I BET YOU THINK YOU'RE SPECIAL

In a shameless attempt to get more people to pay attention to me, I’m taking on guest bloggers. So if you’re under the misguided notion that you’re funny, or cool, send an email with your post to thataintkosher83@gmail.com or drop me a comment and I’ll more than likely throw it up here. There’s no pretentious application process or anything- the truth is, I’m just lazy, not picky and willing to delegate my responsibilities to someone else. There’s no pay, no reward and no recognition. Happy Blogging!

SOCIAL DISTORTION

A few days ago I realized that in my first post, back in December, I mentioned this friend that I used to have that totally screwed me over, and then I promised to explain later. So, that never happened. Whoops. Sorry about that. In case any of you actually care, here's my "explain later," for two reasons: one, because I don't want to look like a liar, and two, because I'm past due for another blog post, and I have nothing specific to write about. So here it is.

I met this girl (we'll call her "L," for the sake of protecting my own privacy) in college, and we were instant friends. We became really close really fast, and we bonded over the fact that our professor looked exactly like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. I'll chalk up our eventual implosion to the fact that we grew tight pretty quickly, and we really didn't know each other as well as we thought, and therefore I didn't realize that she was a raging sociopath.

I'm not saying that L didn't have some good qualities- I stayed with her for a few weeks while I looked for a new apartment; she drove me to the hospital when I got sick one time; we had our favorite restaurants, favorite movies, favorite TV shows (Top Chef night was a staple with us). Our families were like second families- we got invited on all each others' family vacations. She had spare keys to my apartment. It was like we were a married couple, without the terrible sex or the long-settling resentment.

After a couple of years, things started to turn towards the negative. L would chastize me for bringing up comic book references even though she greeted people with a fist bump (um, hi? WONDER TWINS?) and spent hours a day playing video games by herself. If I didn't like or dislike the same things she did she would give me shit about it and try to wear me down. She "banned" me from watching SVU marathons, Family Guy and ESPN Classic, and informed me that talking about this stuff is why I was single. Excuse me, but the last time I checked, every guy I know loves sports and Family Guy. When Halloween came around, she told me I couldn't spend it with her and the rest of the group because I wouldn't dress up as someone from Mario Party. That was fine with me, because I had a date, anyway. Explain that, resident guy expert. Also, have fun at your Nintendo convention. Loser.

I knew we were on our last legs when she started separating me from some of her other friends because they "didn't want to meet me." And, as if that weren't bad enough, she actually informed me that she'd told some of them that I was "slow." I mean, I know I didn't discover a new Theory of Relativity or anything like that, but I'd like to think that I'm right up there in terms of intellectual thinking. I didn't even know where the fuck that came from. Anyway, you'd think with the constant "reminders" L gave me that I had a minimal social circle (unlike her, of course- she took her phone to the bathroom with her in case she missed a text), she'd want to introduce me to as many people as possible.

To my relief, the end came pretty rapidly. Even though she had a boyfriend that was a total tool that followed her everywhere and missed all the signs that she was fucking, like six other people- without protection, of course, because I was the dumb one- she still accepted a date with a guy that she worked with. We were hanging out at my apartment one day when she told me about said excursion- a trip to see the local minor league hockey team. I said that it sounded like fun, and for the rest of the day, she kept dropping hints that she wanted me to go, so it "wouldn't be a date." She even thought that I might like him, so I agreed to go.

I swear she set this up to be an epic failure. The guy, who we'll call "R," calls her to let her know he was on his way, and L lies to him that I had invited myself. Great, now he hates me for horning in on his date. It didn't matter though- as soon as he picked us up I realized that the dude totally looks like Beavis, from the MTV cartoon. If they ever do a live action movie, I'm serious- no audition needed.

Anyway, we both get into the car and I sit in the back- not exactly a prime conversation spot. The music gets turned way up and they immediately start talking about people from work. The game goes kind of OK, and I kind of get pulled into the conversation a little bit, and then I get up to get food. I come back, and L tells me that he thinks I'm hot, and that she told him I'm single- which, is weird, considering they'd been making out all night. They then proceed to ignore me, and I get to spend the next few hours watching them eat each other's faces. Considering I never told her I'm not interested, I'm pretty pissed off. I wouldn't ever date this guy- it's the principle. Technically, she's a whore.

The next day, R sends me an IM- I assume that he got my screen name from L. He tells me that he does like me, and he's sorry for hooking up with my friend, and that he knows she has a boyfriend, blah blah blah and shit. Please- I was there. She started it, but it's not like you begged her to stop. He goes on to say that he knows I'm a Jets fan, and invites me to his house tomorrow for Monday Night Football. Then, weirdly, he tells me the plan is to watch the game, and then go to L's house. Even though I find this really odd, stupidly, I say yes.

The next morning, L texts me to congratulate me on my date. This whole thing is way too Three's Company for me- I realize this is retarded, and when R calls me to tell me he's on his way, I let him know that I'm no one's second choice, and cancel. Twenty minutes later, L sends me another text (she's allergic to phone calls), yelling at me for canceling. She tries to force me to go on the date, telling me it will "be good for me." I say no, and the conversation ends. The next day, I realize that L has blocked me from Facebook, and we haven't spoken since.

So, that was it. The end of a really fucked-up era. I've asked for my keys back multiple times, only to be ignored. Whatever, it's not like she'll come here or anything. Unfortunately, I can't get rid of this guy, who's a psycho too, BTW. He's obsessed with guns and shooting people and planning "dates" for us that will never happen. He used to constantly declare his love for me over IM's (I'm dead serious), so I blocked him online, but he still tries to get me on Facebook chat even though I always ignore him. You'd think after a month or two he would get the hint. He used to text me, but he hasn't in a while. I keep forgetting to delete him from my friends list, but now that I wrote this blog, maybe I'll finally get around to it.

Anyway, sorry to get so serious (and so long- thanks for sticking around). Next time I promise I'll be funny again.

REALITY TV, IF I RAN THE NETWORKS (BE AFRAID)

Being stuck in LA for the last month has really sent my Bullshit Meter through the roof. I realize that it's only in the 60's here, but it's pretty obvious that the real reason people aren't going outside during the day is because they're afraid their plastic bodies will melt in the sun. The Oscars were this past weekend and I couldn't have one conversation without some nominees' name being dropped (in nickname form, no less). On Monday, I went to a Kings game with my friend and we were the only girls not wearing fake eyelashes, tank tops and six inch stiletto heels. Um, do these whores realize that the game is played on an ice rink? That's cold? My brain needs something that doesn't fit into the "fake" category STAT.

