WHAT IN THE FUCK.

Occasionally, because I hate myself, I look at videos like this one that I found on Topless Robot:



Seriously, who comes up with this shit? This is the most truly terrifying glimpse into the future I've ever experienced in my life. All of you who made fun of me for being afraid of Teddy Ruxpin now know what the fuck I was talking about.

This is worse than if Justin Bieber got elected President.

BRB, going to kill myself.

Get In Line, Boys

By now I'm sure you all know about the Justice League of America movie that they're totally making because The Avengers made eleventy billion dollars in like four days. It's probably pretty obvious that if I could already have bought my ticket and camped out in front of the theater, I would have. 

Entertainment Weekly is reporting that it could potentially do massive damage to The Avengers' current record as the third biggest movie of all time.

http://popwatch.ew.com/2012/06/07/the-avengers-versus-justice-league-of-america/

Here's my take: Uh, no. 

Here are the numbers for the latest Marvel superhero franchise (and potential franchise) films:

THE AVENGERS

Production Budget (not counting marketing costs): 225M

US Gross (so far): 587M

Worldwide Gross: appx 1.3B

That's a shit-ton of cash, yo.


For a detailed report on mine and my friends' take on this movie, go here. Try to stick around until the end, even after my history lesson on superpowers.

Movies Based On Avengers Characters (Iron Man, The Hulk, Thor, Captain America):

IRON MAN/IRON MAN 2

Combined PB: 356M

Combined DG: 631.M

Combined WWG: 1.2B

Marvel is currently casting Iron Man 3. Apparently The Mandarin is in it. THE MANDARIN, people!!!!

THIS GUY!!!!!

Sorry, I'll stop.

THOR

PB: 150M

DG: 181M

WWG: 449.3M

Marvel is planning a second Thor movie. Also, Chris Hemsworth's career has blown up since the first Thor.

CAPTAIN AMERICA

PB: 140M

DG: 176.6M

WWG: 369.7M

I personally thought this film sucked a lot of ass, but I guess people liked it, since there are plans for a sequel. Also, Captain A is a wuss and one of the worst superheroes ever. Even Shelly hates him, and Shelly likes everyone. "Oh, I'm small and everyone is mean to me. I'll take some drugs and get some superpowers!" Whatever.

THE HULK

Combined PB: 274.5M

Combined DG: 267M

Combined WWG: 508.6M

It was recently announced that there are talks for a rebooted franchise built around Mark Ruffalo as The Hulk/Bruce Banner.

However, there are no plans for a stand-alone series for Black Widow or Hawkeye. That's retarded. Have you seen Jeremy Renner's arms? 

Mm-hm. That is all kinds of Special Ops, if you get what I'm sayin'. And you guys ALWAYS get what I'm sayin' (I'm not very subtle).

X-MEN

(Includes Combined Production Budgets, Domestic Grosses and Worldwide Grosses for X-Men, X2, X-Men: The Last Stand and X-Men: First Class)

Combined PB: 570M

Combined DG: 753M

Combined WWG: 1.5B

There will, of course, be a sequel to First Class. They are also planning an Origins project around Magneto. I pray that this stars Michael Fassbender. And um, his junk.

Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

WOLVERINE:

PB: 150M

DG: 179.8M

WWG: 374.8M

The only real disappointment of the X-Men franchise, I heard that they scrapped plans for the Origins series until the success of First Class, when Fassbender stole the movie and they brought it back with Magneto.

SPIDER-MAN

(Includes Spider-Man 1, 2 and 3)

Combined PB: 597M

Combined DG: 1.1B

Combined WWG: 2.5B

At the time, the first Spider-Man had the biggest opening of all time, becoming the first film to pass the 100M mark. It later became surpassed by its sequel. Spider-Man earned 114M its opening weekend and 39M in a single day.

The PB on this summer's The Amazing Spider-Man is 175M, and it's one of the film industry's most highly anticipated films of the year. My friends and I are personally not that jazzed about it, but I'll still probably see it anyway. It is a superhero movie.

