I just realized I haven't put up a post in over two weeks. Instead of beating myself up for being inadequate, I actually feel pretty accomplished because I've been getting a ton of shit done.
April 2011 was like the month of Ninja Skills for me. I picked up a bunch of freelance projects and I've been working 14-hour days while I impress everybody with my over-achievement and glorious ability to multi-task. Not only that, but I may have- MAY HAVE- joined the ranks of the employed. I only say "may have" because even though the job would enable me to live in New York (excitement plus!!!), my boss is based in LA, and so far everything I've been promised out there has turned out to be a complete fucking lie. So we'll see. This job starts Monday, and I'll keep you guys updated on that (you know it).
I've also joined forces with some of my best and most favorite bloggy friends and am now co-authoring two more monumental pieces of literature:
Risha and I started the anti-fashion movement Whut Is Fashun?, where anyone can go to bitch about why all of a sudden there's a fucking law against wearing sweats to the grocery store. I've never done a so-called "fashion" blog before, but "anti-anything" is OK with me. I mean, please. My entire uniform is three pairs of jeans on rotation and t-shirts with band logos or 80's cartoons.
If that's not enough dry aspersion for you, I also started a group blog with a bunch of my accomplices from The Nip Clique. It's called Childhood Trauma, and we use it as an outlet to destroy a bunch of books that we loved as kids but now realize were totally fucked up and caused major personal issues in our development as functioning adults. I'll be covering the Babysitters Club series along with Nicole, Lorraine is handling Sweet Valley High, Nips is taking over the Goosebumps books and Lily is reviewing The Boxcar Children. Of course, we'll be stealing each others' book series sometimes, too, because that's just how we roll. We started this blog like three days ago and it already has a third of the followers that I do. I'm so proud. <3
The first posts are already up, and you can check them out here.
Speaking of my blogoverse compatriots, I recently got the chance to hang with a bunch of them when they visited New York. You WILL be hearing about that soon, I promise, as soon as I get off my ass and get motivated.
I'm also super excited for this month's Movie Reviews. We've finally chosen a name for the ring, and not only that, but this month's swap list is pretty much the greatest Round Table of Win ever created. We have a whole new list of recruits this month, as well some of the usual epic participants, and seriously, just wait until you guys see this shit- it will blow your fucking mind.
I've also finally gotten around to what I promised you all last month, which is an Aural Sex column written entirely by guest posters. To those of you that volunteered to chip in and haven't yet done so, get me your shit, already. I won't point fingers, because my mom taught me that pointing is rude, and my fingers are too tiny (but double-jointed, FYI).
For those of you that are interested, I'm looking for your three favorite bands and/or your most anticipated albums of the summer. The post will go up on Tuesday, May 10th; drop me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com by the 5th or feel my ninja wrath.
So that's what's been going down in Nugslandria. I didn't forget about you guys; I've just been seriously occupied with my own crap for once. I swear I'll post more, since now I've actually been hit with some deadlines I actually care about.
I know I promised you guys a collabo this month, but there’s been a slight (read: huge) change because that idea kind of didn’t work out.
A) As it happens, KROD videos went up today too, and I know a lot of you are pumped about that. I actually would have done it as well, but I had to stick to my own deadline. Sorry! Next month, for sure. <3
2) Only two of you got your posts to me on time. What the fuck, guys? I gave you what, like, a month? I have all these cookies on the table and none of you get ANY OF THEM.
Cat) The second Tuesday of April happens to be the day Foo Fighters drop their seventh LP, Wasting Light. For the three of you who aren’t aware, I’ve been infatuated with them since junior high, and since today is Aural Sex day, I decided to push the guest posts back to May and dedicate this month’s column to the Foo’s.
I’ve been following Dave Grohl’s career since he first came up with Nirvana in the late 80’s. Even though I loved the first Foo Fighters album (aptly self-titled), I wasn’t made fully aware of his encompassing genius until the 1997 release of The Colour and the Shape. Since then, I’ve been to every tour, including one secret show in LA a couple of months ago. Dave came so close to me that I could almost grab his shoe and take it home with me as a souvenir. I didn’t though, because that would have been creepy.
