Hey Guys, and welcome to this month's installment of Horrible Movie Reviews. I swear I don't rig these, even though this time I get to host Nyx, and you can also find my skewering of Ghost Rider on Nicole's blog, Sweeney Says. I just get cool people to participate in my shit, yo.
If you want to join in the fun for May, shoot me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com by April 20th. The theme is Pop Star Month, and Mandy Moore is making her debut with us. She promises to massacre that bitch who keeps trying to shove her out of the spotlight.
Anyway, here's Nyx being all types of awesome. Enjoy:
Hey Y’all, welcome to another round of movie reviews. This month’s reviews are based on Nicholas Cage movies. Thanks to the marvelous Nugs for setting this up – I love you girlie! Seriously, she’s awesome. If you like what you see, be sure to check out my blog at Notions.
Oh, I’m going to have fun with this.
So, after much deliberation (and procrastination), I picked Con Air as my movie of choice. I must admit, I kind of like it, so I’m not all that sure if this review is going to jive with the whole ‘bad movie’ scene or not, but I’ll just play it by ear and we’ll see how it goes.
So here’s how the story goes: Cameron Poe (seriously, could the writers have picked a more romantic name? It sounds like it’s straight out of a harlequin romance novel) gets into a bar fight with some asshole who was messing with his wife, and winds up killing the asshole. Turns out killing a dude is a big fucking deal, especially since Mr. Poe was an Army Ranger.
Whoopsies.
So Poe goes to jail, flash forward eight years. He’s being paroled. Yay for him, he finally gets to see his daughter that he’s never met. The writers must REAAALLLY want you to like this guy. I mean, heck. He’s southern, supposed to be good looking (guess they fucked the casting up), has a baby girl and a wife that he loves to pieces – enough to go without seeing his daughter for eight years, because he didn’t want her to see him in jail. Does he have any faults? Doubtful.
So anyways, our boy Poe is going to be flown back to his home in Alabama on a plane, where he’ll be released upon landing. Several other prisoners are going to flying as well, in order to be transferred to a new Supermax prison, including one Mr. Cyrus the Virus (played by the excellent John Malkovich). Who, of course, prompts a takeover of the plane (because no one saw that coming).
Insert a dumb authority figure here. Said dumb authority figure would be Duncan Malloy. He’s blustery, has a penchant for corvettes (ok, can’t fault him there), and is an absolute ass.
Really. These Hollywood writers need to start creating characters with more than one dimension.
There’s one other character that I’ve neglected to tell you all about, and that is the wonderful Mr. Vince Larkin. He’s the dude in charge of the plane, and it is *painfully* obvious that Malloy is his foil. He’s quiet and even tempered and totally rational.
Anyway, to make matters short, Cyrus and a few other motley members of the plane take over. They’re planning on running away or something, I don’t know, I wasn’t paying much attention during this part of the movie. They manage to dupe the authorities several times during this schtick, and eventually they wind up landing at an abandoned airfield. They did, however, manage to overshoot the runway, and so the plane winds up grounded. I dunno how the hell they were supposed to do it, but Cyrus orders them to dig the plane out (I mean, it’s not like there’s shovels lying around).
Poe is, of course, honorable to the end. After a lot of action sequences, blundering from the authorities, Malloy acting like a general jackass and Larkin being the sole redeemer of the authorities, the plane finally gets in the air. Cyrus, by this point in time, now knows that Poe’s a traitor. He intends on killing Poe, but before he can do that Malloy has his pilots open fire on the plane – disabling one of its engines.
Because of Malloy’s stupidity, the plane now has to land short of where it was going to (which was a conveniently located airstrip nearby). So, of course the next logical place for the plane to land was The Strip.
Yea. Genius.
Plane lands, Cyrus escapes. Poe and Larkin give chase. Poe catches up with Cyrus, Cyrus dies, Poe is reunited with his wife and daughter.
Happily ever fucking after.
My opinion of the movie? Campy. Flat. Not a single character had any depth to them whatsoever.
Although, I will admit, I do own the movie. For those nights when I just don’t feel like thinking.
It's that time of the month again (I wonder how many of us started our posts off that way. Gross.)- Horrible Movie Reviews! I still can't come up with a title for the 'ring, so I'm going to keep experimenting with different ones until I get enough positive feedback to pick a permanent. This one came from Tsa, who I forced to join in this month. Diplomacy FTW!
This time around I get to participate in the sexiest blog sandwich ever. Not only was I lucky enough to post for Risha (rhymes with Dish...ah!), but I get the honor of hosting Shelly. I swear to God I don't rig these things.
Anyway, the Shellator is totally adorable, even when reviewing shitty sports movies. I swear she's a secret dominatrix. It's always the quiet ones.
I love you, Shelly. I raise my nipple tassels in your honor.
And now, I give you the best and most accurate portrayal of Air Bud ever. Take it, Shells. Take it hard.
Hi everyone! My name is Shelly and I'm frolicking over from Shelly Talks Too Much. Please be sure to go over to my site and read about Ginny's movie. She's pretty awesome, and I'm super excited she's gracing her presence on my blog.
