Not like I haven't taken the whole week off, but whatever.
I've once again signed up for this deal called Bloggerstock, which will be explained henceforth, and note my use of Elizabethan phrasing or whatever the hell that was. I got teamed up with Puneeth at Rustic Reverie, who agreed to take over That Ain't Kosher for the day. So here's his shit.
Hi. This post is coming to you thanks to an idea called Bloggerstock.
Bloggerstock aims to create a "Blog-ring", where a group of people post on a common topic on each others' blog, creating a kind of a ringof posts. The bloggers are given a topic each month and they post on that topic.
This month's topic is Do-over. I'm going to talk about one thing that I'd like to do-over, given the hind-sight that I have after the event.
Bloggerstock: Do-over
There are a hundred thousand things that I felt like doing over -- doing better, doing differently, or refraining from doing -- after having done them. All sorts of things, from a pass in a game of football to an argument with a friend to the way I prepared for a test to the courses I took in college to the book(s) I (didn't) read, and so on...
But now, when I wish to write about one thing that I'd like to do-over, I'm really out of ideas. I'm in no position to write anything. Obviously, it's not the lack of instances or incidents.
There are, as I said, a hundred thousand things that I felt really bad or angry about and badly wanted to change the way I did them. Time has probably healed the injuries and relieved the pain. I don't feel so intensely about them, anymore.
In fact, I even have started to think they are an integral part of me. I wouldn't be me -- what I am today -- even if one of those things had been done differently. These things make up what I am. But, on some further thought, this begins to feel like, just an excuse to avoid thinking really hard about life. An excuse to avoid writing about something that I really want to do differently. Do over. More thought and Viola! I finally came up with some thing better. More realistic. More sensible. Less of an excuse. :P
I would re-live my college (read as a school, in American English) life, religiously writing into my journal every day. Each and every day! College has been a great learning experience --- I learn a lot of things (mostly out of class). A lot of things I'd like to go back to. Re-read. Recall. Ruminate upon. Re-learn. But often I fail. I'm lost.
I'm not able to go back, as well as I would like to. I've learnt some lessons, but I wish to go back and learn some new lessons. I wish to think about stuff, aloud. But I'm at a loss. I see no way. I can't go back as precisely and accurately as I'd have loved to. I really want to do-over my college life, and write into my diary each day of it.
I would've definitely written about something else now, if only I'd the habit of writing my diary diligently every day.
I hope to do that henceforth, at least.
So there's my Bloggerstock guest post. You can read my literary genius over at Witless Exposition, and because I love to pimp out my friends (maybe I'm in the wrong profession) check out Sara Nips' hilarious encounter on The Bear Monk's page. If you want to sign up for Bloggerstock next month (do it, or I will be PISSED), click the link here.
And speaking of guest bloggers, I'll finally deliver with my next post what I've been threatening for like eleven years already. Trust me, it's fucking epic.
I know you guys think I'm totally slacking off because I'm having too much fun passed out drunk on my friends' couches and sleeping until noon. Well, yes. But, also, no. I'm also busy being a good daughter/granddaughter/sister and helping my mom out around the house, and jetting off to different boroughs trying to find an Internet connection so I can get some work done and write some blog posts because I love you all. Wow, that was a mouthful (that's what she said).
Anyway, I've also been dropping off resumes and lining up interviews like a mofucker. It's been so long since I've been in the jobhunting game that I've forgotten what it's like to be out of it. I feel like I should be on Fast Animals, Slow Children.
The worst part of the process is that retarded questionnaire the places make you fill out with the Strongly Agree-Disagree-I Don't Give A Shit crap. Take a glimpse at some of the bullshit I had to pretend to care about in order to not make four dollars an hour:
I generally like everyone.
Strongly Disagree. Basically I just tolerate them until 5 o'clock.
Stealing is wrong.
Define "steal." Do you mean "steal" as in "take without asking if you intended to put it back later but forgot?" Or "I believe that everything was meant to be mine in the first place?"
