AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

Despite the Monty Python reference, I'm actually not going to be that funny today. I know, you're all in shock. But lately I've been inspired by the fact that I really haven't been that inspired by much at all.

Don't give me that bullshit. I'm allowed to be serious sometimes. If you don't want to hear a depressing rant, come back in a few days.

Don't think I'm lame, but I really miss my family back East. I talk to my mom every day like a fucking pussy, and my brothers and I text a lot (usually about baseball, but still). We have one of those typical sibling relationships where we kicked each others' asses when we were kids, but we all get along really well now (my brothers even live together, which is pretty cool). It probably helps that I like all this guy-related stuff- sports, action movies, graphic novels, etc. God, I'm a loser.

I'm naked without this.

This job hunt is really knocking me out, too. California is one of the states with the worst unemployment rates in the US, and NO ONE is hiring. I even considered going back to cocktailing, which I did like eight years ago and was really fucking degrading, but not even the bars here need any more employees, so I'm stuck doing absolutely nothing. It's really frustrating, and at this point I'd consider whoring myself out to Burger King. That, or an actual whoring out. At least it's money.

Besides that, it really isn't helping that I keep seeing all this New York City-related stuff all over the place. A lot of food places in LA have the audacity to call themselves "New York Style (fill in the blank here)." That's a pretty steep fucking claim that usually turns out to be unbelievably false. The pizza here, for the most part, is laughable, and I can't find a decent black-and-white cookie or bagel anywhere. You're also not supposed to drink the tap water. I can't even believe that! They have to make special "drinking water" containers. Well, excuse the fuck out of me.

They've been showing a lot of "New York City" specials on TV, too. Way to drive the stake through my head, cable. Fuck you, too.



At least I've been getting life updates from home. Two of my friends from the Blogoverse have actually started dating in real life, and while I won't disclose who they are, I will congratulate them here. L'chaim, guys! If your birth control ever fails, that is going to be one hilarious, creative as hell kid who will probably be hot because I at least know what the mom looks like. Their whole story is kind of like a Meg Ryan movie, only a lot less retarded.

While I am really happy for the two of them, though, this does remind me that all my friends and my mom are always trying to set me up or make me join one of those ridiculous dating websites. I don't really care about finding someone to mooch child support payments from, but it does kind of suck feeling like you're the last single person left on the planet. Yes, I know this is an exaggeration, but considering my outstanding track record with those that have called themselves "men," it's getting kind of hard to keep holding my breath.

BTW, the blogging community really is a community. Some of the writers on my blogroll have left incredibly supportive comments reminding me that while LA does bite dick, I have to keep trying to get back East, and when I do, we're definitely going to party. I seriously <3 you all. I won't single you out, but you know who you are, and while this might sound really gay, it has helped to keep me upbeat. Note: you can read some of the comments on my posts.

 

The rest of my inner circle keeps posting these amazing Facebook updates about what's going on with them: vacations, dinners out, promotions, engagements, general hangouts. While I know it's totally unfair to expect the people in my life to just sit around in a dark room waiting for me to return (there can be a light switch in there if they so choose, I guess), it really is sobering to remember that life does go on with or without me.

I did try to tie up as much as I could before I went away, but there were some things that were left unfinished. There was stuff I could have handled differently, and some people I wish I could have fit in the time to visit, but couldn't. I even left some of them on a bad note, and I found out the hard way that putting their Facebook status on hide, or deleting them altogether, doesn't make you think about them any less. When you're forced to leave your hometown, the place you grew up in, there are people that stay on your mind even though you know they shouldn't, even though you're 99% positive they're not even remotely thinking about you, and it sucks.

Anyway, sorry to shit on you guys, but I figure one of these serious Prozac-inducers every six months is enough. The me that you're used to will be back shortly, after I take a nap, get a massage and stop being such a whiny little bitch.

Love You... Seriously.

SHIT, I'M OLD

It's my 50th blog post and it only took me six months! Is that pathetic? I can't tell.

Doesn't matter. In order to celebrate my Blog Birthday, I'm feeling gift-y and bestowing the trophies. So let's do this shit:

This is one I made up, so here are my rules:

1) It was really hard to narrow it down, so no one I already gave an award to. Sorry! I still worship you all.

2) Um, that's it. You don't have to pass it on, or brag about it, or anything.