When my dear Nuggette told me that we were doing sports movies, one movie came to mind. I had to review it, I had to watch it...right...that...MOMENT! Some of you may have watched this movie when you were younger or maybe you've seen one of the many spinoffs of this movie. I am talking about the movie Air Bud.
I was little, but I was sure it would be perfect. And I knew it was about basketball. There's one problem. It wasn't terrible. It was adorable. Who doesn't love dogs who play basketball? Really, now! Okay, maybe it's just me. I'm probably the only adult (obviously using that term loosely) who enjoyed sitting and watching Air Bud. I can't help it. I spend my days thinking about sparkles, Star Wars, kitties and puppies.
Anyway! I'm sorry! Back to Air Bud. I had a hard time actually following the plot line because I was constantly calling Nick into the room saying "Watch what the dog does! Look at him! Look at him!" And at the end being like "Awww puppy! Make the right choice! Make the right choice!"
Basically, Buddy the Dog is owned by an evil clown that drinks too much. The weird thing is, the guy who plays the clown, I totally remember him on Murphy Brown. So that was a little weird in itself. The drunk clown is getting ready to ship Buddy off to the pound for being a bad boy when his kennel falls off the truck. He then meets his best friend, Josh. A new kid in town who has a dead dad. His mom has a midlife crisis and they have to start over. Josh joins the basketball team, Buddy runs in on a game, causes a ruckus, and mayhem ensues! But the crowd loves Buddy! I mean, who couldn't?! Look at that precious fuzzy face! So Buddy becomes the mascot of the team. Dog becomes a local celebrity, kid rides Bud's coatTAIL (get it...because the dog has a tail!) and then drunk clown comes back saying "THAT'S MY DOG! YOU STOLE MY DOG!" In the end, some guy suggests to let Buddy run to his rightful owner. Obviously, Buddy chooses the boy, but not before attacking the scary drunk clown. And suddenly, all is right in the world again!
So, even though I shouldn't recommend the movie...I'm going to. It's just so gosh darn cute!
I am SUPER stoked for this month's edition of the Horrible Movie Blogring because:
A) We've FINALLY chosen a name! After a lot of arguing, tears and a massive, nipply slumber party where vodka and water balloons made their requisite appearances, I give you the Shitty Movie Awareness Club, a.k.a SMAC. Special thanks to Coyote Tits for letting me basically cop her idea for myself (PS- it's her birthday this week! Feel free to drop by her blog and leave lots of inappropriate pics. She likes ponies. Hairless ones).
2) Have you guys seen the list of participants this month? It makes my loins eyes wet. We have the regular psychos who actually take the time each month to sacrifice their dignity, and now, for the first time, I have almost the entire Nip Clique in on this. When I was preparing the swap list for May I almost cried tears of happiness. I am seriously THAT EXCITED.
Speaking of the swap list, every time the reviews go up I inevitably get complaints that I left people out. Well, guess what? When this 'ring started in January I had four people, including myself. Now I have between 15-20 every month, and I can't remember who goes where (hmmm... sounds sexy. Call me <3). No more assuming- if you want in, send me a goddamn email, or you're not invited.
Squirrel) Not only do I get to post my assault on From Justin to Kelly for Sara Nips (SQUEEEE!!!!!), but this month I got to host Tsa for the first time ever!
Tsa is another one of my best bloggy friends because she was actually insane cool enough to show me around San Francisco when I visited a few months ago. If she weren't so awesome I would have wondered if there were something wrong with her. There probably is- I mean, she did willingly hang out with me, more than once.
If this pairing gets you totally hot, BTW, you might also want to pick up the third issue of her zine, Be About It- it features a guest post from me about dreams. It's only $2.50, plus shipping.
So, here's Tsa's contribution to SMAC: The Pop Stars Edition. Check out my review on Nips' blog, and don't forget to email me for next month! I'm at thataintkosher83@gmail.com, and emails are due by Friday, May 20th.
Oh snap, my entry this month for the Trainwreck Movie Fest is going on Nugs' blog. I had better not fuck this up. If you don't know me by now, you ain't never ever gonna know me (woooooo-ooooooo). Psyche, I'm Alexandra of the Tsaritsasez. Check out my site if you like deh funnies.
Pop stars, pop tarts, poop stars. When was the last time you saw a good movie starring an icon from popular music? Take a minute and think about it, I'll wait. When I try to rack my brain over good pop star movies I come up with that one Billie Holiday movie with Diana Ross playing the blues legend, Lady Sings The Blues, and the Selena film with Jennifer Lopez, but after that I'm at a loss. Maybe those two movies were good because the roles the singers played weren't all that different from their day jobs. Remember that Mariah Carey movie? I blanked it out from my memory. I'm just trying to say that pop starlets aren't usually amazing actors, and the movies they chose to take part in usually suck the big one-- and that's not saying they suck in a horrendously hilarious way but in a blinding myself by gouging my eyes out with a spork kind of way. All of that aside, what if I told you that a movie existed that is amazingly bad as it is superbly thrilling and features not only pop stars but rappers? Lots of them. Do I have your attention?
