Wednesday, April 21, 2010


The NFL Draft is tomorrow, which really excites me because I'm an enormous football fan. The Jets look like real contenders this year, so I feel that I should warn all of you that if I haven't posted in a while come Football Season, I've been arrested for trying to sell myself for Superbowl tickets. If any of you happen to be seriously loaded, email me now and I'll send you my address for bail money in advance.

In honor of the Draft, I was going to post a list of the Best Sports Moments Of All Time, but that wouldn't be funny. So instead, I'm giving you guys the Top 15 Dumbest Sports Moments Of My Lifetime- the stupid decisions made by the biggest idiots that led to horrible moments in sports from the 1980's- early 2000's.

I've included football, baseball and hockey. I've left out basketball because I don't follow the sport and the only things I know about the NBA are that the Knicks suck ass, Kobe Bryant plays for the Lakers, and Space Jam is a God-awful movie.

Enjoy, and feel free to comment on anything you feel I may have left out.

The New York Islanders Hire Mike Millbury

I know a couple of Islanders fans (who will admit to it in public, at least), and I can't say the name "Mike Millbury" without them doing a full-on Exorcist twist. All Islanders fans hate him because he trades away all their prospects, who later go on to be NHL superstars, for players that turn out to suck. He's also a complete asshole and insults everyone (I can't stand him because of his "Screw the Rangers" quote). One of his most ill-advised trades was the Roberto Luongo deal- Millbury traded him to the Panthers after a year for two guys who totally blew. Luongo, of course went on to win a bunch of trophies and play in the Olympics. Nice going, Millbury. He also came under fire for choosing Rick DiPietro first in the draft over Marion Gaborik (who's now with my New York Rangers- SCORE!).

Millbury now works for a Canadian television broadcasting system because it's Canada, and they haven't figured out that no one else will take him. It's true; he used to get booed by Isles fans at the Nassau Coliseum. That requires a special kind of talent.

Manon Rheaume Joins The NHL (Sort Of)

I grew up a hockey fan. My tastes gravitate more towards baseball and football now, but I'll still check out a Ranger game when I get a chance. I wish more girls were into the sport, because it's exciting and there's a ton of action, but it's definitely more guy-oriented.

Apparently the NHL had the same idea as me, because in 1992, Manon Rheaume was signed as a free agent to the Tampa Bay Lightning. She was in the net for one exhibition game that year and another in 1993, and was pulled early from both. Later, the GM for the Lightning, Phil Esposito, admitted the whole thing was a publicity stunt (really???)

Look, I'm all for equality, but women and men shouldn't mix in professional sports, especially hockey. This was the early 90's, and the NHL was pretty violent. No matter how much padding she had, there was still a chance that Rheaume was going to get her ass beat- or even worse, that the rules would be changed to accommodate the gender difference. By acknowledging that Rheaume's signing was all for marketing, it defeated the purpose, anyway, so why bother? Little girls that watched her play still had their hopes dashed and were being told that men and women still had to be segregated.

It would have been better if the NHL had followed in the footsteps of the NBA and made a league specifically for women, but their biggest problem is lack of marketing. Of professional sports, the NHL has the least amount of followers, and therefore the least amount of publicity and advertising. If the NHL doesn't have the payroll to spend on their male players, they definitely don't have the money to spend on women, and therefore can't draw the crowd they so desperately need. The Manon Rheaume stunt might have worked with a bigger payroll and a wider audience.

Barry Zito Signs The Highest Pitching Contract In History

Every baseball fan remembers the 2006 Barry Zito deal. Zito started his professional career in the year 2000 with the Oakland A's, becoming an awesome enough pitcher to capture the Cy Young two years later. He made the All-Star team three times and never missed a start.

In 2006, he signed with agent Scott Boras, whose clients include A-Rod, Manny and Barry Bonds. Boras negotiated a deal for Zito with the San Fransisco Giants, which at the time was the highest contract in MLB history. The Giants and Zito agreed to a seven-year deal for $126 million, plus an $18 million option for 2014 with a $7 million buyout. Zito was 28 at the time.

His first game after singing this asinine contract, of course, was for shit. He lasted only four innings and the Giants lost 15-3. In 2008, he began the season 0-6 with a 7.53 ERA. So far this season, his ERA is 1.86, but it's only 2 weeks in, so we'll see what happens. Fortunately, the Giants' pitching has exponentially increased and some baseball experts are even picking them to win the NL West this year. While I don't know if they'll go that far (they do share a division with the Dodgers and the Rockies), I do predict that they're going to have an awesome season and may make the playoffs in 2011.

No thanks to Zito, though. Way to spend your money wisely, San Fransisco.


Vince McMahon woke up one morning and thought, "how can I make people take wrestlers even less seriously? I know! I'll give them even dumber nicknames and let them keep smashing into each other for a few hours, but this time with footballs!" And thus, the XFL was born- and died after one year, because no one gave a shit.

They probably should have stuck to smashing chairs.

