Now that Valentine's Day is over, I'd like to congratulate everyone for living through it without blowing through everything in their wallet. I spent my day watching the winter Olympics and eating Chinese. My mom got me a card and a few of my friends sent me V-Day texts (one of my more hysterical friends sent me a "Happy VD!" Awesome). It actually wasn't so bad.
You know that friend I mentioned that subscribes to all those wedding magazines like they're the fucking DaVinci code of monthly publications or something? In honor of the holiday, she sent out one of those "Perfect Guy" bullshit chain letters, and I could not believe the shit that she put on there. No guy in his right mind would ever do any of this crap, and if he would, he's your gay friend (or really, REALLY desperate). So I decided to copy her list here and add my own commentary, because everyone thinks I am hilarious.
PS- When it comes to this girl, I use the word "friend" loosely.
1) TRY TO SECRETLY SMELL YOUR HAIR, BUT YOU ALWAYS NOTICE
Why the fuck would a guy want to sniff my hair? Please- I know what you're really after. You're only trying to get close to me so you can stick your hands in my underwear.
2) GIVE YOU THE REMOTE CONTROL DURING THE GAME
First of all, this assumes that girls don't like sports. I love watching "The Game." Second of all, no girl on her medication is dumb enough to change the channel when her boyfriend's favorite team is winning. And if she does, he SHOULD give her the remote- by burying her with it.
3) COME UP BEHIND YOU AND PUT HIS ARMS AROUND YOU
This would scare me. When you enter a room, announce your presence- loudly, so I don't think you're a serial killer and knee you in the nuts.
4) PLAY WITH YOUR HAIR
Again with the hair? OK, how's this for a trade-off- you touch my hair, I fling a ponytail holder into your eye.
FYI- if you've been reading my blog, you know how much I hate when guys play with my hair.
5) HIS HAND ALWAYS FINDS YOURS
Hand-holding is for seventh graders. I'm always down for a good drunken lap dance instead.
6) SLOW-DANCE WITH YOU
Oh, please. Any girl that forces a guy to slow-dance should have her face caught in a bear trap. "Nobody puts Baby in a corner"...with a firing squad.
7) REACT SO CUTELY WHEN YOU HIT HIM AND IT ACTUALLY HURTS
How come when a girl hits a guy, he should "react cutely," but when a guy hits a girl, she should call the cops and move in with her sister? Talk about a double standard. Violence is never the answer, unless you're watching Shoot 'Em Up (YES to Clive Owen).
8) DRIVE 5 HOURS JUST TO SEE YOU FOR 1
Now that's just stupid.
9) BE CUTE WHEN HE REALLY WANTS SOMETHING
See, this is where the late, great art of "communication" comes in (thanks again, Facebook!). If I want something...well, I pretty much just take it. But everyone else should just ask. This is how fights are avoided. No one can read minds, especially not those retards on the Psychic Network.
10) STARE AT YOU
What the fuck? How creepy is that? Psychiatrists have a word for that: SOCIOPATH. And while I have dated some scary losers, none of them have belonged in the mental ward- at least not officially.
So there you go. If you're a guy, you're probably rocking back and forth and shuddering uncontrollably. And if you're a girl, you're probably just thinking about how warped this chick's brain is. BTW, you can probably see this list on other sites because she sent it to like 100 other people. I'm serious.
Sometimes I'm really glad I'm single.