State Property 2 is the movie I was hinting at. Written, directed and starring Dame Dash, co-founder of Roc-A-Fella Records, which explains a lot as SP2 is kind of like a big wank-off to Dame's importance in the music and crime world. If you've never heard of him before but you know of Roc-A-Fella Records (the other co-founder is Jay-Z), don't be too hard on yourself. I'm here to hold your hand for the rest of the post if you need me to. Kidding. No one cares or ever talks about Dame Dashbecause he's an asshole as Kanye West will tell you. Getting back on track, SP2 is a sequel but watching the first State Property is not a requirement, and actually I would warn against it. The sequel is a vast improvement over the original; it's funny and silly where the first film took itself too seriously and fell very flat in its delivery. The first time I viewed SP2 my mom happened to be in the living room with me reading through a magazine, but I kept catching her looking up to watch the movie. She even laughed a few times. SP2 is mom-approved, if that tells you anything.
Aside from Dame and his ego (both prominent figures) the movie also stars Beanie Sigel, Freeway and Omillio Sparks, three Philly rappers, as well as Mariah Carey (as a high-maintenance girlfriend), Ol' Dirty Bastard of the Wu-Tang Clan (as a snot-nosed burger flipper), and a slew of other hip-hoppers that I could name but I'll spare you. The story-line is incredibly weak and pretty much non-existent. Have you ever listened to a skit on a hip-hop album? If you answered yes, good. If not, go download some hip-hop albums before you continue reading this. The movie is basically a series of set-ups for silly skits, a la "Deeez Nuuuts" and "The Doctor's Office" on Dr. Dre's game-changing album The Chronic. Some of the skits in SP2 are really funny, spit-take funny at times, but even the most hilarious selection of skits can feel empty when there isn't a plot to carry them.
To end this on a positive note, State Property 2 is the kind of movie that you watch when you have a bunch of friends over and you want to talk and have fun but also have something ridiculous going on in the background. According to iMDB the word "fuck" is used in the film about 270 times, so that's a good drinking game right there.
You guys are in for a very special edition of SMAC this month. I was actually going to skip the July movie reviews altogether, seeing as how I've been going through some incredibly overwhelming shit (more on that at a later date) and I've also been letting my Childhood Trauma posts pile up. I sent out an email that let everyone know that SMAC was a no-go for July, and we would pick up again next month.
And then. AND. THEN. I found out a few days ago that Season of the Witch had come out on DVD. I had waiting for this since the day it had been released in theaters and was met with a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Its final score was a 7%, which I had been warned by Sara Nips that it didn't even deserve. I was intrigued. I must see this movie.
My genius plan was to have the July theme of SMAC be "Season of the Witch," where we all watch the movie and review it for someone else's blog. We already did a Nic Cage-themed 'ring back in April, and it was so mentally damaging that I swore I would never watch another one of his movies ever again, but seriously, this one deserves a post of its very own.
Unfortunately for me, no one else was willing to take one for the team. I figured that at the very least, my girls in the Nip Clique would be the wingwomen- you know, the friends that hook up with the ugly guy so you can have quality sexytimes with the totally hot piece of ass you picked up at the bar, only to discover that he's dumb as a fucking stump and/or secretly a leprechaun? Not that that's ever happened to me. On either side. However, apparently this movie is so bad, so heinously awful that even my best bloggy friends were like, "hell, no!" and left me to suffer through the torturous twenty minutes that I got through. Thanks a lot. And you guys all claim love.
Basically, here's what I got from the time that I spent (actually) watching Season of the Witch: There's some chick that everyone thinks is a witch, and the other characters have to bring her to some village. That's about it. We don't learn her name, although I suspect that's because even the fictional character was embarrassed to be part of this movie and chose not to reveal who she actually was. Ron Perlman was in this movie, BTW- Ron Perlman! I sincerely hope his performance in this pile of shit doesn't scare you guys away from ever watching Sons of Anarchy or either of the Hellboy films, because both of those (especially SOA) are pretty substantial and if you haven't experienced them yet, you should.
The costumes and props are pretty hilarious; the whole thing reminded me of when I used to play Oregon Trail. Honestly, I would have welcomed the dysentery at that point- it would have given me an excuse to get away from the movie.
Also, in the spirit of the NCH scale, what is UP with this dude's hair? I absolutely give this one a category all its own. I don't even... what the fuck.
At least go to a SuperCuts, in the name of all that doesn't suck!
In the twenty minutes (actually, 18.75) I spent wondering how Nicolas Cage ever earned an Academy Award, I really did attempt to make it to the end. As the creator of SMAC, I really hate to let you guys down, but I couldn't do this to myself anymore. I've finally found the one film that defeated me; the one that even I couldn't get all the way through. I thought it couldn't be done, ever. That is quite the accomplishment- congratulations, Season of the Witch.