All people are inherently good.
No. All people are looking to screw me and take credit for my ideas.
I do well under pressure.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
I respectmock authority.
I make friends easily.
Excuse me, does this rag smell like chloroform?
Describe an experience where you were faced with a stressful situation and explain how you dealt with the pressure. Would you have changed your behavior? Why or why not?
I remember this one time I was just starting college and I was piss-broke, so I took a shitty retail job. At the same time I was also working as an Assistant GM at a barwhere we had mandatory staff meetings every Sunday, which I made sure to tell the idiots at this other place. Of course, these NASA scientists forgot and scheduled me for a Sunday. I reminded my manager in advance about my staff meeting and she was totally cool, letting me come in at three the next day.
So I show up at three on Monday, drop my stuff in the back room, and there are four "higher-ups" in there with power-trip expressions on their faces. One of them "clued me in" to the fact that I'm three hours late. "No, I'm not," I tell him. "I'm on at three today." Another primate points to my name on the schedule at noon, even though I insist that I was told three by my manager, who just stands there like a fucking traitor with downcast eyes. Then everyone gets pissy because I "didn't show up yesterday" and didn't call. I was then informed that I was being let go.
"Are you fucking kidding me with this?" (That was my actual response) "I told you guys I couldn't work on Sundays when you hired me. Take this fake schedule and shove it up your ass." Then I looked at my bitch manager and told her to go fuck herself, and, by the way, "good luck finding anything more fulfilling than the fucking mall, you pussy."
Yeah, I don't work there anymore.
Would I have changed my behavior that day? Yes- I would have ordered them all killed.
Note: I don't really look like this.
Maybe I should work on my issues.
Anyway, a few of my interviews did go pretty well, and I'm hoping to hear back in a few weeks. In the meantime, I'm running out of funds, but I have a few fun weekends coming up, including a trip to Philly, (possibly) a Boston jaunt and some more family outings. I guess I'll have to rely on my dazzling good looks and striking personality when I inevitably contract Dry Wallet Syndrome (among other stuff- hey-o!).
BTW, if any of you are hanging around NYC, drop me an email- thataintkosher83@gmail.com.
I feel like I should post something soon, or you're all going to leave me. This is going to be kind of half-assed. Sorry.
First of all, can I mention that I've been in a really good fucking mood since I arrived back home last week? I've been crashing at my grandma's/mom's apartment in an area of Brooklyn that no one's ever heard of, and there's no internet connection and like, three channels on their TV. But you know what? It's awesome because I'm BACK IN NEW YORK! Except for one night where Mother Nature had a catfight with PMS and sent a tornado to the tri-state area, the weather's been absolutely perfect. I don't miss California at all. I never want to go back (not like you thought I would anyway).
I've spent this first weekend doing Jew-y things with my family due to Yom Kippur, and then on Sunday hopped the MTA to my brothers' place to catch some football and the Broken Social Scene concert. I've been pigging out on amazing pizza, delicious bagels, and other luxuries that LA ignores. Starting on Monday I'll be doing the social thing, catching up with the friends I left behind and maybe even some of my fellow bloggers, a few of who've graciously (insanely?) agreed to take over this site during my absence to save all of you from your impending deep depression. (I'm not telling you who, although I will say this: be jealous. They're both pretty unbelievable.)
So anyway, while all of this has been going on, I finally got the chance to catch up on the Internet today. I apparently missed a lot of shit while I was playing Amish:
A bunch of you have commented on my last couple of posts, and I've been unable to respond. Sorry! I've fixed it. Go here and here.
Also, it's frightening how much I've actually missed the Nip Clique in the 20sb Chat. I wish I could be there, but I trust the rest of you have taken over in the state of my truancy (especially you, Nips). I hope you guys have actually noticed that I'm gone and I don't come off like a total retard.
