THIS WON'T GET YOU LAID

Now that Valentine's Day is over, I'd like to congratulate everyone for living through it without blowing through everything in their wallet. I spent my day watching the winter Olympics and eating Chinese. My mom got me a card and a few of my friends sent me V-Day texts (one of my more hysterical friends sent me a "Happy VD!" Awesome). It actually wasn't so bad.

You know that friend I mentioned that subscribes to all those wedding magazines like they're the fucking DaVinci code of monthly publications or something? In honor of the holiday, she sent out one of those "Perfect Guy" bullshit chain letters, and I could not believe the shit that she put on there. No guy in his right mind would ever do any of this crap, and if he would, he's your gay friend (or really, REALLY desperate). So I decided to copy her list here and add my own commentary, because everyone thinks I am hilarious.

PS- When it comes to this girl, I use the word "friend" loosely.

1) TRY TO SECRETLY SMELL YOUR HAIR, BUT YOU ALWAYS NOTICE

Why the fuck would a guy want to sniff my hair? Please- I know what you're really after. You're only trying to get close to me so you can stick your hands in my underwear.

2) GIVE YOU THE REMOTE CONTROL DURING THE GAME

First of all, this assumes that girls don't like sports. I love watching "The Game." Second of all, no girl on her medication is dumb enough to change the channel when her boyfriend's favorite team is winning. And if she does, he SHOULD give her the remote- by burying her with it.

3) COME UP BEHIND YOU AND PUT HIS ARMS AROUND YOU

This would scare me. When you enter a room, announce your presence- loudly, so I don't think you're a serial killer and knee you in the nuts.

4) PLAY WITH YOUR HAIR

Again with the hair? OK, how's this for a trade-off- you touch my hair, I fling a ponytail holder into your eye.

FYI- if you've been reading my blog, you know how much I hate when guys play with my hair.

5) HIS HAND ALWAYS FINDS YOURS

Hand-holding is for seventh graders. I'm always down for a good drunken lap dance instead.

6) SLOW-DANCE WITH YOU

Oh, please. Any girl that forces a guy to slow-dance should have her face caught in a bear trap. "Nobody puts Baby in a corner"...with a firing squad.

7) REACT SO CUTELY WHEN YOU HIT HIM AND IT ACTUALLY HURTS

How come when a girl hits a guy, he should "react cutely," but when a guy hits a girl, she should call the cops and move in with her sister? Talk about a double standard. Violence is never the answer, unless you're watching Shoot 'Em Up (YES to Clive Owen).

8) DRIVE 5 HOURS JUST TO SEE YOU FOR 1

Now that's just stupid.

9) BE CUTE WHEN HE REALLY WANTS SOMETHING

See, this is where the late, great art of "communication" comes in (thanks again, Facebook!). If I want something...well, I pretty much just take it. But everyone else should just ask. This is how fights are avoided. No one can read minds, especially not those retards on the Psychic Network.

10) STARE AT YOU

What the fuck? How creepy is that? Psychiatrists have a word for that: SOCIOPATH. And while I have dated some scary losers, none of them have belonged in the mental ward- at least not officially.

So there you go. If you're a guy, you're probably rocking back and forth and shuddering uncontrollably. And if you're a girl, you're probably just thinking about how warped this chick's brain is. BTW, you can probably see this list on other sites because she sent it to like 100 other people. I'm serious.

Sometimes I'm really glad I'm single.

CELEBRATE WITH BOURBON

Assuming you were one of the 70 bajillion people who watched the Superbowl last night, who were you rooting for- the Colts or the Saints?

HA! Both were wrong. The correct answer is the JETS. It is always the JETS.

A couple of months ago I had dinner with a bunch of my girlfriends. This was right in the middle of the football season, and it didn't look good for me, as I'm a long-suffering, die-hard Jets fan. Sitting with me at the table was also a Colts fan, a Bengals fan and my friend Tammy, who's from New Orleans. We got into a long discussion about her team, "the 'Aints," and how they make the entire state of Louisiana cry. They were doing well this year, but she was trying not to be too optimistic, given their track record.

Flash-forward two months, and the Jets have beaten the Bengals, the Colts have beaten the Jets to win the AFC (and I have thrown shit against my wall) and the Saints have beaten the Colts to become the new Superbowl champs. Holy shit, no one saw that coming. Congratulations, Tammy. I owe you a beer...or six.




I look forward to Superbowl Sunday every year- I consider it a national holiday. Even when I don't necessarily care which team wins, I always find someone to root for. This year, the Saints destroyed the Vikings, and I hate Brett Favre, whose old-man ass ruined the Jets last year; and the Colts knocked out the Jets for the AFC Championship, so I was totally going for the Saints. Plus I knew it would be a great game- both teams are pretty evenly matched in both offense, defense and coaching, and I was pretty sure it wouldn't be a very high-scoring game. I was actually predicting somewhere around 24-21.