So here's who I read when I'm not too busy basking in my own hilariousness:

The THAT AINT KOSHER "SHIT THAT SELLS" AWARD  2010

DANACONDA @ From The Head Of The Danaconda- If you thought my shit was raunchy, read Dan's blog. I know more about this guy's external organs than I ever wanted to, but I would still totally hang (pun intended) with this guy because his sense of humor is just as disgusting as mine. Bonus: he's a New Yorker like me.



SARA @ Sara Swears A Lot- If only because she recently posted about fictional characters she'd like to fuck and then let me steal (a.k.a. "borrow") her idea. Also, she shamelessly posts about the vajay, farts, loogies and anything else that's gross that I may have unintentionally left out. PS- She really does swear a lot.



MEI @ Diary of a Fair Weather Diver- Her artwork is hysterical, and she likes a bunch of nerdy stuff just like I do. She did a really funny guest post for me a while back that probably got me a shitload more followers, so thanks for that, Mei! Also, if you get the chance, read her movie reviews.



MCGRIDDLE PANTS @ Serenity Now!! Insanity Later- I didn't discover her blog until she left a comment on mine, but I'm really glad she did because McGriddle Pants is unapologetically bitchy. Her "Random Shit Tuesday" posts are awesome. Oh, she also gave me her ROFL Award a while ago, too. So I love her and feel the need to express fucked up solidarity.



JESSICA MARIA @ Tried to Live Forever- I read Jessica's posts when I'm having an exceptionally shitty day because she's actually one of the nicest bloggers I've met. The fact that she's in Brooklyn and is active in the indie music scene is also a huge plus. Jessica is great- if I ever hung out with her I know we'd be likethis.



Also, check out her husband's band, Motion City Soundtrack- I LOVED these guys when I used to go to Warped Tour and I'm ecstatic to know they're still around and kicking ass.

So check out these blogs and make me think my promotional skills are actually getting put to use. And also- Happy Blog Birthday To Me! Sort of.



*Disclaimer: I took all the artwork from their respective blogs to promote their sites. Obviously.

I'M BORED AS SHIT TODAY

I'm super bored right now and the weather sucks, so it's blogging time. There's no topic today, just some of my incoherent ramblings which you've all come to know and love, or dread. Either/or.

I've been strangely hyper over the last week, like a crackwhore who's also on copious amounts of speed. I feel like every time I move around one of those montage music themes should be playing. Wouldn't it be sweet if I had my own theme song? I wonder what it would it be (quiet, you!).

Here's what I've been up to lately while you've all been waiting for me to post. Sorry! I'll be more frequent in the future. You can also check out my guest post on Lynnorra's blog, Thoughts of a Randomista.



ANYWAY:

-I dyed my hair black. Not because I'm going through some weird emo/goth phase, but because my hair is naturally really close to that anyway, and my Jew-fro was getting so out of control that it was in full ejaculatory mode. So I FINALLY got a trim, and decided to go full Dark Side while I was there (wow, that was my first sci-fi reference in almost two days. I should have stretched first). I'm also thinking of maybe adding some cool-looking highlights. Any color ideas?

BTW, I go to SuperCuts, because I'm a cheap-ass.

-My phone drama is, seemingly, finally over. I got my new Blackberry Curve from FedEx a few days ago and I love it. I loogied on my Droid and shipped it back. Suck it, Verizon. I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns. You fail at life.



-I did two entire loads of laundry. Let me preface this by saying I'm fucking OBSESSED with doing laundry. I'll even go so far as to say that it sometimes puts me "in the mood," if you get what I'm saying. Sometimes I'll put a load in (haha... "put a load in") when I don't even need to. My dad is laundry retarded so I usually stick his clothes in with mine, which I don't mind at all because hey, more for me. The best part about laundry is taking it out of the dryer when it's all warm, and you get to put the clothes in your lap when you fold them. Everyone always gives me weird looks when I tell them this stuff, and I've often caught people giving me strange looks and backing away from me.

I love doing housework in general. I was never into it until I moved away from my parents and was forced to clean up after myself, and then I discovered that doing dishes and vacuuming and sweeping and all that stuff was the shit. Sometimes I get asked by my guy friends why I'm still single. It's probably because I'm such a freak.

-I've been going to the gym a lot, which is great for me because I've also been stuffing my face. I went with T to The Cheesecake Factory the other day and OH MY GOD. Have you ever had their shit? Their tuxedo cheesecake is UNBELIEVABLE. Here's how they make it, and also an enticing photo:

I heard that if you share it, all the calories go away.