Speaking of 20sb, thank you to Lilly from A Pre-life Crisis who was deranged yet sensational enough to bestow me with the Versatile Blogger award. I don't actually know how "versatile" I am, but any accolades are always welcome. This marks the second time Lilly's given me some kind of trophy, which must mean she loves me.
Because it's now my duty to pass this on to my own Versatile Bloggers, I give you the following:
Sara Nips @ Sara Swears A Lot (everyone vote for her for Featured Blogger for October on 20sb. We're taking it over. Trust.)
So that's what's been going on with me for the past few days, and why I've been totally slacking off with my posting. I'll try to get some shit in soon, but in the meantime, you always have my blogroll. Or you could always, I don't know, find a hobby or something.
For those of you that haven't been around me for the last week and a half, count yourself among the lucky ones because that means you haven't heard me not shut up about my foray into New York City. I'm finally getting on a plane (tomorrow!) and heading back into my hometown. I'll be raising hell with my friends, pestering my family and embarking on the dreaded interview process. If all goes well, I'll get far the fuck away from Los Angeles and wind up in NYC forever.
To commemorate this upcoming excursion, this month's Aural Sex celebrates my favorite bands that hail from New York City. These are the bands that dominate my iPod, that I shell out to see live one or 100 times, whose websites I have bookmarked (or secretly have in my Mac history- sometimes I'm kind of a hipster).
Anyway, here's my list. I couldn't narrow down my top 10, so I did 12. Sue me. They're ranked in the order of how much I love them and how big of an influence they each had on my musical upbringing:
ESSENTIAL NYC PLAYLIST:
THE VELVET UNDERGROUND
The Velvet Underground was one of the first artists to emerge from the New York City punk scene, the first genre of music I really discovered on my own as a kid (Raffi and shit like that doesn't count- I was three and couldn't yet distinguish between "suck-ass" and "not suck-ass."
While they never technically gained commercial success, The Velvet Underground is still considered to be one of music's most influential groups. Rolling Stone ranked them as their 19th Greatest Artist of all Time, with the 13th Greatest Album (The Velvet Underground & Nico). The album cover itself is arguably one of the most recognizable pieces of pop-culture art of the last hundred years.
The band, famously managed by Andy Warhol, broke up and came back together several times with multiple line-up changes, but the two most well-known members were Lou Reed and John Cale, both of whom went on to find substantial success as solo artists. The band has since reunited to manage their own back catalog, but no performances are planned.
While I'm a pretty big fan of The Velvet Underground in general, I'm not including Lou Reed on this list because I can take or leave his solo stuff. However, if you'd like to check him out on iTunes, feel free. He's still an icon.
Sweet Jane (Loaded)
Venus In Furs (The Velvet Underground & Nico)
All Tomorrow's Parties (The Velvet Underground & Nico)
There She Goes Again (The Velvet Underground & Nico)
Heroin (the song, not actual heroin, you sick fucks) (The Velvet Underground & Nico)
NEW YORK DOLLS
New York Dolls had to be on this list because they have New York in their name. They formed in 1971 and were one of the first bands to blow the doors off of the New York City punk scene that would later spawn acts such as Blondie, The Ramones and Talking Heads (more on all of them later). I'm terrified of dolls, so normally I would stay away from these guys, but their music really spoke to me when I was in junior high, despite the fact that they'd been broken up for twenty years. Plus it's hard to be afraid of a bunch of guys that dress up like chicks.
In 2004, the three surviving members of the dolls (David Johansen, Arthur Kane and Sylvain Sylvain) were contacted by Morrissey for a reunion. Kane died a few months later, but the band is currently still together, and the lineup consists of Johansen, Sylvain and three new members.
Here's a fun fact, BTW: My dad actually met them when he was still cool and playing shows with his band in New York when he was in college.