The game itself was, in fact, pretty amazing. The Saints came back from a 10-point deficit in the first quarter to win with two touchdowns in the second half. The most mind-blowing moment came in the very first second of the third quarter with that oneside kick made by the Saints that gave them change of possession and their first lead of the game. It was definitely a "WTF?" moment. I'd been watching ESPN coverage all morning and NO ONE predicted that the Saints would win the Superbowl- that one play changed everything. The Saints seemed to be such sentimental favorites that I wondered if the Colts would actually get booed if they won.

What was really surprising was that, unless I missed it, the camera never once panned to Kendra Wilkinson, who's married to the Colts' Hank Baskett, or Kim Kardashian, whose boyfriend is Reggie Bush of the Saints. That was disappointing- my friends and I had a whole drinking game planned for that! The battle between Kendra's ginormous fake boobs and Kim's epic ass could have been the real Halftime Show- hell, that could be the SyFy Channel's next movie. I'd watch that.

Speaking of the Halftime Show, The Who is always great- I've loved them since my parents took me to see Tommy when I was a little kid- but here's my beef: Did they really have to play the songs that just so happen to be the three theme songs from all the CSI's? I understand that this is CBS, and that those are coincidentally three of their most popular songs, and I really shouldn't complain, because Baba O'Reilly just happens to be my favorite Who tune. But no one tells The Who what to play. If Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey want to come onstage in a dress and heels surrounded by a litter of puppies, you say "OK" and shut the fuck up. Other than that, though, they sounded awesome.

And BTW, what the fuck was up with the commercials this year? I've always had a soft spot for the Superbowl ads because they're responsible for my love affair with football. In my second year of college, I took an advertising class where my professor gave us an assignment to watch the Big Game and write a paper on which ads were the best and the worst. My intention was to TiVo (ha! remember that?) the actual game and watch the commercials, but I actually found myself drawn in by the action. It was the Patriots vs. the Panthers, and my dad hates the Patriots, so he got really into it, and so did I. Later I remember it being referred to as "the greatest Superbowl of all time." Now, as a Jets fan, I still hate the Patriots, and rooting against them is a great bonding experience for my dad and I (even though he's a Giants fan- sucks to be you, Dad!).

Anyway, the commercials really sucked ass this year. I'm not big into this feminist bullshit, but there were a lot of really misogynistic ads. I have a ton of girlfriends that watch football and enjoy it just as much as my guy friends do. That one commercial where the guy was forced to go underwear shopping with his girlfriend really pissed me off. Another shitty one was the Coke ad about Mr. Burns. Come on- a Simpsons cartoon with no voices? What a waste.

The movie trailers were disappointing, too- Alice In Wonderland looks boring as shit. Tim Burton needs to stop.

There were some ads that I liked, though- the Denny's one with the screaming chickens running around, especially the silent one in space? I don't know why, but I thought that was fucking hilarious. Maybe someone slipped something into my drink. Another good one was the one for Dodge, with the guy making all the promises- especially the one about watching the "vampire shows." That part was great- vampire shows are horrible.

I liked the ad for Google because it seemed to cater to the women that watch football, too- there are some of us, you know. The commercial had no actors, just the Google icon showing a male exchange student's journey through Paris as he meets a girl, asks her out, marries her and has a baby (spelling stuff wrong), using the Google search engine. It was sweet, and seemed almost out of place for a Superbowl ad.

However, everyone will probably agree with me that the best (and most hysterical) commercial was the Snickers ad with Abe Vigoda and Betty White. The concept was a little ridiculous- you'll play football like an old lady if you don't eat Snickers- but she made it awesome. The best part was when one of the players says, "you're playing like Betty White!" and she says, "that's not what your girlfriend said!" I love Betty White- everything she does is great. She even made The Proposal watchable because she has no shame. You can see the ad here.



So that's my (abbreviated) Superbowl recap. Check back in next February when it's the Jets against someone in the NFC.

PS- in case you were wondering, I also DVR'd the Puppybowl.

WOULD YOU HIT IT? THE "MEN OF LOST" EDITION

I don't have a lot going on in my life right now, so there's not much I look forward to. However, considering I would push any one of my friends in front of a speeding car in order to get home in time for a new episode of Lost, I feel that I should do something to celebrate tomorrow night's final season premiere. (8pm on ABC! For three whole hours! And no, this is not a shameless plug- I don't work for them.)

There's this hilarious blog that I stumbled across called "Living With Balls" that's written by a guy who also loves Lost. One of his latest entries is a pros-and-cons list of what it would be like to nail any of the women on the island. It's pretty funny, but for any of you that watch the show, you probably know that there's some pretty hot pieces of ass for us girls, too.

So here's my retaliation- I call it the "Would You Hit It: The 'Men of Lost' Edition." Enjoy, ladies. (PS- you can check out his list here.)

Criteria: Really old guys and kids were left off the list. So no Walt, Aaron (he's a baby, you sick fucks!), Des and Penny's kid Charlie, Christian Shepard, Bernard or Widmore, no matter how much money he has. This doesn't apply to Locke, though, because he's such an integral part of the show. Also, the guy that plays Jacob is kind of decent looking, but we haven't determined if he's actually human, or myth, or whatever, so he (and MIB) are left off the list too. Happy choosing.

