NBC = NOTHING BUT CLOWNS

This morning I woke up to an empty DVR, and it finally hit me that there was no more Conan O'Brien. If you count The Simpsons (which you should), I've been watching him on TV for over 15 years, and I'm actually pretty sad about what went on with this whole Late Night shitshow.

Let me break it down for those of you who are blind, deaf, Amish, too broke to pay their electric bill or all of the above:

Conan had been with NBC for around 20 years, writing for SNL and then hosting Late Night. Leno hosted The Tonight Show beginning in 1992. Jay Leno seceded to Conan in 2009, and Late Night was passed down to Jimmy Fallon (who sucks, BTW). When Conan took over, NBC gave Leno his own 10pm talk show, which forced them to move around time slots for some shows and cancel others. Everyone soon figured out that Jay Leno is miserably unfunny and his ratings, along with Conan's and everything else on NBC, took a serious nosedive.

NBC tried to rectify this by fucking shit up even more. They decided to move Leno back to 11:35 and give him a half-hour show, and move Conan's Tonight Show to 12:05. Conan refused, which gave him no other option other than to leave the network. They finally came to a settlement in which they paid Conan off and told him not to return to TV for seven months, and gave Leno back his old show. Entertainment Weekly referred to the move as the "Biggest TV Bomb Ever," and everyone in Hollywood made fun of the network in award show acceptance speeches, late night monologues, gossip columns, etc.



Maybe the worst part of all this is that the contract also states that NBC gets to keep all of Conan's characters. This includes Triumph, Masturbating Bear, Vomiting Kermit, etc- what the fuck is Leno going to do with all of those? I can't believe I'm saying this, but I hope we never see them again.

Everyone I know is definitely on Team Coco. Jay Leno came out looking like a manipulative a-hole, and the network execs are most definitely the biggest jackasses to ever work in any form of media. So, to honor Conan O'Brien and the funniest TV hours of my young adult life, I've compiled a list of his Top 20 Greatest Moments, in no particular order. Observe:

The Simpsons: "I Love Lisa"- Technically Conan was really behind the scenes of this episode because he was a producer, but it's my blog and what I say goes. This is one of my top 10 Simpsons episodes- it's the one where Lisa gives a valentine to Ralph because she feels sorry for him, and he falls in love with her and takes her to the Krusty the Klown show. There are like 50 classic lines, including the one that Ralph reads from the card itself: "You choo-choo-choose me! And there's a picture of a train." That's fucking hysterical- I actually bought a t-shirt that says that. I can't even write all the funny moments here because it takes up too much space, but you can probably catch it on TV this Valentine's Day because FOX re-airs it every year.

http://www.wtso.net/movie/182-The_Simpsons_415_I_Love_Lisa.html

The Simpsons: "Bart Gets Famous"- This is the "I Didn't Do It Boy" episode of The Simpsons, back when the show was still funny. Conan makes a brief, animated appearance as himself, when Bart appears on Late Night and realizes that his 15 minutes is up. It's classic.

http://www.wtso.net/movie/252-The_Simpsons_512_Bart_Gets_Famous.html

Conan Talks Joe Buck Into Saying "Jub-Jub"on the Air- One of my favorite Late Night interviews was with sportscaster Joe Buck in 2007- it combined baseball with a great Simpsons episode. Conan is from Massachusetts and a self-proclaimed Red Sox fan, and this was the year of the Sox-Rockies World Series. Joe Buck was going to call the Series, and Conan told him that he would donate $1,000 to Buck's favorite charity if he would find a way to throw in the name "Jub-Jub" on the air during one of the telecasts (Simpsons fans will recall that "Jub-Jub" is the pet iguana of Marge's sisters and a creation of Conan himself). Hilariously, in the bottom of the third inning of Game One, Buck called Chris Meyers "our own little Jub-Jub." It was priceless.

http://ballhype.com/video/joe_buck_jub_jub_for_conan/

Masturbating Bear- Out of all Conan's characters, I think I might miss Masturbating Bear the most after Triumph. He was a dude in a terrible bear costume wearing something that resembled a gigantic penis. He would come out in random intervals and basically jiggle the penis around like he was a bear who masturbated. It made no sense, but it was about half a minute of me laughing my ass off.



Triumph Goes To A Star Wars Premiere- The greatest of all Conan's characters was hands-down Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Triumph was the creation of comic mastermind Robert Smigel (who also does TV Funhouse on Saturday Night Live), a bad dog puppet with a cigar that kept falling out of its mouth. Triumph came on the show occasionally to be a "correspondent" at different events such as dog shows, telethons, a Bon Jovi concert and, my personal favorite, a Star Wars premiere. He was hysterical and insulted everyone. The best line was when he asked a pregnant fan when her due date was, and told her that that was the last time her baby would ever see female genitalia. I died. Seriously, everyone go out and buy his DVD. I got it for my dad and he watched it 10 times in a week.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x115u4_triumph-the-insult-comic-dog-star-w_fun

Apple Picking with Mr. T- Mr. T used to make occasional appearances on Conan's show where he would just show up and be awesome. The best one was where they randomly went apple picking. Mr. T basically just yelled at the apples, and then squashed a bee. It was great. Mr. T rules.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHtf0fpgcbk

Conan Sells The Tonight Show on Craigslist- When Conan's negotiations with The Tonight Show were were still ongoing, he posted an actual ad to sell The Tonight Show on Craiglist and read some of the responses on the air. Some girl offered her cat, someone else wanted to trade for his guitar, and- my favorite- one guy had an autographed photo of Kato Kaelin. The ad is gone now, but I checked Craigslist the day after this aired and it was actually there. Stuff like that is why I will always love Conan.



