POWER PLAY

Every year, right before the baseball season begins, my family and I email each other predictions about which team is going to place first in every division, take home the pennant, and win the World Series. At first it was just my dad and I, and I kicked his ass every year. Honestly, I was embarrassed for him. Then last year my brother joined in and destroyed everyone. What an asshole.

This year’s season starts a week from today, so I decided to post my forecast for all of you guys to either argue with or totally ignore because you don’t give a shit about sports.

To make this more interesting, I commissioned my friend Johnny Sacks, the creator and evil genius behind Living With Balls, to send me his predictions and get a competition going on. When my family and I do this, we play for dignity, pride and bragging rights; however, Sacks came up with the idea to administer a points system so somebody comes out looking like an actual loser.

Here’s how it works:

1 point for each division/wild card winner
1 point for each Rookie of the Year
1 point for each most/least improved
2 points for each League Division series
3 points for each League Championship series
5 points for the World Series winner


We also came up with a humiliating compensation prize for whoever doesn’t win (NOT ME): Sacks is a huge Yankees fan, and I go hard for the Mets. That’s why whoever eats shit with this has to put the winner’s favorite team on the side of their blog for a month in a prominent display of asswipe.

Here are both of our posts. I didn't even look at his before I typed this in order to keep a level playing field, and now that I've seen them, mine are clearly not more informed, better thought-out, and all-around smarter.

2011 PREDICTIONS: THE THAT AIN'T KOSHER/LIVING WITH BALLS EDITION


AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST


JOHNNY SACKS: Boston Red Sox




I hate to admit this as a Yankees fan, but the Red Sox are STACKED.  They added Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez to an already potent line-up and their pitching staff is one of the best in baseball.  Jon Lester and Clay Bucholz are entering the prime of their careers and should get even better. Meanwhile, the Yankees, who are usually very busy during the off-season, did nothing but sign fat pitchers past their prime.

NUGS: Boston Red Sox
The Sox were my World Series pick for last year, but due to a slew of injuries and a slumping Josh Beckett, they wound up with a disappointing finish while the Yankees came out on top (again). Now, with the off-season acquisitions of former Ray Carl Crawford and Padres powerhouse Adrian Gonzalez, as well as a full, healthy line-up and a seriously nasty rotation, the Sox are taking their team all the way to the finish.

AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL




JOHNNY SACKS: Minnesota Twins




The Twins have been well-operated and well-managed for decades now and they’ve managed to be successful despite a small payroll.  But now, with a new stadium, the money is rolling in and the Twins have money to spend. They are now loaded with talent and are well-managed.  This is always a good combination. Justin Morneau and Joe Nathan should be back at 100 percent following season-ending injuries last season. They managed to do well without those guys last season, so their return will only make them better.


NUGS: Detroit Tigers



Every year I go with the White Sox and they totally fuck me over. This division is usually a pretty close race for the top three with Detroit, Minnesota and Chicago, but I had to pick the Tigers this year because of the key moves they made during the off-season.

Detroit finished with a 500 record last year, both winning and losing 81 games. However, with Jim Leyland entering into the final year of his contract, he’s pulled in some stellar new signings with Joaquin Benoit and Victor Martinez, and held onto Jhonny Peralta, Magglio Ordonez and Brandon Inge. Leyland has consistently performed as one of the best managers in the MLB, and the Tigers are insane if they don’t extend his contract.


AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST


JOHNNY SACKS: Texas Rangers




Even though the Rangers lost out on the Cliff Lee bidding war, I still think they will be the best team in the West.  None of the other teams in the division did anything significant to make me believe they will outplay Texas. The Rangers' offense should be very potent once again and their staff, led by C.J. Wilson, should be good enough for them to win their second straight AL West Crown.


NUGS: Texas Rangers
I’m predicting great things for Texas. Coming directly off of last year’s World Series, the Rangers still have the best starting lineup in the AL West, and their pitching is still a force, even without Cliff Lee, who went to Philly (ugh- more on those douchebags later). None of the teams in their division made any significant changes to their staff, and the fight that the Rangers put up for Lee, even though they eventually lost, shows that they’re willing to go the distance to take home the AL Pennant for the second straight year.