Lately it seems like I'm not even safe when I watch television. Every three seconds there's a new "reality" show that pops up and invades my otherwise pleasant existence. Remember when it came out that the The Hills was scripted and everybody freaked out like someone had just found Moses in an Ed Hardy outlet store in New Jersey? Please. Like any show on TV can accurately qualify as "reality." If I ran the networks, I would make sure that reality shows were actually real. Here's how I would make over the worst offenders:

AMERICAN IDOL: I have the greatest idea ever for this show. While the contestants sing, suspend them over a shark tank. With every negative comment from the judges (especially that asshole Simon Cowell), the rope gets lower and lower. Then, at the end of the night, the contestant that gets voted off gets dropped into the tank and eaten. The crunching sounds, of course, would be magnified by the microphone.

I would totally watch that.

SURVIVOR: There are no actual "survivors" on this show. Does anyone really believe that the producers would let any of their cash cows die of starvation or get seriously injured? Hell, no. I say let these people really "survive"- throw them into a different locale every year. Start off with Harlem, and switch it up. South Detroit, South Central LA, anywhere where you can get shot just for making eye contact. Then tuck the cameramen away in a nice, secluded apartment with a doughnut and coffee spread and let the fun begin.

DANCING WITH THE STARS: On my show, "dancing" means "shoot at their feet so they have to move around a lot to live." Also, the general public would get to pick who would be on the show, and they would fire the guns themselves. Note: I have shitty aim.

THE APPRENTICE: Donald Trump would work for me. I'm a fan of hard labor.

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES: I really don't give a shit about these overprivileged, underworked, egotistical bitches from Orange County and the Upper East Side. Show me the "Real" Housewives of Bumfuck, Idaho that sit around all day watching Maury, eating bonbons and growing their asses out of their trailers. The hour would fly by.

TOOL ACADEMY: The girls on this show would get to beat their boyfriends with actual tools (hence the clever title). The "winner" gets hacked with a chainsaw.

I'M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUT OF HERE: The contestants are all from my list of Most Annoying Celebrities, and the island is the island from Lost, which no one can find. That way just when they think they get to leave, SURPRISE!- the island won't let them, and they all stay there forever, until everyone is killed by the Smoke Monster for being obnoxious.

THE REAL WORLD: Take seven strangers that have just graduated from college and follow them around with cameras as they try to live in a shitty apartment in a poorly lit area, apply for jobs, struggle with car payments and eventually have to move back in with their parents. So, basically, record the lives of everyone else on the planet that isn't being sheltered by MTV.

Just don't change Jersey Shore. I have a feeling the kids on that show really are that dumb.

LOBOTOMIZE THIS

First of all, I need to apologize for my ridiculously long absence. I've been in Los Angeles for the past couple of weeks, visiting friends and helping my dad switch apartments. I'll return to the real world shortly.

Being in Los Angeles has been a real trip. My dad lives here, so at least I have a free place to stay with HD and I'm not paying for food or anything. But other than that, LA is a fucking nightmare. I'm a huge Lost fan, so I kept praying for the ending to the pilot episode, but I still touched down at LAX. Six hours after I landed, I already wanted to go home.

I actually lived here for work for a few months a while ago, and it was during that time that I realized that the difference between New York City and LA is monumental. It's not just the weather, or the time change- it's the way people dress, think, speak, act. I walk everywhere, and people here think that's weird. Sixty degrees for me is t-shirt weather, and people in LA think that requires a parka and boots. At least three times a week I've gotten a comment on my Brooklyn accent, which I know is present, but actually isn't as pronounced as people here think.

THIS is how it's done.

Actually, all of that is pretty amusing. It's the people I've met that make me want to puke. Aside from the few friends that I have here, the name-dropping and celebrity-whoring is so rampant that I constantly have the urge to throw up. Guys are always coming up to me in their stupid sunglasses and telling me they can make me famous. I'm sick of hearing who these clowns know and what they do. Take note, Asshole: just because you filmed your little brother riding his tricycle through your backyard twenty years ago does not make you a producer. The fact that I've managed not to laugh in any of these idiots' faces makes me much more of an actor than any of them.

The girls are pretty horrible, too. I've managed to befriend the three of them with real jobs- probably because they're not from LA- but most of them are total morons that moved here to win an Oscar, and when that failed, they just wound up doing Oscar for ten dollars an hour.

The entire time that I lived here, I was completely miserable. My job was a dead-end that I knew would lead nowhere, and I have absolutely no interest in the bullshit parties and club scenes that I was being thrown into. My family and friends were 3,000 miles away, my jet lag was always up my ass, and the people I met only talked about themselves, celebrities, or themselves and celebrities. I was over it in about three days, but miraculously, I lasted another few months without totally losing my shit. My boss, who luckily knew that he couldn't provide me with any suitable work, told me I could do freelance projects back East and let me go home. I was packed in two hours.

The first thing my friends did to welcome me back to this planet was take me out for New York City pizza. Being a native New Yorker, I have incredibly high standards for pizza. All pies must meet a certain criteria:

A) Thin crust (none of this deep-dish bullshit- what the hell is that? Eat me, Chicago.)

B) A little heavy on the cheese, but not so much so that it constitutes the title of "extra cheese"

c) Extra drippy with the oil- you must look like The Joker after you eat it

No toppings, either. Pizza must always be eaten plain. Pepperoni is OK, because that's a classic, and so is extra sauce or cheese, because those are used as ingredients. But that's it.

Also, none of this pussy-ass dabbing the oil off the pizza, especially if you're a guy. You may hold the slice at an angle, so the oil drips off, but any guy that wipes the oil off must immediately be beaten, or forced to wear a dress.

Also, the sign of a real pizza place is one that only has pizza and heroes- no pasta. I love pasta, but if you want ziti, go to an Italian restaurant. If you want pizza, go to a pizza place. Don't do both in one setting. It's not kosher.

The greatest pizza (possibly the greatest food) you will ever experience in your life is the original Ray's Pizza on West 11th and 6th in Greenwich Village. Anyone who eats it will denounce all other pizzas. Trust me. (The other Rays, while also magically delicious, are just cheap imitations.)

What Los Angeles is sorely lacking is a good pizza joint. All of their pizza is treated as a fucking gourmet meal. There's always like, nine toppings on it, and they're always fucking weird and scary, like goat cheese or mangos or some shit. This is wrong, and should not be tolerated.

Who came up with this bullshit? They should be shawshanked.

So, now I've got an intense craving for New York City, and I've still got a couple of weeks left here. Honestly, I'd rather be on Shutter Island, so if anyone wants to send a ferry to bring me back home, please do so. Email me and I'll send you the address here.

THIS WON'T GET YOU LAID

Now that Valentine's Day is over, I'd like to congratulate everyone for living through it without blowing through everything in their wallet. I spent my day watching the winter Olympics and eating Chinese. My mom got me a card and a few of my friends sent me V-Day texts (one of my more hysterical friends sent me a "Happy VD!" Awesome). It actually wasn't so bad.