"If They Mated"- If They Mated was a hilarious sketch on Late Night where Conan would take two celebrities and find out what would happen if their genetics mashed and they made a kid. Unfortunately for them, it was always really literal, and the results were fucking hilarious. He even made a book about it, and it was just as funny on paper.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sh7QBpQaGTc

Buy The Book

"Celebrity Survey"- Celebrity Survey, another skit on Late Night, was a bunch of questionnaires that Conan "mailed" to different famous people that supposedly answered them. It would have life questions with two random celebrities' "serious" answers and one ridiculous one. One of my recent favorites:

"My favorite website for shopping is: Julianne Moore wrote, 'Bluefly.' Brian Williams wrote, 'Brookstone.' Madonna wrote, 'Afrobaby Direct.'"

Amazing.

http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/conans-celebrity-survey/6r8zn9c

"In The Year 2000"- Sometimes when Conan had a guest on that was a semi-regular he would do a skit called "In the Year 2000," where he would make predictions about what would happen in the future. He would usually have the guest help him out, and when he hosted The Tonight Show, Andy Richter did it with him. The best part was that once 2000 rolled around, he didn't change the name, so it was even greater. Once he moved to The Tonight Show, he switched it to In The Year 3000, which kind of ruined it a little bit, but it was still funny. PS- there's a book for this one, too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJXn13-bTlU

Buy The Book

Vomiting Kermit- Vomiting Kermit was a Kermit the Frog doll that was rolled out on a table spewing something that looked suspiciously like vomit. So, not just a clever name, but two thumbs up nonetheless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=biT1JGJTBAc

The Ass Stamp- A lot of Conan's greatest moments were the interactions between him and Max Weinberg, which unfortunately got lost in the shuffle when he transitioned to The Tonight Show. Some of the best of these were when he said something to trick Max, and a big "ASS" stamp splashed across Max's face. Maybe I'm a three-year-old, but I cracked up every time. ASS!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cjz30i-Ax2k

The "Walker, Texas Ranger" Lever- Everyone knows that Walker, Texas Ranger is a terrible show (except my mom, for some inexplicable reason), but Conan really embraced it. His desk at Late Night had a lever next to it that, when pulled, cut to a random clip from Walker that was so stupid and out of context that you couldn't help but love it. The best clip had Walker telling that kid from The Sixth Sense that he had AIDS. It's so wrong to laugh, but I couldn't help it.

http://www.noob.us/humor/conan-obrien-the-best-walker-texas-ranger-lever-moment/

William Shatner- William Shatner, who's pretty awesome anyway, made random appearances on both Conan's shows, but the most memorable was his dramatic reading of Levi Johnston's Twitter posts on The Tonight Show. Levi Johnston is such a tremendous loser, and Shatner's beatnik style sketch was great. The best part was his deadpan "LMAO" at the end. I think I may have had tears in my eyes.

http://warmingglow.uproxx.com/2009/11/shatner-reads-levi-johnstons-tweets

Triumph Goes to Quebec- Conan did his show in Toronto for a week, and there were a bunch of great jokes that went with it. The best one was when he sent Triumph to Quebec, and he made fun of the entire city. The greatest moment featured Triumph asking some guy if he was a separatist, and when he responded in the affirmative, Triumph suggested that he might want to separate himself from doughnuts. What made this bit even better was that French people actually got pissed that they were being made fun of by a PUPPET. I don't know where his writers come up with this shit.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xzzqz_triumph-the-insult-comic-dog-quebec_fun

The Writer's Strike Episodes- The 2007-2008 TV Season suffered pretty horribly due to the Writers' Guild of America strike. Most of the shows on the air cut their season short, aired repeats and pretty much sucked. Conan took full advantage of the fact that he had no writing staff and basically did whatever the hell he wanted until they came back. He grew a beard, rode a zipline and spun his ring on his desk. Maybe the funniest creation was his mock feud with Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, where each claimed that he was responsible for Mike Huckabee's popularity in his political campaign. It escalated on all three shows and finally culminated in a hilarious, staged brawl on Late Night. It was great.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVg1CW08oHA

Joel Godard- Joel Godard was the announcer on Late Night that they sometimes used in sketches as well. This dude was seriously disturbed- everything he made an appearance in had to do with gay Asian sex slaves, weird facial expressions, bondage and/or diapers or thongs. The funniest ones included also Max Weinberg and his perversions. The Tonight Show was definitely lacking when they lost him.



Norm MacDonald's Tonight Show Appearance- After it was announced that Conan would no longer host The Tonight Show, random celebrities would make appearances to bring Conan presents or just to express their appreciation and tell NBC to suck it. The greatest example was when Norm MacDonald showed up with a gift basket, belatedly congratulating Conan on his long future hosting The Tonight Show. He pulled out decades-old jokes and referred to Conan as "the new king of late night," and no one on set could keep a straight face. This man needs his own show.

All the videos for this have been pulled. What a shock!

The Bugatti Veyron Mouse- It's pretty obvious that NBC pulled the grandfather of fuck-ups- even CBS' late night programming makes fun of them. The last week of Conan's Tonight Show duties were probably the funniest moments of TV I've ever seen, where he told his audience that they were going to do things on the air that weren't so much funny as "crazy expensive." The one I liked the most was where he borrowed a Bugatti Veyron car and dressed it up like a mouse while he played a master recording of the "Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction." The car and the music were funny enough, but the fact that he put a mouse costume on it was totally ridiculous. The best part was that NBC was left scrambling to take it off of Youtube because they had to pay royalties to the Stones every time the song was played. Haha. Losers.



