Tuesday, February 08, 2011

AURAL SEX: FEBRUARY 2011 EDITION

Hello. I've waited here for you.

Everlong.

For someone who makes a point to ignore Valentine's Day I've really been showing it some love lately. It was the theme of last week's Movie Review Blogring and now it's being acknowledged again in this month's Aural Sex.

To commemorate the annual V-Day, I've decided to compile a list of the best and worst tracks that reminded me of the holiday. I know no one likes doing the dirty work on Valentine's Day, so I've done it for you. Isn't that nice of me? Yeah, it's mostly because I'm single with no prospects. Let's not bring that up.

Special thanks to Bad Monkey and the 20sb crew for sitting with me for hours (literally) to assist me with this.

SONGS WITH "LOVE" IN THE TITLE THAT MAKE ME STABBY:


MAROON 5- SHE WILL BE LOVED (released 2004)




I can watch this on mute because the dude is kinda hot. But the song is awful. Remember that Family Guy episode where Meg's boyfriend gives her a Maroon 5 CD because she likes "terrible music?"

Yeah.

NELSON- (CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOUR) LOVE AND AFFECTION (released 1990)



OK, I actually used to LOVE Nelson when  I was like, six and didn't understand that they were horrible. But this is just bad.

I actually went to see them in concert once and my brother, who had better taste in music than I did even then, waited in the car.

EMINEM f. RIHANNA- LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE (released 2010)



This song is so irritating because everybody seems to love it. All my friends posted the video all over Facebook, so even though I was trying desperately to avoid it, there it was. Over and over (and over) again.

Eminem is not a lyrical genius, like everyone seems to believe. I've mentioned before how much I can't stand him, and since this video has Megan Fox, it bothers me even more. He needs to take a Motrin and lie down, or something. That's what works for me three days a month.

311- LOVESONG (released 2004)



311 massacred The Cure for an equally shitty movie. Anyone who bought this soundtrack should be destroyed at the stake.

FOREIGNER- I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS (released 1984)



This is a tune for stalkers who sit in driveways of girls they've never met, drinking a fifth of Jack while carving names into their arms and crying. If this song comes up on the radio you should immediately shut it off and listen to... I dunno, not Foreigner.

TAYLOR SWIFT- LOVE STORY (released 2008)



What is the huge deal about Taylor Swift? Seriously, she sounds like everybody else (AND I heard she doesn't write her own music, which is disturbing because her lyrics sound like they came from the brain of a 12-year-old).

Also, her head is giant. It's way too big for her shoulders and she looks like a bobblehead.

It's really distracting.

DONNA LEWIS- I LOVE YOU ALWAYS FOREVER (released 1996)



Thanks to Lily for this one (Featured Blogger for February, yo!). I hadn't thought about this song in years but when she mentioned it I realized she was totally right. It's insipid and agitating, and this bitch's voice is really high. This definitely belongs on the list.

THE CARDIGANS- LOVEFOOL (released 1996)




I actually kind of like this song, but it's one of those that gets classified as an "earworm"- it's impossible to get out of your head for days. Therefore it is annoying, and lands on the list. Props to Nips for helping me out with this one.

HANSON- WHERE'S THE LOVE? (released 1997)



This takes me back to when I was in junior high and all my friends were obsessed with Hanson and all their stupid songs. I was never interested in them or anything they did, and this is no exception.

Dislike.

JUSTIN BIEBER f. USHER- SOMEBODY TO LOVE (released 2010)



I just hate this kid so much. I would like to see him horribly killed.

I don't think I'm alone in this.

Oh, PS- I wasn't even sure if Bieber had any songs with the word love in the title, since I make it a point to avoid him at all costs, but I really wanted an excuse to include him on any list where I discuss things that I hate. So basically I thought, "yeah, probably," and just typed "Bieber" and "love" into iTunes, and came up with this shit that I didn't even bother to listen to.


SONGS WITH THE WORD "LOVE" IN THE TITLE THAT EVEN I CAN ENJOY:

JOURNEY- SEND HER MY LOVE (released 1983)



The guitar solo is killer.

STONE TEMPLE PILOTS- INTERSTATE LOVE SONG (released 1994)
This is the only STP song that I'm really into, and if you think about it, Weiland probably wrote it while he was on heroin. What does that say about me?

QUEEN- SOMEBODY TO LOVE (released 1976)



Listening to any Queen song is like listening to a rock opera. Freddie Mercury's vocal stylings are astounding. If I could do this song any justice at all I would rock this in the shower.

Also, how many times do you think someone tried to download this classic masterpiece and was subjected to the Bieber decimation instead? I don't even want to consider that.

THE OUTFIELD- YOUR LOVE (released 1986)



Who doesn't love this song? Even if you don't know you know it, you do, and you wreck that shit every time it's performed by your favorite local cover band.