You know that friend I mentioned that subscribes to all those wedding magazines like they're the fucking DaVinci code of monthly publications or something? In honor of the holiday, she sent out one of those "Perfect Guy" bullshit chain letters, and I could not believe the shit that she put on there. No guy in his right mind would ever do any of this crap, and if he would, he's your gay friend (or really, REALLY desperate). So I decided to copy her list here and add my own commentary, because everyone thinks I am hilarious.

PS- When it comes to this girl, I use the word "friend" loosely.

1) TRY TO SECRETLY SMELL YOUR HAIR, BUT YOU ALWAYS NOTICE

Why the fuck would a guy want to sniff my hair? Please- I know what you're really after. You're only trying to get close to me so you can stick your hands in my underwear.

2) GIVE YOU THE REMOTE CONTROL DURING THE GAME

First of all, this assumes that girls don't like sports. I love watching "The Game." Second of all, no girl on her medication is dumb enough to change the channel when her boyfriend's favorite team is winning. And if she does, he SHOULD give her the remote- by burying her with it.

3) COME UP BEHIND YOU AND PUT HIS ARMS AROUND YOU

This would scare me. When you enter a room, announce your presence- loudly, so I don't think you're a serial killer and knee you in the nuts.

4) PLAY WITH YOUR HAIR

Again with the hair? OK, how's this for a trade-off- you touch my hair, I fling a ponytail holder into your eye.

FYI- if you've been reading my blog, you know how much I hate when guys play with my hair.

5) HIS HAND ALWAYS FINDS YOURS

Hand-holding is for seventh graders. I'm always down for a good drunken lap dance instead.

6) SLOW-DANCE WITH YOU

Oh, please. Any girl that forces a guy to slow-dance should have her face caught in a bear trap. "Nobody puts Baby in a corner"...with a firing squad.

7) REACT SO CUTELY WHEN YOU HIT HIM AND IT ACTUALLY HURTS

How come when a girl hits a guy, he should "react cutely," but when a guy hits a girl, she should call the cops and move in with her sister? Talk about a double standard. Violence is never the answer, unless you're watching Shoot 'Em Up (YES to Clive Owen).

8) DRIVE 5 HOURS JUST TO SEE YOU FOR 1

Now that's just stupid.

9) BE CUTE WHEN HE REALLY WANTS SOMETHING

See, this is where the late, great art of "communication" comes in (thanks again, Facebook!). If I want something...well, I pretty much just take it. But everyone else should just ask. This is how fights are avoided. No one can read minds, especially not those retards on the Psychic Network.

10) STARE AT YOU

What the fuck? How creepy is that? Psychiatrists have a word for that: SOCIOPATH. And while I have dated some scary losers, none of them have belonged in the mental ward- at least not officially.

So there you go. If you're a guy, you're probably rocking back and forth and shuddering uncontrollably. And if you're a girl, you're probably just thinking about how warped this chick's brain is. BTW, you can probably see this list on other sites because she sent it to like 100 other people. I'm serious.

Sometimes I'm really glad I'm single.

CELEBRATE WITH BOURBON

Assuming you were one of the 70 bajillion people who watched the Superbowl last night, who were you rooting for- the Colts or the Saints?

HA! Both were wrong. The correct answer is the JETS. It is always the JETS.

A couple of months ago I had dinner with a bunch of my girlfriends. This was right in the middle of the football season, and it didn't look good for me, as I'm a long-suffering, die-hard Jets fan. Sitting with me at the table was also a Colts fan, a Bengals fan and my friend Tammy, who's from New Orleans. We got into a long discussion about her team, "the 'Aints," and how they make the entire state of Louisiana cry. They were doing well this year, but she was trying not to be too optimistic, given their track record.

Flash-forward two months, and the Jets have beaten the Bengals, the Colts have beaten the Jets to win the AFC (and I have thrown shit against my wall) and the Saints have beaten the Colts to become the new Superbowl champs. Holy shit, no one saw that coming. Congratulations, Tammy. I owe you a beer...or six.




I look forward to Superbowl Sunday every year- I consider it a national holiday. Even when I don't necessarily care which team wins, I always find someone to root for. This year, the Saints destroyed the Vikings, and I hate Brett Favre, whose old-man ass ruined the Jets last year; and the Colts knocked out the Jets for the AFC Championship, so I was totally going for the Saints. Plus I knew it would be a great game- both teams are pretty evenly matched in both offense, defense and coaching, and I was pretty sure it wouldn't be a very high-scoring game. I was actually predicting somewhere around 24-21.

The game itself was, in fact, pretty amazing. The Saints came back from a 10-point deficit in the first quarter to win with two touchdowns in the second half. The most mind-blowing moment came in the very first second of the third quarter with that oneside kick made by the Saints that gave them change of possession and their first lead of the game. It was definitely a "WTF?" moment. I'd been watching ESPN coverage all morning and NO ONE predicted that the Saints would win the Superbowl- that one play changed everything. The Saints seemed to be such sentimental favorites that I wondered if the Colts would actually get booed if they won.

What was really surprising was that, unless I missed it, the camera never once panned to Kendra Wilkinson, who's married to the Colts' Hank Baskett, or Kim Kardashian, whose boyfriend is Reggie Bush of the Saints. That was disappointing- my friends and I had a whole drinking game planned for that! The battle between Kendra's ginormous fake boobs and Kim's epic ass could have been the real Halftime Show- hell, that could be the SyFy Channel's next movie. I'd watch that.

Speaking of the Halftime Show, The Who is always great- I've loved them since my parents took me to see Tommy when I was a little kid- but here's my beef: Did they really have to play the songs that just so happen to be the three theme songs from all the CSI's? I understand that this is CBS, and that those are coincidentally three of their most popular songs, and I really shouldn't complain, because Baba O'Reilly just happens to be my favorite Who tune. But no one tells The Who what to play. If Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey want to come onstage in a dress and heels surrounded by a litter of puppies, you say "OK" and shut the fuck up. Other than that, though, they sounded awesome.

And BTW, what the fuck was up with the commercials this year? I've always had a soft spot for the Superbowl ads because they're responsible for my love affair with football. In my second year of college, I took an advertising class where my professor gave us an assignment to watch the Big Game and write a paper on which ads were the best and the worst. My intention was to TiVo (ha! remember that?) the actual game and watch the commercials, but I actually found myself drawn in by the action. It was the Patriots vs. the Panthers, and my dad hates the Patriots, so he got really into it, and so did I. Later I remember it being referred to as "the greatest Superbowl of all time." Now, as a Jets fan, I still hate the Patriots, and rooting against them is a great bonding experience for my dad and I (even though he's a Giants fan- sucks to be you, Dad!).

Anyway, the commercials really sucked ass this year. I'm not big into this feminist bullshit, but there were a lot of really misogynistic ads. I have a ton of girlfriends that watch football and enjoy it just as much as my guy friends do. That one commercial where the guy was forced to go underwear shopping with his girlfriend really pissed me off. Another shitty one was the Coke ad about Mr. Burns. Come on- a Simpsons cartoon with no voices? What a waste.