Conan's Final Tonight Show Appearance- Conan O'Brien has always been hysterical. I don't know how his mind became so warped, but I've definitely benefitted from it. Everyone is pissed at NBC for fucking him the way they did- I may even stop watching the channel altogether (Heroes sucks now, and I can DVR Chuck). In what was most likely a last ditch effort to redeem themselves, Conan was given free range to say whatever he wanted on his final Tonight Show appearance, and instead of telling NBC to shove it up their ass, he made a dignified farewell speech and handled the situation with class and grace. He thanked the network, he thanked his fans, and he even cried a little while he essentially told people not to blame NBC. Conan came out on top, and the network came out looking like even bigger jackasses than they already did. Nice going, douches.

http://livefeed.hollywoodreporter.com/2010/01/conan-final-tonight-monologue-.html

It was really hard to narrow it down- I'm sure I left out a few. These next seven months are going to be tough, but at least we have reruns, and each other. Go Team Conan!

DEAR GEORGE CLOONEY: PLEASE APPEAR IN EVERY MOVIE FROM NOW UNTIL 2040. THANK YOU.

I am a huge nerd. I came to terms with this a few years ago, and I'm actually OK with it. I bookmarked a bunch of sci-fi websites and I have a soft spot for foreign horror cinema. I analyze Lost like I'm being graded, and I will stick up for Heroes no matter how much it blows now (and yes, I admit that it does). One of my favorite TV shows of all time is Mystery Science Theater, and sadly, I can even do the Vulcan salute- but only on one hand, as if that makes me any less of a loser.

A few months ago I lost out on what could have been the future provider of my child support because we got into a heated argument about who is the greatest comic book villain of all time. I rightfully declared it to be Lex Luthor, and I forget what my future non-husband suggested because his opinion was different from mine and therefore irrelevant. I actually let this guy walk away as all my girlfriends stared at me in disbelief. I'm sorry, but while he was totally hot, he clearly had no classic comic book knowledge. He would bring nothing to the relationship, and yes, I realize that I am a total idiot and that I may as well adopt a bunch of cats right now.

Of course, in embracing my nerd-dom, you can imagine my geeker joy when I heard about Avatar. I'd been waiting for this movie for a year, and I managed to score a ticket to the IMAX 3-D show on opening weekend. No one would go with me because it was too expensive, but I didn't care- this was like Christmas morning for an adult, Jewish loser. I was totally prepared for my mind to be blown- I practically danced into the theater. I got there 45 minutes early and grabbed a seat in the middle- not too close, not too far in. Just right. How Goldilocks of me. The lights turned off and I settled in for what was sure to be the most exciting three hours of my life thus far. God, I'm sad.

Three hours later, that's not what I'd gotten. The animation, I'll admit, was sick- well worth the price of the 3-D ticket. The movie itself, however, kind of blew ass. The dialogue was laughably bad, the acting was meh (even Sigourney Weaver! She's Ripley, dammit!), and the plot didn't even try. The whole thing was like Disney Pocahontas meets Dances With Wolves. I wasn't the only one who thought so, either. All the reviews say pretty much the same thing- see it for the technology, but don't expect a particularly great movie. Of course, this didn't stop it from raking in a quadrillion billion dollars at the box office and getting nominated for, like, 700 awards.

Imagine their hilarious commentary.

This annoys me. It wasn't a good movie. The audience didn't like it, critics didn't like it, sci-fi nerds such as myself (the most important critics, imho) REALLY didn't like it, and it still got a nomination in the Best Picture and Best Director categories at the Golden Globes. Why? Just because it made money? Then why weren't there any nominations for Transformers 2? I appreciate the technological advances, but let the Oscars take care of that.

Hopefully Avatar's mentions were just an acknowledgement, and the winners will actually be deserving- maybe Up In The Air will take home everything. Myself and every woman I know would watch George Clooney if he starred in a snuff film, so his name in this movie alone is pretty much a surefire bet. It does help, however, that Up In The Air was universally lauded and is actually good. It deserves its recognition- unlike Avatar, which pissed me off and seems to have just been riding on its billions of dollars. Maybe if George Clooney had been in it, it would have been better.

I already saw this movie like, 15 years ago. It was called Ferngully.

Anyway, the Golden Globes are on tonight and it'll be interesting to see how they play out. I usually don't watch awards shows, because I don't give a shit, but I will this year because I want to see George Clooney and Bradley Cooper on the red carpet (how great would it be if The Hangover won for Best Comedy?). I'm also DVR'ing Human Target, because everything I love isn't already enough of a hot guy repellent.

"SOCIAL" NETWORKING, MY ASS

My birthday was yesterday, and I turned 87. No, not really, but it feels that way sometimes. I actually managed to spend said birthday the way I wanted to spend it- watching the SVU marathon and having a nice, quiet dinner with my family before falling asleep to Craig Ferguson (that dude is hilariously fucked up).

Before I went to bed I checked my email, which gave me about 20 updates from Facebook informing me that a bunch of my "friends" had left me birthday messages on my Wall (in caps, because apparently Facebook apps deserve the caps lock button). I had actually gotten pissed off at some of these people because they have my phone number, and could have called me or at least have shot me a text, and I thought they had forgotten what day it was. I mean, I'm not a big fan of celebrating getting older every year, but still. Basically what my "friends" were telling me was that it was more convenient for them to turn on their computer, wait for it to boot up, sit around while Facebook loads, sign in, go to their Friends list, scroll down to my name and type in a generic, unoriginal "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!" message then it would be for them to just find me in their phone and write me a text (and even that's kind of impersonal, but yesterday was a Tuesday, so I'll give my friends the benefit of the doubt and assume they were at work). The only time I've "Walled" someone a Happy Birthday is when I didn't have their number saved (damn Blackberries. I curse the day I got my Curve).