Speaking of T, it took us an hour and a half to find her car after dinner last week. Of course we checked every floor of the parking garage except for the one we were actually on. It's pretty hilarious now, and at least we walked off the calories (lie), but by the time we actually found her car we had to stand there for a full minute and stare at it to make sure it wasn't a mirage. She's definitely going to hate me for posting this.

-San Diego ComicCon is going on right now and I'm broke and vehicle-less, so I have to resort to obsessively checking Internet updates and finding my future ex-husband somewhere else. There's always something that prevents me from going to ComicCon- once I actually bought my ticket to the one in New York and then my grandma called an hour later to remind me that Passover was that weekend. Dammit, obligatory family love.

This year there are new panels for It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Glee, Archer and Sons of Anarchy. I have no idea what they have to do with comics, but I would go to all of those. Next year I swear to God I will walk there.

Also: Futurama! Is anyone else happier than Roman Polanski at an unsupervised daycare that this show is back? Because it is even funnier than it was last time.

-Other stuff I've been nerdily juiced up for in the coming week: the baseball trade deadline, NFL training camp, Project Runway (just like a real girl!), and SHARK WEEK! If you don't know what Shark Week is, start planning what you want on your tombstone now, because you should no longer be on this Earth. Then tune into the Discovery Channel on August 1st, or come back and read my blog, because I'll be posting all about it since I am a gigantic loser. Bonus: this year it's hosted by Craig Ferguson.

God, I'm sad.

-While Internet surfing I found out that The Hold Steady has a recent tune entitled "Hurricane J." Not only is it really good, but like, 2/3 of the guys I've been with have names that start with J, and most of these experiences can, in fact, be compared to something that will knock the wind out of you and metaphorically punch you in the crotch. Was this written about my dating life? This is unofficially my new favorite song.

-The activity I've been filling up the most of my time with is, of course, job hunting. I've filled out applications at what feels like everywhere in this entire fucking city. This is new territory for me because I've never worked retail- I went from the hospitality business to an office job to the marketing world. I'm still going for full-time work, but I'm also looking for something to tide me over until I get there. More on this ordeal later.

So anyway, there's all the crap you really didn't need (or care) to know about how I've been filling up my time. I'll be back in full blogging mode after this weekend, and if you really can't hold out, check out some of the stuff on my blogroll. These a-holes are much more reliable than I am.

AND YOU GUYS THOUGHT I WAS BITTER...

I've spent the last few days on the dreaded job hunt, which you guys will hear about sooner or later. So in order to avoid a million years between blog posts, I forced Lynn at Thoughts of a Randomista to write a post for you while I take a nice, long nap because now I'm fucking exhausted (PS- she's actually returning the favor- I wrote one for her a few weeks ago which she swears will be up by tomorrow).

We gave each other free rein on the topic, so now all I can say is, WOW.

HOLY SHIT. If you guys thought I was angry, this chick has a shitload more grievances than I do. I'm Little Miss Fucking Sunshine compared to her. But what she sent me is hilarious, raunchy and REALLY controversial (and totally justified, BTW), so read it, love it, get pissed off, whatever, and feel free to post your comments, because I am definitely bringing her back.

And I'll see you all again ASAP, as soon as my hand feels like it's not going to fall off.

From filling out applications, people! God, you guys are sick.



BEHOLD: THOUGHTS OF A RANDOMISTA

Ignorance at its FINEST!

Muahahaha- Randomista TAKEOVER. I’m TOAR and you have to endure my random rants because That Ain’t Kosher went to be a regular Jew today. You know, a “kosher” one. So now you have to read my raunchy, scandalous writings. I love my new Jew friend. She frickin rocks for letting me steal her followers today!

Please Note: My post contains racist slurs – and I don’t care. My white side is from Ansley, Nebraska (STRAIGHT EUROPEAN) and the black side is from Atlanta Georgia (HAHA THE N WORD GOES HERE).

Have you ever had an itch that was so bad that you scratched and scratched and you broke skin? You know, to the white meat? That’s how bad this particular thing is getting to me…

HOOD RATS & 5 STAR CHICKS

How come if I am looking at you, I gotta be staring? Then I get some hoe ass comment like “What the fuck you looking at?” My next reaction is: “BITCH I'M LOOKIN AT YOU!” Which in turn, starts some shit; the kicker part is, that might not have been what I was doing but since TOAR is IGNORANT, that is how she will address it! Why can’t I just admire something you have on like a pair of shoes, or I notice how your hair – weave and all – looks better than my real long pretty hair. Get over yourself. You should take it as a compliment if someone is “staring” at you. No need to be nasty.