The movie trailers were disappointing, too- Alice In Wonderland looks boring as shit. Tim Burton needs to stop.

There were some ads that I liked, though- the Denny's one with the screaming chickens running around, especially the silent one in space? I don't know why, but I thought that was fucking hilarious. Maybe someone slipped something into my drink. Another good one was the one for Dodge, with the guy making all the promises- especially the one about watching the "vampire shows." That part was great- vampire shows are horrible.

I liked the ad for Google because it seemed to cater to the women that watch football, too- there are some of us, you know. The commercial had no actors, just the Google icon showing a male exchange student's journey through Paris as he meets a girl, asks her out, marries her and has a baby (spelling stuff wrong), using the Google search engine. It was sweet, and seemed almost out of place for a Superbowl ad.

However, everyone will probably agree with me that the best (and most hysterical) commercial was the Snickers ad with Abe Vigoda and Betty White. The concept was a little ridiculous- you'll play football like an old lady if you don't eat Snickers- but she made it awesome. The best part was when one of the players says, "you're playing like Betty White!" and she says, "that's not what your girlfriend said!" I love Betty White- everything she does is great. She even made The Proposal watchable because she has no shame. You can see the ad here.



So that's my (abbreviated) Superbowl recap. Check back in next February when it's the Jets against someone in the NFC.

PS- in case you were wondering, I also DVR'd the Puppybowl.

WOULD YOU HIT IT? THE "MEN OF LOST" EDITION

I don't have a lot going on in my life right now, so there's not much I look forward to. However, considering I would push any one of my friends in front of a speeding car in order to get home in time for a new episode of Lost, I feel that I should do something to celebrate tomorrow night's final season premiere. (8pm on ABC! For three whole hours! And no, this is not a shameless plug- I don't work for them.)

There's this hilarious blog that I stumbled across called "Living With Balls" that's written by a guy who also loves Lost. One of his latest entries is a pros-and-cons list of what it would be like to nail any of the women on the island. It's pretty funny, but for any of you that watch the show, you probably know that there's some pretty hot pieces of ass for us girls, too.

So here's my retaliation- I call it the "Would You Hit It: The 'Men of Lost' Edition." Enjoy, ladies. (PS- you can check out his list here.)

Criteria: Really old guys and kids were left off the list. So no Walt, Aaron (he's a baby, you sick fucks!), Des and Penny's kid Charlie, Christian Shepard, Bernard or Widmore, no matter how much money he has. This doesn't apply to Locke, though, because he's such an integral part of the show. Also, the guy that plays Jacob is kind of decent looking, but we haven't determined if he's actually human, or myth, or whatever, so he (and MIB) are left off the list too. Happy choosing.

JACK


PROS- Jack is pretty sexy, no matter which way you look at it. His dad is pretty decent looking for an older guy, too, which means he's got good genes.

-He's a doctor, so he'll be able to fix you if you hurt yourselves trying out some weird position.

CONS- He's kind of a self-righteous dick. He's also addicted to pills and he drinks a lot.

-Has a tendency to grow unflattering beards

-Has serious daddy issues

-Is still in love with Kate, whose sole purpose on the island seems to be to run around and fuck things up while distracting everyone with her horse-like teeth

-Wears WAY too much clothing. You're on a deserted island, dude! Let's see some skin!





SAWYER

PROS- Again, you can't argue the fact that he's pretty hot, and he likes to walk around shirtless (score!).

-Open to doing it anywhere, such as a polar bear cage on a tropical island in front of a secret security camera

-Is smarter than he appears. He's always reading and making references to literary classics.

-Wicked sense of humor

CONS- Makes goo eyes at Kate while still plugging Juliet, who is clearly the better choice

-That pesky criminal record (but PRO- access to handcuffs)

-Has an illegitimate daughter. Baggage!



LOCKE

PROS- Is handy with knives, so he's good in a fight

-Great backgammon skills

-Wheelchair fights!

CONS- He's old. No way around that. He's also a little bit nuts.

-Only one kidney, so he's useless if you need one of those.

-There's a strong possibility that he could already be dead.



HURLEY

PROS- He seems like a genuinely nice guy, and there SO many of those to go around.

-He's a lottery winner. So unless he's totally against getting on a plane ever again, imagine the travel possibilities!

CONS- No nice way to put it- not the best looking guy on the list. Sorry, Hurley.

-This whole "I see dead people" deal is creepy as fuck.

-Lives in a mental hospital



SAYID

PROS- Has already been married, so there's no commitment phobia

-Um, have you seen his arms?

-Multi-lingual- so good for getting through security or the Kama Sutra

CONS- Been known to torture people to get information. Good luck with hiding that Visa bill.

-Horrible taste in women- fell in love with Shannon. Then again, this probably means that it's anyone's game.

-Has no problem shooting little kids



BEN

PROS- Capable of raising a daughter- kind of

-Good at following orders

CONS- Creepy as all hell. Also lies a lot.

-Kidnaps people and does weird shit to them

-Killed a bunch of people



JIN

PROS- He might show it in a weird way, but he's totally in love with his wife. So he's definitely capable of committed relationships.

-Handy at catching food

-Damn, this dude just won't die.

CONS- Barely speaks English

-Precarious occupation

-Has been known to fake his own death



CHARLIE

PROS- Played in a band. Most women would agree that's pretty hot.

-Sexy British accent

-Sacrificed himself for the island and for Claire (I may have gotten teary-eyed)

CONS- Heroin addict

-Presumed dead. May put a damper on dates.



BOONE

PROS- Totally hot. Just look at him.

-He was getting pretty handy with the boar hunting, so he could find you food if you needed it.

CONS- Fucked his stepsister. That's just gross.

-He's dead. Unless you're into necrophilia, I'd stay away.



DANIEL FARADAY

PROS- Ability to time travel. That's pretty kick-ass.

-Was a college professor and developed several formulas. So you know he's really smart.

CONS- Serious mom issues

- Those headaches and nosebleeds are a real bitch

-You might be better suited for someone who's alive



MILES

PROS- Hilarious, sarcastic sense of humor

CONS- Creepy ability to talk to dead people

-Another castaway with daddy issues



DESMOND

PROS- Time-traveling abilities are pretty awesome

-Kind of hot, in a scruffy, UK-way

-Not afraid to walk around half naked

-Lived in the hatch without going completely nuts, so he's got staying power

CONS- Deals with stress by drinking until passed out or becoming a monk- or both

-Tends to propose to women and then gets cold feet

-OK, maybe he's a little nuts



RICHARD ALPERT

PROS- Seemingly ageless, so you don't have to worry about his looks going anytime soon

-Knows a bunch of different languages- is up on his Latin and seems to be familiar with ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs

-Not much is known about him, and we women love mystery. Am I right, ladies?