Perhaps what was really insulting were the people on my Friends list who signed onto Facebook yesterday, saw that it was my birthday and decided not to say anything. What fucking assholes. What went through their minds- "nah, she's not worth it. I think I'll post some retarded song lyrics that showcase just how depressed my fucked-up life makes me feel because I can't afford new headgear for my cat."

I hate Facebook. The only reason I have it is because I actually have friends that I would lose touch with if I didn't, because they seem to have forgotten how to use a phone. The fact that using Facebook is considered "social networking" is ridiculous. There is nothing social about it. Writing on someone's Wall has now become a substitute for any and all human interaction. I even tried deleting my account once, but I actually did lose touch with pretty much everyone except my family, through no fault of my own, so I was forced to put it back up. Isn't that sad?



Facebook is good for one thing, though- it shows you how fake people really are. It's helped me realize that as a collective race, I really can't stand human beings. A bunch of times, I've met someone at a party and then five minutes later I've gotten a friend request from them- and we barely spoke! I'll accept them, and then I'll post something suggesting we should hang out, and then- SURPRISE!- I'll get ignored every time (I just went through my list and deleted like, six of these people). I rarely send out friend requests- I think I've done it maybe twice, and they were both to someone I already knew.

The worst offenders are the ones who have like, 4,000 friends- no one on the planet has 4,000 friends. Just because we made eye contact in the supermarket doesn't mean I want you to see photos of my drunken weekend in Vegas. We don't know each other; don't "request" me. There is not one person on my Friends list that I don't actually really know or haven't hung out with.

Anyway, out of everyone who sent me "birthday wishes" yesterday, I can count on one hand the number of people who actually asked me to hang out with them. A few who actually live near me made other plans, doing stuff that I would have actually enjoyed, and "forgot" to invite me. So to them, and to Facebook, I say, Fuck You. Learn to be a friend. Stop being such a selfish asshole. Say what you mean. If you want someone to have a "happy birthday," make it happen. And cross me off your Friends list, because you obviously don't consider me one.

THE SEVENTH CIRCLE: MOST ANNOYING CELEBRITIES, PART 4

I know you've all been waiting in anticipatory glee for my final five, so here they are, before the New Year. Try not to die of shock that I actually made a deadline.

Trying to decide between #1 and #2 was pretty tough. I almost declared it a tie, but I hate cop-outs, so finally I just ranked them, and you can judge for yourselves.

#5- TYRA BANKS

Tyra Banks needs to shut the fuck up and realize that no one cares about her except for her family (probably). I refuse to watch her show, but I've seen enough clips of her interrupting her guests to talk about herself to know that she's seriously nauseating. Her worst offense was when she put on a fat suit for thirty seconds and told obese women that she "felt their pain," then started referring to herself as fat when she gained four pounds. Her newest violation is believing that she's actually relevant- now that Oprah is going off the air, Tyra copied her by doing the same thing. Don't cry though, we still have America's Next Top Model, which will never, EVER (EVER!) die.



#4- DR. PHIL

Words cannot express how much I hate this man. He's a conceited, pompous, self-important jackass who needs to be stabbed in the face. He expects us to follow his advice on marriage and health when his own marriage sucks and he's a fatass, and he tried to pull an "intervention" on Britney Spears that was followed by cameras. He's a publicity whore that needs to have his license yanked. Any doctor that goes by their first name isn't a real doctor, anyway. Where does he practice, the strip mall in Parsippany?

I can't even look at him.

#3- PARIS HILTON

I don't even think I need to explain this one. Paris Hilton has been tormenting the general public since 2003, when her sex tape was "accidentally" leaked right before her dumbass reality show premiered ("accidentally," my ass). Ever since then, she won't go away- perfume, movies, books, even- dear God, no!- CD's. She's photographed with a new "boyfriend" every week and a half. She's a total idiot and always talks in that stupid baby voice whenever she's in public, which seems like it's all the time- she's like the Jillian character on Family Guy. I'd like to watch her do math for about an hour- it would be hilarious. I actually heard that she's been cut out of the will, but even that hasn't been enough to get her to stop being such a fuck-up.



#2- MILEY CYRUS

I can't stand anything about Miley Cyrus. Not only is her own music deplorably awful, but she's supposedly planning to desecrate the Poison classic "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." She's even been photographed wearing an MC5 t-shirt- yeah, like she really knows who they are. She's so desperate to get out of her Disney contract that she's turned into a raging whore that pole-dances in front of eight-year-olds, dates adult underwear models and gets boob tattoos. What's worse, her family is a bunch of backwater hillbillies who are completely supportive of her being an underage, wanton slut- it's like that gross, creepy-as-shit X-Files episode "Home." Her little sister is nine and already imitating her, which scares the hell out of me, mostly because it means that even after Miley, there's more to come. However, it does say a lot about her that she's only been in the public eye for the latter part of the decade and she's already gracing my Top 2. So congratulations, I guess.

Should I make a "ho-down" joke or is that too easy?

#1- HEIDI AND SPENCER PRATT

Not only are Heidi and Spencer repulsive by themselves, but they made the number one spot because there are two of them. There are so many adjectives to describe their disgustingness that I don't even know which ones to choose. Heidi is a total idiot and a stuck-up, spoiled brat who was stupid enough to marry Spencer, who is quite possibly the most arrogant dumbass I've ever come across in my life. They both think that they can succeed in the music business, Heidi as a "singer" and Spencer as a "rapper." They apparently turned down a White House invitation because it wasn't "A-List" enough- what else are you waiting for, a chariot pulled by doves? In every photo taken of them their mouths are open- except for one blessed Godsend where they're wearing masks. Whenever they do "charity" work there are always miraculously cameras present. I could go on and on, but really, it's almost dinnertime and I don't want to lose my appetite. I wish someone would kill them- in fact, I nominate myself.