FANTASTIC FOUR

(Includes Fantastic Four and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer)

Combined PB: 207.5M

Combined DG: 286.6M

Combined WWG: 618.9M

Marvel is currently rebooting this series. Hopefully it'll be better than the shit sandwich that was the first one. Also, I'm guessing Chris Evans will NOT make an appearance, although that would be kind of funny.

DAREDEVIL

PB: 80M

DG: 102.5M

WWG: 182.M

ELEKTRA

PB: 65M

DG: 24.4M

WWG: 56.4

Daredevil and Elektra both made about six dollars at the box office. I heard that Marvel is planning a Daredevil reboot starring Josh Hartnett as Matt Murdock.

GHOST RIDER

(Includes Ghost Rider and Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance)

Combined PB: 177M

Combined DG: 167.6M

Combined WWG: 347.4

The PB for the second Ghost Rider was WAY lower than the first- about 150 million lower, probably due to either A) the performance of the first film or

B) the fact that "starring Nicolas Cage" is enough to keep the entire country away from the movie theater.

DC has less of a well-known lexicon, and therefore not as many characters to work with. A lot of their upcoming movies are taken from their graphic novel off-shoot companies (in particular, Wildstorm, Vertigo and Zuda). Here are the numbers for their most famous, and recent, franchises. FYI, the CW has also greenlit a series for the DC character of Green Arrow for this fall. We'll see how well that goes.

I'm not including the Superman and Batman movies before the 2000's, because those aren't recent enough.

BATMAN

BATMAN BEGINS

PB: 150M

DG: 205.3M

WWG: 372.7M

THE DARK KNIGHT

I feel as if I shouldn't even include this in here, since The Dark Knight raised the bar for not only comic book movies, but film in general in regards to acting, writing, directing, cast credentials, anticipation and box office. HOWEVER- it is, technically a superhero movie.

PB: 185M 

DG: 533.3M

WWG: 1B

The PB for this summer's The Dark Knight Rises is 250M. THIS is my most anticipated movie of 2012. You could not pay me enough money not to be there opening day. I'll sneak in if I have to. The amount of money this movie is going to make is absolutely ridiculous. I don't even want to know. Also, to prevent against the backlash the Academy faced when it failed to recognize The Dark Knight, I'm also predicting Oscar nominations.

UPDATE- guess who just bought her ticket for OPENING NIGHT. IN IMAX.

This girl. OH YEAH.

CATWOMAN

PB: 100M

DG: 40.2M

WWG: 82.1M

This movie, despite being part of the Batman universe, was a critical mess and failed to perform. 

Much like my ex. Zing.

SUPERMAN

SUPERMAN RETURNS

PB: 232M

DG: 200.1M

WWG: 390.9M

This wasn't a certified disaster, but it was disappointing. Plans for sequels were nixed due to the backlash thrown at the cast, writing and directing. When you think about how awesome the first two Superman movies were, this film did, in fact, blow copious amounts of ass. 

Also, my dad and I hated it to the point where he got really mad and almost asked for his money back. Dad still talks about this. It's like his 'Nam.

2013's reboot Man of Steel has a PB of 175M. Most Superman fans (and myself) are very apprehensive about this movie. I'm not sure how well it will do- it's been moved around a few times; reactions to stills and casting have not been great and people are still pissed about Superman Returns. I'm guessing it's a fail, but I'll form a better opinion closer to the date. I'll also wait for reviews to decide whether or not to spend my money.

WATCHMEN

PB: 138M

DG: 107.5M

WWG: 184.7M

Everyone said that this couldn't be adapted onto the screen, and they were right. The reaction was awful (except for the great beginning sequence, the film itself was underwhelming). However, DC are planning sequels, in the form of graphic novels.


Check out how the poster claims that the movie is "From the Visionary Director of 300." Considering the collapse of Watchmen, the abortion that was Sucker Punch and the crap in between those two that I've never even heard of, I'm going with Yeah. No.


Don't think so.

Of course, based on the critical and commercial death of Watchmen, DC and Warner Bros. went with the only logical choice to direct Man of Steel- Zack Snyder. Again. 

GREEN LANTERN

PB: 200M

DG: 116.6M

WWG: 222M

This bombed pretty badly, although I heard that DC wants to do a sequel anyway. I didn't see it. Valiant effort, but no dice.

