Saturday, February 12, 2011

AW, FUCK

I swear you guys are out to get me. Your evil conspiracy is disguised as obsession adoration. Props to you, though. Job well done.



Now that my first Karaoke Fail is over, I can't wait until I'm peer pressured into it again. I'm already brainstorming as to which song I'll destroy next (anyone who suggests that I perform Chumbawumba dies). Next time can I please not be paired up with a guy who displays actual talent, though, so I come across as only marginally awful? Thanks.

Not only did that happen, but it seems as though my mediocre writing skills have been in demand all over the place. When I was in San Francisco this past week I ran around wrecking shit with The Tsaritsa, who is the planet's greatest (and most forgiving) tour guide. Not only did she allow me to hang out with her, which is questionable in itself, but she also didn't complain when I forced her to go into a comic book store and take pictures of me standing all excited-like next to cardboard cut-outs like the world's biggest all-time loser. If she weren't so awesome I would wonder if there were something seriously wrong with her.

Besides that, she's commissioned me to write a post on dreams for her 'zine. This will be the first time I've ever been published and I'm super psyched. Unfortunately, this means I'll have to be creative, and work under a deadline. Let's see if I can actually make this happen and churn out something worthy of anyone's time (no).

Because she now makes all of my life's decisions, Tsa also has informed me that I'm getting a tattoo. After much prodding, I decided to go the henna route first, just to see what kind of reactions I would get and if it looks good. I'm 95% there; what do you guys think?



While I'm contemplating that, my lesbian blog lover Coyote Tits has tagged me in the 5 Things You Love meme. Basically what happens with this is I have to tell you five things that I love, for those of you that are retarded and didn't get it. You'd think this would be easy, but I'm a lazy bitch and don't appreciate having to be all imaginative and shit.

So, uh, yeah. No way out of this one, is there? Fuck me.

Here are my Five Things:

1) Chocolate Milk I don't really give a shit that this is a drink for six-year-olds. Chocolate milk is SO GOOD. Sometimes I order it at dinner just to see the look on people's faces. It's usually pretty funny.

2) Motrin God, whoever invented Motrin should be deified. I don't know why Motrin is still legal because I could totally see myself getting addicted to this shit. It is the greatest painkiller in the world. All I have to do is take one of these babies and lie down for half an hour and fuck yeah! I am ready!



I especially like the childrens' dose, where you can take like eight of them at once and suddenly everything goes away.

3) My Strange Addiction on TLC Have you guys seen this shit? It is ridiculous. Everyone on this show is so fucked up. Every time I watch it I'm just like, "Wow, I am totally normal."

The most hilarious one was when some dude was married to a blow-up doll, and right after he left the therapist's office he ordered ANOTHER DOLL! HAHAHA! You know what? I'm fine. My life is great.



4) Hiking Bad Monkey got me into this recently. LA isn't really a walking town, which was a difficult transition for me as a New York City transplant. However, there are a ton of places that Los Angeles natives go to hike and chill out, and the best part is that I can do this year-round because of the weather. It's one of the healthiest ways to stay in shape, and it's also free because you don't have to join a gym or anything (I'm a cheap-ass).

5) Music Allow me to vague this up for you. No, seriously, anything to do with music- writing about it, talking about it, listening to it, whatever. When I lived in New York City I knew all the venues and the people that worked there, so I was out four or five nights a week, hearing local bands, usually for little or no money. Now it's too fucking expensive, so I mostly stick to the Internet. However, I have made a few friends who can hook me up, and I've managed to find some truly stellar local artists. Look for mentions in a future Aural Sex.

Now that that's over with, I get to pass this on to five unsuspecting victims:

Amanda @ LongRoadSet
Ginntastic @ Ginntastic
Nyx @ Notions
Rio @ Good Music, Bad Math
Shelly @ Starting Over (new link, yo! Update it!)

Speaking of The Shellator, she's joined forces with the rest of the crew and tagged me in yet another meme where I actually have to display my beautiful, artistic penmanship for the masses. Here are the questions:

1) What's your name/blogger name?
2) What's your blog's URL?
3) Write "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" (that's not a question, but whatever)
4) Favorite quote?
5) Your favorite song?
6) Your favorite band/artist?
7) Anything else you want to say?
8) Tag 3-5 other unlucky recipients (I took some liberties with that last one)

Here are my answers. My handwriting is really round, childlike, and pretty much terrible, but here ya go. I also had major issues with my camera, so it's kind of blurry. Sorry.



And with that said, I'm going to make a sandwich and go back to sleep.


Also, that's my knee. It's really small.


Oh, PS, you guys- I totally forgot to mention: If you want in on this month's Horrible Movie Blogring, drop me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com by Sunday, February 20th. We have a whole new crop of virginal sacrifices this month, as well as some regulars, so be excited.


3 comments:

Nicole said...

Every time I watch it I'm just like, "Wow, I am totally normal."

I know this is kind of implied in their advertising, but I bet this show would become the biggest thing on television if they just came out and said that. Because, really, isn't this why we all watch reality television? To pat ourselves on the back over the knowledge that there are at least a few people more fucked than we are?


Also also also I am so excited that you're back in LA, even if you aren't.

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

Sweeney that would be awesome. "My Strange Addiction: Wow, I am totally normal."

WATCHING. :)

Stalk you forever Nuggy.

CkretsGalore said...

I love My Strange Addiction as well! Did you see that older woman who was addicted to makeup....bright fucking eyeshadow that she wanted tattoo'd on? It was so gross and caked on. It's like she had a bloody short in brain causing to see her 16 yearold self with make up on instead of her leathery, wrinkled and abused hide with make-up so thick it would take pain thinner to remove that shit.

PS, I dig your writing. Mine's the shits. Oh and by writing I mean Printing. I forgot how to write many moons ago.