PROCESS THIS

I know you guys think I'm totally slacking off because I'm having too much fun passed out drunk on my friends' couches and sleeping until noon. Well, yes. But, also, no. I'm also busy being a good daughter/granddaughter/sister and helping my mom out around the house, and jetting off to different boroughs trying to find an Internet connection so I can get some work done and write some blog posts because I love you all. Wow, that was a mouthful (that's what she said).

Anyway, I've also been dropping off resumes and lining up interviews like a mofucker. It's been so long since I've been in the jobhunting game that I've forgotten what it's like to be out of it. I feel like I should be on Fast Animals, Slow Children.



The worst part of the process is that retarded questionnaire the places make you fill out with the Strongly Agree-Disagree-I Don't Give A Shit crap. Take a glimpse at some of the bullshit I had to pretend to care about in order to not make four dollars an hour:

I generally like everyone.
Strongly Disagree. Basically I just tolerate them until 5 o'clock.

Stealing is wrong.
Define "steal." Do you mean "steal" as in "take without asking if you intended to put it back later but forgot?" Or "I believe that everything was meant to be mine in the first place?"

All people are inherently good.
No. All people are looking to screw me and take credit for my ideas.

I do well under pressure.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I respect  mock authority.


I make friends easily.
Excuse me, does this rag smell like chloroform?

Describe an experience where you were faced with a stressful situation and explain how you dealt with the pressure. Would you have changed your behavior? Why or why not?
I remember this one time I was just starting college and I was piss-broke, so I took a shitty retail job. At the same time I was also working as an Assistant GM at a bar where we had mandatory staff meetings every Sunday, which I made sure to tell the idiots at this other place. Of course, these NASA scientists forgot and scheduled me for a Sunday. I reminded my manager in advance about my staff meeting and she was totally cool, letting me come in at three the next day.

So I show up at three on Monday, drop my stuff in the back room, and there are four "higher-ups" in there with power-trip expressions on their faces. One of them "clued me in" to the fact that I'm three hours late. "No, I'm not," I tell him. "I'm on at three today." Another primate points to my name on the schedule at noon, even though I insist that I was told three by my manager, who just stands there like a fucking traitor with downcast eyes. Then everyone gets pissy because I "didn't show up yesterday" and didn't call. I was then informed that I was being let go.

"Are you fucking kidding me with this?" (That was my actual response) "I told you guys I couldn't work on Sundays when you hired me. Take this fake schedule and shove it up your ass." Then I looked at my bitch manager and told her to go fuck herself, and, by the way, "good luck finding anything more fulfilling than the fucking mall, you pussy."

Yeah, I don't work there anymore.

Would I have changed my behavior that day? Yes- I would have ordered them all killed.

Note: I don't really look like this.

Maybe I should work on my issues.

Anyway, a few of my interviews did go pretty well, and I'm hoping to hear back in a few weeks. In the meantime, I'm running out of funds, but I have a few fun weekends coming up, including a trip to Philly, (possibly) a Boston jaunt and some more family outings. I guess I'll have to rely on my dazzling good looks and striking personality when I inevitably contract Dry Wallet Syndrome (among other stuff- hey-o!).

BTW, if any of you are hanging around NYC, drop me an email- thataintkosher83@gmail.com.