By the way, 5 – Star chicks are just uppity ass hood rats.

NON-DISCRIMINATE RACISM

Black people are more racist than white people. Ok, ok – let me rephrase that. They are equally racist but there are some subtle differences.

Black People

Are openly racist – don’t care who you are, what color, or anything – they will talk about you.

First to pull the RACE card when things don’t go their way (ie. jobs, school, the responsibility for their future)

White People

Northern White People will be your friends in your face then stab you in the back

Southern White People will tell you to your face to stay away and no one will get hurt.

GENERALLY SPEAKING

TOAR is ignorant. I know everything above is not true but that is some of the things that I deal with living the mixed life. On the white side of my family, I am the black girl. On the black side of my family, I am the white girl – Identity Crisis, definitely. To me, people are mean in general. You cannot meet a stranger that will be nice to you, start a regular conversation with – someone that will be genuine and open. NO MATTER THE RACE.

Have you ever been the victim of the “Hoodrat Attack?” or were you the one who jumped down their throat? Also, what kind of cultural differences do you face in your home or everyday life?

The World Sucks and so do you!

Sincerely,



Follow TOAR’s raunchy ass at Thoughts of a Randomista!

So anyway, WOW. I've never experienced anything like what Lynnorra's been through, probably because my Jewiness on both sides is something like 10,000%. But it's good to know that there's someone else that's as pissed off as I am.

Anyway, I'll be back soon, and if you can't wait that long, here's something almost as adorable as me to tide you over:



Don't forget to check out my post on her blog, whenever it goes up (cough).

UPDATE: My post is up! Go check it out- you know it's gonna be a pants-shitter: Is It Just Me?

THE RELOCATION CHRONICLES, CHAPTER FOUR: POPPED CULTURE

One of the things I miss most about my New York apartment is that, no matter which direction I turned, I was always within walking distance of some kind of museum, theater, foreign restaurant or, to be fair, some unidentifiable odor. In short, I was never at a loss for culture at its best.

Even LA natives seem to agree that this city is severely lacking in that department. Unless you're in the mood to eat, shop or drive up the coast, there's really nothing to do here. Maybe it's because I was exposed to so much of the arts at such a young age (and not the kind of "exposed" that Los Angeles is so familiar with), but this really annoys me.

It's also totally obnoxious that a lot of people here really don't seem to care. I literally get really excited every time I'm introduced to something that constitutes a "cultural" occurrence. Take, for example, my friend Tina- she's in her mid-twenties, but already makes my life seem like an epic fail. She's a sought-after electric cellist that was considered a prodigy in elementary school and has played all over the world, including in the orchestras for movies and TV shows. She's also performed at the Grammys and MTV awards, appeared in music videos, been nominated for a bunch of shit and has basically made me question what the hell it is I've been doing with myself. You can check out her stuff here. It will blow your mind.

Anyway, I went to see her perform with a jazz band last week and she was gracious enough to put me on the guest list and give me a "plus one." It was short notice, but the few people I asked to attend the show with me "didn't like jazz" so they wouldn't go.



Are you serious? I mean, I'm not a huge fan of the genre but I can appreciate the amount of talent it takes to learn the craft. Second, I don't care if it was a two-hour show where I had to listen to her recite the Dragon Tales theme song, beatnik style. Tina is my friend, and I'll support her. She asked me to go, so I went, and she sounded unbelievable.

BTW, one of the movies that Tina was featured in was Inception. I just saw it on Friday, and dude, seriously, see this fucking film. It's one of the greatest cinematic achievements of the last ten years. I'm a huge Christopher Nolan fan, especially after what he accomplished with The Dark Knight, and after this whole sequel/remake cataclysm Hollywood's been insisting on lately, I'll pretty much check out any original project they come up with that isn't in 3-D. Plus: sci-fi!



Note: I have an on-going competition with my brother over who sees awesome movies first. So far he's beaten me with Batman Begins, Spider-Man 2, Watchmen, The Dark Knight and Star Trek (by half an hour!). This time I finally won by TWO WHOLE DAYS, and now that I wrote this he's probably going to post some dickhead comment about how I always lose anyway.

A-hole.

HA HA!