WILD CARD


JOHNNY SACKS: New York Yankees

Though the Yankees didn’t do much in the off-season, they are still have a ton of weapons.  There are a lot of question marks with their pitching staff—most notably A.J. Burnett—but their powerful offense and the left arm of C.C. Sabathia should be enough to get them to 90 wins. Look for prospects Ivan Nova and Jesus Montero to step up for the Yanks as well.


NUGS: New York Yankees
Come on. They’re the Yankees. As much as I hate them, (and I really, really do) don’t let the fact that they pretty much sat on their ass during the off-season fool you.  Their pitching is shaky, but they still have Mariano Rivera, whose skills as a closer can’t even compare to anyone that ever stepped onto the mound. 2010 was the worst year of shortstop Derek Jeter’s career, but a bad year for Jeter is still a decent year for 90% of ball players. Apparently a lot’s been done into reshaping A.J. Burnett, who last year left a ton of Yankees fans (namely my brother) practically suicidal.

Besides, they’re the Yankees. If they don’t make the playoffs, they’ll just pay someone to slip them in there.


NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST


JOHNNY SACKS: Philadelphia Phillies

The Phillies probably have the best starting rotation since the Atlanta Braves turned out Greg Maddux, John Smoltz, Tom Glavine and Steve Avery in the early 90s. Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee should dominate as usual and Cole Hamels and Roy Oswalt aren’t exactly slouches either. The Phillies have lost a lot on offense with Jayson Werth leaving for Washington and Chase Utley likely missing the beginning of the season but it shouldn’t matter.  The Phillies pitching will lead them to 100 wins.


NUGS: Stupid Phillies

Words cannot express the depths of my loathing for the Phillies, now made even stronger thanks to the addition of SP Cliff Lee.  Seriously, is their rotation even legal? With a pitching staff that includes Lee, Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt, Cole Hamels and Joe Blanton, at one point the first four guys on the mound shared a collective ERA of 2.8.

My only comfort is that their lineup is good on paper; however their top players are not only aging, but battling injuries from last season. 2B Chase Utley is still nursing his bad hip; not to mention he’s 32 years old. I hope he gets a fastball to the head.

Whatever. Their offense doesn’t matter. Their pitching will dominate and lead them to the World Series, and I will be a total bitch during the entire month of October.


NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL


JOHNNY SACKS: Milwaukee Brewers

The Brewers have shown potential the past few seasons but have been unable to make a deep playoff run.  This could be the year that changes.  The addition of Zack Greinke should make a rotation that already has Yovani Gallardo very formidable.  Meanwhile, their lineup is dangerous with Prince Fielder, Ryan Braun and Casey McGehee likely doing lots of damage once again. The Cardinals lost their ace pitcher and should drop in the standings this season—and though I love the Reds’ offense I don’t like their pitching staff.  The drop-off by those two teams should allow for the Brewers to take the division crown.


NUGS: Cincinnati Reds

The Reds have a good, young team whose potential will only continue to grow. They have a sick offense and one of the best third basemen in baseball with Scott Rolen, an eight-time Gold Glove winner who would have been my pick for MVP last year had he had not suffered a back injury in the second half of the season. With the Cardinals no longer the threat they used to be, the Reds can look to contend for a while.


NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST


JOHNNY SACKS: San Francisco Giants

The defending champs should once again take the NL West title.  The young rotation, highlighted by Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain, Jonathan Sanchez and Madison Bumgarner is one of the best in baseball and, as you saw last season, their offense is just good enough to get by.


WEST:  San Francisco Giants
The defending World Series champs can look to take the NL West title for the second year in a row. Their rotation is almost as formidable as the Phillies’, with Tim Lincecum and Madison Bumgarner’s ridiculous ERA’s. San Fran’s rotation also has youth on their side- only Barry Zito is in his thirties.

Their lineup is also pretty decent- they can boast catcher Buster Posey, SS Miguel Tejada and OF Pat Burrell. Combined with the Giants’ pitching staff, this formula is more than enough for a solid 90 wins.


WILD CARD


JOHNNY SACKS: Colorado Rockies

The Rockies locked up sluggers Troy Tulowitzki and Carlos Gonzalez in the off-season and that should go a long way in helping them make a playoff run.  These two guys are scary good and should have monster seasons once again. Ubaldo Jimenez will lead the Rockies staff once again and should be a Cy Young candidate.