I am officially mad at all of you for forcing me to go through this misery by myself. No more sexual favors (and don't think you can get away with hiding in my treehouse, Lor- I've briefed him on the situation and he knows what's up).
I would like to point out that this post is NOT late- it went up on Wordpress yesterday and then my internet crapped out. Thanks a lot, Brooklyn Public Library WiFi.
This month marks a Very Special Aural Sex because it’s somebody’s anniversary!
It sure as hell isn’t mine- I’ve been wallowing in fear and frustration dating myself for the past year. I call it “masturdating.” Thanks for assuming that I would at least appeal to somebody, though.
Anyway, 15 years ago, Empire Records was born. For those of you that don’t know what that is, it’s only one of the greatest films of all time. And, also, what the fuck is the matter with you? You fail at life.
Empire Records is centered around the employees of a CD store that’s under the threat of being sold to an evil corporate conglomerate. The characters are like an extended family, and in the mid-90’s when Sam Goody was the chief hangout for my friends and I, I was envious of every single one of them.
The movie has a kick-ass soundtrack and a cast featuring the likes of Renee Zellweger, Liv Tyler, Anthony LaPaglia, Debi Mazar, Robin Tunney, Ethan Embry, and pretty much 2/3 of everyone who was a virtual unknown in the 90’s but now has at least some sort of fledgling career (in the movie’s defense, you can blame Jerry Maguire, not this one, for Renee Zellweger’s anteater face constantly bombarding the big screen).
When the film was originally released, it was a box office disaster and a critical bomb. Even now, it stands at a 24% on Rotten Tomatoes. However, movie and music nerds are no idiots, and we know a sure thing when we see one. Empire Records is a brilliant marriage of cinema and tunes, and it’s luckily managed to find it’s home on the shelves and iPods of entertainment geeks everywhere.
In order to glorify the occasion, this month’s Aural Sex celebrates the union of song and screen- the soundtrack. I’ve compiled my Top 25 most impressive collaborations.
Because I’m anal that way (and ONLY in that way, you fucking pervs!), they’re all grouped into categories to make it easier for you (and me). Also, just for your entertainment, I threw in a few TV shows that make excellent use of the tune-age as well.
Despite what most reviews had to say about the film, I thought it was pretty enjoyable. Jennifer’s Body suffered from poor marketing, and most people went expecting a horror movie, not a dark comedy.
Regardless, the soundtrack’s producers definitely nailed the soundtrack. Brought to life by Goldfinger’s John Feldmann and Paramore’s Hayley Williams, the Jennifer’s Body companion CD combined popular power-pop with up-and-coming electropop and rock.
The soundtrack also included a track from Low Shoulder, the fake band from the movie. The song brings new levels to the word suck, but you should download it anyway because it’s pretty funny. Not included on the CD is “Violet,” one of my favorite songs by Hole, which shows up at the end of the film but for some reason didn’t make the cut.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Kiss With A Fist”- Florence and the Machine
“Toxic Valentine”- All Time Low
“New In Town”- Little Boots
“Through the Trees”- Low Shoulder
When this movie first came out I was psyched for my senior year and the graduation party that would follow (note: it wasn’t anything like that). The music on this CD is really, REALLY good, even if the actual “high school” depiction is a little off base.
I do, however, wear t-shirts sometimes.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Paradise City”- Guns N’ Roses
“Dammit”- Blink 182
“Graduate”- Third Eye Blind
“It’s Tricky”- Run D.M.C.
“Umbrella”- Dog’s Eye View
“High”- Feeder
“Can’t Hardly Wait”- The Replacements
“Tell Me What To Say”- Black Lab
Not Another Teen Movie’s soundtrack put a new twist on the 80’s compilation by having current artists cover tracks from the era of coke and day-glo. Some of them are epic fails (Good Charlotte’s massacre of OMD? NO.), but most of them go over pretty well.
The movie itself, BTW, is a hilarious parody of essentially every teen movie from the last thirty years. Bonus- Mr. T shows up as the “wise janitor.” Anything involving Mr. T automatically gets extra points.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Blue Monday”- Orgy (originally performed by New Order)
“Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want”- Muse (originally performed by The Smiths)
“Never Let Me Down Again”- Smashing Pumpkins (originally performed by Depeche Mode)
“Bizarre Love Triangle”- Stabbing Westward (originally performed by New Order)
“99 Red Balloons”- Goldfinger (originally performed by Nena)
“Somebody’s Baby”- Phantom Planet (originally performed by Jackson Browne)
“Prom Tonight”- (written by Ben Folds and performed hysterically by the cast.)
PS- you want your mind blown? This dude from the movie
is now this dude on Being Human on SyFy and is TOTALLY HOT. Didn't see that one coming.
This is possibly the most well-known- and well-received- soundtrack of the 80’s. It doesn’t matter that Simple Minds never had another hit- that band is fucking set for life. I don’t know anyone that doesn’t associate that song with the movie- or vice versa.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Don’t You (Forget About Me)”- Simple Minds
“Fire in the Twilight”- Wang Chung
“Waiting”- E.G. Daily
For an updated version of “Don’t You,” download Yellowcard’s 2005 version. I have to say, it’s not that bad.