Anyway, for this month’s special Foo Fighters edition of Aural Sex, I’ve ranked all their studio albums in order of my favorites, provided a list of my top 20 Foo tunes, and, for your enjoyment, linked to their three best videos. Not only can Dave Grohl play every single instrument, front the band AND host a million side projects, but he’s also hilarious. God, Dave Grohl, stop not sucking. (PS- his birthday is two days after mine, albeit with a few years on me. Further proof that Capricorns are, in fact, taking over the universe.)
Here’s my definitive guide to all things Foo. As a thank-you, I accept cash, check, and Lion-O action figures.
(For those of you jonesing for more of my musical expertise, you can also catch me on Allison’s blog, My Quarter-Life Crisis, today. It’s her birthday, so she recruited me to send her a party playlist devoted to her. Narcissism- gotta love it.)
There’s a reason this is everybody’s favorite- every single track on this album is straight-up amazing. I knew as soon as I heard this that it was a classic, even though it had only been released a week prior. People that don’t even like Foo Fighters (I can’t imagine that one might exist, but they probably do, somewhere) love this album.
The album that allowed Dave Grohl to come into his own, Foo Fighters' self-titled debut was actually written and recorded almost entirely by Grohl. I had no idea when listening to this the impact this band would have on my life; I just knew that my mind was sufficiently blown.
Best Track: God, this was tough. I'll say... I’ll Stick Around. (Yes. Yes, I will.)
This album went back to original form- i.e. Dave screaming. Apparently the band realized that even though they’re great no matter what, this is the formula that works out the best for them (see: Wasting Light).
I first heard every track on the Foo’s newest album at their secret show in LA a couple of months ago, and I got so excited I was almost aroused. I made a total ass out of myself in front of the friend I went with, jumping around all tard-like. I'm surprised he still talks to me.
The band members are all in their 40’s with kids, but my God, they rock harder than anything I could ever come up with (they played a THREE HOUR SET of the entire new album, plus two hours of all their old shit). I am so psyched for any and all future material if this is any indication.
Just because this is last on the list in no way makes this the worst Foo Fighters album. There IS no worst Foo Fighters album. I couldn’t choose which record belonged at the bottom of the list, so I grudgingly picked this one.
Best Track: Next Year
MOST EPIC FOO FIGHTERS TRACKS: (in chronological order; feel free to include your own)
This Is A Call- Foo Fighters
I’ll Stick Around- Foo Fighters
Big Me- Foo Fighters- The video is hysterical. See below.
Monkey Wrench- The Colour and the Shape
Hey, Johnny Park!- The Colour and the Shape
My Hero- The Colour and the Shape- Supposedly written for Kurt Cobain, not even an inclusion inVarsity Blues could diminish its value (not like I own that movie. Or anything).
Everlong- The Colour and the Shape
Walking After You- The Colour and the Shape- Also used on the soundtrack to the first X-Files movie, it straddles the line between stalkerish and beautiful.
Learn To Fly- There Is Nothing Left To Lose
Next Year- There Is Nothing Left To Lose- Some interesting trivia- this song was used in the “Wipeout!” episode of the WB show Roswell. The Foo’s record label, started by Dave, is called Roswell. Coincidence?
Yeah, probably.
All My Life- One By One
Best Of You- In Your Honor
Marigold- Skin and Bones- For a while the only way to experience this song was to catch one of the band’s live performances. It began as a Nirvana B-side and was later released on the Foo’s live album, Skin and Bones. It’s the only tune to this day that has the distinction of being released by both Nirvana and Foo Fighters.
Skin and Bones- Skin and Bones
Everlong (Acoustic)- Skin and Bones- Almost as epic as the original. You should see them perform this live.