This is how everyone likes them best. Or at all.

So there we have it- my list of Most Annoying Celebrities of the 2000's. Feel free to post your own opinions- although I don't see how anyone could disagree with me, but whatever. Happy New Year, everyone- see you in 2010!

I SMELL BRIMSTONE: MOST ANNOYING CELEBRITIES, PART 3

The first part of the top 10 was pretty difficult to rank because I hate all these people pretty much equally. I think I got a pretty accurate list, though.

#10- MICHAEL BAY

Michael Bay didn't annoy me too much when he was just making stupid blockbusters with zero plot, inane dialogue and bad acting. I'll even admit to enjoying the first Transformers because I just wanted to see shit get blown up, and that's what I got. However, someone (who's getting a throat punch when I find out who they are) got it into Michael Bay's head that it was acceptable for him to start remaking (a.k.a fucking up) classic slasher flicks. Friday the 13th? Nightmare on Elm Street? TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE? Thank GOD someone nixed his CGI remakes of The Birds and Rosemary's Baby. I may have cried.



#9- ANGELINA JOLIE

She always annoyed me. I know she won an Oscar, but I never thought she could act all that well. First she kind of scared me when she used to go around wearing blood and playing with knives, and making out with her brother (EW). Then all of a sudden she did this total 180 and started collecting kids like some people collect stamps, and doing all this crap with the UN. She's just totally fake, and it bugs the shit out of me. Everyone seems to have completely forgotten that she stole Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston while they were still married. And speaking of Brad Pitt, I also hate Angelina Jolie because she is single-handedly responsible for aging him twenty years in six months with their eleven kids. It's like Benjamin Button really happened, but backward!

You're not fooling anyone.

#8- DONALD TRUMP

Enough with this guy. He's such an arrogant prick that I can't even tell where his ass ends and his head begins. He constantly flaunts all his money, but I actually don't think he realizes that that's the only thing he has going for him. His hair is totally ridiculous- I've seen better combovers on a Ken doll. I'm surprised his daughter turned out the way she did- she's actually really smart and good-looking, which is a miracle in itself. She must not have listened to him at all when she was growing up.

Oh my God, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

#7- ASHTON KUTCHER

Ashton Kutcher was actually pretty funny on That 70's Show, but then he decided he wanted his own career, and that's when he started annoying me. First he had that obnoxious MTV show where he screamed all the time and played jokes on celebrities that actually weren't that funny. Then he ushered in that asinine trucker hat trend- that wasn't even attractive on truckers. He made shitty movie after shitty movie and if that weren't bad enough, once Twitter came out, he started drilling his daily activities into our brains, one 140-character update at a time. Ugh, LEAVE. Disappear into space. Retire to a private island or something. Just GO.



#6- BEYONCE

Destiny's Child sucked, but at least I could deal with them when they were just making videos on MTV, when MTV was still relevant. Then they broke up, and Beyonce emerged from the fire and ashes to torment me all on her own. Her music is horrible- pick any one of her singles; I guarantee that I can't stand it. The worst part about her is that she thinks she's really important- if there's a red carpet event, she's there, even if she has nothing to do with whatever the event is for. I'm serious; she would go to the opening of a window. The worst offense is when she sang Etta James' "At Last" at Obama's Inauguration. Couldn't they have gotten someone more appropriate like, I don't know, ETTA JAMES? Just a thought. Beyonce- we get it! You're alive! WE SEE YOU! I wish she'd go away just for like, a year. Just give the world a recovery period, and then hopefully we'll forget all about her.

"A door is opening? I'll be right there!"

My list is almost done, so come back in a few days for the top 5. I know, you're THAT excited.

D-DAY IS COMING: MOST ANNOYING CELEBRITIES, PART 2

I won't have time tomorrow but I'm bored as shit today, so you guys get Part 2 a day early. Yay for ignoring Judaism!

#15- SIMON COWELL

I understand that the "American Idol" Simon Cowell may be a character, but he's still an obnoxious character. Just because someone can't sing doesn't mean you have to tell them that they're ugly. One has nothing to do with the other, asshole. Also, has anyone realized that this guy shows his nipples a lot? I mean, like, A LOT. It makes me really uncomfortable. They're hairy, and it's gross.



#14- HAYDEN PANETIERRE

First of all, this girl is like four feet tall. I know it's wrong to hate someone for something they can't help, but midgets kind of freak me out, so I'm categorizing it as a character flaw. She's also twenty years old and insists on dressing like she's forty, while she traipses around and gives interviews where she says slutty things like "I'm addicted to sex!" like it's cute. It's not cute. You're a whore. Also, her character on Heroes is one of the worst things about the show and they need to kill her off for fucking things up every week.

Ugh. She even poses all whorey.

#13- OPRAH WINFREY

I can't stand Oprah because everyone thinks she's SO generous and SO thoughtful when really, everything she "gives away" is a marketing gimmick which means more publicity for her and whoever is behind the product. Also, people forget that whenever she gives away a million dollars, it's like when I give my friend a quarter for the parking meter. Seriously, she wipes her ass with that million- when she gives someone a few hundred million, then I'll be impressed. I've been forced to watch her show a few times and she constantly screams, which is incredibly annoying. Also, she's single-handedly responsible for bringing Dr. Phil into the public eye- that's reason enough.

