Did that title make you think of gross stuff? It did for me.
Valentine's Day is over, so if you guys were anticipating another one of my acerbic rants about how bad it sucks to be single and how much I hate life, guess what? Not even close, dude.
I actually don't loathe Valentine's Day with the burning, passionate animosity I usually reserve for Justin Bieber and people who insist on wearing clogs. Being single has allowed me to spend a lot of time traveling- I spent New Year's in Texas, and recently decided to hit the road to both San Francisco and San Diego. Not only that, but I just booked another flight back home- I leave for New York City this Sunday, and I'm super psyched! I'll get to see my family, my friends and party all over the East Coast- if anyone is around, you know where to reach me.
As for the actual holiday, my dad and I usually do something fun, like go to dinner or see a movie. He has a girlfriend this year, so none of that happened, but he did buy me a really cute stuffed puppy. He also got me the new Verizon iPhone, which I've been frenetically making love to for the last three days. I'm telling you, that thing is a life-changer.
Put this on vibrate and I'm all set.
My Valentine's Day definitely kicked some ass. It began at Bad Monkey's house, where we brought each other flowers and baked brownies to shower ourselves with heterosexual love. By the way, this is all on video, complete with a good ten second pause for the two of us hysterically laughing for no apparent reason.
Bad Monkey had recently purchased one of those Miraculous Bras from Vicky's- you know, the ones that add nine cup sizes to your rack? I dig penis, and I was completely mesmerized. I mean, really, she put me to shame, and my shelf is pretty goddamn phenomenal. Seriously, we could NOT STOP talking about her boobs all night. It was like the Lost City of Atlantis in that joint.
Of course, none of my holidays would be even close to complete without a little music news. Not only did I get my first taste of The Strokes' new single (awesome, BTW), but Oasisand Queens of the Stone Age both announced upcoming albums (and, in the case of QOTSA, an adjoining tour). As if that weren't enough to force me to check for Ceiling Cat, I found out that Radiohead's new album, King of Limbs, comes out this Saturday. You have no idea how unbelievably insane I am going right now. Bad Monkey loves Radiohead, too, but I think I may have scarred her for life with my reaction. In case you all didn't get it by now, I already have this pre-ordered, and I haven't even heard any of the tracks yet. I'm aware that this could be a bit of a gamble, but you know what? Fuck it. It's Radiohead. RADIOHEAD! Excuse me, I think I just came.
BTW, all of these epic music bulletins were capped off by Foo Fighters' secret show on Tuesday night. The fact that I'd already seen them perform six times meant nothing to me- I found out that it was just a few blocks from my apartment, and I stood on line for three hours. I was cold and starving, but when I finally got in, it was TOTALLY worth it. They played for three hours, and I got to hear their entire new album in advance. One of my friends, who's 6'4", took photos and video with my brand new iPhone (heretofore known as "The Love Wand"), and despite making fun of me for my "little T-Rex arms," we both almost shit ourselves because the band was so epic. At one point Dave Grohl stood so close to me that I could almost touch his shoe. Oh, PS- my friend had never seen the Foos before, so in essence I stole a dude's V-Card.
Also, Bad Monkey is totally obsessing over "little T-Rex arms." Haha. What a bitch.
So besides all that orgasmic shit I also managed to get some work done- I'm booking an East Coast tour right now for one of the bands I represent and I helped my mom land a really important art show in Brooklyn. It'll be sometime in August; I'll let you all know when that is so you can come stalk show support.
Speaking of not at all illegally following people, I've been administered another blog award, this time from Ginny at Ginntastic. This is one she made up herself, so I think I should feel pretty honored, only she kind of accuses me of being creepy:
Nugs actually stayed over my house and slept in my bed. In fact she even showed up at my work. You can’t get anymore stalker than that people.
OK, first of all, I would like to point out that this was a pre-planned weekend where she invited me to do this shit. And second, I am totally stalking her. This made me laugh my ass off, though. I think my dad may have heard me.
So supposedly I have to bequeath this to some of my trusting and innocent minions, and I also have to ramble off some interesting facts about myself. Only the catch is, two have to be a lie. Oh, shit. I am a terrible liar. But, anyway:
1) I used to sing back-up in a cover band in college.