Personality Crisis (New York Dolls)
Looking For A Kiss (New York Dolls)
Subway Train (New York Dolls)
Seven Day Weekend (A Hard Day's Night)
ABSOLUTELY DO NOT DOWNLOAD:
"Hot Hot Hot." This is NOT New York Dolls; this is Buster Poindexter, the alter ego of Dolls frontman David Johansen. "Hot Hot Hot" is one of the most obnonoxious tracks ever recorded, and unfortunately, it's also one of the most ubiquitous. Do not, under any circumstances, listen to this song unless you've been threatened with slow, painful death.
MGMT
I first came across MGMT while I was hanging out with a bunch of hipsters in Williamsburg. I know it's almost considered uncool to listen to them, and at first I actually found them really annoying. However, one of my friends had "Kids" on constant rotation and would play it ad nauseum at his house parties, so I started to get used to it. Then I liked it. Then I loved it. Then I started working out to it.
Pretty soon EVERYONE was into them, even Spin magazine. Normally I shun Spin magazine's opinion, because, like I said, Hooray For Hipsters!, but I can't help myself. MGMT is SO GOOD. They're everywhere now, even picking up multiple Grammys.
Kids (Oracular Spectacular)
Time To Pretend (Oracular Spectacular)
Electric Feel (Oracular Spectacular)
Brian Eno (Congratulations)
Flash Delirium (Congratulations)
BLONDIE
Blondie was a great addition to the New York City punk scene because the "frontman" was actually a hot chick. The band itself straddles multiple musical genres- they were lumped into the punk category, but their albums also incorporated new wave, rap, pop and reggae.
Parallel Lines, released in 1978,is listed among Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Albums of all time, and the band was specially commissioned to record the single "Call Me" for the Richard Gere film American Gigolo. (PS, ladies- Richard Gere is naked in the movie. Like, NAKED naked. It's pretty fucking awesome.)
Lead singer Debbie Harry is an icon among women in rock- after a 15-year breakup in 1982, Blondie reformed and still performs today in support of their upcoming new material. In 2006, Blondie was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Heart of Glass (Parallel Lines)
Call Me (American Gigolo soundtrack)
Rapture (Autoamerican)
Rip Her To Shreds (Blondie)
The Tide Is High (Autoamerican)
("One Way Or Another" doesn't count. I really hate that song.)
NADA SURF
Nada Surf is still relatively unknown even though they've been kicking around for almost 20 years. They have an interesting sound- they're a Brooklyn-based band that's reminiscent of the laid-back SoCal vibe.
I've been listening to Nada Surf since junior high, when their song "Popular" was released. It's a pretty funny anthem about dickhead teenagers, and you've probably heard it already even if you don't know it yet. Even though the song got major airplay, I don't know anyone that knows who the fuck this band is, and that's really too bad because I've loved them for years.
Nada Surf is also something of a staple when it comes to covers, having been hand-picked by the music gurus from The O.C. to record their own version of OMD's "If You Leave," which was featured on one of the show's soundtracks and an episode from Season One when the show was still watchable. When the band was signed to Elektra, the idiots at the label "didn't hear a single," and had the band record a shit-ton of covers and release those instead. Their latest release, If I Had A Hi-Fi, consists solely of their interpretations of tracks from other artists.
I strongly recommend that you check these guys out. Trust me- have I ever steered you wrong?
You promised never to bring that up! I told you, it was a scavenger hunt!
Popular (High/Low)
Whose Authority (Lucky)
If You Leave (OMD cover- while you're at it, get the original, too) (Music From The O.C. Mix, Vol. 2)
Hi-Speed Soul (Let Go)
Zen Brain (High/Low)
IGGY AND THE STOOGES/IGGY POP
Technically, The Stooges are from Michigan, but the band itself got its real musical start from the New York City music scene, so they still belong on the list. Besides, I'm writing this column, and I say so. The Stooges were great because Iggy Pop is insane- he's one of those guys that you wonder how the fuck he's still alive. (PS- he later did some weird Nickelodeon shows. Two worlds collide, right?) The Stooges are especially note-worthy for me because Iggy Pop's solo stuff holds a place in my rotation as well.