My brother, as well as my friends back home, would throw the girls in this building in front of a speeding train. The other day I was in the elevator, and some bleach addict in nine-inch heels stepped in. She was carrying three shopping bags and a tiny purse with an even tinier dog inside, and was also balancing some 1,000 dollar drink from Starbucks while she nursed an iPhone under her chin. BTW, she looked like she was about 16, which probably meant that she was either 12 or 25.

Legally Stupid

The ridiculous conversation she was having on her cell went like this:

"Oh my God, I know... Oh my God, I know... Oh my God, I know... TOTALLY! OMG! Oh my God, I know." It was the longest elevator ride of my life. I wanted to push her down the shaft. If this moron saw Inception or anything with a remotely original concept her head would explode like that dude in Scanners.

What really pissed me off, however, is when I went to dinner with my dad this weekend. We went to this sushi place that has really awesome spicy shrimp that I love, and we were seated next to this group of guys that I knew immediately were total douches thanks to their beanies and Ed Hardy shirts (the unmistakeable symbol of douchebaggery). My dad and I tried to carry on normal conversation and enjoy our food, but I couldn't but help but overhear these assmonkeys discussing an unlucky group of girls that unfortunately weren't there to defend themselves.

During the next half hour, I learned way more than I cared to about these girls' favorite sexual positions, "sexting" abilities, and booty call rankings. The youngest female in the group had just turned 21 and this winner assumed that he was "definitely more mature" than she was. Also, all these girls were all apparently "all over" these guys' "flavor." I almost spit out my drink.

First of all, I think not. The only one of them whose physical appearance didn't make me dry heave resembled a gargoyle in heat.

I'd tap that.

And really- "flavor?" This is Beverly Hills, and it isn't 1992.

One of the other losers then started complaining about how girls can't tell the difference between sex and love, which of course is true, because I've wound up proposing marriage to every guy I've ever slept with. Then he went on to explain how this is why cheating is bad when girls do it, but doesn't mean shit if a guy fucks somebody else, because men don't ever love anyone they have sex with. Hear that sound? That's my pants unzipping for you, right away! If I hadn't been with my dad I would have dropped my plate facedown in his lap. Luckily our check came and I didn't have to listen to any more of these clowns' brilliant witticism.



That's an astonishing amount of asshole that I didn't even know existed. If you're going to insist on being a complete retard, do it in the privacy of your own house, not in a public forum where people can hear you and have access to knives. Not only was I sitting next to them, but there were two other tables full of women within earshot of their imbecilic conversation, and I know we all heard them. Miraculously we all managed not to poison their food.

What the fuck is going on in people's heads? Has it really reached that point where everybody has just stopped trying? Does no one have any original thoughts anymore? When I listen to my friend play the cello, or see a movie like Inception, I actually think about how pathetic it is that I'm energized by projects that don't try to replicate something that I've already seen, sometimes as recently as three years ago (take a hint, Spider-Man franchise!). I hope this movie is the box office hit of the year, because maybe idiots like this will learn something.

Probably not, though.

AURAL SEX: JULY 2010 EDITION

I know this was supposed to go up yesterday, but as a longtime baseball fan and a New Yorker, I thought it more appropriate that I honor the passing of legendary Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. Really, are you guys that impatient that you can't wait an extra day for some lame post about what's on my iPod? I also owe a shitload of guest blogs and they've all been waiting for like nine years.

Anyway, after last month's Aural Sex column led to a bunch of texts from my friends threatening to out me for my current Lady Gaga infatuation, I realized that in order for my writing to be even moderately successful, I probably have to humiliate myself. Here are some primo examples of messages from my so-called "friends." (Note: I hate you all).

"Hahaha Lady Gaga. I'm telling everyone."


"Gaga! I knew it! You LOSER!"


"I knew u liked Gaga. LIAR. I'm posting it on ur wall." (She did, BTW.)

Skanks.

Sadly, this is the biggest and fastest response I've ever gotten from my friends on any post I've ever done, and as a marketer, I'm forced to subscribe to the "go with what sells" theory. So, just for you guys, I went through my iTunes and decided to denigrate myself by listing the most embarrassing songs that I actually paid money for. I couldn't decide which one was the most horrible, so I just alphabetized them. Feel free to taunt while you take a gander at the Shit That I Lie About:

Berlin- Take My Breath Away

Not only is this is a seriously cheesy ballad, but it plays over a love scene in what's one of the most ambiguously homoerotic movies of all time. I was embarrassed just typing the title into Youtube. My dad came into the room while I was doing this and was like, "really?"