2) When I was in junior high I had a frog as a pet.
3) At last count, I owned forty pairs of shoes.
4) The first time I tried to cook anything, I almost burned down my apartment. Three firetrucks had to be called in. The firemen weren't hot, though. What a waste.
5) My dad tried out for Steely Dan, but didn't make the cut because he can't read music.
And now for my Dedicated Stalker Award recipients:
Rio @ Good Music, Bad Math- For consistently threatening offering to partake in the sexytimes. Oh, Rio. I am already there. <3 C? Tits! @ Dancing on the Bar of Life- Her FB messages are HILARIOUS. Every day she tries to come up with new and exciting ways to get me to come over to 20sb chat. Until she actually sends me a picture of her rack, no go. Mandy Moore @ The Real MandyMoore- We've actually fallen asleep with our heads in each other's laps. Truth.
And, of course...
Lor @ Late to the Party- My original stalker (four out of five treehouses agree).
I swear you guys are out to get me. Your evil conspiracy is disguised as obsession adoration. Props to you, though. Job well done.
Now that my first Karaoke Fail is over, I can't wait until I'm peer pressured into it again. I'm already brainstorming as to which song I'll destroy next (anyone who suggests that I perform Chumbawumba dies). Next time can I please not be paired up with a guy who displays actual talent, though, so I come across as only marginally awful? Thanks.
Not only did that happen, but it seems as though my mediocre writing skills have been in demand all over the place. When I was in San Francisco this past week I ran around wrecking shit with The Tsaritsa, who is the planet's greatest (and most forgiving) tour guide. Not only did she allow me to hang out with her, which is questionable in itself, but she also didn't complain when I forced her to go into a comic book store and take pictures of me standing all excited-like next to cardboard cut-outs like the world's biggest all-time loser. If she weren't so awesome I would wonder if there were something seriously wrong with her.
Besides that, she's commissioned me to write a post on dreams for her 'zine. This will be the first time I've ever been published and I'm super psyched. Unfortunately, this means I'll have to be creative, and work under a deadline. Let's see if I can actually make this happen and churn out something worthy of anyone's time (no).
Because she now makes all of my life's decisions, Tsa also has informed me that I'm getting a tattoo. After much prodding, I decided to go the henna route first, just to see what kind of reactions I would get and if it looks good. I'm 95% there; what do you guys think?
While I'm contemplating that, my lesbian blog lover Coyote Tits has tagged me in the 5 Things You Love meme. Basically what happens with this is I have to tell you five things that I love, for those of you that are retarded and didn't get it. You'd think this would be easy, but I'm a lazy bitch and don't appreciate having to be all imaginative and shit.
So, uh, yeah. No way out of this one, is there? Fuck me.
Here are my Five Things:
1) Chocolate Milk I don't really give a shit that this is a drink for six-year-olds. Chocolate milk is SO GOOD. Sometimes I order it at dinner just to see the look on people's faces. It's usually pretty funny.
2) Motrin God, whoever invented Motrin should be deified. I don't know why Motrin is still legal because I could totally see myself getting addicted to this shit. It is the greatest painkiller in the world. All I have to do is take one of these babies and lie down for half an hour and fuck yeah! I am ready!
I especially like the childrens' dose, where you can take like eight of them at once and suddenly everything goes away.
3) My Strange Addictionon TLC Have you guys seen this shit? It is ridiculous. Everyone on this show is so fucked up. Every time I watch it I'm just like, "Wow, I am totally normal."
The most hilarious one was when some dude was married to a blow-up doll, and right after he left the therapist's office he ordered ANOTHER DOLL! HAHAHA! You know what? I'm fine. My life is great.
4) HikingBad Monkey got me into this recently. LA isn't really a walking town, which was a difficult transition for me as a New York City transplant. However, there are a ton of places that Los Angeles natives go to hike and chill out, and the best part is that I can do this year-round because of the weather. It's one of the healthiest ways to stay in shape, and it's also free because you don't have to join a gym or anything (I'm a cheap-ass).
