Wednesday, September 22, 2010

PROCESS THIS

I know you guys think I'm totally slacking off because I'm having too much fun passed out drunk on my friends' couches and sleeping until noon. Well, yes. But, also, no. I'm also busy being a good daughter/granddaughter/sister and helping my mom out around the house, and jetting off to different boroughs trying to find an Internet connection so I can get some work done and write some blog posts because I love you all. Wow, that was a mouthful (that's what she said).

Anyway, I've also been dropping off resumes and lining up interviews like a mofucker. It's been so long since I've been in the jobhunting game that I've forgotten what it's like to be out of it. I feel like I should be on Fast Animals, Slow Children.



The worst part of the process is that retarded questionnaire the places make you fill out with the Strongly Agree-Disagree-I Don't Give A Shit crap. Take a glimpse at some of the bullshit I had to pretend to care about in order to not make four dollars an hour:

I generally like everyone.
Strongly Disagree. Basically I just tolerate them until 5 o'clock.



Stealing is wrong.
Define "steal." Do you mean "steal" as in "take without asking if you intended to put it back later but forgot?" Or "I believe that everything was meant to be mine in the first place?"

All people are inherently good.
No. All people are looking to screw me and take credit for my ideas.

I do well under pressure.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!

respect  mock authority.


I make friends easily.
Excuse me, does this rag smell like chloroform?


Describe an experience where you were faced with a stressful situation and explain how you dealt with the pressure. Would you have changed your behavior? Why or why not?
I remember this one time I was just starting college and I was piss-broke, so I took a shitty retail job. At the same time I was also working as an Assistant GM at a bar where we had mandatory staff meetings every Sunday, which I made sure to tell the idiots at this other place. Of course, these NASA scientists forgot and scheduled me for a Sunday. I reminded my manager in advance about my staff meeting and she was totally cool, letting me come in at three the next day.

So I show up at three on Monday, drop my stuff in the back room, and there are four "higher-ups" in there with power-trip expressions on their faces. One of them "clued me in" to the fact that I'm three hours late. "No, I'm not," I tell him. "I'm on at three today." Another primate points to my name on the schedule at noon, even though I insist that I was told three by my manager, who just stands there like a fucking traitor with downcast eyes. Then everyone gets pissy because I "didn't show up yesterday" and didn't call. I was then informed that I was being let go.

"Are you fucking kidding me with this?" (That was my actual response) "I told you guys I couldn't work on Sundays when you hired me. Take this fake schedule and shove it up your ass." Then I looked at my bitch manager and told her to go fuck herself, and, by the way, "good luck finding anything more fulfilling than the fucking mall, you pussy."

Yeah, I don't work there anymore.

Would I have changed my behavior that day? Yes- I would have ordered them all killed.

Note: I don't really look like this.


Maybe I should work on my issues.

Anyway, a few of my interviews did go pretty well, and I'm hoping to hear back in a few weeks. In the meantime, I'm running out of funds, but I have a few fun weekends coming up, including a trip to Philly, (possibly) a Boston jaunt and some more family outings. I guess I'll have to rely on my dazzling good looks and striking personality when I inevitably contract Dry Wallet Syndrome (among other stuff- hey-o!).

BTW, if any of you are hanging around NYC, drop me an email- thataintkosher83@gmail.com.

11 comments:

CkretsGalore said...

I've never had to do a questionnaire like that but if I did I would have the same feelings.

Fucking bullshit cookie cutter answers.

But Anyways...Good luck with the job hunt and have a fantastic time with your family!

Bretsyboo said...

I would love to spend the rest of eternity with you, but as you are Jewish and thus going to Hell, well, there are limits to my love. I'll think about it though. Maybe we can work out weekend visitation rights or something.

The worst question for me when it comes to new jobs is, "Would you rather work alone, or with others?" Because the answer is ALWAYS with others. They ALWAYS want to know that you work well in groups. Frankly I think I do work pretty well in groups in the sense that I don't choke someone on the spot whenever they say something idiotic. Of course I'm better alone than with others. If I were better with others than just going at it by myself, I'd probably have several STD's by now. Idiots.

The PWT said...

Just for fun you oughta try to finish the online application for Kroger foods. It's about 30 pages long, complete with something like a 50 page questionaire (agree, disagree, fuck off!). All so you can check out/stock groceries at Dillon's/Baker's stores. So not even going to happen!

Christina In Wonderland said...

I think you're my long-lost personality twin. And I hate those damn questionnaires too. It's like, one of the worst effing evil things on the planet. And EVERYONE lies...

orion said...

Sounds like the time I was punished at work for going to a funeral...wtf!?

Also, the last part may as well have read, "I'm going broke and I need a wealthy internet person to pay for anything, I am versatile!"

.../shakes head.

Sara said...

I generally like everyone.
Strongly agree. Oh wait, that says LIKE? Whoops, I meant, FUCK THAT SHIT. OF COURSE I DON'T.

Stealing is wrong.
Taking pens, binders, notebooks, copy paper, printer ink, and lamps home from the office to use for my own personal schooling isn't stealing, right?

All people are inherently good.
If by "all people" you mean "absolutely fucking nobody" then yes. Yes, they are.

I do well under pressure.
Well when I can tell that a dude is about to ahem, finish, I can usually get mine done pretty quickly too and that's DEFINITE pressure so I think I'm good.

I respect authority.
What? Hm. Not sure I understand this concept.

Describe an experience where you were faced with a stressful situation and explain how you dealt with the pressure. Would you have changed your behavior? Why or why not?
I hated a girl at work. I called her a word that may or may not rhyme with the word runt on my facebook. I got fired.

TOTALLY. WORTH. IT.

Paige said...

i think im going to be up in nyc this week heyo! good luck with the interviews yo i bet you nailed them

That Ain't Kosher said...

@Ckrets- Thanks! You know I'll be keeping you posted!

@Boo- I love you too. Let's elope and "not" strangle people together.

@PWT- Seriously? I'm totally doing that. I'll let you know how it goes, and how many people get maimed in the process.

@Christina- Totally! Let's be BFF's. Forever and ever and ever. Like those creepy kids in The Shining.

@0rion- Wow. THAT'S fucked up.

@Nips- OH MY GOD. Please fill out one of these and email it to me. I love you.

@Paige- Word. Drop me an email when you get in!

Nicole said...

No. All people are looking to screw me and take credit for my ideas.

EXACTLY. We are not paranoid. This is what is actually happening. I'm glad somebody else understands.

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

People are bastards. They are stealing my brilliant ideas constantly.

As a doctor friend of mine says, not so much in jest: Just because you are clinically paranoid, doesnt mean they arent all watching you...

That Ain't Kosher said...

@Nicole- Absolutely. We should start our own company.

@Brahm- What are some of these brilliant ideas? Are they locked in a safe somewhere, because they should be.