CREAM- SUNSHINE OF YOUR LOVE (released 1968)



If you play it at top volume, it usually makes you feel like you're high even when you haven't smoked anything. Trust me on this.

TEARS FOR FEARS- SOWING THE SEEDS OF LOVE (released 1989)



Tears For Fears incorporates some of the best shit I've heard in a while, and this album came out decades ago. There's a mix of the regular guitars, drums and vocals but they have horns in it too, and the song itself clocks in at just over six minutes. The experience is pretty epic. Do yourself a favor.

U2- PRIDE (IN THE NAME OF LOVE) (released 1984)



One of the only times a history lesson didn't bore the piss out of me.

THE WHITE STRIPES- FELL IN LOVE WITH A GIRL (released 2002)



If the awesome Michel Gondry-directed music video featuring LEGOS!!!! isn't enough to convince you, maybe the 1:50 running time will.



If not that, perhaps the epic guitar kick in the beginning will draw you in.

If you still can't appreciate this masterpiece of musical artistry, well, I'm shit out of ideas.

THE BEATLES- ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE (released 1967)


What an inspiring message from what is arguably the most influential band of all time. "All you need is love..." or cheesecake, your call.


LED ZEPPELIN I couldn't choose between the two, so I kept them both. Yeah, I'm a cheater.

The Zep wrote the two most important songs with "love" in the title. EVER. Even when they're singing about love, it sounds like a penis metaphor. Actually, it probably is. Plant and Page is the all-time best on-stage combination, no argument necessary. Here are my choices for the top of this list.

WHOLE LOTTA LOVE (released 1969)


ALL MY LOVE (released 1979)



MOST OBNOXIOUS SONGS WITH "HEART" IN THE TITLE:


HILARY DUFF- BEAT OF MY HEART (released 2005)



To be fair, I've never actually bothered to listen to this song. But it is Hilary Duff, so I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that it most likely sucks.

BACKSTREET BOYS- I'LL NEVER BREAK YOUR HEART (released 1995)


I used to secretly be into this song, but I've now come to terms with the fact that my taste in music in junior high is an embarrassment to my adult life. This is atrocious, and the video is laughable.

BILLY RAY CYRUS- ACHY BREAKY HEART (released 1992)


Not only was this horrible, but it was ubiquitous when it first came out. This dude is also responsible for unleashing Miley Cyrus onto this Earth, so there's also that.

I do enjoy ridiculing this guy's mullet, though. I mean, just look at it:


That is glorious.

N SYNC- TEARIN' UP MY HEART (released 1998)


I always detested N Sync. I know there's kind of a running pop theme to Aural Sex this month, but God was this horrendous.

EXTREME- HOLE-HEARTED (released 1990)


Look at that smug look on this asshole's face.

Fuck you, man. You ruined Van Halen.

BRITNEY SPEARS- FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BROKEN HEART (released 1999)


I realize that Britney Spears was only a kid when this album came out, but no one should be allowed to write lyrics that dumb. She also released a video to this that was really irritating, where she sat in a tree all wistful and shit.

Oh look, here's a screen shot:


Ugh. FAIL.

TONI BRAXTON- UN-BREAK MY HEART (released 1996)


A bunch of my friends suggested this one, so on the list it goes.

ELTON JOHN/KIKI DEE- DON'T GO BREAKING MY HEART (released 1976)


The beginning is really stupid. It kind of sounds like the accompanying track to kittens pouncing around a table with toy mice, or something.

CELINE DION- MY HEART WILL GO ON (released 1997)


Oy, lord.

Granted, I played this shit out when I was like 14 and the movie was released. (Spoiler alert, guys: THE BOAT SINKS!) However, I realize now that Titanic is just a really long, albeit well-crafted, chick flick, and that "My Heart Will Go On" should, in fact, not go on. I can acknowledge Celine's operatic ability to thump her chest a lot and warble about huge yachts and cinematic power couples, but sucks for her, I am not a kid anymore and my musical tastes have substantially changed.

Goodbye, Titanic. I'm done with you and your cloying theme song forever.

MILEY CYRUS- MY HEART BEATS FOR LOVE (released 2010)


As opposed to beating for what? Being a four-year-old whore?


MOST KICK-ASS SONGS WITH "HEART" IN THE TITLE:

THE STROKES- HEART IN A CAGE (released 2006)




The Strokes are awesome, and this song is pretty catchy.

DEEE-LITE- GROOVE IS IN THE HEART (released 1990)


Fuck you guys. I like this song. It's fun to dance to.

BLONDIE- HEART OF GLASS (released 1979)


Blondie is one of the classic punk bands from the 70's New York music scene, and this is one of their best.