CONS- Might steal your eyeliner

-Will most likely be prettier than you for decades



MICHAEL

PROS- Begged his girlfriend to marry him and to let him see his son, so no commitment issues there

-Good at building rafts, so you can travel anywhere for free

CONS- Needs serious time on the couch

-Was probably blown up on the boat



VINCENT

PROS- Always happy, loyal and adorable.

CONS- He's a dog, you disgusting perverts. I just put him on this list to trick you.



If I were stranded on the island and I had to pick one, I would go with Jack, because I'm shallow, and look at him. As long as he didn't go on and on with this "live together, die alone" crap, we'd be all set. Boone would be my second choice, but I can't get past this whole "I banged my stepsister" deal, especially when said stepsister is Shannon. I mean, really? SHANNON? REALLY!?

To get the men's version, check out the link at the beginning, and everyone watch the season premiere tomorrow night. It's the last season, so you know your head will explode.

NBC = NOTHING BUT CLOWNS

This morning I woke up to an empty DVR, and it finally hit me that there was no more Conan O'Brien. If you count The Simpsons (which you should), I've been watching him on TV for over 15 years, and I'm actually pretty sad about what went on with this whole Late Night shitshow.

Let me break it down for those of you who are blind, deaf, Amish, too broke to pay their electric bill or all of the above:

Conan had been with NBC for around 20 years, writing for SNL and then hosting Late Night. Leno hosted The Tonight Show beginning in 1992. Jay Leno seceded to Conan in 2009, and Late Night was passed down to Jimmy Fallon (who sucks, BTW). When Conan took over, NBC gave Leno his own 10pm talk show, which forced them to move around time slots for some shows and cancel others. Everyone soon figured out that Jay Leno is miserably unfunny and his ratings, along with Conan's and everything else on NBC, took a serious nosedive.

NBC tried to rectify this by fucking shit up even more. They decided to move Leno back to 11:35 and give him a half-hour show, and move Conan's Tonight Show to 12:05. Conan refused, which gave him no other option other than to leave the network. They finally came to a settlement in which they paid Conan off and told him not to return to TV for seven months, and gave Leno back his old show. Entertainment Weekly referred to the move as the "Biggest TV Bomb Ever," and everyone in Hollywood made fun of the network in award show acceptance speeches, late night monologues, gossip columns, etc.



Maybe the worst part of all this is that the contract also states that NBC gets to keep all of Conan's characters. This includes Triumph, Masturbating Bear, Vomiting Kermit, etc- what the fuck is Leno going to do with all of those? I can't believe I'm saying this, but I hope we never see them again.

Everyone I know is definitely on Team Coco. Jay Leno came out looking like a manipulative a-hole, and the network execs are most definitely the biggest jackasses to ever work in any form of media. So, to honor Conan O'Brien and the funniest TV hours of my young adult life, I've compiled a list of his Top 20 Greatest Moments, in no particular order. Observe:

The Simpsons: "I Love Lisa"- Technically Conan was really behind the scenes of this episode because he was a producer, but it's my blog and what I say goes. This is one of my top 10 Simpsons episodes- it's the one where Lisa gives a valentine to Ralph because she feels sorry for him, and he falls in love with her and takes her to the Krusty the Klown show. There are like 50 classic lines, including the one that Ralph reads from the card itself: "You choo-choo-choose me! And there's a picture of a train." That's fucking hysterical- I actually bought a t-shirt that says that. I can't even write all the funny moments here because it takes up too much space, but you can probably catch it on TV this Valentine's Day because FOX re-airs it every year.

http://www.wtso.net/movie/182-The_Simpsons_415_I_Love_Lisa.html

The Simpsons: "Bart Gets Famous"- This is the "I Didn't Do It Boy" episode of The Simpsons, back when the show was still funny. Conan makes a brief, animated appearance as himself, when Bart appears on Late Night and realizes that his 15 minutes is up. It's classic.

http://www.wtso.net/movie/252-The_Simpsons_512_Bart_Gets_Famous.html

Conan Talks Joe Buck Into Saying "Jub-Jub"on the Air- One of my favorite Late Night interviews was with sportscaster Joe Buck in 2007- it combined baseball with a great Simpsons episode. Conan is from Massachusetts and a self-proclaimed Red Sox fan, and this was the year of the Sox-Rockies World Series. Joe Buck was going to call the Series, and Conan told him that he would donate $1,000 to Buck's favorite charity if he would find a way to throw in the name "Jub-Jub" on the air during one of the telecasts (Simpsons fans will recall that "Jub-Jub" is the pet iguana of Marge's sisters and a creation of Conan himself). Hilariously, in the bottom of the third inning of Game One, Buck called Chris Meyers "our own little Jub-Jub." It was priceless.

http://ballhype.com/video/joe_buck_jub_jub_for_conan/

Masturbating Bear- Out of all Conan's characters, I think I might miss Masturbating Bear the most after Triumph. He was a dude in a terrible bear costume wearing something that resembled a gigantic penis. He would come out in random intervals and basically jiggle the penis around like he was a bear who masturbated. It made no sense, but it was about half a minute of me laughing my ass off.



Triumph Goes To A Star Wars Premiere- The greatest of all Conan's characters was hands-down Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Triumph was the creation of comic mastermind Robert Smigel (who also does TV Funhouse on Saturday Night Live), a bad dog puppet with a cigar that kept falling out of its mouth. Triumph came on the show occasionally to be a "correspondent" at different events such as dog shows, telethons, a Bon Jovi concert and, my personal favorite, a Star Wars premiere. He was hysterical and insulted everyone. The best line was when he asked a pregnant fan when her due date was, and told her that that was the last time her baby would ever see female genitalia. I died. Seriously, everyone go out and buy his DVD. I got it for my dad and he watched it 10 times in a week.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x115u4_triumph-the-insult-comic-dog-star-w_fun

Apple Picking with Mr. T- Mr. T used to make occasional appearances on Conan's show where he would just show up and be awesome. The best one was where they randomly went apple picking. Mr. T basically just yelled at the apples, and then squashed a bee. It was great. Mr. T rules.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHtf0fpgcbk

Conan Sells The Tonight Show on Craigslist- When Conan's negotiations with The Tonight Show were were still ongoing, he posted an actual ad to sell The Tonight Show on Craiglist and read some of the responses on the air. Some girl offered her cat, someone else wanted to trade for his guitar, and- my favorite- one guy had an autographed photo of Kato Kaelin. The ad is gone now, but I checked Craigslist the day after this aired and it was actually there. Stuff like that is why I will always love Conan.



