Thursday, February 17, 2011


Did that title make you think of gross stuff? It did for me.

Valentine's Day is over, so if you guys were anticipating another one of my acerbic rants about how bad it sucks to be single and how much I hate life, guess what? Not even close, dude.

I actually don't loathe Valentine's Day with the burning, passionate animosity I usually reserve for Justin Bieber and people who insist on wearing clogs. Being single has allowed me to spend a lot of time traveling- I spent New Year's in Texas, and recently decided to hit the road to both San Francisco and San Diego. Not only that, but I just booked another flight back home- I leave for New York City this Sunday, and I'm super psyched! I'll get to see my family, my friends and party all over the East Coast- if anyone is around, you know where to reach me.

As for the actual holiday, my dad and I usually do something fun, like go to dinner or see a movie. He has a girlfriend this year, so none of that happened, but he did buy me a really cute stuffed puppy. He also got me the new Verizon iPhone, which I've been frenetically making love to for the last three days. I'm telling you, that thing is a life-changer.
Put this on vibrate and I'm all set.

My Valentine's Day definitely kicked some ass. It began at Bad Monkey's house, where we brought each other flowers and baked brownies to shower ourselves with heterosexual love. By the way, this is all on video, complete with a good ten second pause for the two of us hysterically laughing for no apparent reason.

Bad Monkey had recently purchased one of those Miraculous Bras from Vicky's- you know, the ones that add nine cup sizes to your rack? I dig penis, and I was completely mesmerized. I mean, really, she put me to shame, and my shelf is pretty goddamn phenomenal. Seriously, we could NOT STOP talking about her boobs all night. It was like the Lost City of Atlantis in that joint.

Of course, none of my holidays would be even close to complete without a little music news. Not only did I get my first taste of The Strokes' new single (awesome, BTW), but Oasis and Queens of the Stone Age both announced upcoming albums (and, in the case of QOTSA, an adjoining tour). As if that weren't enough to force me to check for Ceiling Cat, I found out that Radiohead's new album, King of Limbs, comes out this Saturday. You have no idea how unbelievably insane I am going right now. Bad Monkey loves Radiohead, too, but I think I may have scarred her for life with my reaction. In case you all didn't get it by now, I already have this pre-ordered, and I haven't even heard any of the tracks yet. I'm aware that this could be a bit of a gamble, but you know what? Fuck it. It's Radiohead. RADIOHEAD! Excuse me, I think I just came.

BTW, all of these epic music bulletins were capped off by Foo Fighters' secret show on Tuesday night. The fact that I'd already seen them perform six times meant nothing to me- I found out that it was just a few blocks from my apartment, and I stood on line for three hours. I was cold and starving, but when I finally got in, it was TOTALLY worth it. They played for three hours, and I got to hear their entire new album in advance. One of my friends, who's 6'4", took photos and video with my brand new iPhone (heretofore known as "The Love Wand"), and despite making fun of me for my "little T-Rex arms," we both almost shit ourselves because the band was so epic. At one point Dave Grohl stood so close to me that I could almost touch his shoe. Oh, PS- my friend had never seen the Foos before, so in essence I stole a dude's V-Card.

Also, Bad Monkey is totally obsessing over "little T-Rex arms." Haha. What a bitch.

So besides all that orgasmic shit I also managed to get some work done- I'm booking an East Coast tour right now for one of the bands I represent and I helped my mom land a really important art show in Brooklyn. It'll be sometime in August; I'll let you all know when that is so you can come stalk show support.

Speaking of not at all illegally following people, I've been administered another blog award, this time from Ginny at Ginntastic. This is one she made up herself, so I think I should feel pretty honored, only she kind of accuses me of being creepy:

Nugs actually stayed over my house and slept in my bed.  In fact she even showed up at my work.  You can’t get anymore stalker than that people.

OK, first of all, I would like to point out that this was a pre-planned weekend where she invited me to do this shit. And second, I am totally stalking her. This made me laugh my ass off, though. I think my dad may have heard me.

So supposedly I have to bequeath this to some of my trusting and innocent minions, and I also have to ramble off some interesting facts about myself. Only the catch is, two have to be a lie. Oh, shit. I am a terrible liar. But, anyway:

1) I used to sing back-up in a cover band in college.
2) When I was in junior high I had a frog as a pet.
3) At last count, I owned forty pairs of shoes.
4) The first time I tried to cook anything, I almost burned down my apartment. Three firetrucks had to be called in. The firemen weren't hot, though. What a waste.
5) My dad tried out for Steely Dan, but didn't make the cut because he can't read music.

And now for my Dedicated Stalker Award recipients:

RioGood Music, Bad Math- For consistently threatening offering to partake in the sexytimes. Oh, Rio. I am already there. <3
C? Tits!Dancing on the Bar of Life- Her FB messages are HILARIOUS. Every day she tries to come up with new and exciting ways to get me to come over to 20sb chat. Until she actually sends me a picture of her rack, no go.
Mandy Moore The Real MandyMoore- We've actually fallen asleep with our heads in each other's laps. Truth.

And, of course...

Lor Late to the Party- My original stalker (four out of five treehouses agree).

Congratulations, guys! I love you SOHARD!


MandyMoore said...

NUGS is coming to town! Wee!

Oh and I guess I for my next post ill combine all these Myspace surveys...I mean blog memes :P

theTsaritsa said...

You changed your layout again?! Anyway, I love that Keanu Reeves stalky photo, and I think the lie is about almost burning your house down, though I could be wrong...

Sara said...

Wait, how did you both fall asleep with your heads in each other's laps? That's like some Karma Sutra shit or something.

Coyote Rose said...

Hey, don't tempt me, we both know i have shots of my tits lying around.

Plus i do stalk you so hard!

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Fun post. Enjoy your iPhone, I am obsesses with and surgically attached to mine.

Is it wrong that I find that Keanu pic hot rather than stalkerish??

Anonymous said...

When are you coming to Boston?!?!?!

P.S. my word verification word is "hyman." just thought you should know.

That Ain't Kosher said...

@Mandy- I'm already planning your birthday!!! It will be epic. Oh yes.

@Tsa- You are correct. One was at least marginally attractive.

Haha just kidding! I'm actually pretty awwsome in the kitchen. So yes, thar's the lie.

@Nips- Not at the same time! Although that would have been totally hot.

@Tits- i know. I keep hoping they'll surface <3

@Brahm- I'm already in love. I'm never going back to a Blackberry.

And no, not wrong at all. I found Josh Hartnett super sexy in Wicker Park.

@Lilly- Haha. You always get the best ones.

And SOON! I have your number so I will definitely let you know. I have to work out the d's, but I'll keep you posted.