5) Music Allow me to vague this up for you. No, seriously, anything to do with music- writing about it, talking about it, listening to it, whatever. When I lived in New York City I knew all the venues and the people that worked there, so I was out four or five nights a week, hearing local bands, usually for little or no money. Now it's too fucking expensive, so I mostly stick to the Internet. However, I have made a few friends who can hook me up, and I've managed to find some truly stellar local artists. Look for mentions in a future Aural Sex.
Now that that's over with, I get to pass this on to five unsuspecting victims:
Speaking of The Shellator, she's joined forces with the rest of the crew and tagged me in yet another meme where I actually have to display my beautiful, artistic penmanship for the masses. Here are the questions:
1) What's your name/blogger name?
2) What's your blog's URL?
3) Write "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" (that's not a question, but whatever)
4) Favorite quote?
5) Your favorite song?
6) Your favorite band/artist?
7) Anything else you want to say?
8) Tag 3-5 other unlucky recipients (I took some liberties with that last one)
Here are my answers. My handwriting is really round, childlike, and pretty much terrible, but here ya go. I also had major issues with my camera, so it's kind of blurry. Sorry.
And with that said, I'm going to make a sandwich and go back to sleep.
Also, that's my knee. It's really small.
Oh, PS, you guys- I totally forgot to mention: If you want in on this month's Horrible Movie Blogring, drop me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com by Sunday, February 20th. We have a whole new crop of virginal sacrifices this month, as well as some regulars, so be excited.
You guys have finally done it: You've convinced me to break down and record myself wailing like a dying seal singing my ass off for this month's Karaoke Ring of Death.
I hate you all SOHARD right now. Dickweeds.
If you feel you must, you can check out my video on Lor's blog, Late To The Party. In the meantime, bear witness to Rio from Good Music, Bad Math right here. He's actually a musician, so his shit's got to be more entertaining than watching me make a complete fool of myself.
Well, maybe not.
This month's theme was Love vs. Anti-love, so Rio actually did a video for each. Way to show me up, dude. Good work with that.
Anyway, enjoy.
Hey, not-so-kosher people, Rio here. Here below are my karaoke videos, and I have lots of fun doing them. A little too much fun perhaps. I think I get way too much into the song, but hopefully it will be entertaining in the sense that you look at the screen and say "I'm glad I'm not that guy". Hope you enjoy and check out my blog if you want to laugh at me or praise me some more.
For someone who makes a point to ignore Valentine's Day I've really been showing it some love lately. It was the theme of last week's Movie Review Blogring and now it's being acknowledged again in this month's Aural Sex.
To commemorate the annual V-Day, I've decided to compile a list of the best and worst tracks that reminded me of the holiday. I know no one likes doing the dirty work on Valentine's Day, so I've done it for you. Isn't that nice of me? Yeah, it's mostly because I'm single with no prospects. Let's not bring that up.
Special thanks to Bad Monkey and the 20sb crew for sitting with me for hours (literally) to assist me with this.
SONGS WITH "LOVE" IN THE TITLE THAT MAKE ME STABBY:
I can watch this on mute because the dude is kinda hot. But the song is awful. Remember that Family Guy episode where Meg's boyfriend gives her a Maroon 5 CD because she likes "terrible music?"
This song is so irritating because everybody seems to love it. All my friends posted the video all over Facebook, so even though I was trying desperately to avoid it, there it was. Over and over (and over) again.
Eminem is not a lyrical genius, like everyone seems to believe. I've mentioned before how much I can't stand him, and since this video has Megan Fox, it bothers me even more. He needs to take a Motrin and lie down, or something. That's what works for me three days a month.
This is a tune for stalkers who sit in driveways of girls they've never met, drinking a fifth of Jack while carving names into their arms and crying. If this song comes up on the radio you should immediately shut it off and listen to... I dunno, not Foreigner.
What is the huge deal about Taylor Swift? Seriously, she sounds like everybody else (AND I heard she doesn't write her own music, which is disturbing because her lyrics sound like they came from the brain of a 12-year-old).
Also, her head is giant. It's way too big for her shoulders and she looks like a bobblehead.
Thanks to Lily for this one (Featured Blogger for February, yo!). I hadn't thought about this song in years but when she mentioned it I realized she was totally right. It's insipid and agitating, and this bitch's voice is really high. This definitely belongs on the list.