"If They Mated"- If They Mated was a hilarious sketch on Late Night where Conan would take two celebrities and find out what would happen if their genetics mashed and they made a kid. Unfortunately for them, it was always really literal, and the results were fucking hilarious. He even made a book about it, and it was just as funny on paper.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sh7QBpQaGTc

Buy The Book

"Celebrity Survey"- Celebrity Survey, another skit on Late Night, was a bunch of questionnaires that Conan "mailed" to different famous people that supposedly answered them. It would have life questions with two random celebrities' "serious" answers and one ridiculous one. One of my recent favorites:

"My favorite website for shopping is: Julianne Moore wrote, 'Bluefly.' Brian Williams wrote, 'Brookstone.' Madonna wrote, 'Afrobaby Direct.'"

Amazing.

http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/conans-celebrity-survey/6r8zn9c

"In The Year 2000"- Sometimes when Conan had a guest on that was a semi-regular he would do a skit called "In the Year 2000," where he would make predictions about what would happen in the future. He would usually have the guest help him out, and when he hosted The Tonight Show, Andy Richter did it with him. The best part was that once 2000 rolled around, he didn't change the name, so it was even greater. Once he moved to The Tonight Show, he switched it to In The Year 3000, which kind of ruined it a little bit, but it was still funny. PS- there's a book for this one, too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJXn13-bTlU

Buy The Book

Vomiting Kermit- Vomiting Kermit was a Kermit the Frog doll that was rolled out on a table spewing something that looked suspiciously like vomit. So, not just a clever name, but two thumbs up nonetheless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=biT1JGJTBAc

The Ass Stamp- A lot of Conan's greatest moments were the interactions between him and Max Weinberg, which unfortunately got lost in the shuffle when he transitioned to The Tonight Show. Some of the best of these were when he said something to trick Max, and a big "ASS" stamp splashed across Max's face. Maybe I'm a three-year-old, but I cracked up every time. ASS!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cjz30i-Ax2k

The "Walker, Texas Ranger" Lever- Everyone knows that Walker, Texas Ranger is a terrible show (except my mom, for some inexplicable reason), but Conan really embraced it. His desk at Late Night had a lever next to it that, when pulled, cut to a random clip from Walker that was so stupid and out of context that you couldn't help but love it. The best clip had Walker telling that kid from The Sixth Sense that he had AIDS. It's so wrong to laugh, but I couldn't help it.

http://www.noob.us/humor/conan-obrien-the-best-walker-texas-ranger-lever-moment/

William Shatner- William Shatner, who's pretty awesome anyway, made random appearances on both Conan's shows, but the most memorable was his dramatic reading of Levi Johnston's Twitter posts on The Tonight Show. Levi Johnston is such a tremendous loser, and Shatner's beatnik style sketch was great. The best part was his deadpan "LMAO" at the end. I think I may have had tears in my eyes.

http://warmingglow.uproxx.com/2009/11/shatner-reads-levi-johnstons-tweets

Triumph Goes to Quebec- Conan did his show in Toronto for a week, and there were a bunch of great jokes that went with it. The best one was when he sent Triumph to Quebec, and he made fun of the entire city. The greatest moment featured Triumph asking some guy if he was a separatist, and when he responded in the affirmative, Triumph suggested that he might want to separate himself from doughnuts. What made this bit even better was that French people actually got pissed that they were being made fun of by a PUPPET. I don't know where his writers come up with this shit.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xzzqz_triumph-the-insult-comic-dog-quebec_fun

The Writer's Strike Episodes- The 2007-2008 TV Season suffered pretty horribly due to the Writers' Guild of America strike. Most of the shows on the air cut their season short, aired repeats and pretty much sucked. Conan took full advantage of the fact that he had no writing staff and basically did whatever the hell he wanted until they came back. He grew a beard, rode a zipline and spun his ring on his desk. Maybe the funniest creation was his mock feud with Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, where each claimed that he was responsible for Mike Huckabee's popularity in his political campaign. It escalated on all three shows and finally culminated in a hilarious, staged brawl on Late Night. It was great.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVg1CW08oHA

Joel Godard- Joel Godard was the announcer on Late Night that they sometimes used in sketches as well. This dude was seriously disturbed- everything he made an appearance in had to do with gay Asian sex slaves, weird facial expressions, bondage and/or diapers or thongs. The funniest ones included also Max Weinberg and his perversions. The Tonight Show was definitely lacking when they lost him.



Norm MacDonald's Tonight Show Appearance- After it was announced that Conan would no longer host The Tonight Show, random celebrities would make appearances to bring Conan presents or just to express their appreciation and tell NBC to suck it. The greatest example was when Norm MacDonald showed up with a gift basket, belatedly congratulating Conan on his long future hosting The Tonight Show. He pulled out decades-old jokes and referred to Conan as "the new king of late night," and no one on set could keep a straight face. This man needs his own show.

All the videos for this have been pulled. What a shock!

The Bugatti Veyron Mouse- It's pretty obvious that NBC pulled the grandfather of fuck-ups- even CBS' late night programming makes fun of them. The last week of Conan's Tonight Show duties were probably the funniest moments of TV I've ever seen, where he told his audience that they were going to do things on the air that weren't so much funny as "crazy expensive." The one I liked the most was where he borrowed a Bugatti Veyron car and dressed it up like a mouse while he played a master recording of the "Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction." The car and the music were funny enough, but the fact that he put a mouse costume on it was totally ridiculous. The best part was that NBC was left scrambling to take it off of Youtube because they had to pay royalties to the Stones every time the song was played. Haha. Losers.



Conan's Final Tonight Show Appearance- Conan O'Brien has always been hysterical. I don't know how his mind became so warped, but I've definitely benefitted from it. Everyone is pissed at NBC for fucking him the way they did- I may even stop watching the channel altogether (Heroes sucks now, and I can DVR Chuck). In what was most likely a last ditch effort to redeem themselves, Conan was given free range to say whatever he wanted on his final Tonight Show appearance, and instead of telling NBC to shove it up their ass, he made a dignified farewell speech and handled the situation with class and grace. He thanked the network, he thanked his fans, and he even cried a little while he essentially told people not to blame NBC. Conan came out on top, and the network came out looking like even bigger jackasses than they already did. Nice going, douches.

http://livefeed.hollywoodreporter.com/2010/01/conan-final-tonight-monologue-.html

It was really hard to narrow it down- I'm sure I left out a few. These next seven months are going to be tough, but at least we have reruns, and each other. Go Team Conan!

DEAR GEORGE CLOONEY: PLEASE APPEAR IN EVERY MOVIE FROM NOW UNTIL 2040. THANK YOU.

I am a huge nerd. I came to terms with this a few years ago, and I'm actually OK with it. I bookmarked a bunch of sci-fi websites and I have a soft spot for foreign horror cinema. I analyze Lost like I'm being graded, and I will stick up for Heroes no matter how much it blows now (and yes, I admit that it does). One of my favorite TV shows of all time is Mystery Science Theater, and sadly, I can even do the Vulcan salute- but only on one hand, as if that makes me any less of a loser.

