Tuesday, September 07, 2010

THE RELOCATION CHRONICLES, CHAPTER SEVEN: SPANK YOU VERY MUCH, CALIFORNIA

Now that Labor Day weekend has come, raided the liquor cabinet and gone, the state of California is really driving it in that summer is over. Today I woke up to disgusting clouds and an absent sun, and the prediction for the next ten days doesn't look much more promising.

And here's the forecast for New York City for the next week and a half, according to weather.com.

What the fuck, Southern California??? My friends back home are supposed to be jealous of me, not the other way around. Do you think that just because little kids are forced to ride the school bus again you can just take away shorts and beaches and shit? NO. It's bad enough I spent the entire summer here; why don't you just bend me over and hit me with a paddle some more? You fail at life.


However, I do need to take into account that this may be because the entire state of California is just really fucking weird. The reason I always carry my camera with me is not because I may cross paths with a minor, F-list celebrity. It's because I'm a blogger, and the crap that I see around here is so ridiculous that I couldn't make this shit up and I need documentation. For example:

The other day I was on a supermarket run, and within five minutes I had photographic evidence of some glorious gems that I knew I would wind up posting on this site sooner or later. Observe:

I'm an eight-year-old.
This needs zero explanation.
And, the one that made me go, "Eh?"

In Original and Vanilla!

I swear to God that's real. Hemp Milk. That you can drink. I can't even imagine finding that anywhere else. I really want to buy this just so I can save the packaging forever.

Hemp milk kind of makes sense here. When I was filling out all those job applications and it had that "have you ever been convicted of a felony" question, all of them actually said, "California applicants: do not include marijuana charges." I'm serious! I wanted to put down something like, "Really? Sweet!" I remember before my dad moved, he used to live a few blocks away from a medical marijuana "clinic." Right. "Clinic."

Anyway, at least I'm finding humor in my less-than-ideal situation. I knew that being a partial LA resident would at least provide some fodder for the blog, and really, I couldn't lie about this shit if I wanted to.

14 comments:

jessica maria said...

Hahahahaha you always crack me up.

rachel said...

haha... I was actually in wholefoods yesterday and saw hemp milk... I think I had about the same response

Ginny said...

I'll stick to cow milk thanks. And beer and wine of course.

Joel Chasco said...

Hemp. Milk... that sounds completely disgusting. Soy milk already pushes it for me.

For some reason this reminds me of middle school and there was some idiot "friend" down the street that we would convince that smoking hemp necklaces or even oregano would get him high... Turns out he's a car salesman now, it makes perfect sense.

Hotcakes said...

hahaha.. i've never noticed those kind of groceries.

probably i because i only look for stuff im familiar with

Sara said...

Oh man, I really hope it's hot as fuck when you're here because then I can be all, "Bitch, you thought YOU had it bad??" and then my hair will frizz and the sweat between my boobs will slowly slide down my entire fucking body and we will all be miserably hot EXCEPT? We will be ridiculously drunk so we won't even notice! Win/Win/Win.

Lilly said...

I need some Crunchy Nuggets. And I can wash them down with some Hemp Milk. Echk. That is just so disgusting. There's eating healthy, and then there's eating like a total lunatic.

That Ain't Kosher said...

@Jessica- Awesome! My work is done. PS- Your blog rules too.

@Rachel- I think I stood there for a good 10 seconds before I took the camera out. WTF?

@Ginny- Yeah, me too. No thanks.

@Joel- HAHAHAHA! What a dumbass. Please tell me there's video!

PS- everyone check out Joel's band, Color Radio (http://www.myspace.com/colorradio). If Depeche Mode sexually assaulted Coldplay and had a baby and the baby came out brandishing a axe, they still wouldn't be as epic as this band. Anyway, just listen to them.

@Hotcakes- I ALWAYS look for weird stuff. What does that say about me?

@Sara- Are you trying to seduce me? Because it's working. <3

@Lilly- I'll give you $5 if you vlog yourself eating that for breakfast tomorrow.

theTsaritsa said...

I've lived in Cali for two years, and I agree that's it's a good thing to have a camera handy. Naked man walking through the Castro in the afternoon on a Saturday.. Yep, we got that!

Rahul said...

Where were you shopping at? Venice? That has Venice written all over it. That store is right next to the white guy in dreads smoking a bowl in public and a frat boy with a popped collar.

You haven't lived in LA until you've had a Real World alumnus serve you a beer. Just walk outside. It'll happen.

Christina In Wonderland said...

I'm totally moving to LA now, just for the "marijuana medical clinics". Lol.

Bretsyboo said...

I love you.

That Ain't Kosher said...

@The Tsaritsa- Haha- once in Malibu I saw a guy walking around dressed like Scooby Doo for no reason.

@Rahul- I see Real World alumni riding mechanical bulls at bars all the time. Does that count?

@Christina- I'll mail you some. Leave me your address.

@Boo- Aw, I love you too. Let's be breast friends forever!

Nicole said...

I'm definitely investing in hemp milk when I visit the bff in a couple weeks.