I was briefly comforted by the fact that whenever I used to watch this scene it was pretty hot, but then I found out that the broad is a lesbian, and let's not post any speculations about Tom Cruise even though it's pretty obvious and he annoys the crap out of me.



Daughtry- It's Not Over

I'm embarrassed about liking anything having to do with American Idol, regardless of genre. However, I can defend myself by telling you guys that when I downloaded this, I didn't know that Daughtry was actually from American Idol, so this is actually pretty low down on the scale.



Dead Or Alive- You Spin Me Round

This is by far the gayest song of all time. It's so gay that the dude singing it is actually now a girl. It's quintessential 80's, though, which is why I love it- I have an obsession with that whole decade, even though I don't remember it because I was too young. If you scroll down, 2/3 of the songs on here are crappy 80's songs. My whole iPod is pretty much like that, which is why it was so difficult to narrow this list down to just 15.



EMF- Unbelievable

I know this song is awful, OK? I can't explain why I like it; I just do. Look at their outfits in the video- they're SO nineties, with the Day-Glo and the hats and the shorts... oh man, I'm so humiliated.

What makes it worse is the commercial they did for Kraft- they actually got back together to re-record the song as "Crumb-believable." (Note: Youtube refers to the song as the "classic single." Um, no.) Mortifying.



Georgia Satellites- Keep Your Hands To Yourself

Haha, this song is so country. It would actually be a pretty good rock tune, but Dan Baird's voice is hilarious, and the video is great- they're riding around on a pick-up truck with hay and shit, like they're on their way to a state fair on a date with their cousin and a couple of pigs. It's such a stereotype, and I will deny until someone actually looks at my music collection.



Great White- Once Bitten Twice Shy

I LOVE 80's hair metal, but this is REALLY fucking bad. It has tinkling in it. TINKLING! Piano doesn't belong here. Maybe it's a good thing no one ever heard from this band again.

I, however, really like this song. Everything else they ever did sucked hardcore, but for some reason I chose to actually buy this one.



The J. Geils Band- Centerfold

I don't know what this song is actually about. Is it some guy who jerks off to a magazine or something? Whatever. It's terrible, I know. But I like the "na's." They make me happy.



Jason Mraz- I'm Yours

This actually isn't a bad song, and Jason Mraz isn't untalented. It's just that everything about "I'm Yours" goes entirely against my rep because it's a cute, sappy love song. Every time it comes on in a bar or a store, or wherever, I will roll my eyes but secretly sing along to it in my head.

See? I have feelings sometimes.



Katrina and the Waves- Walking On Sunshine

Every time I hear this song it perks me up, so I secretly downloaded it and didn't tell any of my friends. Then one of them found out and told everyone. That bitch. You know who you are.



Kelly Clarkson- My Life Would Suck Without You

There's actually a pretty good beat on this song, so I use it to work out to. But again, I loathe American Idol and everything connected to it. I only listen to this at the gym, and I hate anything else she's ever done. BTW, does this picture win the "Photoshop Of The Year" award, or what?



KE$HA- Tik Tok

In my defense, I downloaded this song to work out to and it's buried at the very end of my gym playlist.

Not in my defense, I willingly paid $1.29 for this piece of shit.

The prosecution rests.



Lady Gaga- Alejandro

I've gotten over my Lady Gaga denial that I was in last month, and embraced the fact that her music is, in fact, pretty awesome. Plus 90% of everyone I know loves her, so I can be honest about downloading her shit, even if I do think she's a vile human being that should be slowly crushed by a Mack truck. This song, however, actually humiliates me because if you listen to it you immediately hear the Ace of Base track that it samples and they haven't been cool for almost twenty years (I just TOTALLY dated myself).



Poison- Talk Dirty To Me

I actually love Poison and have a bunch of their shit, but I guess I'll put them on this list because everyone makes fun of me for that. I have a Poison t-shirt that I've been requested by many to never wear in public, and I've been laughed at for knowing all the words to "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" (I still maintain that it's a classic). This song, however, is slightly embarrassing because Bret Michaels actually talks in it, and talking in songs annoys me. If I were ranking songs in this post, this would be the lowest one.



Rick Springfield- Human Touch

Everyone is into "Jessie's Girl," and if you say you aren't, you're a liar. But I'm slightly perturbed by the fact that I know more of Rick Springfield's songs, and that I actually like them. I mean, he was really popular then, but I was like two, so I have no excuse now.