There were also a couple of Stooges references on Lost, and I think it's pretty superfluous at this point to mention how obsessed I am with that show, so I'll just shut up and let you form your own opinions.
Despite their 1974 split, the band recently reunited and toured in support of their new material. I'll bet it was pretty sick, but I'm broke, so I missed it.
Search and Destroy (Raw Power)
Raw Power (Raw Power)
I Wanna Be Your Dog (The Stooges)
TV Eye (Funhouse)
Download This- Iggy Pop:
The Passenger (Lust For Life)
Lust For Life (Lust For Life)
Real Wild Child (Blah Blah Blah)
THE BRAVERY
The Bravery is pretty awesome. Their entire first album is amazing- I have every single track on my iPod. I actually saw them perform at Terminal 5 and they put on a pretty solid live act.
Their second album, The Sun and the Moon, was slightly disappointing, but I'd still count myself as a fan. Any band that got their start playing a residency at Arlene's Grocery will at least garner some of my respect.
Here's something interesting: apparently frontman Sam Endicott and keyboard player John Conway used to play in a ska band with Jonathan Togo from CSI:Miami. Huh. I had no idea. Togo's character gets exponentially more annoying and less relevant with each passing season, but the actor is probably a Bravery fan, so maybe I'll try to like him more.
Their entire first album, The Bravery
Believe (The Sun and the Moon)
THE RAMONES
The Ramones are perhaps the most influential band from the New York City punk era. I fell in love with their music shortly after hearing "Blitzkrieg Bop," and the Ramones are single-handedly responsible for ushering in my love of punk. My obsession with The Ramones allowed me to discover every other punk band on this list (although the fact that I was already getting into The Clash certainly helped).
Some haters will argue that The Ramones had no talent and all their songs have only three chords, or whatever. To them I say, Fuck You. Find me a musician who classifies themselves as a punk artist who doesn't list The Ramones as a colossal influence on their careers. Also, do you have a street in Greenwich Village named after you? I didn't think so. Eat me.
Blitzkrieg Bop (Ramones)
I Wanna Be Sedated (Road To Ruin)
Rockaway Beach (Rocket to Russia)
Sheena is A Punk Rocker (Rocket to Russia)
Rock 'N' Roll High School (Rock 'N' High School soundtrack)
Beat On The Brat (Ramones)
I Don't Care (Rocket to Russia) Spiderman Theme (Adios Amigos!)
TALKING HEADS
Both of my parents turned me onto Talking Heads at a really young age, so they're one of the first bands I remember listening to as a kid. This is the only reason that they're SLIGHTLY ahead of The Ramones on this list- they've been part of my life for longer. Four of their albums made Rolling Stone's Greatest Albums list- that's pretty fucking impressive for a band with only one Top 10 American hit, no? In 2002, the band was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Part of what made Talking Heads so great was that David Byrne is such a gigantic asshole. He's publicly stated on multiple occasions that Talking heads will never get back together, and that the closest the rest of us will ever get are our old Talking Heads albums and the stupid Tom Tom Club, the side project of bassist Tina Weymouth and drummer Chris Frantz. What a dick.
Weymouth and Frantz supposedly live really close to New York City, though. How cool would it be if I could totally find them?
Once In A Lifetime (Remain In Light)
Psycho Killer (Talking Heads)
Burning Down The House (Speaking In Tongues)
And She Was (Little Creatures)
Take Me To The River (More Songs About Buildings and Food)
This Must Be The Place (Speaking In Tongues)
INTERPOL
Interpol is on my list of bands that I love but have never seen live. They're actually on tour right now but I'm still unemployed, so that's not happening. (PS- Chanukkah is coming up in a few months, for any of you that are feeling generous. <3 <3 <3) Not only is this band based out of New York City, but they show the love by giving their official site the address of interpolnyc.com, which only forces me to love them even more.
