Friday, September 10, 2010

I'M GOING TO BE COMPLETELY APPROPRIATE TODAY

Haha! You didn't actually believe me, did you? Yeah, I didn't think so.

So, some announcements today:

The amazingly fucking fabulous Coyote Rose has bequeathed me with the One Lovely Blog award.



This is my second time winning this, and it doesn't get any less excellent the second time around. Now I have to list seven things about myself that no one actually wants to know. So here I go:

1) I love, LOVE office supply stores, probably because I have a fetish for multi-colored liqui-gel pens. 


It's almost arousing.

2) I'm obsessed with anything chocolate, but I hate chocolate ice cream. Go figure. I also don't drink coffee,
but I love coffee ice cream.

3) If I don't wind up back in New York City, my second choice of residence is either Philadelphia or Boston,
even though I loathe the Phillies, the Flyers and the Patriots.

4) I used to be totally obsessed with frogs and had one as a pet when I was a kid.

5) I've always wanted to dye my hair red but I'm afraid I'll look seriously retarded, so I don't.

6) I secretly love those word search books- I have two in my room right now.

7) I can fall asleep on airplanes within five minutes, but not on trains or in cars.
I know, what the fuck?

Now here are the Lovely Bloggers I'm handing this off to:

The awesome bloggess @ Date Me, D.C.! (I know her name, but probably shouldn't post it)
Nicole @ Sweeney Says
Rox  @ Getting There

Also- pants off to Danaconda @ From the Head of the Danaconda for dominating the "Featured Blogger for September" award at 20sb. Everyone knew he would win, but it was still so awesome when he did.

What made it even sweeter was that the site listed him as "Danacanda" for days until a bunch of us started a forum under the "Make a Difference/Charity" category to get his name corrected- and it actually worked. For those of you 20sber's who've ever wondered what "that fucking sound" is, it's the magical bells of the Nip Clique that hangs in the chat room all day when we should be filing papers or whatever the hell it is everyone pretends to do at work. We're slowly taking over the site- it can't be denied.

It started with "The Nips 'N' Nugs VERY Happy Hour," hosted by myself and Sara from Sara Swears A Lot. Pretty soon we had convinced half the chat to convert their monikers into something having to do with boobs, and it escalated from there. The shit that goes on in the 20sb chat is pretty disgusting- if it intensifies anymore it's going to turn into a full-on 60's-style orgy. The girls are way worse than the guys, too. We talk about stuff that would make your head spin around and explode.

Speaking of Sara Nips, as she's lovingly referred to on the site, she and I are planning a super fucking fantastic NEW ORLEANS weekend for sometime in the next month (it was supposed to be next weekend, but I had to bail on her because I am a terrible friend). And because we love all of you, we're going all out in the blogosphere and attempting to pull off not only a giveaway, but also a drunken vlog (an intoxivlog, if you will). Expect some beads, boobs, and a whole bunch of shit-talking. In any case, it's going to be really fucking insane. (PS- part of the reason we're even doing the intoxivlog is so we can remember the weekend in the first place. Shit's gonna get real.)


Not only is that really happening, but there's also a meme going around the blogoverse right now entitled "Seven Things." The title is really vague, and it can be about whatever you want- seven things about you, seven favorite TV shows, seven bodily functions that make you laugh like an eight-year-old, etc. Nips passed it on to me, and I knew immediately what my topic was going to be:

SEVEN CREATIVE ALTERNATE USES FOR CONDOMS



Please. Like you would expect anything less.


I was going to do this in vlog form, but I'm too fucking lazy, and I also really didn't feel like embarrassing myself at the Rite-Aid. So use your imagination, and try not to jerk it too hard when you associate me with anything sexual.





1) FANCIFUL RAIN HAT


Ever been outside on a bright sunny day when all of a sudden that bitch Mother Nature has other ideas, but you're stuck without an umbrella? No problem; just take that unused Trojan out of your wallet and place it atop your head! Your style stays in place, and your hair stays dry! Plus you can decorate it and make it all pretty.


2) TURTLE OVERCOAT


For those nights when Shelldon gets cold and his jacket is in the wash.





3) WATER BALLOON FIGHT


Try this at your next party: When there's a lull in the conversation, find your box of prophylactics. Everyone picks one out, fills it with water, and ties the bottom. BAM! Water balloons. (May also substitute with alcohol) Bonus: wet t-shirts may lead to the real usage of condoms.




4) DOG TUXEDO


This only works with the magnum-sized condoms. If your dog has a black-tie affair to attend, such as a wedding or ball or some crap like that, but all his formal wear just isn't cutting it, a rubber just may do the trick. Grab a black Sharpie (or a colored one, if he's feeling festive), draw a suit pattern and bow tie on the love glove, and your puppy will have a nice, new suit in less time than it would take to order one online.





5) BAD-ASS SHOE PROTECTOR


This is one I might actually try. I have a shoe fetish, and a lot of the pairs that I own are pretty expensive and shouldn't be coming into contact with mud or grass or anything that might cause them physical damage. I probably shouldn't even be wearing them standing up, which is why it makes sense that I'm combining shoes and condoms in the first place, if you get what I'm saying.

Anyway.

Say you have a pair of footwear that cost you a shit-ton of cash and you don't want to ruin them. Not an issue- wrap them in a condom and then wear them all night, in any weather condition! It also would probably help to prevent blisters, too. Why has no one thought of this?