Also, DC has been looking for a vehicle for Wonder Woman, and this JLA film may be their way of trying to get that off the ground. They recently tried a TV pilot, and it was a total failure. The costume looked like one of those dog costumes from Party City. Apparently they've been trying to get a movie going for years, and that hasn't worked either.

I would totally see this movie. Twice.

If you look at the numbers between Marvel and DC, Marvel's box office and critical reception are far better than DC's (not counting The Dark Knight- that movie is an anomaly). They also have a larger lexicon, which attracts a bigger fanbase and allows for more movies/spin-offs/franchises/merchandise, and constantly introduce more recent characters that keep evolving, which equals a younger audience. DC recently tried this with the "New 52," which rebooted their older franchises such as Superman, and it was not met with a lot of critical acclaim, or the best reception from fans. Characters such as Superman and Batman will always be fan favorites, but older audiences (i.e. parents) are tougher to break into.

In order to even come close to mirroring the numbers of The Avengers, the JLA movie needs to modernize itself. 

The characters in The Avengers are played by actors that we know, for the most part: RDJ (hell-O), Scarlett Johansson, Samuel L. Jackson, Chris Evans. 

Stop! In the name of love.

Spider-Man was an Avenger at one point, so if they choose to include him in the next movie, that would be one more face that kids would know, since after The Amazing Spider-Man, Andrew Garfield should expect his career to explode.

With the exception of Christian Bale, who may not even continue in the role of Batman, the JLA movie will have to completely rely on new faces and cast a lot of well-known actors. Considering they can't get any Wonder Woman projects off the ground, this may be more difficult than we think (I still say the dog would be great). I'd also like to see how the new Superman movie does- if that backfires, they'll have to retool that role as well. 

The characters in the Avengers are also fairly familiar, even to children- the faces of Iron Man, Captain America, and the like, even without their stand-alone franchises, have been popular for decades. Spider-Man, an original Avenger, should fit in well with the mix, if they go that route.

Those in the JLA- Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Flash and Martian Manhunter, have been rendered less recognizable over the last few decades. With the exception of Superman and Batman, who are and always will be classic and beloved icons to children, their parents and the fanboy/girl universe, the characters have to re-establish themselves. Wonder Woman, arguably the most popular of the remaining four, strongly appeals to women, but not so much to a general male populace. Not only that, but her character generally can’t seem to find its footing in modern pop culture.

Aquaman and The Flash haven’t had any solo projects (unless you count the parody in Entourage, which the under-12 set hopefully didn’t watch), and you would be hard-pressed to find anyone, besides your average Comic Con attendee, who has heard of Martian Manhunter. (I totally don't count, because I'm a loser) DC has chosen to rectify this by churning out a ton of movies based on their entire lexicon; however, characters such as The Flash and Lobo (who most likely won’t appear in the JLA movie, unless he's the villain) are not generally well known with audiences.

Yikes.

Marvel also did itself a huge service by hiring Joss Whedon- a god within the sci-fi community- to direct The Avengers and pen the screenplay, which is basically a no-fail way to get asses in seats. Personally I think everything Whedon's ever put out is pretentious and annoying- save for Cabin in the Woods and Buffy, which is one of the most genius television shows ever created- but even I have to admit that this film is pretty amazing.

Warner Bros. has apparently hired Will Beall to write the JLA film- he’s in good standing with the studio, having already tried his hand at Gangster Squad and both the Logan’s Run and Lethal Weapon remakes- but none of those have been released yet, so there are no numbers as to anything with his name on it. These four movies will be Beall's first major studio releases, and this is a huge gamble on the studio’s part.

I'll be at two of those, of course, because my husband is in them. Early stills of Gangster Squad feature him with a dog, and also beating some guy over the head with a tire iron. It's like Drive, in the '40's, with puppies! I'll be in my room. Alone.

This one actually kind of turns me on the most.
Does that make me a sociopath?

Not to mention that The Avengers has already made over a billion dollars worldwide, and it has only been in theaters for a month and a half. That’s one tough record to break.

