Twi-Hard... With A Vengeance

Usually I don't give a shit about "celebrities," unless I'm mocking them or imagining what they look like naked.

I'm easily distracted.

Recently, however, no one can get away from this whole obnoxious deal with Kristen Stewart, who apparently "cheated" on her "boyfriend" Robert Pattinson with some 80-year-old married dude or something. Personally I find this whole situation ridiculous, as I have a tough time believing that this whole "relationship" was even real to begin with. This would probably be where my mom launches into her rant about how I think everything is a bullshit marketing conspiracy, but seriously. If you think about it:

Nine thousand years ago, when the first Twilight movie was released, it didn't take long for the public to assume that the two stars were actually dating, justliketheircharactersomgnoway!!!!!!!! This seemed like a logical jump; most of the self-proclaimed "Twi-hards" (REALLY???) appeared to be unable to separate fiction from reality.

EXHIBITS A, B and C:



WOW. Holy shit.

Personally, I never got the whole obsession with any of these kids. That three year old that plays the dog or whatever looks like an alpaca and has the acting abilities of a mop tied to a two-by-four, and the other guy looks like an unwashed lesbian, although admittedly he has gotten a little better looking as he's gotten older.

The one I'm really trying to wrap my head around is Kristen Stewart herself. Admittedly, I'm more sexually attracted to waffle fries than I am to women (although I am, strangely, incredibly attracted to waffle fries), but I just don't get her. Supposedly her Twilight alter-ego has two guys ass-to-mouth in love with her; they couldn't cast somebody who at least has a pair of tits? And also more than one facial expression?

She also seems like she'd be a total cunt. I don't know her personally or anything, but I've seen her interviewed, and she always seems to crack out one sparkling gem after another. A couple of years ago she had the proverbial balls to compare being followed by the paparazzi to being violently raped.

What a class act.

Sadly, I got dragged to Breaking Hymen or whatever the fuck it was called and GOOD GOD was that the biggest piece of absolute shit I've ever seen in my life. Sitting in that theater was akin to birthing a malcontent adult sea lion through my ear canal. The one bright spot was when I fell asleep for ten minutes. Oh, and when I bequeathed unto the audience my own Rifftrax. I don't think they appreciated it nearly as much as I did, though.

Also, thanks to the Nip Clique and my brother, who provided me with my very own drinking game. Some highlights included:

Take a drink every time someone glances past the camera longingly at nothing
Take a drink every time someone acts with their nipples and/or hair
Take a drink every time you sense another member of the Nip Clique praying for you
Take a drink every time you think of another way to fake your own death
Fuck it, just take a drink

I don't know how I wasn't dead after five minutes.

Now that we're finally coming up on the last of the Shitlight movies out of what, 712 of them, the cast, despite failing miserably critically and commercially with all of their projects that haven't been part of this shamefully atrocious franchise, is probably desperate to distance themselves from anything having to do with these films. What better way to accomplish this than to "break up" the film series' "actual couple?"

Also, considering the recent announcement that Ho White and the Huntsman is getting the sequel treatment, this is pretty good timing for that franchise as well. Before this story broke, did you know anybody besides his family that could tell you the name of the guy who directed that movie? Well, you do now.


FYI, his wife is an "aspiring" actress. This is probably an awesome PR move for her, too.

Kristen Stewart doesn't give a shit about how she comes off in all this. She's currently the highest-paid actress in Hollywood (sick, I know) with a bunch more projects lined up and already has a rep as a first-class bitch. This will change nothing for her. She could have just let this shit go but with all those stupid "public apologies" and statements this is really her fault that this isn't going away. If this were real at all she would have just focused on repairing her personal life instead of issuing a billionty statements to people who really don't care all that much.

Look, I don't actually know any of these people, nor do I give a fuck about what goes on in their lives. I could be way off base with all of this. But judging from the timing of everything, the whole thing seems a little too fabricated, and kind of makes it seem like the entertainment industry thinks that the general public is a bunch of idiots. This pisses me off, but at least I can take some consolation in the fact that there will definitely not be another Twilight movie ever again. EVER.

Probably. Maybe. Let's hope not.