Monday, May 02, 2011

SMAC: FUCKING AMAZING ROUND TABLE OF WIN EDITION

I am SUPER stoked for this month's edition of the Horrible Movie Blogring because:

A) We've FINALLY chosen a name! After a lot of arguing, tears and a massive, nipply slumber party where vodka and water balloons made their requisite appearances, I give you the Shitty Movie Awareness Club, a.k.a SMAC. Special thanks to Coyote Tits for letting me basically cop her idea for myself (PS- it's her birthday this week! Feel free to drop by her blog and leave lots of inappropriate pics. She likes ponies. Hairless ones).

2) Have you guys seen the list of participants this month? It makes my loins eyes wet. We have the regular psychos who actually take the time each month to sacrifice their dignity, and now, for the first time, I have almost the entire Nip Clique in on this. When I was preparing the swap list for May I almost cried tears of happiness. I am seriously THAT EXCITED.

Speaking of the swap list, every time the reviews go up I inevitably get complaints that I left people out. Well, guess what? When this 'ring started in January I had four people, including myself. Now I have between 15-20 every month, and I can't remember who goes where (hmmm... sounds sexy. Call me <3). No more assuming- if you want in, send me a goddamn email, or you're not invited.

Squirrel) Not only do I get to post my assault on From Justin to Kelly for Sara Nips (SQUEEEE!!!!!), but this month I got to host Tsa for the first time ever!


Tsa is another one of my best bloggy friends because she was actually insane cool enough to show me around San Francisco when I visited a few months ago. If she weren't so awesome I would have wondered if there were something wrong with her. There probably is- I mean, she did willingly hang out with me, more than once.
If this pairing gets you totally hot, BTW, you might also want to pick up the third issue of her zine, Be About It- it features a guest post from me about dreams. It's only $2.50, plus shipping.

So, here's Tsa's contribution to SMAC: The Pop Stars Edition. Check out my review on Nips' blog, and don't forget to email me for next month! I'm at thataintkosher83@gmail.com, and emails are due by Friday, May 20th.

Oh snap, my entry this month for the Trainwreck Movie Fest is going on Nugs' blog. I had better not fuck this up. If you don't know me by now, you ain't never ever gonna know me (woooooo-ooooooo). Psyche, I'm Alexandra of the Tsaritsa sez. Check out my site if you like deh funnies.

Pop stars, pop tarts, poop stars. When was the last time you saw a good movie starring an icon from popular music? Take a minute and think about it, I'll wait. When I try to rack my brain over good pop star movies I come up with that one Billie Holiday movie with Diana Ross playing the blues legend, Lady Sings The Blues, and the Selena film with Jennifer Lopez, but after that I'm at a loss. Maybe those two movies were good because the roles the singers played weren't all that different from their day jobs. Remember that Mariah Carey movie? I blanked it out from my memory. I'm just trying to say that pop starlets aren't usually amazing actors, and the movies they chose to take part in usually suck the big one-- and that's not saying they suck in a horrendously hilarious way but in a blinding myself by gouging my eyes out with a spork kind of way. All of that aside, what if I told you that a movie existed that is amazingly bad as it is superbly thrilling and features not only pop stars but rappers? Lots of them. Do I have your attention?


State Property 2 is the movie I was hinting at. Written, directed and starring Dame Dash, co-founder of Roc-A-Fella Records, which explains a lot as SP2 is kind of like a big wank-off to Dame's importance in the music and crime world. If you've never heard of him before but you know of Roc-A-Fella Records (the other co-founder is Jay-Z), don't be too hard on yourself. I'm here to hold your hand for the rest of the post if you need me to. Kidding. No one cares or ever talks about Dame Dashbecause he's an asshole as Kanye West will tell you. Getting back on track, SP2 is a sequel but watching the first State Property is not a requirement, and actually I would warn against it. The sequel is a vast improvement over the original; it's funny and silly where the first film took itself too seriously and fell very flat in its delivery. The first time I viewed SP2 my mom happened to be in the living room with me reading through a magazine, but I kept catching her looking up to watch the movie. She even laughed a few times. SP2 is mom-approved, if that tells you anything.


Aside from Dame and his ego (both prominent figures) the movie also stars Beanie Sigel, Freeway and Omillio Sparks, three Philly rappers, as well as Mariah Carey (as a high-maintenance girlfriend), Ol' Dirty Bastard of the Wu-Tang Clan (as a snot-nosed burger flipper), and a slew of other hip-hoppers that I could name but I'll spare you. The story-line is incredibly weak and pretty much non-existent. Have you ever listened to a skit on a hip-hop album? If you answered yes, good. If not, go download some hip-hop albums before you continue reading this. The movie is basically a series of set-ups for silly skits, a la "Deeez Nuuuts" and "The Doctor's Office" on Dr. Dre's game-changing album The Chronic. Some of the skits in SP2 are really funny, spit-take funny at times, but even the most hilarious selection of skits can feel empty when there isn't a plot to carry them.


To end this on a positive note, State Property 2 is the kind of movie that you watch when you have a bunch of friends over and you want to talk and have fun but also have something ridiculous going on in the background. According to iMDB the word "fuck" is used in the film about 270 times, so that's a good drinking game right there.

5 comments:

tsada kay said...

Good stuff! Neato blog! Now I want a fucking knish.

Tsada

Erin likes it hot. said...

Ooooooo! I want to get in on the ring, it looks like funski.

That Ain't Kosher said...

@Tsada- Thanks! I kind of do too.

@Erin- Just shoot me an email and you're in. I think we're doing animated films next month, but we usually vote.

Sara said...

Any movie with that many rap stars sounds like a fucking WIN to me. I'll definitely add this to me to-watch list. :)

ShellyTalks said...

That kitten is just too frickin' cute for words!