6) STEALTH HAIR ACCESSORY


This is so easy I'm surprised no one has done this yet. Condoms can work as a headband, a ponytail holder, etc. The best part is when you take your hair down in front of a guy at the end of the night, he'll see the condom and automatically think of sex. WIN!


7) MONEY-SAVING TOOTH WHITENER


There a lot of things that people put in their mouths that are known to be champion tooth-stainers. I know you're probably going the pervert route right now, but I'm actually talking wine, coffee, even cigarettes- none of that gross stuff that I know you're thinking about (and this is why I love you all). Instead of emptying your bank account for premium dental procedures, why not just attach a condom to your teeth, and eat and drink whatever the hell you want, whenever you want? No food and beverage will ever touch any of your molars, and they'll stay pearly white forever (not recommended with the lubed kind).





God, this shit just sells itself, doesn't it?


So now I'm supposed to pass this on to seven other champion bloggers. Understand that this is not a challenge to be as funny as I am, but it would certainly help if you tried:


Ginntastic @ Ginntastic
Jessica Maria @ Tried To Live Forever
McGriddle Pants @ Serenity Now!! Insanity Later

So there's my seven things meme. I finally did it, so everybody quit bitching. And girls, if you can, please do your seven things in vlog form, because that would be epic.

18 comments:

Miss Innocent said...

congratulations kosher! :) the badge matches you >.<

lol.. someone really needs to start a blog award badge that isn't sexually biased.

:)

Christina In Wonderland said...

First of all, I've been missing a good pseudo-orgy in the 20sb chat room? Are you kidding me? Why didn't no one inform me of this before? I think I might stop ignoring that sound one day now!

Secondly, you get mad props for the creative uses for condoms. Each of them is definitely an epic win.

Bretsyboo said...

When are you organizing the writers of the blog book? I'll be awaiting some updates...

this was good enough that I might start looking through your archives for MORE than just pictures with cleavage. Might.

Sara said...

INTOXIVLOG!!!!!!!!

The world won't know what to do with themselves after seeing BOTH of our hot selves on camera. But it will probably involve masturbation of some form.

Nicole said...

I am sad that I missed this particular chat, but appreciate this informative post. Also I might actually do this thing instead of blowing it off. Maybe.

Mei said...

Oh god, I sound like I'm 12 so I think I'm going to have to pass on Vlogging, but I'm going to have to think really hard on this one. :p

I do think everyone else should vlog AND demonstrate their uses. So there.

Today's safety word is "ourbills" if that's not a turn-off, I don't know what is.

Mei said...

And... I just figured out it could be any 7 things, we didn't all have to figure out 7 things to do with condoms.
My version was crazy hard. ><

That Ain't Kosher said...

@Innocent- Awww, thanks! If you feel like making me a badge, let me know.

@Christina- There's an orgy in there every day. I think I just found my reason #8.

@Boo- I swear I'll get around to it. I'm too busy organizing my cleve shots for you.

@Nips- I KNOW! I'm hoping they don't jerk it too hard. I might feel kind of bad. MIGHT.

Probably not, though.

@Nicole- Don't worry, it happens pretty much every day. You'll get your shot (that's what she said).

Please do this! I'll be sad.

@Mei- I just read yours! I'm totally going by "Mistress Taint" from now on.

PS-yeah, I noticed that a lot of the word verifications are vaguely sexual. Wait... is that just me?

Danaconda said...

Hey Kosh thanks for the shout.

On another note, if a guy has to pee really badly but isn't in a place where it's a possibility, I wonder if he could just put a condom on and pee in it.

jessica maria said...

HAHA - great topic pick for the seven things, as well as epic condom tuxedo. I'm not sure what my list shall be?! I have to mull it over, come up with some sort of not-boring list. OOF. :)

Bretsyboo said...

I'm kind of a little pissed and insulted that you have yet to update your blog since I have been coming around.

What kind of relationship is this anyway?

Gina said...

So. I just came over from the not-so-clean blog hop and I have to tell you that I almost fell out of my chair at your point about ice cream. I am exactly the same way. Love chocolate, hate chocolate ice cream. Hate coffee and love coffee ice cream.

So. Freaking. Weird.

Gina said...

So, I just came over from the grown-up blog hop, and I almost fell over at your comment about ice cream. I am the EXACT. SAME. WAY.

Nice to meet you. I'm totally nuts about my sweets.

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Okay, totally awesome post. Luuuv it!

Interesting and creative condom use ideas. You clearly did not ask a gay guy, we would have more. Except around the high holidays, that would be just wrong. Or would it...?

Is my first visit to your blog. I like it here, and may just stalk, er, I mean "follow" you now....

That Ain't Kosher said...

@Danaconda- That's a good one. Sometimes on long car trips I wish I were a dude so I can just whip it out and go anywhere. I mean, there's squatting, but it's not the same.

@Jessica- I have faith in you; that's why you're on my list! Can't wait to see what you come up with!

@Boo- it's a fake one; in your head. I'm afraid.

@Gina- That IS weird- are you inside my head??? Anyway, I'm going to check out your blog right now.

@Brahm- That would actually be pretty right. By "high" holidays, do you mean actually high?

Anyway, thanks for following; I love stalkers. They make me feel popular. And what are these other condom uses, BTW? I'm intrigued...

Paige said...

heyo! congrats on the award yo! I've got your guest post almost done...just fixing the final kinks. it will be in your inbox very very soon

That Ain't Kosher said...

Thanks! And take your time- you still have a couple of weeks before it goes up.

PS- haha. "Kinks."

Lilly said...

Yes I got a two-fer!! Awesome. I'll do my best to make you proud.