"My marketing team is THIS big!"

#12- BONO

This one really disappoints me because for most of my life, U2 was one of my favorite bands. The Joshua Tree is my favorite album of all time, and "One" is the best song to come out of the '90's. However, maybe if Bono hadn't become such an arrogant blowhard U2 could have concentrated on releasing a decent single in the last 10 years (their last album was atrocious). I really think this guy believes he's Jesus. He won't shut the fuck up about poverty and starving kids and all that shit. I mean, it's nice and all, but can you go back to making amazing music, please? You're not the Pope, and your name is not actually in the Bible. You're a regular dude that used to make great tunes, and your charity has more of an effect if you don't constantly brag about it.



#11- MADONNA

Again, I love the stuff she put out in the '80's, and I can even get into some of her later work from the '90's, too. But what the fuck is up with her now? She looks like Skeletor AFTER the coke bender, only with arms that could crush a Mack truck over my head. I think she realizes that her pop culture relevancy slipped away years ago and she's now become a desperate harlot. She's always photographed with that 11-year-old kid (whose name is Jesus- I get it, and it's not funny), she's got that weird fake British accent, and newsflash- just because you have one of those stupid red bracelets, you're not a Jew. I was born and raised Jewish, and I take issues with anyone that sees religion as a fashion statement and a trend. FYI- Her music sucks now, too.

"La Isla Bonita? Not a real place. I looked it up."

Check back in a few days for the second half of the list. The celebrities get more obnoxious and my bitterness gets more hilarious.

SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE: MOST ANNOYING CELEBRITIES, PART 1

I'm a Jew and it's Christmas, so for the next few days I'm bored with nothing to do. Also, since it's Christmas, I realized I'm really late with my end-of-the-year lists that everyone (OK, 3 people) looks forward to, so I decided to put up the first one today. It's the end of a full decade this year, so I have higher standards and I'm including everything from January 2000 to December 2009. Because I'm pretending that anybody actually gives a shit, I'm building the suspense and dividing it into parts. Behold, my list of the celebrities that annoyed me the most for the last ten years:

#20- EMINEM

I hate this guy. He thinks he's so badass with his shit-talking and bad rap "songs" about anyone who has the balls to say anything bad about him. Dude, you're not eight years old and there's no playground to beat up people up in- no one is scared and they don't think you're cool. I thought he went away after a while since he seemed to fall off the planet (or the wagon), but no, he came back this year with a new album. Ugh! Go away.



#19- JENNIFER LOPEZ

For the first half of the 2000's she was everywhere, pretending that she was still some fat-assed chick from the Bronx instead of a multi-millionaire conglomerate. I kind of liked her in Selena, and Out Of Sight was a hot movie (YES to anything with George Clooney), but then I saw that she made an album and I was like, "What the hell is this?" Then it wouldn't stop. More CD's, perfumes, a clothing line, 10,000 marriages and engagements- thank God it seems like even she realized she was annoying and backed the hell off for the rest of the decade.



#18- KATE HUDSON

Kate Hudson is so annoying because she's a rampant slut. Every day and a half there's some new story about who she's banging. Apparently she was dating Owen Wilson when he tried to kill himself, and his family blamed her. Also, she was dumped by A-Rod for being too high-maintenance- this coming from a guy who did a photo shoot where he made out with himself. She also can't act- the only film I can tolerate her in is Almost Famous, and that's only because it's my favorite movie.

What a shock! Her mouth is open!

#17- KANYE WEST

Kanye West is an asshole. Whenever someone criticizes him he yells about it- on the Internet, in all caps. He picks on everyone- including Taylor Swift, who's like, 12 years old. He's a vile attention whore- like Eminem to the seventh power. His music is actually pretty creative, but it's overshadowed by the fact that he's such a dick. I hope everyone forgets about him, really soon.

I want YOU... to shut the fuck up.

#16- TOM CRUISE

I've never really liked him. He was OK in the 80's, but the only good movie he's done in the last 20 years is Minority Report (Jerry Maguire was alright, but I hated that obnoxious kid and the fact that the Gracie Films marketing team tricked us into thinking the movie was about sports. Plus Renee Zellweger just barely missed making this list). I hate his face- his smile is huge and looks like it's going to overthrow his head. Plus everyone knows by now that he's a whackjob- all this Scientology crap really pisses me off, and in every single picture Katie Holmes looks like she's pleading "Help Me" through her eyes. I hope her contract expires soon.



That's the first round. The next few should be posted in a couple of days. Try to pretend like you care.

DATING IN THE NEW CENTURY, PART 2: ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING

If you're still with me after Part One, first of all; thank you. I appreciate your willingness to put up with my essay-length ramblings. Second, if you're still here because you think you're going to get a feel-good read about how I managed to weed through the crazies and finally find my perfect match, come on. Be realistic.

At least this one is funnier and doesn't end in tears or bloodshed.

1) THE PERV-INATOR



I met this loser on the train coming back from my grandmother's. He only communicated through email, but then again, that seems to be the way people choose to talk to each other these days. He took me to a mildly appealing wine bar where, despite claiming to have been born and raised on LES, he still pronounced "Houston Street" like the city in Texas.

We still managed to have a pleasant conversation and I actually found myself kind of liking him, until he pinned me down onto one of the booths and rammed his tongue into my mouth like a tapeworm going for the lower intestine. I did not appreciate being sexually assaulted in public while I was sober and politely excused myself.

I ignored his emails for a full year(!) until I started to feel sorry for him and told him that I wasn't interested. His answer was, "Oh, I just thought you were busy. I'll stop saying hi."