Speaking of 80’s compilations, I love The Wedding Singer because despite pleading from my family, friends and various pets, I can’t give up my addiction to hair metal, cheesy pop or power ballads. Everything about this movie is SO 80’s, including the clothing. Seriously- there’s even a Rubik’s Cube.
Some advice- ignore the cast recording of the atrocious musical adaptation that was on Broadway for like, twelve minutes. That was just a ghastly mistake.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Video Killed the Radio Star”- The Presidents of the United States of America
“Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic”- The Police
”How Soon Is Now?”- The Smiths
“White Wedding”- Billy Idol
“China Girl”- David Bowie
“Blue Monday”- New Order
Later that year, The Wedding Singer Volume 2: More Music From The Motion Picture was released, with even more epic eighties-ness. Here’s some good shit for you to add to your iTunes:
“It’s All I Can Do”- The Cars
“Money (That’s What I Want)”- The Flying Lizards
“You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)”- Dead Or Alive
“Just Can’t Get Enough”- Depeche Mode
“Holiday”- Madonna
For some reason, even though Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” is in the movie, some assclown decided not to put it on either soundtrack. I’ve learned to accept this and am slowly coming to terms with my boiling resentment.
This is such a great soundtrack because I grew up with the grunge scene and listening to it allows me go back to a time when I still had CD’s and a Discman (please say you remember those). Singles takes place during the Seattle music scene when all these bands were just starting to come up, and I was just discovering them, but I actually didn’t see this movie until much later because I was “too young” (whatever). When I finally got to watch it I was around the age of the characters in the movie, so I guess it worked out in my favor.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Would?”- Alice In Chains
“Birth Ritual”- Soundgarden
“May This Be Love”- Jimi Hendrix
“Drown”- Smashing Pumpkins
“Chloe Dancer/Crown of Thorns”- Mother Love Bone
“Overblown”- Mudhoney
I don’t have to be embarrassed about including this one- the hair metal is a perfect fit for a film about a guy who’s desperately trying to relive his 80’s glory days. I do love the genre, though. Don’t laugh at me, you jackass!
I will, however, point out that it is a fucking travesty that Bruce Springsteen was personally asked to pen the title track and was then completely shunned by the Academy in favor of three different songs from Slumdog Millionaire. That’s insulting.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Sweet Child O’ Mine”- Guns N’ Roses
“The Wrestler”- Bruce Springsteen
“Round and Round”- Ratt
“Bang Your Head (Metal Health)”- Quiet Riot
“Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone)”- Cinderella
Quentin Tarantino has always had a knack for choosing just the right piece of music for a particular scene. I can’t decide which one is more synonymous with which movie- the staccato instrumental that plays over the culmination of the diner robbery in this one, or the Stealers Wheel track in Reservoir Dogs (see below).
The Urge Overkill cover of Neil Diamond’s “Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon” is right up there, too. Stupidly, I forgot to include it in my Greatest Covers list.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Miserlou”- Dick Dale (with dialogue from Pumpkin and Honey Bunny)
“Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon”- Urge Overkill
“Son of a Preacher Man”- Dusty Springfield
“Let’s Stay Together”- Al Green
“Jungle Boogie”- Kool and the Gang
Reservoir Dogs is second on my list of favorite movies only to Almost Famous. It was Quentin Tarantino’s first film and didn’t gain popularity until after the release of Pulp Fiction, and if you watch the two together you can really sense a pattern in the filmmaking and the choice of music. No one who’s seen Reservoir Dogs has listened to that Stealers Wheel song in the same way ever again.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Stuck in the Middle”- Stealers Wheel
“Madonna Speech” (Dialogue from the film)
“Magic Carpet Ride”- Bedlam
You know a film is going to have an amazing soundtrack when it’s named after a Led Zeppelin song. Not only is the music great, but the cast is a veritable Wiki page of a bunch of people you can currently see splashed all over the pages of shitty gossip rags like Star (and some that you can’t- Wiley Wiggins, what the fuck?).
Dazed and Confused also stands the test of time, even now- the party in the movie is pretty much like every party I went to in high school, just with more updated outfits.
I haven’t seen this movie in a while because I bought the DVD and then like, a week later, my brother stole it from me (he still claims he doesn’t have it even though I’ve seen it! In his house!).
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Cherry Bomb”- The Runaways
“Tuesday’s Gone”- Lynyrd Skynyrd
“Paranoid”- Black Sabbath
“Slow Ride”- Foghat
In 1994, a second companion CD was released (Even More Dazed and Confused). Here’s some download-worthy shit from that one:
“Free Ride”- Edgar Winter Group
“Do You Feel Like We Do”- Peter Frampton
“Right Place, Wrong Time”- Dr. John
“I Just Want to Make Love to You”- Foghat
How can I make a category entitled “Cult Classics” and NOT include Rocky Horror? I would probably be torched. Not only do I own this movie, but I’ve also seen the show multiple times, hosted sing-alongs at my house, and dressed up as various characters for Halloween (one of my girlfriends went as Frank once and the costume has thus far been unparalleled). Everyone should not only watch this movie and learn the lyrics to every song, but also master all the dance moves to The Time Warp. Oh, and bring props.