I've been listening to Interpol for probably about ten years- definitely since college, and I thought they were from the UK when I first heard them. Then I found out that we hailed from the same city, and I got super excited. Somehow I always missed when they were on tour, and now that I know about their current shows, there's a cruel joke being played on me in the form of my laughable bank account. I hate you, bank founder, wherever you are (probably dead already).
Anyway, Interpol emerged as one of the premier indie bands of the 2000's, and was signed to Capitol after their commercial success. The album that Capitol released in 2007 was Interpol's first with a major label (they started with Matador) and honestly, kind of blew.
I think the band realized that, because they went back to their indie roots and re-signed with Matador. They just put out the self-titled Interpol last week, and it is every bit as great as I was hoping. If you don't listen to them yet, seriously; you should.
Slow Hands (Antics)
Evil (Antics)
Lights (Interpol)
C'mere (Antics)
Narc (Antics)
Barricade (Interpol)
NYC (Turn On The Bright Lights)
THE STROKES/ALBERT HAMMOND, JR.
I really don't want to be one of those douches who's all, "Oh, I was listening to these guys before anyone else, blah blah, whatever."
But you know what? Fuck it. I randomly saw The Strokes play at a club in Brooklyn before they were signed and I knew that they would be huge- and that was before it was common knowledge that the singer was John Casablancas' son.
Ever since then I've been following The Strokes. I've seen them live probably five or six times. (I even "accidentally" went to an Albert Hammond, Jr. solo performance- he opened for Bloc Party, and I didn't even know until the opening act was announced. He was phenomenal, BTW.) I own all their albums and downloaded their soundtrack tunes. I would have bought Julian Casablancas' solo album, also, but I heard it and it was a huge disappointment. It doesn't sound anything like The Strokes- actually, it kind of sucks.
I'm in the category of "massive" Strokes fan- I will see them every time they tour near me. It helps that Julian Casablancas is a big-time Mets fan, so he probably shares my pain right now. Also, the "News" section on their website is done up to look like the New York Post.
They have a new album coming out soon, and I'm already there. Until then, here's some awesome stuff for you to listen to.
Most NYC-Worthy Album: Close. All of their CD's are pretty epic. But if I absolutely had to narrow it down, their first album was what really made me fall in love with them, and keep shelling out money for concert tickets. So if I really, REALLY had to, I would go with Is This It.
Download This- The Strokes:
Last Nite (Is This It)
Juicebox (First Impressions of Earth)
Hard To Explain (Is This It)
Heart In A Cage (First Impressions of Earth)
Reptilia (Room On Fire)
You Only Live Once (First Impressions of Earth) 12:51 (Room On Fire)
Someday (Is This It)
The Modern Age (Is This It)
Ize of the World (First Impressions of Earth)
What Ever Happened (Marie Antoinette Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)
When It Started (Spiderman- Music From and Inspired By)
Download This- Albert Hammond, Jr.:
Postal Blowfish (Yours To Keep)
Hard To Live In The City (OMFGG- Original Music Featured on "Gossip Girl" No. 1)
Everyone Gets A Star (Yours To Keep)
BEASTIE BOYS
It was tough to choose between my #1 and #2, but the Beastie Boys have more songs that everyone likes, and they're also more synonymous with New York City in general. They've also been around for longer. I understand that that's an unfair advantage, due to the generation gap, but hey, sometimes life sucks.
I'm a Brooklyn Jew myself, and the Beastie Boys are representations of both rap and rock, so they've always been somewhat of an influence on my life. I never wanted to be a rapper, of course, but I've always felt somewhat connected to the music business. I don't know what it is about them, particularly, since I can't stand rap as a whole, but there's just something about the Beastie Boys in general. I just love them. I always have. They don't take themselves too seriously; although they should, they're considered legends in the industry. And BTW, have you guys seen the video for Sabotage? It's a classic.