Dumbass.

2) THE FAIRY PRINCESS



This gem started talking to me on the 6 Train, coincidentally on the same day I met the Perv-inator. We got off on the same stop, and he suggested going for pizza. The only thing that was really memorable about this date is that as we were eating, Christian Siriano, who at the time had JUST won Project Runway, walked by our table and I managed not to completely spaz out with geeker joy and call every single one of my girlfriends (we LOVE him).

We went on a few more dates, and each time he got clingier. He called and texted like, 11 times a day and would leave me voice mails that started with "Hey, it's me." If I didn't call him back right away, he'd call again. When he was out with his friends, he would text me, telling me where he was and when he was coming home. Dude, I've known you for eight minutes. We're not there yet.

At this point I was still semi-dating Sexaholic (see Part 1) so everyone was encouraging me to give this other guy a chance, because at least he was nice to me. And honestly, even if he was super-annoying, it did feel good to be treated right. So I agreed to another date, for my mom's sake.

He invited me to a yacht party, and we decided to meet up at the 6 train. Sexaholic and I had gotten into yet another fight, and I had told him I needed a "break," so already I was not in the best of moods. The Princess called me and told me he was running a few minutes late. I told him that was fine and I would meet him at the subway. Two minutes later he called me back to ask if I was OK. I KNOW!

We got to the party and I decided to ditch him. I'm not proud of it, but seriously, it was the only way I could get him off my back. I acted really bored, sat a foot away from him, hit on other guys, and he didn't even get it. Finally he suggested meeting up with his friends at a different party and I told him I was tired and wanted to go home. That was when he asked me if I "minded" if he went out with his friends. I seriously contemplated stabbing him in the head with my stiletto. He put me in a cab and then called me three times that night. I never called him back, and luckily, after trying to call me again twice the next day, I never heard from him again.

3) DOCTOR OCTOPUS



I met this guy at a bar, when I was working for a band whose marketing department I used to run. He worked in Manhattan, so we met up a few times for happy hour. We had a ton in common, he was really cute, and we got along great- until he finally kissed me and he licked the side of my face. As in, like a dog. He also grabbed onto my boobs like they were PS3 controllers. I was SO bummed. Dude was like, 32! I couldn't picture living with that forever, let alone another date. Ugh. Time to move on.

4) THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING PROSPECT



I "dated" this guy for about a month. On date number one, he picked me up and the minute I got into his car, he had Radiohead playing (100 bonus points!), followed immediately by Interpol. Over the course of a few "dinners" (beer and waffle fries- but whatever- I'm low maintenance) I gradually found out he's a health nut and a USC Trojans fan that watches Nip/Tuck. I started thinking, "could I actually have found somebody decent?" But it's me, so of course not. First, he insulted bagels. I tried explaining to him that New Yorkers have four food groups: pizza, pretzels, hot dogs and bagels- telling me not to eat them is like telling Lady Gaga not to look like an idiot.

Then he dropped the bomb that he "wasn't a fan" of Kraft macaroni and cheese. Is that even possible? Not liking Kraft mac 'n' cheese is like burning the flag or kicking a puppy: you just DON'T.

However, we had so much in common that I let it slide- until he started drunk texting me every night for a week. That should have been my first clue, but no! I invited him over for movie night. I sat on my couch and watched him down an entire bottle of whiskey until he finally started drunkenly groping me. The whole time I went over the Mets starting lineup in my head to keep from laughing. He told me I have a huge rack, and I'm thinking, "thanks for noticing. Like I don't realize this every day in the shower when I can't see my feet?" Then, as if this is going to be a huge turn-on, he begged me- BEGGED ME- to let him take off his pants and stick it between my boobs. I couldn't help hysterically laughing, and he asked me, "Does that mean yes?" I told him, "That means get the hell out of my apartment." Then I kicked him out and watched the What Not To Wear marathon for the rest of the night.

Seriously, who lets these guys out of their cages? And do they have parents?

Thinking about my recent dating experiences, I have come to the following conclusions:

A) I can't even look at my own girl parts in the shower, so any lesbian moments are totally out of the question;

B) and, seeing as how my house has a menorah, I can't become a nun. I mean, I could convert, but that would completely destroy my grandmother. So no.

Any suggestions would be welcome.

CHECK FOR GIRL PARTS

This last post about Twilight got me thinking- am I simply bitter, or do I just hate mostly everything that's aimed specifically at my gender? I realized there's a lot of things I hate that other girls love, and maybe I should list them. Why? Because I'm feeling more cynical than usual. So here they are:

15) Z-100

For those of you living under a rock (or the awesome select few that choose not to listen to the radio), Z-100 is one of those gay-ass Top-40 stations that only plays those miserable popular songs or bad dance hits. Seeing as how the music industry is pretty much a shit sandwich right now, you can only imagine how bad every one of those songs are. I haven't willingly listened to the radio since I was in high school, but every time I get into one of my girlfriends' cars, they have this on their dial. It makes me wish that music were never invented, and that horrifies me.



14) PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION (a.k.a. "PDA")

This is pretty low on the list because it depends on how drunk I am and the level of PDA that is going on. Holding hands- OK, sure. Sitting on laps- depends on where you are and who's presence you happen to be in. But no one needs to see your tongue in someone else's mouth or your hand in someone else's pants. We know you like each other, alright? Now go upstairs.

Get a room, assholes.