The Pretender- Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace
Let It Die- Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace
Long Road To Ruin- Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace
White Limo- Wasting Light
Arlandria- Wasting Light
BEST FOO FIGHTERS VIDEOS:
Big Me- Easily the funniest of all their videos, the concept is a play on the Mentos commercials. Seriously, just download this and wait to laugh.
Learn To Fly- Finally, something Dave Grohl is not good at- dressing in drag.
Best Of You- Baby animals are adorable- except when they’re eating each other. Oh, well. Enjoy anyway.
Finally, as if this weren’t enough for you, I’ve included a list of the most tri-winning of all of Dave Grohl’s contributions to the music industry, not including Foo Fighters. By reviewing this list, it’s pretty obvious why he (and Thom Yorke, of course- can’t leave him out) is clearly one of the most incomparable powerhouses in entertainment.
Nirvana- I don’t think I need to explain this one to anyone over the age of sixteen, so I’ll just move on.
Queens of the Stone Age- Grohl was a featured guest drummer throughout the band’s stellar 2002 record Songs For The Deaf. He also joined them for a few tour dates, which I sadly missed because I HATE YOU LIFE. This is part of the reason why I am such a huge QOTSA fan- the album was one of my Best Of for the 2000’s.
Juliette Lewis- He recorded all the drums for Lewis’ band, Juliette and the Licks’, 2006 album Four on the Floor. Not many people know this, but if I were ever to give up the penis, it would be for Juliette Lewis. I love her. Not only is she an extremely versatile actress, but she is so fucking weird. I recently saw her put in a surprise appearance for some random band in some show in LA and she was just nuts. I might buy this album just for that combination alone.
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers- Grohl performed with them on Saturday Night Live and was later invited to join, but declined. I don’t know which is cooler- jamming with Tom Petty or actually turning him down.
David Bowie- Not only did Grohl contribute his guitar skills to a David Bowie track, but it was for a Neil Young cover (“I’ve Been Waiting For You”).
Paul McCartney- Grohl has jammed with McCartney several times, but the most notable was when he was chosen as McCartney’s “special guest” to perform the drum part on “Back in the U.S.S.R.” and “I Saw Her Standing There.” When Paul McCartney wants you as his “special guest” to play Beatles songs, you fucking do it. It’s like, are you kidding me? If he wants you as his “special guest” to grease him up to shoot himself out of a cannon lit by retarded monkeys, you fucking do it.
This was probably the better option, though.
Nine Inch Nails- Grohl was the drummer for a multitude of tracks on 2005’s With Teeth.
The Prodigy- Grohl played drums on a couple of songs on The Prodigy’s 2009 album Invaders Must Die.
Brian May/Roger Taylor- Grohl performed vocals on “Tie Your Mother Down” during Queen’s induction at the 2001 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Later, Brian May contributed guitar parts for the Foo Fighters track “Tired Of You.”
Them Crooked Vultures- Dave performs in the supergroup Them Crooked Vultures with John Paul Jones from Led Zeppelin and Josh Homme of QOTSA. In August of 2009, they surprised UK fans of the Arctic Monkeys by appearing as their support. How the fuck did I miss that? Oh right, because I’m broke and can’t afford to go to the UK. Their album was released in the US in November of 2009. It’s amazing. You should buy it.
Pearl Jam- Grohl performed a few songs with them during the Australian leg of their 1995 tour.
Probot- Dave’s foray into metal featured such mainstreams of the genre such as Lemmy from Motorhead and Max Cavalera from Sepultura.
And, as a bonus- In 2002 Dave replaced himself on the Billboard Modern Rock chart when Nirvana’s “You Know You’re Right” was shoved out of the top spot by “All My Life.” This was achieved a second time when QOTSA’s “No One Knows” rolled into Number One. Damn, Dave.
You will notice that Tenacious D appears nowhere on this list. That’s because Jack Black is annoying as hell and they’re not funny.
If you haven’t yet heard anything I’ve mentioned, go directly to iTunes and download everything. The Foos are on tour in support of Wasting Light right now and of course, with my great fortune, not coming anywhere near New York. Whatever. My time will come. I’ve already listened to the album twice today. They’ll come here eventually, and when they do, I am ARMED, yo.
