Saturday, October 02, 2010


Here it is: Post Number 69.

For the two of you that don't understand why this is an important entry (ha!) for me, you don't deserve to have it explained to you. In order to commemorate this earth-shattering occasion, I got some of my favorite bloggers to do the work for me. Yeah, I'm constructive like that.

I know I've been building this up for-fucking-ever and you guys are practically spraying with anticipation, so I'll just get to it. I decided to go with a "she-said, he-said" deal and recruited- wait for it- Natalie Paige at Awkward Sex and the City and Danaconda at From the Head of the Danaconda.

I know. Be REALLY fucking jealous.

My only guideline was to stay true to their disgusting, raunchy selves, which played out pretty well. So drink in, eat out, enjoy, and I'll be back in a couple of days.

I always thought having sex with me was like taking a tequila shot: quick and painful and no matter how hard you tried, you just don’t seem to be able to get that “taste” out of your mouth.
Turns out I’m pretty good at sex. Practice makes perfect I always say. And that’s also every whore’s philosophy on sex, myself included.

Actually, I always get told that I was the guys best lay they’ve ever had. Now, at first I thought it was just some thing guys said like, “I love you” or “You’re beautiful” or “Would you like a skittle” but at this point in the game they already “got” me. The gotten has been had, no real need for further compliments.

So I asked my lady friends if the same thing happens to them… and they were like…
“….that means you’re like really really really good at sex.”

I knew I should have gone into porn.

I blame it on the fact that I used to be fat when I was younger.

When you’re fat, you at least try yah know? Everyone knows that’s saying, “Fat girls give better head” Well…everyone knows it, because it holds some truth.

Being fat was almost a gift (a sick sadistic gift, but a gift none the less). It taught me not to take things for granted, sex included.

People always look at the world in a pessimistic view, and believe me I’m one of those people. But some of my worst moments in life have become my greatest gifts, including being fat, ugly and ridicoulusly awkward.

You bitches who’ve been skinny your whole life don’t know it’s like. Let’s be honest, if you’re hot, you’ve never had to be good at anything.

I used to be fat AND ugly, so you better believe there is heart in my “sexnique.” There’s technique…maybe not that much talent, but god damnit there is a whole lot of heart.

After 17 years of an awkward stage now I’m the perfect package: cute as a button, a master of sex and fucking funny as hell.

Suck on that, bitches.

-Natalie Paige, Awkward Sex and the City


Since we're all kinda-sorta adults here, that means we can talk about sex. You know...fucking. If you want to have good sex with someone, rhythm is probably more important than anything. That's why as a sexual partner - you know...someone getting fucked - you can react in many different ways upon hearing this:

"I have to cum."

If you're a dude you're pretty much always happy to hear a woman say this. I don't really see when it could be considered a bad thing.

Editor's Note: I guess if you're eating a chick out at a crowded dinner table or something, but if you're even down there to begin with you would probably want her to cum. What would happen though? Would you just have chick cum all over your face while you're under a table as people eat? Dessert served early I suppose.

Now if you're a chick this can go a few different ways. When a girl is having sex, she's usually happy for the dude to e-jac if she believes he's satisfied her. But how often does that actually happen? Don't answer that. I'd like to keep thinking what my grandma tells me. Holy shit that came out so wrong in this context and I don't know what to do. Let's just keep moving.

So as a chick if you hear a guy say, "I have to cum," you're probably not too thrilled. You must be thinking something like, "Ah dammit ya fuckin bum" or "It's about fuckin time" or "Man I was so close to acting like I was so close." I'm sure there are some amazing people out there who have great sex all the time, but you're not in the majority. In fact stop talking to me in general because I can sense the giddyness behind your sex-getting voice. Shut the fuck up you happy asshole.

But here's where "I have to cum" gets ambiguous. For example, sometimes a guy says it but he doesn't let it fly for another 2-3 minutes; sometimes the guy knows it's coming and he turns on the juice and does it proper; and just happens.

It sucks.

I mean it doesn't, but you know what I mean. It literally comes out of nowhere. I'm not talking about eager beavers either...I'm talking about once you settle in. Big difference. As insanely disappointing as it is to be a 'premacumma,' it's almost worse once you've taken a few laps around the course.

Here's a scenario for you: Let's say you're boning for 10 minutes. You're in a position that you're happy with. What do you want to go with right now...missionary? Really? Oh you're stoned...okay I understand. So you're in a groove and the chick is loving it. She's loving your boring ass absent-mindedly humping her in an inconsistent rhythm because you're too tired to keep your arms propped up and stable long enough. Can you give me another position please? I can't use this one.

Fine, doggystyle. I know that's what you all wanted anyway. I think sex and doggystyle go together like hungry babies and breastfeeding. But anyway, let's say you startedmissionary, then you worked your way to the side for a minute, and over we go: Now it's bone time. You got a stiffy that can clog a toilet and she's moaning like a porn star getting paid top dollar. She's sweating, you're sweating...she starts to get comfortable. She starts to think that she could actually orgasm.

Then you cum. It's over. No's over. Exit's on the left.

You know I fucking swear man: Making a chick orgasm is like building a card tower. With my dick.

-Danaconda, From the Head of the Danaconda


CkretsGalore said...

Oh shit, I so needed that this afternoon.
Natalie makes me feel normal and not so alone in the world ( I wasn't fat per say but damn chubby and fucking awkward).

Danaconda - That last analogy is just beautiful. Makes me feel all verklempt.

PS. My Word Verification is: "Macked." yea yea bitches.

Sara said...

The fat girl thing is SO FREAKING TRUE.

Except for me, it was more about learning to be funny since I wasn't pretty or skinny in middle school. Totes worked in my favor considering now I'm hilarious AND sexay, right?

MrsCaptKerk said...

I have to agree with Natalie about the fat girls. In fact, I have had someone say to me after finding out I was the fat girl "You gave good head." I sort of sat there like a deer in headlights because I'm the world's biggest prude and the fact someone said that to me was frightening (oh god! i'm a closet slut! ohgodohgodohgod!)

Anyway, this post was hilarious...and I feel slightly dirty now, I must shower.

Paige said...

muahaha im so glad im not the only fat not fat girl anymore!! also i gave you a shout out on my blog, blog bestie.

Traveler@large said...

Am I really just so lucky to cum all the time? Or is the female orgasm being misrepresented. I don't mean by you, yer doing a fuckin hill-air job, I just mean in general..

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Awesome - thanks for a bunch of laughs after what is already a super crappy start to Monday.

This was supposed to be funny, right? Otherwise I am sad....

That Ain't Kosher said...

I feel like I should thank all of you although technically you're not complimenting me. So, um... thanks?

Alpha Za said...

haha, this a great post, and oddly enough so true.

sucks for girls that it's so easy for a guy to get his, and leave her...unrequited.