YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME

I don't feel the need to read magazines anymore. Sometimes when I'm flying or riding on a train I'll pick up an Entertainment Weekly or a Billboard, but that's it. Basically, magazines all tell me the same shit- I don't need to lose weight or have a boyfriend, but here are tips to lose weight and snag a boyfriend. No wonder girls are so confused.

Cosmo is probably the worst- it's always the same headlines, worded slightly differently, that let you know exactly what your guy likes in bed. Hint: it's sex. I'm all for being creative, but some of that stuff is ridiculous: "Grab it and twist!" I don't know about you, but I never wanted to end my night in the emergency room, unless it involves me and a very hot doctor. Also, the surveys they do are ludicrous- they claim to interview "real men" about what they "really notice" about women- and not one of them ever mentions a gigantic rack. Those weren't my eyes you were trailing drool into for the last twenty minutes.



I recently had to take a train to visit my mom, and I went to the newsstand to pick up some marginal reading. I settled on Blender- at least it's about music, kind of. While I was standing there, I noticed the other magazines on the stand- does anyone remember Tiger Beat? I totally read that like, 20 years ago! Anyway, it's still around, and so is 16, and BOP, and all the shit I looked through when I was a kid. The same people aren't on the cover, though; I listened to Debbie Gibson and New Kids on the Block (don't lie, you know you did too). Honestly, I didn't know who the fuck any of these kids were. Some of them looked like they were barely in middle school.

Maybe I'm alone in this, but it seems as if there's a hierarchy of child celebrity/pornography and the lengths that they'll go to to reach that status:

I) Child Pornography

II) Child Beauty Pageants

III) Child Actors/Singers

IV) Suri Cruise

What the fuck is up with that one, BTW? She's three and wearing lipstick and high heels to match her $300 dresses and peacoats. When I was three I was wearing Flapdoodles and OshKosh and playing in the mud. I understand that Tom Cruise is dressing vicariously through her, but that's just not right.



What I really don't get about this whole "kiddie worship" deal is this whole pop music business. The Jonas Brothers are all sinfully ugly and their music sucks, but they have Disney up their ass, so they should be OK for a while. All the High School Musical dudes are most likely cocksnatchers, but as long as they keep it hidden, little girls will continue to love them. Miley Cyrus seems to have no discernable talent whatsoever, and she's a gigantic whore, but her fanbase is so huge that even after Disney inevitably sues her after her sex tape and her naked pictures come out, she'll still be set for life. The marketing behind all these kids makes my head spin- they've even managed to transcend their "talent" (HA!) into an adult fanbase. I hang out with people in their thirties that listen to Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber, and they refer to these people by their first names, like they're friends. I'm ashamed to even write that sentence.

Speaking of Justin Bieber, have any of you seen this kid? First of all, I don't even know what he does. Does he act? Sing? Sell lifted car parts? Orchestrate suicide bombings? I'd never even heard of him until like, two months ago. Second, do girls really find him attractive? Look at this little punk:



He looks like a six-year-old girl. I could kick his ass! That "gang" sign he's making is laughable. I get that as someone in my twenties I'm past the demographic that his marketing team is going for, but I can admit when a kid is decent looking. Check out his People magazine spread:



He looks like a borderline retard with a lesbian seagull haircut. And seriously, what is this kid doing with a People magazine cover? Malcolm McLaren died earlier this week; where's his cover? I'm offended for him. The entire publishing industry should be ashamed of themselves. (If you don't know who Malcolm McLaren is, stop reading and Google him. The man was a visionary and should be celebrated.)

I've heard this kid interviewed a bunch of times and he really thinks he's hot shit. I'd like to shoot him out of a cannon or take a tire iron to his face. According to the People article, his mom had him as a teenager- if that's true, then Justin Bieber is one of the greatest arguments for birth control I've ever seen.

I know my rant isn't going to change anything. I'd just like to see the occasional talented "celebrity" lauded instead of a little twelve-year-old who sings about butterflies or whatever. At least Debbie Gibson produced her own shit, although now she's in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, so draw your own conclusions.