Skid Row- 18 and Life

This one made the cut because people are embarrassed for me. Once I was at a bar with some guys from work and this came on and I identified it out loud, and everyone looked at me like I was a freak. It was awkward, and this song was forever banished to the Mortification Rotation.



Steve Perry- Oh Sherrie

First of all, as an unapologetic Journey fanatic, let me stick up for Steve. His voice is incredible and unmistakeable. His solo stuff, however, blows copious amounts of ass, and this is the only single he ever came out with that I actually like. I am aware, however, that that doesn't mean it's actually good. Once I was in a store with my dad and this started playing, and even though we were done shopping I made him stay there until the song was over. I am such a loser.

PS- check out the video. That alone is reason enough.



Tommy Tutone- 867-5309

This is in no way a good song. I have no idea why I like this.



Vixen- Edge of a Broken Heart

It's pretty cool that there are chicks singing and playing instruments here, but there a lot of more talented bands in this category with much better tunes- i.e. Heart, The Bangles, The GoGos. I have all of these downloaded, so I really have no excuse for this one. I don't know, I guess the song just appeals to me. It could be because they came out at the same time as the all-guy metal bands, so I guess they were inspiring people? That's a piss-poor excuse. They sucked.



Warrant- Heaven

"Cherry Pie" is an awesome song that's become a bar band staple that all my friends love, and I'm totally fine with that one. But "Heaven" actually lets people know that I can identify more than one Warrant song, and that I enjoy it, and that's not OK.



Winger- Seventeen

Any band that's considered the "Beavis and Butthead wuss band" does not belong in anyone's collection. This song is, however in mine. I hang my head in shame.



See what I put myself through for you guys? All of these are the reason that no one is allowed to see my music collection until they've known me for like, a year. That's usually around the same time people expose their prison record. Please be gentle with your comments, and if you're feeling generous, let me know if you have any hidden tracks on your iPod.

PRIDE OF THE YANKEES

I know everyone was expecting my music column today, but that's been postponed due to the death of New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. The post is written and ready to go, and will be up tomorrow.

All of you know by now that I am both an obnoxiously boastful native of New York City and a zealous baseball fanatic. You're also probably aware that as a die-hard Mets fan, I've harbored an intense dislike for the Yankees for most of my life. However, George Steinbrenner's revolutionary ownership skills not only transformed the Yankees, but professional sports, and he should be honored and respected on the day of his passing.

Steinbrenner died this morning at age 80 of a massive heart attack. He currently was the longest-tenured owner in baseball, and arguably the most legendary. He helped lead the Yankees to 11 pennants, 16 AL East Championships, and 7 of their 27 World Championships. That's a fraction I can't think about, because I suck at math. He shaped the team into the franchise that they are today, and is partly responsible for the fact that when anyone mentions the term "baseball," most people immediately think "Yankees."

As a marketer myself, I have great reverence for his skills in that field. He spearheaded the YES network and his own ballpark food company, causing the Yankees to become not only an American franchise, but a global empire. I complain constantly about the sparkly pink Yankees logos that sixteen-year-old girls wear that don't know shit about baseball, but think about the revenue that the team makes off of those fake fans. He was instrumental in the branding of not only the Yankees, but New York City, and I'll always have a soft spot for him because of that.

Steinbrenner's Yankees were the first baseball team to reach a payroll of $200 million, which he used to shell out craploads of cash for some of the greatest ballplayers of my generation, including Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, and (although I'm loathe to admit it) Alex Rodriguez. He orchestrated what is in my opinion the greatest free agent signing of all time, Reggie Jackson, and he constantly subscribed to the belief that in order to make money, you have to spend money. One of my biggest gripes about the Yankees is that they buy their championships, but I wish the Mets would spend their cash like that. Maybe then I wouldn't constantly have my heart broken, or be laughed at by my friends (except for the one of you that's an Orioles fan- you know who you are, and you can't say shit).



I've always secretly admired Steinbrenner because of his gigantic set of brass balls. In the early 60's, Steinbrenner owned an American Basketball League team called the Cleveland Pipers. During that year, Steinbrenner traded a player at halftime, got thrown out of a game, and was suspended. Later, under his leadership, the Yankees organization employed 15 different managers, including Billy Martin, whom Steinbrenner hired and fired 5 separate times. Steinbrenner was also suspended from baseball twice, including once for obstruction of justice. His free-agent signing of Dave Winfield, for $18 million, was the highest free-agent signing in history.