The point here is that while I'm sure the Justice League movie will perform successfully, at least worldwide, there is no way in Hell it's coming close to The Avengers' box office. DC needs to re-familiarize themselves with a younger audience with shorter attention spans, build a more solid franchise and have a stronger box office draw with a larger family of characters.


Also, puppies! Get on that, DC!

All Apologies

I got really bored at work today, because it's a day that ends in "Y" and therefore I have nothing to do but sit around, look up asinine shit and harass Coyote Tits on Facebook. I was perusing the celebrity gossip sites, pretending it's "for research" (hey, I work for a film company!), when I found this on Dlisted.com. It's a screen capture of some idiot tweenybopper's (let's hope) Twitter feed, and frighteningly, I actually think whoever wrote it is 100% serious:

Welcome to our future, ladies and... well, clearly not ladies. And also, no gentlemen, either. So... toddlers? Chihuahuas? Fans of the Alabama Crimson Tide? (Fuck those guys! Go Gators!) Miley Cyrus?

Sounds about right.

Upon closer inspection of this mystical revelation posted by "Amanda Bieber" (I'm guessing not written on her birth certificate), I realized that her tweet did not, in fact, make me mentally implode as much as I expected it to. Now, before you're all like, "What the fuck?"; just hear me out, and draw your own conclusions:

1)  Read it over again: this girl's logic may be exponentially flawed, but her grammar and spelling are impeccable. So at least, you know, there's that. Yay, education?

B) This incredibly discomforting Twitter post just proves that Kurt Cobain, who I grew up rocking out to even after his death, really did predict the future with his words. Observe some lyrics from Nirvana's massive classic hit "Smells Like Teen Spirit":

Load up on guns, bring your friends 
It's fun to lose and to pretend 
She's overboard and self-assured 
Oh, no, I know a dirty word 


With the lights out, it's less dangerous 
Here we are now, entertain us 
I feel stupid and contagious 
Here we are now, entertain us 


Almost twenty years later, we have "Amanda Bieber." I think I'm done here.


PS- shit, I'm old.


SHARKTOPUS) We can all rest assured that one day, this delusional moron will eventually die. Also, so will Justin Bieber. 


You can all check out Dlisted's original post here.

Oh, Canada! (Nugs vs. Allison Edition: VICTORY IS MINE!)

Now that the hockey season is over, which I'm still trying to wrap my head around, LA finally has something going for them (besides being 65 degrees and sunny in January, which doesn't suck, BTW)- they finally have their name engraved on the Stanley Cup. 

This is the first time in history for the franchise, and only their second time in the playoffs- the last time the Kings were even in contention was in 1993. Not only that, but they eliminated New Jersey, who knocked out my Rangers, so this is even more exciting for me. What's even better is that my brother, who spent the entire postseason critiquing the Rangers and their inability to perform, and Coyote Tits, with whom I have been engaged in "friendly" warfare for the last two months, are both rabid Devils fans. 

So not only did they both lose, but so did Allison, who, in the spirit of our bet, has to display this logo on her blog for the next month:

FINAL SCORE: NUGS 12, ALLISON 10

She only lost by two points, but still. Shame on you, Allison. You're the Canadian; you must be super embarrassed right now. Meanwhile, I narrowly avoided putting the Flyers logo on That Ain't Kosher, so yay for me.

For those of you not caught up on our benign competition, Allison and I awarded ourselves one point each for every team we predicted would advance in the Quarter- and Semifinals, two points for the Finals, and three points for the Stanley Cup winner. I asked for bonus points every time the Rangers won, but Allison said no. I guess she's not generous that way. Maybe because she's from Canada. :( 

Meanwhile, enjoy our recaps of the final round of the Stanley Cup playoffs, and check back next year when I'm pretty sure we'll do this again, if Allison isn't too humiliated about losing to a Yank.You can also read her recaps here.

ALLISON:

Well despite New Jersey's attempts to get back in the series, ultimately the Los Angeles Kings prevailed and won Lord Stanley's Cup. Now, I lost this bet - which is totally embarrassing...but I only lost by 2 points. I made some fatal errors early in the playoffs and now I have to have this ugly logo on my blog till July 12.