Watch this movie to see Katie Holmes before she was super obnoxious, and listen to the tunes to get that rave feeling without the actual ecstasy. Or the glow sticks.
BTW, the movie is well worth it, too.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“New”- No Doubt (No Doubt debuted this song as a promotional single for the movie, before they released it as a track on Return of Saturn).
“Gangster Tripping”- Fatboy Slim
“Believer”- BT
“Always On The Run”- Lenny Kravitz (written by Kravitz and Slash. Word.)
“Magic Carpet Ride”- Steppenwolf
Trainspotting is one of those films that I should definitely NOT have seen when I originally did, but it’s cool because my parents didn’t find out until years later (I mean… oh. Whoops). Every song on the soundtrack will make you feel like you’re tripping out. It brings new meaning to the phrase “companion CD.”
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Lust For Life”- Iggy Pop
“Trainspotting”- Primal Scream
“Temptation”- New Order
“Perfect Day”- Lou Reed
“Born Slippy (NUXX)”- Underworld
I guess one soundtrack wasn’t enough, because Trainspotting #2: Music from the Motion Picture was released in 1997.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“The Passenger”- Iggy Pop
“Golden Years”- David Bowie
“Atmosphere”- Joy Division
The only beef I have with this movie is that it totally lied to me. I’m still in love with Mark Wahlberg, though, whether that whole thing was fake or not.
Please. Like you don’t know what I’m talking about.
Regardless, I still totally air drum to “Sister Christian.”
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Sister Christian”- Night Ranger
“God Only Knows”- The Beach Boys
“Brand New Key”- Melanie
In 1998, Boogie Nights 2: More Music From The Motion Picture was released. Here are the best tracks off of that album for you guys to stealsnag off of iTunes:
“Jessie’s Girl”- Rick Springfield
“Mama Told Me (Not To Come)”- Three Dog Night
“You Sexy Thing”- Hot Chocolate (I agree that this song is really annoying. However, picture yourself, bored in your bedroom, dancing around and lip-synching. Yeah, I thought so.
Not that I’ve ever done that. Or anything like that.
The Who’s Tommy is solely and directly responsible for my die-hard appreciation of classic rock. I almost grew up a theater kid, but as soon as my parents took me to Tommy I went completely in the other direction. The Acid Queen scared the fuck out of me, but since I was around six years old I had no idea what the “acid” part was referring to; I just thought the music kicked major amounts of ass. The Who is still on my Top 10 list of bands, and Tommy is still in heavy rotation on my playlist.
There’s also an excellent Tommy reference in Almost Famous. I’ll stop going on about that movie because I promise to be really obnoxious about it later.
Originally released as a soundtrack to the movie, A Hard Day’s Night is actually The Beatles’ third studio album. It’s also one of their best, and on almost every reviewer’s Greatest Soundtracks list. It’s also one of the only times I haven’t laughed at the word “hard.”
Oops. Never mind.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“A Hard Day’s Night”
“Can’t Buy Me Love”
“And I Love Her”
“Any Time At All”
I had to include this because I’m so fanatical about Led Zeppelin. My vintage concert T-shirt went through the wash so many times that it actually disintegrated and I cried (true story). I don’t own this soundtrack because I’m broke and spent my last coinage on Lost Season Six, but my birthday is coming up, in case you guys love me that much.
I can’t pick out which tracks are superior, so just do yourself a favor, download the entire thing, and let your lighter do the rest. Not that I advocate that sort of thing. Oh no.
(Check this out: The Amazon link refers to them as a "blues-rock outfit." No, but nice try.)
Given that it’s the festival that defined an entire generation, it’s only fitting that it would have a collection of tracks that everybody who was alive back then (and even people that weren’t) still eargasm over.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Medley”- Jimi Hendrix (Star Spangled Banner/Purple Haze/Instrumental Solo)
“We’re Not Gonna Take It”- The Who
“With A Little Help From My Friends”- Joe Cocker
“Soul Sacrifice”- Santana
Let’s ignore the fact that the last movie blew ass and that this supposed “re-boot” they’re currently threatening is stupid. The first Spider-Man (and it is “Spider-Man,” with a hyphen, not “Spiderman”) is still one of the highest grossing pictures of all time and proved that superhero movies didn’t have to be retarded.
The soundtrack showcased current rock tracks from artists both well-known and on their way up. The dude from Nickelback is on there, too, but try to ignore that.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“When It Started”- The Strokes
“Learn to Crawl”- Black Lab
“Hate to Say I Told You So”- The Hives
“Shelter”- Greenwheel”
“She Was My Girl”- Jerry Cantrell
“Bother”- Corey Taylor
“My Nutmeg Phantasy” (Tom Morello Mix)- Macy Gray f. Angle Stone and Mos Def
The music used in Romeo & Juliet was so innovative because the dialogue was still Shakespearean, but everything else was kept in the present day. It actually worked and made the love and death scenes that much more dramatic.