Of course, the best Yankees hire under Steinbrenner, for me anyway, was George Costanza on Seinfeld- I'll always remember his hilarious portrayal by Larry David.

Here's a clip from Youtube of a bunch of scenes of "George Steinbrenner" on Seinfeld.

Apparently Steinbrenner had a great sense of humor about that, too. According to people that knew him, Steinbrenner was a generous man who sent scholarship money to injured high school athletes who could no longer afford to attend college.

The fact that George Steinbrenner took his last breath just hours before the 2010 All-Star Game almost seems like a fitting end to the life of the man who forever changed the world of professional sports. For the last couple of weeks no one could tune into any of the ESPN networks without hearing about that asshole LeBron James or which team he would play for next season (note: I REALLY didn't care). This guarantees that baseball will get the coverage it deserves, however shocking and saddening the news may be, and it's all but appropriate that George Steinbrenner is dominating all forms of media today.

R.I.P., George. Stay safe at home.

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

Before I get into why these past few days have rained down the FAIL!, I have a few minor, more uplifting announcements:

I'll be doing some heavy guest posting in the coming weeks for three pretty awesome bloggers (bloggesses?): Ashley at What Sources Say, Heather at Boyfriend Challenged, and Lynn at Thoughts of a Randomista. I'll of course be alerting all of you as to when my posts go up, but in the meantime, you should check their shit out- it's pretty entertaining.

Plus my blog got its tenth follower. Say yes to double digits (and no to The Clap)!

Seriously, don't get TOO excited.

I also had a mildly exhilarating lunch that could maybe lead to a potentially awesome job. So we'll see if anything comes of that. Legs crossed.

Other than that, this week pretty much brought on the suckage. My current role as Verizon's favorite punching bag continued when my Droid broke and they had to send me a new phone- again. I had to go all the way to the Verizon store, and of course the problem wouldn't repeat itself. The douche behind the counter basically accused me of lying, but he did order me another phone while looking down at me from behind his $1,000 shades. Hey, asshole, only two kinds of people wear sunglasses inside- blind guys and dicks. And I seriously doubt you're blind.


Dickface.

So my new Droid arrived and I realized they forgot to send me the memory card for my phone- again. After I ordered ANOTHER card (for the third time, BTW- the second time was because the genius that took my order in the first place forgot to actually put it in, and BTW congratulate me for not laughing at "put it in"), the guy told me where they sent it and I was like, "What? That place doesn't even exist." Seriously, why didn't you just send the stuff to fucking Narnia? It would probably have gotten here faster. So I gave them the address again, and at least they credited my account. Let's see where this new adventure takes me (to a clock tower).



Speaking of idiots, a new restaurant is opening here in LA and I was looking forward to at least getting something part-time while I look for something that will actually pay me. I was an assistant GM at a bar for years so even if I had to downgrade, I figured it was at least something. I had seen a sign for a walk-in job fair at said restaurant that went through Saturday, so I called the place just to make sure I could still come in. The Einstein that answered the phone told me that they're no longer hiring, but are "currently accepting applications." I knew what that meant- I better hope that someone quit, got fired, or came down with a nasty case of Ebola.

OK, first of all, why would you stop hiring in the middle of a job fair? The operative words here are "job" and "fair." And second, why the hell would you tell people that? Dumbass. Luckily, the place is a chain, so I figure I'll just submit my application online.

In non-related, but just as shitty, news, a couple of my girlfriends told me that I should text The Architect and find out what he's up to over the next couple of days. This kind of crap always leaves a bad taste in my mouth; I was the last one to call; technically, he should reach out to me, right? Anyway, I took my friends' advice, dug his number off of the scrap paper that had burrowed its way into the little pocket of my purse and asked him if anything was going down this weekend. An hour later (!) he wrote back, "I don't know, I'm doing my own thing with Annette this weekend."

Excuse me? Who the fuck is Annette? And why does she have such a whorey name?

I know that guys sometimes do that thing where they collect numbers like some people collect communicable diseases and then don't call, just to prove that girls find them hot. Women do this too, I'm not gonna lie. But why actually follow up and call me if you're already dating someone? What the hell does that accomplish? I forwarded the text to M and she was like, "WTF? Don't even answer that." Right there with ya.

I should order him killed.




Oh, well. Time to start over. The World Cup final is this weekend and I plan on indifferently rooting for both teams. M is super pissed about LeBron leaving Cleveland so maybe I can convince her to get sufficiently soused with me. I'll keep you guys updated.