The Beastie Boys are kept in such high regard because they're still around today, although now they're less about partying and more in favor of womens' rights and freeing Tibet. I hope they never split up. I'll probably go into shock or start crying or something.
Most NYC-Worthy Album: Oh, shit. All of them? I can't do that, can I? Every single album Beastie Boys have put out have at least five or six outstanding tracks on it. Are you really going to make me do this?
Fine. I pick Licensed To Ill. No, Ill Communication. Maybe Paul's Boutique? No, definitely Licensed To Ill! That one.
Download This:
Sabatoge (Ill Communication)
No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn (Licensed To Ill)
Brass Monkey (Licensed To Ill)
Fight For Your Right (To Party) (Licensed To Ill)
Paul Revere (Licensed To Ill)
So Watcha Want (Check Your Head)
Sure Shot (Ill Communication)
Intergalactic (Hello Nasty)
Body Movin' (Hello Nasty)
Ch-Check It Out (To the 5 Boroughs)
The Sounds Of Science (Paul's Boutique)
Girls (Licensed To Ill)
Hey Ladies (Paul's Boutique)
There are my picks for the musical acts that married my two greatest loves: New York City and music. Let me know who influenced you guys, and if anyone relevant came out of your hometown.
Also, I'll be back home for at least two weeks, so I'll probably slack on some of my posts. Sorry, but that's just the way it is. Don't worry, I have some guest posters coming up for you guys in order to quench your Kosher thirst.
Haha! You didn't actually believe me, did you? Yeah, I didn't think so.
So, some announcements today:
The amazingly fucking fabulous Coyote Rose has bequeathed me with the One Lovely Blog award.
This is my second time winning this, and it doesn't get any less excellent the second time around. Now I have to list seven things about myself that no one actually wants to know. So here I go:
1) I love, LOVE office supply stores, probably because I have a fetish for multi-colored liqui-gel pens.
It's almost arousing.
2) I'm obsessed with anything chocolate, but I hate chocolate ice cream. Go figure. I also don't drink coffee, but I love coffee ice cream.
3) If I don't wind up back in New York City, my second choice of residence is either Philadelphia or Boston, even though I loathe the Phillies, the Flyers and the Patriots.
4) I used to be totally obsessed with frogs and had one as a pet when I was a kid.
5) I've always wanted to dye my hair red but I'm afraid I'll look seriously retarded, so I don't.
6) I secretly love those word search books- I have two in my room right now.
7) I can fall asleep on airplanes within five minutes, but not on trains or in cars. I know, what the fuck?
Now here are the Lovely Bloggers I'm handing this off to:
Also- pants off to Danaconda @ From the Head of the Danaconda for dominating the "Featured Blogger for September" award at 20sb. Everyone knew he would win, but it was still so awesome when he did.
What made it even sweeter was that the site listed him as "Danacanda" for days until a bunch of us started a forum under the "Make a Difference/Charity" category to get his name corrected- and it actually worked. For those of you 20sber's who've ever wondered what "that fucking sound" is, it's the magical bells of the Nip Clique that hangs in the chat room all day when we should be filing papers or whatever the hell it is everyone pretends to do at work. We're slowly taking over the site- it can't be denied.
It started with "The Nips 'N' Nugs VERY Happy Hour," hosted by myself and Sara from Sara Swears A Lot. Pretty soon we had convinced half the chat to convert their monikers into something having to do with boobs, and it escalated from there. The shit that goes on in the 20sb chat is pretty disgusting- if it intensifies anymore it's going to turn into a full-on 60's-style orgy. The girls are way worse than the guys, too. We talk about stuff that would make your head spin around and explode.