During the wedding, scene, there’s a beautiful rendition of Prince’s “When Doves Cry” performed by a church choir. It’s not on the soundtrack, but it can be found on the score.
Here’s something weird, as well: I hadn’t seen this movie in years when I was making this list, yet a couple of hours after I decided to include it I found out that they were showing it on Starz. Doesn’t that kind of make you go “Oooh?” No? Just me, then.
Plus: Radiohead!
Also, useless trivia for Lost fans: Mercutio is played by the guy that played Michael. I know that doesn’t change your life or anything, I just thought you’d be interested.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Talk Show Host”- Radiohead
“#1 Crush”- Garbage
“Local God”- Everclear
“Lovefool”- The Cardigans
“Whatever (I Had a Dream)”- Butthole Surfers
Marie Antoinette uses the same concept as Romeo & Juliet, except this movie has Kirsten Dunst, and it also isn’t that great. The music selection is pretty epic, though. And the party scenes made me really jealous.
Note: I invented a really fun game where I counted how many times you can see Kirsten Dunst’s snaggletooth. I lost track at “a lot.”
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“What Ever Happened”- The Strokes
“I Want Candy” (Kevin Shields Remix)- Bow Wow Wow
“Natural’s Not In it”- Gang of Four
“Plainsong”- The Cure
Vanilla Sky has the distinction of being the only soundtrack on my list with a truly shitty companion film. I’m a huge Cameron Crowe fan, but even I have to admit that I would only ever watch this again under threat of searing gas pain. Not only is it confusing as fuck, but the cast features Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. How about not?
That being said, the soundtrack is probably one of the best I’ve ever heard. Not only does it have Radiohead, which automatically bumps it up, but there are also songs by Chemical Brothers, Jeff Buckley, Peter Gabriel and two tracks by R.E.M.
Apparently the Academy agrees with me, because they awarded this CD with an Oscar. I guess they ignored the fact that Cameron Diaz sings on it.
Also, I’m not going to tell you what to do or anything, because I’m not a bitch like that (HAHAHAHAHA!), but I would recommend totally bypassing the movie and just listening to the soundtrack. Unless you’re high. Then you might actually understand what the hell is going on.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Everything In Its Right Place”- Radiohead (one of my absolute favorite Radiohead songs EVER)
“Solsbury Hill”- Peter Gabriel
“All the Right Friends”- R.E.M.
“Last Goodbye”- Jeff Buckley
“Where Do I Begin”- Chemical Brothers
“Vanilla Sky”- Paul McCartney
“Svefn-g-englar”- Sigur Ros
High Fidelity used its main setting (a record store) to play up the fact that it could really go to town with this music deal- and it did. The soundtrack to this film is a music geek’s wet dream.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Who Loves The Sun”- The Velvet Underground
“Lo Boob Oscillator”- Stereolab
“Shipbuilding”- Elvis Costello and the Attractions
Ev’rybody’s Gonna Be Happy”- The Kinks
Here it is: my main reason for today’s Aural Sex. I’ve probably seen this movie thirty times, and I still watch it at least a few times a year. Whenever I listen to the soundtrack it takes me back to when I was in junior high, when I had no bills, I didn’t have to work and my friends and I hung out in our own version of Empire Records. I actually saw a bunch of these bands play live over a decade ago and most of them were pretty badass.
If you haven’t had the chance to watch this flick yet, do it. You are seriously missing out.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Til I Hear It From You”- Gin Blossoms
“A Girl Like You”- Edwyn Collins
“Liar”- The Cranberries
“Crazy Life”- Toad the Wet Sprocket
“Circle of Friends”- Better Than Ezra
“Whole Lotta Trouble”- Cracker
“Sugarhigh”- Coyote Shivers
Here are some more awesome songs that are in the movie that didn’t make the soundtrack cut:
“Video Killed The Radio Star”- The Buggles
“Romeo & Juliet”- Dire Straits
“Counting Blue Cars”- Dishwalla
“Plowed”- Sponge
“How”- The Cranberries
“I Shot The Devil”- Suicidal Tendencies
“If You Want Blood (You’ve Got It)”- AC/DC
“Money (That’s What I Want)”- The Flying Lizards
“Little Bastard”- Ass Ponys
There are a lot of reasons that Almost Famous is my favorite movie of all time (for most of them, go here). The use of music in the film changed my life, and the way director Cameron Crowe and his wife Nancy Wilson utilized “Tiny Dancer” hit nerves in my body I didn’t even know I had.
To this day, the companion CD to Almost Famous remains the most played of my collection.