13) CLUBS

I HATE clubs. Yeah, I'll still go to them if my vote is trumped by my friends', but the music is shitty and everyone who's there is usually lame. I'm too old to waste hours of my life standing in line (especially in 20 degrees or rain- I think NOT), and then there's more often than not a cover to get in. Not to mention the drinks are all, like, 11 dollars. The guys are all hideously dressed losers that are just looking to get laid, and the girls are all skanky morons that are just looking to get laid. Most clubs are like a more expensive episode of Jersey Shore, and I'd rather stay home and watch that on MTV anyway (I can't help it- that show is like room deodorizer in a bathroom full of unflushed toilets).



12) "OMG"

I actually have friends that use this all the time, and it irritates the fuck out of me. "OMG" is shorthand for "Oh my god," and people that use it are apparently too lazy (my friends) or too retarded (everyone else) to use the correct phrasing. I guess it's ok if you're typing, but I've heard girls toss this into ACTUAL CONVERSATION. I was once talking to this girl who I thought was smart- she went to Yale- and she actually said, "You are too funny! OMG!" I went to get a strong alcoholic beverage and thanked God I wasn't a lesbian. I'll take a pervert over a moron any day.

You're an idiot.

11) LIFETIME TV

If Lifetime TV is "Television For Women," how come the women are always getting beaten and raped?

I'd rather watch ESPN.

10) ROBERT PATTINSON

Robert Pattinson is the vampire from Twilight who looks like a lesbian that doesn't shower. He also can't act and he's like 11 years old. Yet my friends- who are in their 20's and 30's- go nuts over him! I don't understand this! Show me George Clooney or Clive Owen- great-looking, intelligent, talented guys that I actually get why women- myself included- are into. This guy is a clown. I vote no.

Would you rather have this...

Or this? Oh, yes.

9) FLOWERS

Call me an "unromantic" (please do), but I just think flowers mean that a guy is incredibly lazy. To get flowers as a gift means that at the last minute he was thinking, "I know that I have to bring you something, but really, I'm an uncreative bastard and I just want to get laid." A guy that brings me flowers put absolutely no thought into my gift. Plus some of them make me sneeze.



8 ) GUYS THAT PLAY WITH MY HAIR

If I'm on a date with a guy, chances are I spent a good half hour on my hair, and he better not be touching it. Then again, if a guy is playing with my hair, chances are he's gay anyway, in which case we're not on a date.

The only way that a guy "playing with my hair" is acceptable.

7) THOSE STUPID JAPANESE CARTOON CHARACTERS

Ever since I was eight, almost every girl I know has been into Hello Kitty and Crap N Pee or whatever the fuck that stupid frog's name is. It's ok when you're in the third grade, but one semester I had a class with a girl who wore pigtails (which is a whole other story) with barrettes that had those gay-ass characters on them, and she looked fucking ridiculous. I think she was trying to hook a guy with that look, but she's 22. The only guy she's gonna get is a pedophile, but if that's your thing, go for it, I guess...

Seriously? NO.

6) NAIL POLISH

Nail polish is a pain in the ass. You need total coordination to not get the polish all over your hands, and I don't have it. I guess I just hate nail polish because I'm a klutz. Call it resentment, if you will.



5) FIGURE SKATING

I've always hated figure skating. You kind of want to think the winter Olympics are cool because they have stuff like skiing and hockey and other awesome sports, but then you have crap like gliding around a frozen pond in an ugly sparkly dress. There's horrible music and people moving really fast so I get a headache. People actually have the balls to call this a sport, and that really pisses me off. Any activity that involves twirling is not a sport.

Gay.

4) "SEX AND THE CITY" AND "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES"

It absolutely baffles me that EVERY SINGLE girl I meet loves these two shows. Every character on "Sex and the City" and "Desperate Housewives" is basically the whore stereotype that women have worked so hard to get away from. What annoys me even more is that everyone assumes that all women watch these shows. I once took a quiz on Emode where one of the questions asked which SATC character I'm most like. How the fuck am I supposed to know? I've never seen it. Plus Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a donkey. She's got great shoes, though.





3) PLANNING WEDDINGS

I used to have this friend (we'll call her "Bridetard") that was 100 percent single, yet had a subscription to two bridal magazines. When I asked her why, she looked at me like I was the crazy one and goes, "Haven't you been planning your wedding since you were like, 5?" Uh, no, Bridetard, I haven't. I hate weddings. You have to spend time with family you hate, wear a stupid white dress (and for me and most of my friends, that's a big fat stretch), and pretend that you're prepared to love this person forever when in reality you're pissed at them for refusing to sign the prenup. Half of all marriages end in divorce anyway. Planning your wedding now is stupid. Get engaged (or hell, find a boyfriend), and THEN focus on the wedding.



2) "THE NOTEBOOK"

I've never even seen this movie and I hate it. In fact, my life's goal is to die without ever having seen "The Notebook" at all. Every single girl I've ever come across always gushes about how great this movie is. "OMG!" They start screeching. "This movie had the best love story ever! It made me cry! Blah blah blah." Movies with love stories make me nauseous. Besides, why would you want to cry at a movie? Movies are supposed to be enjoyable. Or about a guy getting his nuts chopped off. Either one.

This poster is enough to scare me away for life.

And the number one thing I hate that other girls love...

BABIES.

OK, OK. I know what you're thinking. "This girl is one sick fuck. How can anyone possibly hate babies? They're so tiny and cute." No. Babies are not cute. I mean, I was really cute, but other babies look like pugs that have been hit in the face with sparklers. They cry all the time, shit their diapers, and they won't leave you alone to get five minutes of sleep. I'll probably like my kid if I have one, but I get really queasy around anybody else's.

Picture yourself, stuck with this forever.

So that's my list. Looking over it, I realize that this may be why all my friends refer to me as "a guy with boobs." Hmmm...