JACK


PROS- Jack is pretty sexy, no matter which way you look at it. His dad is pretty decent looking for an older guy, too, which means he's got good genes.

-He's a doctor, so he'll be able to fix you if you hurt yourselves trying out some weird position.

CONS- He's kind of a self-righteous dick. He's also addicted to pills and he drinks a lot.

-Has a tendency to grow unflattering beards

-Has serious daddy issues

-Is still in love with Kate, whose sole purpose on the island seems to be to run around and fuck things up while distracting everyone with her horse-like teeth

-Wears WAY too much clothing. You're on a deserted island, dude! Let's see some skin!





SAWYER

PROS- Again, you can't argue the fact that he's pretty hot, and he likes to walk around shirtless (score!).

-Open to doing it anywhere, such as a polar bear cage on a tropical island in front of a secret security camera

-Is smarter than he appears. He's always reading and making references to literary classics.

-Wicked sense of humor

CONS- Makes goo eyes at Kate while still plugging Juliet, who is clearly the better choice

-That pesky criminal record (but PRO- access to handcuffs)

-Has an illegitimate daughter. Baggage!



LOCKE

PROS- Is handy with knives, so he's good in a fight

-Great backgammon skills

-Wheelchair fights!

CONS- He's old. No way around that. He's also a little bit nuts.

-Only one kidney, so he's useless if you need one of those.

-There's a strong possibility that he could already be dead.



HURLEY

PROS- He seems like a genuinely nice guy, and there SO many of those to go around.

-He's a lottery winner. So unless he's totally against getting on a plane ever again, imagine the travel possibilities!

CONS- No nice way to put it- not the best looking guy on the list. Sorry, Hurley.

-This whole "I see dead people" deal is creepy as fuck.

-Lives in a mental hospital



SAYID

PROS- Has already been married, so there's no commitment phobia

-Um, have you seen his arms?

-Multi-lingual- so good for getting through security or the Kama Sutra

CONS- Been known to torture people to get information. Good luck with hiding that Visa bill.

-Horrible taste in women- fell in love with Shannon. Then again, this probably means that it's anyone's game.

-Has no problem shooting little kids



BEN

PROS- Capable of raising a daughter- kind of

-Good at following orders

CONS- Creepy as all hell. Also lies a lot.

-Kidnaps people and does weird shit to them

-Killed a bunch of people



JIN

PROS- He might show it in a weird way, but he's totally in love with his wife. So he's definitely capable of committed relationships.

-Handy at catching food

-Damn, this dude just won't die.

CONS- Barely speaks English

-Precarious occupation

-Has been known to fake his own death



CHARLIE

PROS- Played in a band. Most women would agree that's pretty hot.

-Sexy British accent

-Sacrificed himself for the island and for Claire (I may have gotten teary-eyed)

CONS- Heroin addict

-Presumed dead. May put a damper on dates.



BOONE

PROS- Totally hot. Just look at him.

-He was getting pretty handy with the boar hunting, so he could find you food if you needed it.

CONS- Fucked his stepsister. That's just gross.

-He's dead. Unless you're into necrophilia, I'd stay away.



DANIEL FARADAY

PROS- Ability to time travel. That's pretty kick-ass.

-Was a college professor and developed several formulas. So you know he's really smart.

CONS- Serious mom issues

- Those headaches and nosebleeds are a real bitch

-You might be better suited for someone who's alive



MILES

PROS- Hilarious, sarcastic sense of humor

CONS- Creepy ability to talk to dead people

-Another castaway with daddy issues



DESMOND

PROS- Time-traveling abilities are pretty awesome

-Kind of hot, in a scruffy, UK-way

-Not afraid to walk around half naked

-Lived in the hatch without going completely nuts, so he's got staying power

CONS- Deals with stress by drinking until passed out or becoming a monk- or both

-Tends to propose to women and then gets cold feet

-OK, maybe he's a little nuts



RICHARD ALPERT

PROS- Seemingly ageless, so you don't have to worry about his looks going anytime soon

-Knows a bunch of different languages- is up on his Latin and seems to be familiar with ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs

-Not much is known about him, and we women love mystery. Am I right, ladies?

CONS- Might steal your eyeliner

-Will most likely be prettier than you for decades



MICHAEL

PROS- Begged his girlfriend to marry him and to let him see his son, so no commitment issues there

-Good at building rafts, so you can travel anywhere for free

CONS- Needs serious time on the couch

-Was probably blown up on the boat



VINCENT

PROS- Always happy, loyal and adorable.

CONS- He's a dog, you disgusting perverts. I just put him on this list to trick you.



If I were stranded on the island and I had to pick one, I would go with Jack, because I'm shallow, and look at him. As long as he didn't go on and on with this "live together, die alone" crap, we'd be all set. Boone would be my second choice, but I can't get past this whole "I banged my stepsister" deal, especially when said stepsister is Shannon. I mean, really? SHANNON? REALLY!?

To get the men's version, check out the link at the beginning, and everyone watch the season premiere tomorrow night. It's the last season, so you know your head will explode.