Rick Peterson's Parents Decide To Procreate

Rick Peterson is to Mets fans as Mike Millbury is to Islanders fans. He was the pitching coach for the Mets from 2003-2008, when he was fired, thank God. I practically threw a party. His contract was actually extended in 2007, and everyone was like, "What the hell?" Luckily, that didn't take. Now he's with the Brewers. I feel sorry for them.

Anyway, talking about him fills me with a seething rage. The main reason all Mets fans hate him so much is the Scott Kazmir/Victor Zambrano trade of 2004. Penis-son claimed he could "fix" Zambrano "in 10 minutes" and acquired him from the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, whereas in his stellar opinion, Scott Kazmir, the Mets' top prospect, wasn't ready for the Major Leagues. So the trade was orchestrated, and as everyone knows by now, Kazmir was immediately promoted to the majors and became one of the most promising pitchers in baseball. You know where he's going as soon as his contract is up.

Naturally, Zambrano was an epic failure, and his performance with the Mets culminated three years later with a season-ending injury. Hooray! PS- he's not playing anymore. This is easily the worst baseball trade of my life.

Rick Peterson deserves to be guillotined. Everyone who's ever watched a Mets game from the Shea Stadium side agrees with me.

Also, I checked his Wikipedia page and it says he was born in New Jersey. Figures.

Does anyone else realize that he looks like Joey Buttafuoco?
Dancing With The Stars

Dancing With The Stars is second only to American Idol as the Reality Show that I Hate the Most. First of all, they stopped showing the recap episodes of Lost to make room for this crap. Second, there's always some football player on this show in a pair of tights and some sparkly leotard twinkle-toeing around to some cheesy-ass music and therefore rendering it impossible to take any of this disaster seriously. From what I've heard, usually the athlete wins, too. Ugh, stop. Stick to the field. I like my sports sporty.

Yeah, THIS will make you substantially less annoying.

Plaxico Burress Shoots Himself

Athletes are always appearing in the news for doing bonehead things- steroids, cheating, or if you're A-Rod, steroids and cheating. I don't get it- all that money, and you're a total retard. If I had a kajillion dollars, and I were in my off-season, I would buy a house on a private island and hire Jason Statham to massage me and feed me peeled grapes for three months.

The stupidest news story regarding an athlete in the last fifteen years has to be Plaxico Burress. In 2007, the Giants beat the Patriots in the Superbowl. I hate the Patriots, and my dad is a Giants fan, so this was doubly awesome for my family. During the subsequent season, he went to a nightclub with a loaded, unlicensed handgun and accidentally shot himself in the leg. This was a brilliant move that landed him two years in jail and a release from his team, which was coming off pretty much the greatest high you could think of.

First of all, hasn't this moron ever heard of a safety? Every gun has one. I'm a New Yorker; I would know. Second, with all the money he's made from football, are you really going to tell me he couldn't have hired a bodyguard and/or couldn't afford to get a license for his gun?


Brett Favre Goes To The Jets

Brett Favre is a whiny bitch. He claims that every year with the NFL is his last, and then- surprise!- he's back. He's like a puppy that won't stop peeing on the rug. He cries during all his retirement speeches when we all know he'll make the same one next year. Ugh, just LEAVE.

Jets fans hate Favre because in 2008, he signed with the team in exchange for a fourth-round draft pick. At first we were all psyched because hey- it's BRETT FAVRE. The guy is a surefire Hall-Of-Famer and the Jets haven't exactly been giving us bragging rights since 1969. Who cares if he's 75 years old? It's BRETT FAVRE. SCORE!

The season started off great, and we won eight of our first 11 games. Then Father Time kicked in, and we lost four of our last five. We wound up losing the final game to the Dolphins and our old QB, Chad Pennington. It turned out Favre had been injured all season, and the Jets knew but didn't report it, which led to a fine from the NFL. So not only did Old Man River cost us our championship, but we lost money on him, too.

Favre announced his retirement, but instead of going away, like he promised, he was picked up by the Vikings, and led them to the 2009 NFC Championships. Considering he had spent over 15 years as a Packer, it was totally typical of him to almost lead his archrivals to the biggest game of the year. Meanwhile, we now have Dirty Sanchez, who got us thisclose to the Superbowl. Fingers crossed for 2011!

I predict a riot.

The Mighty Ducks Movie

Let me know which part of this scenario makes the most sense: An alcoholic lawyer played by Emilio Estevez is punished for drunk driving by being forced to babysit a bunch of degenerate kids with access to sharp and/or blunt objects (note: the part that makes the least sense is "played by Emilio Estevez"). Yeah, this should end well. The kids are played by Pacey from Dawson's Creek and a bunch of other people that you'll never hear from again unless you like bad TV movies. After Emilio's character bangs Pacey's mom, he begins to teach the kids "valuable life lessons," all the while learning crap about himself that no one cares about!

The funniest part of this movie is the actual hockey. The team comes up with a stealth move called The Flying V, which is not only really retarded if the team plans on winning, it's also glaringly illegal in the real sport. The team also has a victory cry that consists of them quacking. Yes, you really read that. For some reason, whoever greenlit this movie decided that it would be a stellar idea to make two more of them.