Speaking of Sara Nips, as she's lovingly referred to on the site, she and I are planning a super fucking fantastic NEW ORLEANS weekend for sometime in the next month (it was supposed to be next weekend, but I had to bail on her because I am a terrible friend). And because we love all of you, we're going all out in the blogosphere and attempting to pull off not only a giveaway, but also a drunken vlog (an intoxivlog, if you will). Expect some beads, boobs, and a whole bunch of shit-talking. In any case, it's going to be really fucking insane. (PS- part of the reason we're even doing the intoxivlog is so we can remember the weekend in the first place. Shit's gonna get real.)
Not only is that really happening, but there's also a meme going around the blogoverse right now entitled "Seven Things." The title is really vague, and it can be about whatever you want- seven things about you, seven favorite TV shows, seven bodily functions that make you laugh like an eight-year-old, etc. Nips passed it on to me, and I knew immediately what my topic was going to be:
SEVEN CREATIVE ALTERNATE USES FOR CONDOMS
Please. Like you would expect anything less.
I was going to do this in vlog form, but I'm too fucking lazy, and I also really didn't feel like embarrassing myself at the Rite-Aid. So use your imagination, and try not to jerk it too hard when you associate me with anything sexual.
1) FANCIFUL RAIN HAT
Ever been outside on a bright sunny day when all of a sudden that bitch Mother Nature has other ideas, but you're stuck without an umbrella? No problem; just take that unused Trojan out of your wallet and place it atop your head! Your style stays in place, and your hair stays dry! Plus you can decorate it and make it all pretty.
2) TURTLE OVERCOAT
For those nights when Shelldon gets cold and his jacket is in the wash.
3) WATER BALLOON FIGHT
Try this at your next party: When there's a lull in the conversation, find your box of prophylactics. Everyone picks one out, fills it with water, and ties the bottom. BAM! Water balloons. (May also substitute with alcohol) Bonus: wet t-shirts may lead to the real usage of condoms.
4) DOG TUXEDO
This only works with the magnum-sized condoms. If your dog has a black-tie affair to attend, such as a wedding or ball or some crap like that, but all his formal wear just isn't cutting it, a rubber just may do the trick. Grab a black Sharpie (or a colored one, if he's feeling festive), draw a suit pattern and bow tie on the love glove, and your puppy will have a nice, new suit in less time than it would take to order one online.
5) BAD-ASS SHOE PROTECTOR
This is one I might actually try. I have a shoe fetish, and a lot of the pairs that I own are pretty expensive and shouldn't be coming into contact with mud or grass or anything that might cause them physical damage. I probably shouldn't even be wearing them standing up, which is why it makes sense that I'm combining shoes and condoms in the first place, if you get what I'm saying.
Anyway.
Say you have a pair of footwear that cost you a shit-ton of cash and you don't want to ruin them. Not an issue- wrap them in a condom and then wear them all night, in any weather condition! It also would probably help to prevent blisters, too. Why has no one thought of this?
6) STEALTH HAIR ACCESSORY
This is so easy I'm surprised no one has done this yet. Condoms can work as a headband, a ponytail holder, etc. The best part is when you take your hair down in front of a guy at the end of the night, he'll see the condom and automatically think of sex. WIN!
7) MONEY-SAVING TOOTH WHITENER
There a lot of things that people put in their mouths that are known to be champion tooth-stainers. I know you're probably going the pervert route right now, but I'm actually talking wine, coffee, even cigarettes- none of that gross stuff that I know you're thinking about (and this is why I love you all). Instead of emptying your bank account for premium dental procedures, why not just attach a condom to your teeth, and eat and drink whatever the hell you want, whenever you want? No food and beverage will ever touch any of your molars, and they'll stay pearly white forever (not recommended with the lubed kind).
God, this shit just sells itself, doesn't it?
So now I'm supposed to pass this on to seven other champion bloggers. Understand that this is not a challenge to be as funny as I am, but it would certainly help if you tried:
So there's my seven things meme. I finally did it, so everybody quit bitching. And girls, if you can, please do your seven things in vlog form, because that would be epic.