SUPERIOR TRACKS:
“Tiny Dancer”- Elton John
“I’ve Seen All Good People”- Yes
“That’s The Way”- Led Zeppelin
“Sparks”- The Who
“I’m Waiting For The Man”- David Bowie
If that doesn’t convince you, here’s a list of some more of the artists used in the film that weren’t included on the soundtrack (I couldn’t even fit everything):
The Stooges
Black Sabbath
Jethro Tull
Joni Mitchell
Neil Young and Crazy Horse
The Guess Who
Fleetwood Mac
Deep Purple
Steely Dan
MC5
Jimi Hendrix
And a shit-ton more of Led Zep. If you’re still questioning why I put this compilation in the spot that I did you are hereby banned from this blog.
TV IS PEOPLE TOO! (OR SOMETHING)
2007-Present, NBC
When Lost ended, Chuck was elevated to my Favorite TV Program slot. It’s an action/comedy/drama/spy series that I can’t even fit into one category, so I’m just going to tell you to watch it or I will be pissed. It’s on Mondays at 8pm on NBC. There’s nothing else on then, anyway, unless you’re a fan of Dancing With the Tards.
Chuck is the brainchild of Josh Schwartz, former head of The O.C. (he also created the television incarnation of Gossip Girl, but I guess I can forgive him for that). He hired music supervisor Alex Patsavas for this show, as well, and one of the two of them had the genius idea to include Cake’s “Short Skirt, Long Jacket” in the beginning of every episode of Chuck as the opening title sequence. Not only is it a great song but it’s perfect for the themes of the show (Cake is worth checking out, too).
There’s also a hilarious “band” in the series in the characters of “Jeffster”- two complete morons who think that they’re hot shit and steal every scene they’re in. Here’s the “Jeffster” music video:
There’s not a ton of music featured on Chuck, but when it is, it’s definitely notable.
2003-2010, CBS
The interesting element of Cold Case was that every episode took place in a different year, so the music was always diverse. In the span of a month the show would feature 30’s swing to 60’s psychedelia to shit that came out a week ago. The show would also use costumes and props that fit with the era and black-and-white film when the situation called for it.
Cold Cases’ downfall was its unfortunate CBS timeslot of Sunday at 10pm. Not only was it often pre-empted due to NFL football, but it often took a backseat due to that shitfest Undercover Boss. No wonder it was ultimately cancelled.
In 2008, CBS released a soundtrack, so you can get a sense of its diverse musical elements.
2003-2007, FOX
Before it was soaked up into the laughable world of irrelevance, The O.C. broke a ton of artists and had a lot of indie music cred. During its second season, all-ages nightclub The Bait Shop was introduced as a way to get musical acts to perform.
The O.C. featured artists such as The Killers, Modest Mouse, Death Cab and The Subways, and even had an entire episode dedicated to a Rooney concert. Bands such as Beastie Boys, U2 and Beck even premiered new singles on the show. I beefed up my iPod due to The O.C.
Producer Josh Schwartz and music supervisor Alex Patsavas later went on to work together on Gossip Girl and Chuck.
The O.C. released six soundtracks, including an album to commemorate their made-up holiday of Chrismukkah. I would recommend checking out a list of music featured on the show and working your way up from there.
1997-2003, THE WB/UPN
Buffy, the Vampire Slayer was my favorite show all through high school and some time afterward. I still watch all the marathons even though I own all the DVD’s and can recite some of the episodes backwards and forwards and know them all by title within three seconds of the opening sequence. I don’t want to hear any shit- that show is a classic and a lot of critics and most of the sci-fi community feel the same way, so fuck you, too!
Anyway.
There are actually three companion CD’s- one is a soundtrack for the musical episode and the other two were released as compilations for the show itself. The first Buffysoundtrack, released in 1999, is awesome and every song on it rules. “The Buffy/Angel Love Theme” still chokes me up.
If I absolutely HAD to pick the best tracks off the album, I guess I would go with these:
“Temptation Waits”- Garbage
“Strong”- Velvet Chain
“I Quit”- Hepburn
“Keep Myself Awake”- Black Lab
“Nothing But You”- Kim Ferron
“Wild Horses”- The Sundays (This is also on my list of Greatest Covers)
“Charge”- Splendid
2005-Present, THE WB/CW
I cannot believe this show has not yet released a soundtrack. The music is ridiculous.
Despite being on a channel for eleven-year-olds, Supernatural features a shit-ton of classic rock- actually, that’s pretty much all the music it has on there. Creator Eric Kripke is apparently an enormous fan of The Zep, but they’re too expensive, so he prefers to name certain episodes after their songs instead (I’ll take it). There was one fantastic moment in the show where my husband Dean Winchester was boning some girl and it was underscored with Blind Faith. I love Steve Winwood, so I flipped out.
Supernatural has, by far, the best soundtrack of any show on television, regardless of whether it’s been made available to the public or not. It’s probably a legal issue or a money issue, but I own all of the songs on the show anyway so I guess it’s not really that big of a deal.
PS- Would you bang Dean Winchester or what?
That does it for this month’s Aural Sex. If you feel inclined to check out my picks, let me know what you think, and as always, if you want to pick a fight, leave your comments below. Keep in mind, though, that I weigh like four pounds so you will definitely win and you won’t have any bragging rights or anything.