OASIS- STOP CRYING YOUR HEART OUT (released 2002)


When Oasis isn't busy hitting each other in the face with bottles, they write beautiful poetry set to some electrifying guitar chords. Here's an example.

MOTLEY CRUE- KICKSTART MY HEART (released 1989)


Technically, this song is probably about drugs. It still gets me going on the stationary bike, though.

NIRVANA- HEART SHAPED BOX (released 1993)


Being a kid in the grunge era, Nirvana pretty much shaped my musical upbringing. This is one of their most substantial efforts.

THE BEATLES- SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND (released 1967)


Like I wouldn't put this on the list? Just to try to argue.

OWNER OF A LONELY HEART- YES (released 1983)


Yes is pretty cool. I'm usually not into prog rock, but they do some interesting shit with organs in this piece.

JANIS JOPLIN- PIECE OF MY HEART (released 1968)


This is one of my favorite songs of all time. Janis Joplin's voice is so iconic, and I may do this for my next KROD vid. IF I felt that I wouldn't fuck it up.

Probably not, though.


DUDE IN OLD SCHOOL- TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART (2003)



Come on. You know you guys were thinking this, too.

And just for you, here's a list of the most played songs on my iPod about relationships (for better or worse).


NUGS' SEXYTIMES PLAYLIST:

A-HA- TAKE ON ME (released 1985)


For the four of you that haven't seen this video, it's a classic.



THE BANGLES- ETERNAL FLAME (released 1989)


CAKE- I WILL SURVIVE (released 1996)


ELVIS COSTELLO- ALISON (released 1977)


One of my absolute favorites. I'm actually naming my daughter Alison after this song. If I can find someone unfortunate enough to impregnate me.

FOO FIGHTERS- EVERLONG (released 1997)


GARBAGE- SPECIAL (released 1998)


Bonus- this is also my KROD song. You'll see it later when I make a complete ass of myself.

HEART- ALONE (released 1987)


JOURNEY- SEPARATE WAYS (released 1983)


The video for this is ridiculous. Enjoy.

LADY GAGA- BAD ROMANCE (released 2009)


MOBY- WHY DOES MY HEART FEEL SO BAD? (released 1999)



NO DOUBT- SUNDAY MORNING (released 1997)


OFF WITH THEIR HEADS- FUCK THIS, I'M OUT (released 2008)


PAUL MCCARTNEY- MAYBE I'M AMAZED (released 1970)


QUEEN- ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST (released 1980)


RADIOHEAD- JUST (released 1995)


RISE AGAINST- AUDIENCE OF ONE (released 2009)


ROLLING STONES- (I CAN'T GET NO) SATISFACTION (released 1965)


SHINY TOY GUNS- RAINY MONDAY (released 2008)


SMASHING PUMPKINS- AVA ADORE (released 1998)


SOCIAL DISTORTION- UNTITLED (released 1996)


SOFT CELL- TAINTED LOVE (released 1982)


TOM PETTY/STEVIE NICKS- STOP DRAGGIN' MY HEART AROUND (released 1981)



WHITESNAKE- HERE I GO AGAIN (released 1982)


Can anyone listen to this WITHOUT thinking of Old School?

THE YARDBIRDS- FOR YOUR LOVE (released 1965)


ZERO 7- DESTINY (released 2001)


So, uh, Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. Make sure you get lots of candy, and stuff like that. And for some of you, I'll be outside your window, waiting for you to come home (you know who you are). <3<3<3

Oh, PS- I finally broke down and did this month's Karaoke Ring of Death. My video is as mortifying as one may expect. It'll be up later this week for you to taunt for decades to come.

8 comments:

Jamie - I'm a guy, btw said...

This post rocks! Awesome. Loved it. And man, you hit the nail on the head on (almost) all of these.

Harley said...

Justin Bieber must die. He's a horrible little troll.

For the most part I agree with your choices!

theTsaritsa said...

I'm going to disagree with you and say that Eminem IS a lyrical genius, but that song is totally played out. The video gets an F minus because I can't stand Megan Fox, either!

I totally approve of your playlist! I think "Take on me" was the number one song the day I was born.

Allison said...

Alison is sorta a sad-ish song to name a child after. I hope I wasn't secretly named after it.

It used to be my cellphone right though :)

MrsCaptKerk said...

I ALWAYS sing "Don't go breaking my heart" at karaoke bars :-/

Sara said...

This post was fucking hilarious.

The Hilary Duff one - hahahahaha!!!

Bi said...

Hey now, I think Extreme's "More Than Words" had a certain charm to it... Didn't it??!

Otherwise, you're spot on, as always!

Rio said...

After reading your sexytimes playlist, I do believe I want to have sexy-times with you...a-ha, journey, queen and the rolling stones all in one place? Where can find this bedroom? Great post, our tastes differ a bit, but at least we agree on the classics :P