Friday, January 07, 2011


So here's a shocker: I get jealous sometimes. I know, what could I possibly have to be envious of?

I totally want to join in on this Karaoke Blogring of Death that all my friends are doing every month, but I don't have a webcam, so I decided to make my own swap. I asked a bunch of my fellow Bloggi (I'm totally going to pimp that word, yo) to pick a terrible movie of their choice and review it, then stick said review on another unsuspecting blogger's page. First up for 2011: Shitty Horror Films.

I got to post for the sex-tastic Christina, and you can read my post on the Citizen Kane of direct-to-DVD's Thankskilling here. Before you do that, read Brian, from phonon505, right under me (RAWR). This was supposed to go up yesterday, and it is TOTALLY his fault that this is late, but he's forgiven because he promised me pie later on (Double RAWR). Whatever. Just enjoy.

Oh, PS- Brian is really smart and there's lots of engineer-y stuff in here, so my head kind of exploded. I'm SO going to check out this movie.

Hey all, so my movie review of the month is of this awesome move entitled "Primer" , which turns out is nottt exactly a horror movie. But it is a crazy movie, and everybody loves le crazy. But hey, it was between that and Twelve Monkeys, and who wants to talk about the possible destruction of the human race via biological warfare?

This movie opens up with a bunch of guys sitting around a table trying to formulate the next get-rich-quick scheme. These are pretty smart dudes, too, the kind of people that mere mortals would call an engineer.

WOOT Engineers!
They want to solve some of the worlds major problems, but to make a long story short, they build a really shitty time / aging machine. It's basically a box with some awesome pseudophysics going on, and inside of this box an object experiences time at something like 4000 times the normal rate, so you can put a piece of apple pie in here for 5 minutes, when it comes out it's going to be disgusting and nasty, so nasty that I really just can't let you have a piece, Nugs. You'd get sick! But whats even cooler about this box is that is makes absolutely no sense - because een though you would mega-age if you got in here, if you get out at specific intervals of time, you don't age at all and instead go back in time to the time when the machine first got turned on. Essentially, they realize that their machine ages things really fast, and say "Hey, we can use this to go back in time" and it works. I just want to re-iterate, it's a really crappy time machine, because if you crawl out of bed at the wrong moment, you age hundreds or thousands or days instead of going back in time 4 hours.

One of the rules in time travel is that you never go back to visit yourself. Well, this machine can only go back in time to the day it was last turned on, so that doesn't really work here. These dudes start going back in time a few hours, knowing what happens in the future (aka stock market going up) but what's really creepy is that there are "doubles" of them. This is where things get really, really strange, and your head explodes.

Plot Flow-Chart, Courtsey Randall Munroe
It turns out that because you get stuck in an endless loop of time travel you end up with lots of time to make spare time machines, and that's really important because you can only use a machine to go back in time when it was first flipped on. So these dudes keep whipping out these time machines that they have turned on earlier and earlier, and getting attacked their doubles. But the really, really sad thing, is that once you decide to travel back in time, you're sort of, well, dead, and it's actually a duplicate person who appears back in time. Like I said, this is by far the biggest piece of junk time machine ever invented. But the movie is actually pretty good if you can prevent your head from exploding int he last third of it. Lots of emotional crap with the doubling, fun pseudo scientific talk, a little Wall Street. On my scale of movie ratings, this move is "The Best".

-Brian M

OK, so I understood like seven words in this review, but I'm a gigantic nerd, so I still find time travel talk to be pretty hot. Call me, Brian. <3

If you guys want to participate next month when we do crappy rom-coms in honor of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre, drop me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.comby January 20th. I may do a vlog because apparently that's what you guys voted on last month, so I don't really have a choice.


Roxanne and Lorraine said...

I'm not sure what just happened, but I'm pretty sure I liked it. A lot. Crappy rom-coms you say? That's is awful tempting...


Christina In Wonderland said...

You get pie from this guy? Ugh. How can I compete? :/ This saddens me.

But I have GOT to watch these movies. They all seem so fucking awful and great!

And crappy rom-coms? YES!!!!!!!!!

MrsCaptKerk said...

This sounds like so much fun! If you like half hearted attempts at reviews...Let me know, I'm your girl!

soft nonsense said...


That's going to need to happen all up on my blog. Guess I have to wait until exactly January 20th to email you though.