But I assure you that my heart will always belong in Montreal. And hey, they got a new coach and hopefully they'll make some positive changes over the summer and play a better 2012-13 season. See you in September Montreal.

Anyways, LA was unbelievable during the entire post-season. I hope it makes Vancouver, St. Louis and Phoenix fans feel a bit better about their losses. They were just unstoppable. New Jersey fans are probably still licking their wounds today, but they also had a surprising rise to the top. I don't think anyone could have predicted this from the beginning. Nugs was convinced that it would be NYR in the final, and I figured Vancouver would end up with a second chance at the Cup. The playoffs are a whole other thing, as my father always says. You can't base wins and losses on regular season results.

So congrats LA - hopefully the select few hockey fans you have in your city celebrate in your honour. Canadians can be proud as well because more than half the players on the team are Canadian, which means the Cup will be coming home in a way.

P.S. Jersey fans, how do you feel about the 5 minute minor? Bet that stung. Don't riot like Vancouver. Stay classy.

NUGS:

Fun fact about my history with the Los Angeles Kings:

I'll always go die-hard for the New York Rangers. I was born, raised, and even though I currently live in LA, will most likely die in New York City. The very first hockey game I ever attended was a Rangers home game (they massacred the Islanders; what a shock). However, what REALLY got me wet for the sport was when I took a trip to LA with my family and we went to see the Kings play. I was really young, probably no older than eight, and we had seats right behind the ice. I saw Wayne Gretzky AND Luc Robitaille play; and I also witnessed some dude get thrown up against the glass right in front of me. Blood and teeth went everywhere, and my little mind was blown. It was amazing, and I was hooked. 

If nothing else, THIS is why you should be watching hockey, people.

I would also like to point out that Gretzky retired a Ranger, BTW. It's one of the highlights of my life that I will be able to tell my grandkids that I saw him play for our team. You know, in case I ever have any grandkids. Or if I ever have any kids. If I ever manage to hypnotize some guy into like, texting me back or something.

The Kings won the Cup at the Staples Center, and since I'm poor, I watched the game last night on a couch sandwiched between my dad, my uncle and a box of pizza, but it was still so satisfying to see them take home the gold (or...silver? Whatever). Their playoff run was a true Cinderella story- they flip-flopped through the whole season, just barely squeaking into the playoffs, and then proceeded to spank everyone in their trail on their way to the Cup. No one predicted this until the final final round, and even then, the Devils did give them an impressive 6 games, becoming the only team in the postseason to beat the Kings more than once. Now that I think about it, maybe it's a good thing the Rangers were out of the running- I doubt anybody could have won against LA this year. They were on fire. Jonathan Quick, the very first American Conn-Smythe trophy winner, proved himself to be the most formidable goalie in the NHL, and Kings captain Brown, along with team foundations Kopitar, Penner, Richardson, Gagne, Stoll and stellar addition Carter, drove the team through four playoff rounds that left ESPN commentators, hockey analysts and fans everywhere essentially going, "WTF?"

Game 6 itself wasn't even a contest- New Jersey had a 5-minute minor, with the Kings scoring three goals before the second period. Even my brother knew the Devils were done. He probably started shaving off his annual playoff beard before the first period was over. Sad- he couldn't even grow facial hair before the age of 23 and now it had to go away. 

I know that one of my biggest gripes at That Ain't Kosher is about bandwagon sports "fans" (oh haaaai Philadelphia) and how obnoxious they are, and Los Angeles is famous for this kind of half-assed adoration. However, hockey is so under-appreciated that I actually don't mind all these newly-discovered Kings admirers that will surely come with this victory- as long as it's not the type of "fans" that wear pink sparkly hats and midriff t-shirts and can't name one player on the Kings besides "the quarterback." Any extra attention that is bestowed upon the awesome sport of hockey is good enough for me- as long as that recognition doesn't die out come next Fall.

Please don't do this. PS- a Flyers fan! What a surprise.

Anyway, now that the Kings have taken the trophy, look for me at the victory parade on Thursday. I'll be the one making a complete ass of myself, because that's how I roll.