I actually kind of like this song, but it's one of those that gets classified as an "earworm"- it's impossible to get out of your head for days. Therefore it is annoying, and lands on the list. Props to Nips for helping me out with this one.
This takes me back to when I was in junior high and all my friends were obsessed with Hanson and all their stupid songs. I was never interested in them or anything they did, and this is no exception.
I just hate this kid so much. I would like to see him horribly killed.
I don't think I'm alone in this.
Oh, PS- I wasn't even sure if Bieber had any songs with the word love in the title, since I make it a point to avoid him at all costs, but I really wanted an excuse to include him on any list where I discuss things that I hate. So basically I thought, "yeah, probably," and just typed "Bieber" and "love" into iTunes, and came up with this shit that I didn't even bother to listen to.
SONGS WITH THE WORD "LOVE" IN THE TITLE THAT EVEN I CAN ENJOY:
This is the only STP song that I'm really into, and if you think about it, Weiland probably wrote it while he was on heroin. What does that say about me?
Listening to any Queen song is like listening to a rock opera. Freddie Mercury's vocal stylings are astounding. If I could do this song any justice at all I would rock this in the shower.
Also, how many times do you think someone tried to download this classic masterpiece and was subjected to the Bieber decimation instead? I don't even want to consider that.
Who doesn't love this song? Even if you don't know you know it, you do, and you wreck that shit every time it's performed by your favorite local cover band.
Tears For Fears incorporates some of the best shit I've heard in a while, and this album came out decades ago. There's a mix of the regular guitars, drums and vocals but they have horns in it too, and the song itself clocks in at just over six minutes. The experience is pretty epic. Do yourself a favor.
What an inspiring message from what is arguably the most influential band of all time. "All you need is love..." or cheesecake, your call.
LED ZEPPELIN I couldn't choose between the two, so I kept them both. Yeah, I'm a cheater.
The Zep wrote the two most important songs with "love" in the title. EVER. Even when they're singing about love, it sounds like a penis metaphor. Actually, it probably is. Plant and Page is the all-time best on-stage combination, no argument necessary. Here are my choices for the top of this list.
To be fair, I've never actually bothered to listen to this song. But it is Hilary Duff, so I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that it most likely sucks.
I used to secretly be into this song, but I've now come to terms with the fact that my taste in music in junior high is an embarrassment to my adult life. This is atrocious, and the video is laughable.
Not only was this horrible, but it was ubiquitous when it first came out. This dude is also responsible for unleashing Miley Cyrus onto this Earth, so there's also that.
I do enjoy ridiculing this guy's mullet, though. I mean, just look at it:
I realize that Britney Spears was only a kid when this album came out, but no one should be allowed to write lyrics that dumb. She also released a video to this that was really irritating, where she sat in a tree all wistful and shit.
Granted, I played this shit out when I was like 14 and the movie was released. (Spoiler alert, guys: THE BOAT SINKS!) However, I realize now that Titanic is just a really long, albeit well-crafted, chick flick, and that "My Heart Will Go On" should, in fact, not go on. I can acknowledge Celine's operatic ability to thump her chest a lot and warble about huge yachts and cinematic power couples, but sucks for her, I am not a kid anymore and my musical tastes have substantially changed.
Goodbye, Titanic. I'm done with you and your cloying theme song forever.
When Oasis isn't busy hitting each other in the face with bottles, they write beautiful poetry set to some electrifying guitar chords. Here's an example.
This is one of my favorite songs of all time. Janis Joplin's voice is so iconic, and I may do this for my next KROD vid. IF I felt that I wouldn't fuck it up.
Probably not, though.
DUDE IN OLD SCHOOL- TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART (2003)
Come on. You know you guys were thinking this, too.
And just for you, here's a list of the most played songs on my iPod about relationships (for better or worse).
So, uh, Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. Make sure you get lots of candy, and stuff like that. And for some of you, I'll be outside your window, waiting for you to come home (you know who you are). <3<3<3
Oh, PS- I finally broke down and did this month's Karaoke Ring of Death. My video is as mortifying as one may expect. It'll be up later this week for you to taunt for decades to come.