So yesterday I got this interesting email from my friend who I'll refer to as "Bri-Winning." Bri-Winning and I have known each other for a while and he likes to send me comments on my writing, even though he's not actually a writer.
The email had the usual shit in it- "what's up, how you been, you've dropped off the planet so call me bitch etc. etc." Little does he know that Jewish girls are schooled in guilt trips and thus this sort of shit never works on me, so whatever.
Anyway, Bri-Winning totally redeemed himself because he is actually a regular disciple of That Ain't Kosher and does leave the occasional compliment, which, as we all know, is definitely the way to this girl's loins heart. Apparently what he really wanted to let me know was that the review I just wrote of Nicolas Cage's Ghost Rider was the most ingenious piece of prose he'd ever laid eyes on and he was curious as to how one might partake in the Horrible Movie Review extravanganza.
OK, so some of that was completely fabricated. Basically he just wanted to jump on the Nugs Train and analyze a shitty Nic Cage film with the rest of us. Since he's not a blogger, he can't technically participate in the 'ring, but he is sarcastic and hilarious, so I told him to send me what he came up with and I'd post it here. You know, 'cause I'm charitable and such.
So here's my partner in snark of many years, Bri-Winning, with his review of The Rock. Feel free to show him your love. With comments, yo! You little pervs.
The Rock
Whereas the typical action movie involves some version of The Rock, such as Dwayne Johnson, Vin Diesel, Jean Claude Van Damme…you get the picture, one of my all-time favorites is actually called The Rock. Yes, it’s our good friend Nicholas Cage again with his co-star Ed Harris and the unshakably awesome Sean Connery (with the exception of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen). And of course, thrown in for good measure and no particular reason, Candyman himself (ring a bell horror movie fans?) plays arguably the baddest guy of them all (my favorite line: “I’m not a soldier, Major. The day we took hostages we became mercenaries. And mercenaries get paid. I want my FUCKING money!”).
You may notice I said “arguably” the baddest guy…because guess what? It’s a movie with a moral goddamn conundrum! Ed Harris plays a former US black ops officer whose troops died without recognition for their actions. He holds the entirety of San Francisco hostage with biological weapons held at Alcatraz to extort federal funds to pay off the families of the deceased. Well noble intentions often lead to ignoble consequences. The mercenaries steal all the rockets and kill everyone in San Francisco…oh wait that was a dream I had. Ahem…what I meant to say is that our heroes swoop in to save the day: Stanley Goodspeed (Cage), a chemical weapons specialist who was never meant to be in the field, and John Mason (Connery), a former secret service agent that was the only person to ever escape Alcatraz. Well, since Mr. Mason has a secret underwater passage into Alcatraz full of flame jets and everything short of an invisible bridge and latin stepping stones (yes, I am making reference to Connery’s role in The Last Crusade), everything will be fine! Good thing the team does not see their impending doom coming, because that gives us plenty of irony to ponder in the wee hours. After Cage’s and Connery’s secret team tries to take out Harris’ troops and all die (except of course our brave heroes), it’s up to the odd couple (James Bond and our National Treasure) to save the day.
The rest of the movie is great, just lots of action scenes as they defuse every bomb imaginable in some pretty unique and boss (yes I said boss) scenes. Eventually everyone is saved and Connery and Cage bond intensely just short of a shower scene.
Editor's Note: Did anyone else just go to a frightening mental place?
One of my favorite movies of the 1990s. At least watch the first scene to see someone shrivel up from being exposed to a make-believe biological weapon…
If you'd like to get in on next month's 'Ring, drop me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com by April 20th. We hit the fucking lottery with debut reviews coming in from Mandy Moore, Lor, and Sara Nips (you guys promised!), as well as the regular Round Table of Win, so you KNOW it'll be incredibly epic.