A few months ago I lost out on what could have been the future provider of my child support because we got into a heated argument about who is the greatest comic book villain of all time. I rightfully declared it to be Lex Luthor, and I forget what my future non-husband suggested because his opinion was different from mine and therefore irrelevant. I actually let this guy walk away as all my girlfriends stared at me in disbelief. I'm sorry, but while he was totally hot, he clearly had no classic comic book knowledge. He would bring nothing to the relationship, and yes, I realize that I am a total idiot and that I may as well adopt a bunch of cats right now.

Of course, in embracing my nerd-dom, you can imagine my geeker joy when I heard about Avatar. I'd been waiting for this movie for a year, and I managed to score a ticket to the IMAX 3-D show on opening weekend. No one would go with me because it was too expensive, but I didn't care- this was like Christmas morning for an adult, Jewish loser. I was totally prepared for my mind to be blown- I practically danced into the theater. I got there 45 minutes early and grabbed a seat in the middle- not too close, not too far in. Just right. How Goldilocks of me. The lights turned off and I settled in for what was sure to be the most exciting three hours of my life thus far. God, I'm sad.

Three hours later, that's not what I'd gotten. The animation, I'll admit, was sick- well worth the price of the 3-D ticket. The movie itself, however, kind of blew ass. The dialogue was laughably bad, the acting was meh (even Sigourney Weaver! She's Ripley, dammit!), and the plot didn't even try. The whole thing was like Disney Pocahontas meets Dances With Wolves. I wasn't the only one who thought so, either. All the reviews say pretty much the same thing- see it for the technology, but don't expect a particularly great movie. Of course, this didn't stop it from raking in a quadrillion billion dollars at the box office and getting nominated for, like, 700 awards.

Imagine their hilarious commentary.

This annoys me. It wasn't a good movie. The audience didn't like it, critics didn't like it, sci-fi nerds such as myself (the most important critics, imho) REALLY didn't like it, and it still got a nomination in the Best Picture and Best Director categories at the Golden Globes. Why? Just because it made money? Then why weren't there any nominations for Transformers 2? I appreciate the technological advances, but let the Oscars take care of that.

Hopefully Avatar's mentions were just an acknowledgement, and the winners will actually be deserving- maybe Up In The Air will take home everything. Myself and every woman I know would watch George Clooney if he starred in a snuff film, so his name in this movie alone is pretty much a surefire bet. It does help, however, that Up In The Air was universally lauded and is actually good. It deserves its recognition- unlike Avatar, which pissed me off and seems to have just been riding on its billions of dollars. Maybe if George Clooney had been in it, it would have been better.

I already saw this movie like, 15 years ago. It was called Ferngully.

Anyway, the Golden Globes are on tonight and it'll be interesting to see how they play out. I usually don't watch awards shows, because I don't give a shit, but I will this year because I want to see George Clooney and Bradley Cooper on the red carpet (how great would it be if The Hangover won for Best Comedy?). I'm also DVR'ing Human Target, because everything I love isn't already enough of a hot guy repellent.

"SOCIAL" NETWORKING, MY ASS

My birthday was yesterday, and I turned 87. No, not really, but it feels that way sometimes. I actually managed to spend said birthday the way I wanted to spend it- watching the SVU marathon and having a nice, quiet dinner with my family before falling asleep to Craig Ferguson (that dude is hilariously fucked up).

Before I went to bed I checked my email, which gave me about 20 updates from Facebook informing me that a bunch of my "friends" had left me birthday messages on my Wall (in caps, because apparently Facebook apps deserve the caps lock button). I had actually gotten pissed off at some of these people because they have my phone number, and could have called me or at least have shot me a text, and I thought they had forgotten what day it was. I mean, I'm not a big fan of celebrating getting older every year, but still. Basically what my "friends" were telling me was that it was more convenient for them to turn on their computer, wait for it to boot up, sit around while Facebook loads, sign in, go to their Friends list, scroll down to my name and type in a generic, unoriginal "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!" message then it would be for them to just find me in their phone and write me a text (and even that's kind of impersonal, but yesterday was a Tuesday, so I'll give my friends the benefit of the doubt and assume they were at work). The only time I've "Walled" someone a Happy Birthday is when I didn't have their number saved (damn Blackberries. I curse the day I got my Curve).

Perhaps what was really insulting were the people on my Friends list who signed onto Facebook yesterday, saw that it was my birthday and decided not to say anything. What fucking assholes. What went through their minds- "nah, she's not worth it. I think I'll post some retarded song lyrics that showcase just how depressed my fucked-up life makes me feel because I can't afford new headgear for my cat."

I hate Facebook. The only reason I have it is because I actually have friends that I would lose touch with if I didn't, because they seem to have forgotten how to use a phone. The fact that using Facebook is considered "social networking" is ridiculous. There is nothing social about it. Writing on someone's Wall has now become a substitute for any and all human interaction. I even tried deleting my account once, but I actually did lose touch with pretty much everyone except my family, through no fault of my own, so I was forced to put it back up. Isn't that sad?



Facebook is good for one thing, though- it shows you how fake people really are. It's helped me realize that as a collective race, I really can't stand human beings. A bunch of times, I've met someone at a party and then five minutes later I've gotten a friend request from them- and we barely spoke! I'll accept them, and then I'll post something suggesting we should hang out, and then- SURPRISE!- I'll get ignored every time (I just went through my list and deleted like, six of these people). I rarely send out friend requests- I think I've done it maybe twice, and they were both to someone I already knew.

The worst offenders are the ones who have like, 4,000 friends- no one on the planet has 4,000 friends. Just because we made eye contact in the supermarket doesn't mean I want you to see photos of my drunken weekend in Vegas. We don't know each other; don't "request" me. There is not one person on my Friends list that I don't actually really know or haven't hung out with.

Anyway, out of everyone who sent me "birthday wishes" yesterday, I can count on one hand the number of people who actually asked me to hang out with them. A few who actually live near me made other plans, doing stuff that I would have actually enjoyed, and "forgot" to invite me. So to them, and to Facebook, I say, Fuck You. Learn to be a friend. Stop being such a selfish asshole. Say what you mean. If you want someone to have a "happy birthday," make it happen. And cross me off your Friends list, because you obviously don't consider me one.

THE SEVENTH CIRCLE: MOST ANNOYING CELEBRITIES, PART 4

I know you've all been waiting in anticipatory glee for my final five, so here they are, before the New Year. Try not to die of shock that I actually made a deadline.

Trying to decide between #1 and #2 was pretty tough. I almost declared it a tie, but I hate cop-outs, so finally I just ranked them, and you can judge for yourselves.