The only good concept to come out of this monstrosity is the NHL's Mighty Ducks of Anaheim, which was created in 1993 and for some reason named themselves after the film. The team has always been good- if they don't make the playoffs, they're at least competitive, and they won the Stanley Cup in 2007. I guess even they wised up though- they changed ownership in 2006 and reformed as the Anaheim Ducks.

Also, for all you Lost fans, Tom Friendly is in this movie- maybe he really needed a check.

Sadly, I used to think this movie was good. I was like, 8.

The NHL Lockouts

The NHL actually had two lockouts- one in 1994, and another one ten years later. They were both due to a salary cap- the owners wanted one; the players didn't (shock!). The Lockout of 1994 caused the season to be shortened to 48 games.

The Lockout of 2004 cancelled the entire season, including the Stanley Cup finals. The year before, $273 million dollars were spent just on players' salaries, and several teams were losing money. Negotiations were made back and forth, but no conclusions were reached. Ergo, no hockey for a year, and millions of sad fans. Finally, in July of 2005, a decision was made that a salary cap would be adjusted each year, and that there would also be a salary floor.

A Canadian poll revealed that 52% of fans blamed the players for the lockout, but they're Canadians, so you have to cut them some slack.

When you have a sport that is so under-appreciated already, you can't afford to cancel an entire season. Hockey needs all the attendance, and all the attention, it can get, and not having it at the fans' disposal is one of the dumbest moves you can make.

A-Rod Is Allowed Near Anything With A Vagina

Do I need to go on?

OK, then.

Joe Torre Writes A Tell-All

I hate on the Yankees constantly, but I used to respect Joe Torre. He managed his team extraordinarily well, and unlike Apeman Hank Steinbrenner, Torre always exuded a certain amount of class. I was impressed with the way he turned down the insulting final contract that the Yankees offered him, and I've always held a soft spot for the Dodgers (they are originally from Brooklyn, don't forget).

Then The Yankee Years came out. Torre basically sold out the Yankees and everyone involved in the organization, claiming that GM Brian Cashman "betrayed" him and spilling all sorts of crap about the players. For a guy that had been generally respected amongst the professional sports community, this was a pretty stupid move. The book was widely criticized, even though it made the New York Times Bestseller list. Figures- the Yankees probably elected our president, too. Is there anything they DON'T control?

Sports Apparel Is Geared Towards Female "Fans"

I'm all for women enjoying sports- I'd be a total hypocrite if I said that I wasn't. I love seeing girls at the ballpark or the rink or the field having a great time at the game, shit-talking the ref or the opposing team. However, all that can be ruined if said girl isn't dressed properly. I'm not saying she has to be in unflattering, baggy apparel, but what's up with all this pink, sparkly, tight-fitting bullshit? One of the worst moments in sports is when someone decided to make clothes that would appeal to the fake bimbo sports fan.

Wear your team logo in the appropriate colors. If you root for the Yankees (the worst offenders, BTW), do the regular navy and white. Don't wear heels and don't wear spaghetti straps (especially not to a football game- it's winter, dumbass). Women's sizes are OK- the clothes don't have to be huge- but don't go to a game to "look hot" for a guy, go because you support the team. The last time I checked, no team colors were "sequin lavendar."

One of the main reasons I hate the Yankees.

The 1994 Baseball Strike

1994 really sucked for me. I started junior high, which is a horrible ordeal no matter who you are because puberty sucks; my dog had just died like a month ago, and both hockey and baseball had shortened seasons. Like the NHL, the baseball strike was due to a salary cap. It resulted in no World Series, rioting fans, the use of replacement players and a shortened 1995 season.

The Montreal Expos, who up until that point had the highest record in the majors, had their World Series dreams crushed. They were also forced to lower their insanely meager payroll even further, and they never even came close to a title again. Now they're the Nationals, and they're god-awful.

The strike finally ended when the National Labor Relations Board filed a complaint against the owners. Crisis averted, and all was right with my world!

Looking back, this wasn't so much stupid as incredibly sad and nerve-wracking. I love baseball- it doesn't feel like summer without it.


God, mascots are so obnoxious. I'm at the game because I want to see my team win- I have enough spirit already, thanks. I don't need some gay-ass cartoon character dancing around and getting in my face because I'm not doing The Wave (don't get me started on that one, BTW). Whoever came up with the idea of the mascot should be strung up by their balls. That's actually the one thing I don't mind about the Yankees- they don't have one.

I hate to admit it, but the team with the worst mascot is the Mets. It's just a stupid dude with a humongous baseball for a head. And the name? "Mr. Met." Real creative. That's definitely going to strike fear into the heart of the opposing team.

This shames me.
So there's my list- the 15 Dumbest Sports Moments Of My Lifetime. If there's anything you think I left off, feel free to post your comments. Or, if you disagree with me- actually, I don't care about that. Keep watching the game!

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