Hey Guys, and welcome to this month's installment of Horrible Movie Reviews. I swear I don't rig these, even though this time I get to host Nyx, and you can also find my skewering of Ghost Rider on Nicole's blog, Sweeney Says. I just get cool people to participate in my shit, yo.
If you want to join in the fun for May, shoot me an email at thataintkosher83@gmail.com by April 20th. The theme is Pop Star Month, and Mandy Moore is making her debut with us. She promises to massacre that bitch who keeps trying to shove her out of the spotlight.
Anyway, here's Nyx being all types of awesome. Enjoy:
Hey Y’all, welcome to another round of movie reviews. This month’s reviews are based on Nicholas Cage movies. Thanks to the marvelous Nugs for setting this up – I love you girlie! Seriously, she’s awesome. If you like what you see, be sure to check out my blog at Notions.
Oh, I’m going to have fun with this.
So, after much deliberation (and procrastination), I picked Con Air as my movie of choice. I must admit, I kind of like it, so I’m not all that sure if this review is going to jive with the whole ‘bad movie’ scene or not, but I’ll just play it by ear and we’ll see how it goes.
So here’s how the story goes: Cameron Poe (seriously, could the writers have picked a more romantic name? It sounds like it’s straight out of a harlequin romance novel) gets into a bar fight with some asshole who was messing with his wife, and winds up killing the asshole. Turns out killing a dude is a big fucking deal, especially since Mr. Poe was an Army Ranger.
Whoopsies.
So Poe goes to jail, flash forward eight years. He’s being paroled. Yay for him, he finally gets to see his daughter that he’s never met. The writers must REAAALLLY want you to like this guy. I mean, heck. He’s southern, supposed to be good looking (guess they fucked the casting up), has a baby girl and a wife that he loves to pieces – enough to go without seeing his daughter for eight years, because he didn’t want her to see him in jail. Does he have any faults? Doubtful.
So anyways, our boy Poe is going to be flown back to his home in Alabama on a plane, where he’ll be released upon landing. Several other prisoners are going to flying as well, in order to be transferred to a new Supermax prison, including one Mr. Cyrus the Virus (played by the excellent John Malkovich). Who, of course, prompts a takeover of the plane (because no one saw that coming).
Insert a dumb authority figure here. Said dumb authority figure would be Duncan Malloy. He’s blustery, has a penchant for corvettes (ok, can’t fault him there), and is an absolute ass.
Really. These Hollywood writers need to start creating characters with more than one dimension.
There’s one other character that I’ve neglected to tell you all about, and that is the wonderful Mr. Vince Larkin. He’s the dude in charge of the plane, and it is *painfully* obvious that Malloy is his foil. He’s quiet and even tempered and totally rational.
Anyway, to make matters short, Cyrus and a few other motley members of the plane take over. They’re planning on running away or something, I don’t know, I wasn’t paying much attention during this part of the movie. They manage to dupe the authorities several times during this schtick, and eventually they wind up landing at an abandoned airfield. They did, however, manage to overshoot the runway, and so the plane winds up grounded. I dunno how the hell they were supposed to do it, but Cyrus orders them to dig the plane out (I mean, it’s not like there’s shovels lying around).
Poe is, of course, honorable to the end. After a lot of action sequences, blundering from the authorities, Malloy acting like a general jackass and Larkin being the sole redeemer of the authorities, the plane finally gets in the air. Cyrus, by this point in time, now knows that Poe’s a traitor. He intends on killing Poe, but before he can do that Malloy has his pilots open fire on the plane – disabling one of its engines.
Because of Malloy’s stupidity, the plane now has to land short of where it was going to (which was a conveniently located airstrip nearby). So, of course the next logical place for the plane to land was The Strip.
Yea. Genius.
Plane lands, Cyrus escapes. Poe and Larkin give chase. Poe catches up with Cyrus, Cyrus dies, Poe is reunited with his wife and daughter.
Happily ever fucking after.
My opinion of the movie? Campy. Flat. Not a single character had any depth to them whatsoever.
Although, I will admit, I do own the movie. For those nights when I just don’t feel like thinking.
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