#5- TYRA BANKS

Tyra Banks needs to shut the fuck up and realize that no one cares about her except for her family (probably). I refuse to watch her show, but I've seen enough clips of her interrupting her guests to talk about herself to know that she's seriously nauseating. Her worst offense was when she put on a fat suit for thirty seconds and told obese women that she "felt their pain," then started referring to herself as fat when she gained four pounds. Her newest violation is believing that she's actually relevant- now that Oprah is going off the air, Tyra copied her by doing the same thing. Don't cry though, we still have America's Next Top Model, which will never, EVER (EVER!) die.



#4- DR. PHIL

Words cannot express how much I hate this man. He's a conceited, pompous, self-important jackass who needs to be stabbed in the face. He expects us to follow his advice on marriage and health when his own marriage sucks and he's a fatass, and he tried to pull an "intervention" on Britney Spears that was followed by cameras. He's a publicity whore that needs to have his license yanked. Any doctor that goes by their first name isn't a real doctor, anyway. Where does he practice, the strip mall in Parsippany?

I can't even look at him.

#3- PARIS HILTON

I don't even think I need to explain this one. Paris Hilton has been tormenting the general public since 2003, when her sex tape was "accidentally" leaked right before her dumbass reality show premiered ("accidentally," my ass). Ever since then, she won't go away- perfume, movies, books, even- dear God, no!- CD's. She's photographed with a new "boyfriend" every week and a half. She's a total idiot and always talks in that stupid baby voice whenever she's in public, which seems like it's all the time- she's like the Jillian character on Family Guy. I'd like to watch her do math for about an hour- it would be hilarious. I actually heard that she's been cut out of the will, but even that hasn't been enough to get her to stop being such a fuck-up.



#2- MILEY CYRUS

I can't stand anything about Miley Cyrus. Not only is her own music deplorably awful, but she's supposedly planning to desecrate the Poison classic "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." She's even been photographed wearing an MC5 t-shirt- yeah, like she really knows who they are. She's so desperate to get out of her Disney contract that she's turned into a raging whore that pole-dances in front of eight-year-olds, dates adult underwear models and gets boob tattoos. What's worse, her family is a bunch of backwater hillbillies who are completely supportive of her being an underage, wanton slut- it's like that gross, creepy-as-shit X-Files episode "Home." Her little sister is nine and already imitating her, which scares the hell out of me, mostly because it means that even after Miley, there's more to come. However, it does say a lot about her that she's only been in the public eye for the latter part of the decade and she's already gracing my Top 2. So congratulations, I guess.

Should I make a "ho-down" joke or is that too easy?

#1- HEIDI AND SPENCER PRATT

Not only are Heidi and Spencer repulsive by themselves, but they made the number one spot because there are two of them. There are so many adjectives to describe their disgustingness that I don't even know which ones to choose. Heidi is a total idiot and a stuck-up, spoiled brat who was stupid enough to marry Spencer, who is quite possibly the most arrogant dumbass I've ever come across in my life. They both think that they can succeed in the music business, Heidi as a "singer" and Spencer as a "rapper." They apparently turned down a White House invitation because it wasn't "A-List" enough- what else are you waiting for, a chariot pulled by doves? In every photo taken of them their mouths are open- except for one blessed Godsend where they're wearing masks. Whenever they do "charity" work there are always miraculously cameras present. I could go on and on, but really, it's almost dinnertime and I don't want to lose my appetite. I wish someone would kill them- in fact, I nominate myself.

This is how everyone likes them best. Or at all.

So there we have it- my list of Most Annoying Celebrities of the 2000's. Feel free to post your own opinions- although I don't see how anyone could disagree with me, but whatever. Happy New Year, everyone- see you in 2010!

I SMELL BRIMSTONE: MOST ANNOYING CELEBRITIES, PART 3

The first part of the top 10 was pretty difficult to rank because I hate all these people pretty much equally. I think I got a pretty accurate list, though.

#10- MICHAEL BAY

Michael Bay didn't annoy me too much when he was just making stupid blockbusters with zero plot, inane dialogue and bad acting. I'll even admit to enjoying the first Transformers because I just wanted to see shit get blown up, and that's what I got. However, someone (who's getting a throat punch when I find out who they are) got it into Michael Bay's head that it was acceptable for him to start remaking (a.k.a fucking up) classic slasher flicks. Friday the 13th? Nightmare on Elm Street? TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE? Thank GOD someone nixed his CGI remakes of The Birds and Rosemary's Baby. I may have cried.



#9- ANGELINA JOLIE

She always annoyed me. I know she won an Oscar, but I never thought she could act all that well. First she kind of scared me when she used to go around wearing blood and playing with knives, and making out with her brother (EW). Then all of a sudden she did this total 180 and started collecting kids like some people collect stamps, and doing all this crap with the UN. She's just totally fake, and it bugs the shit out of me. Everyone seems to have completely forgotten that she stole Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston while they were still married. And speaking of Brad Pitt, I also hate Angelina Jolie because she is single-handedly responsible for aging him twenty years in six months with their eleven kids. It's like Benjamin Button really happened, but backward!

You're not fooling anyone.

#8- DONALD TRUMP

Enough with this guy. He's such an arrogant prick that I can't even tell where his ass ends and his head begins. He constantly flaunts all his money, but I actually don't think he realizes that that's the only thing he has going for him. His hair is totally ridiculous- I've seen better combovers on a Ken doll. I'm surprised his daughter turned out the way she did- she's actually really smart and good-looking, which is a miracle in itself. She must not have listened to him at all when she was growing up.

Oh my God, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

#7- ASHTON KUTCHER

Ashton Kutcher was actually pretty funny on That 70's Show, but then he decided he wanted his own career, and that's when he started annoying me. First he had that obnoxious MTV show where he screamed all the time and played jokes on celebrities that actually weren't that funny. Then he ushered in that asinine trucker hat trend- that wasn't even attractive on truckers. He made shitty movie after shitty movie and if that weren't bad enough, once Twitter came out, he started drilling his daily activities into our brains, one 140-character update at a time. Ugh, LEAVE. Disappear into space. Retire to a private island or something. Just GO.



#6- BEYONCE

Destiny's Child sucked, but at least I could deal with them when they were just making videos on MTV, when MTV was still relevant. Then they broke up, and Beyonce emerged from the fire and ashes to torment me all on her own. Her music is horrible- pick any one of her singles; I guarantee that I can't stand it. The worst part about her is that she thinks she's really important- if there's a red carpet event, she's there, even if she has nothing to do with whatever the event is for. I'm serious; she would go to the opening of a window. The worst offense is when she sang Etta James' "At Last" at Obama's Inauguration. Couldn't they have gotten someone more appropriate like, I don't know, ETTA JAMES? Just a thought. Beyonce- we get it! You're alive! WE SEE YOU! I wish she'd go away just for like, a year. Just give the world a recovery period, and then hopefully we'll forget all about her.

"A door is opening? I'll be right there!"

My list is almost done, so come back in a few days for the top 5. I know, you're THAT excited.