WILD CARD: Milwaukee Brewers

My dad likes the Brewers every year, and this time I agree with him. Much like the Reds, Milwaukee has a solid young team that will continue to impress and expand. With the acquisition of Zack Greinke as their ace, their pitching staff should finally get Milwaukee that playoff spot they deserve.

This is one instance where hitting trumps pitching- their offense is one of the monsters of the Major League. With a lineup that includes Prince Fielder, Ryan Braun and Corey Hart, the Brewers have made sure that the race for the NL Central will be close for a long time.

BTW, does anyone else wonder if Corey Hart wears his sunglasses at night?



AL DIVISION SERIES



JOHNNY SACKS:


YANKEES over TWINS 3-2
The Yankees will once again get the best of the Twins in the Division series.  Sabathia wins game 1 and 5 to send them back to the ALCS.


RED SOX over RANGERS 3-0
The Sox will steamroll the Rangers and meet up with their hated rivals in the ALCS.


NUGS:


YANKEES over TIGERS 4-1
Unfortunately, the Tigers will be no match for the Yankees. The Tigers may get in one win, but the Yanks will take it back and advance.


RED SOX over RANGERS 3-0
I gotta go with Sacks on this one- the Sox will destroy the Rangers and go head-to-head with the Yankees in another epic rivalry.


AL CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES



JONNY SACKS: RED SOX over YANKEES 4-2
This will be an exciting series, but in the end, the Red Sox are just a little bit better.


NUGS: RED SOX over YANKEES 4-2
Again, I have to agree. And I will root deliciously for the Sox. Not because I’m SUCH a fan, but because any team that wants the Yankees to lose that badly is OK by me.


NL DIVISION SERIES



JOHNNY SACKS:


PHILLIES over ROCKIES 4-1
The Phillies Staff will shut down the Rockies offense.


BREWERS over GIANTS 3-2
The Brewers will upset the defending champs in five games.


NUGS:


STUPID PHILLIES over BREWERS 4-1
Unfortunately for the Brewers, they’ll keep coming THISCLOSE but they still just won’t quite make it. Relax, though, Milwaukee- I have a feeling they’re only a couple of seasons away.


GIANTS over REDS 4-1
The Reds won't even come close.

NL CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES



JOHHNY SACKS: PHILLIES over BREWERS 4-1
The Brewers will run out of steam in the NLCS and the Phillies will beat them rather easily.



NUGS: STUPID PHILLIES over GIANTS 3-2
The Stupid Phillies will once again meet up with the Giants in a pitching rivalry that resembles a series I could have posted on What If Sports. Unfortunately, the Stupid Phillies are out for blood, and they’ll best San Fran, 3 wins to 2.


WORLD SERIES



JOHNNY SACKS: RED SOX over PHILLIES 4-3
Ugh…I can’t believe I just wrote that the Red Sox are going to win the World Series. Hopefully I’m dead wrong. The Phillies staff will meet its match when it goes up against Boston. Lester, Bucholz and Lackey should match the Phillies playoff rotation. Meanwhile, the Sox offense and bullpen is superior to Philly’s, which should give them the edge in the series.

NUGS: STUPID PHILLIES over RED SOX 4-3

Much like Sacks, it’s time for me to admit that the sports team I loathe the most is more than likely going to take the most coveted spot. I detest the Stupid Phillies so much that I pray nightly for them all to be locked in a burning cave filled with lava and three-headed angry gorillas that will only play Rebecca Black videos.



Basically, what this year’s Series comes down to is Starting Rotation vs. Bullpen, and unfortunately, Boston’s Jonathan Papelbon is no match for the Stupid Phillies’ nausea-inducing one through four.

AL MVP


JOHNNY SACKS: Robinson Cano,  2B New York Yankees

Cano had the best season of his career last season and I think he’ll be even better this year.  A five-tool player, Cano will hit .320 this season with 30+ homers and 100+ RBI’s, while also playing a stellar second base.

NUGS: Dustin Pedroia, 2B Boston Red Sox

This one was tough. It will definitely be someone from the Red Sox, an organization that will turn themselves around and make it to the World Series. If I absolutely had to narrow it down to one, my pick would be 2B Dustin Pedroia, who ended 2010 with an injury and is expected to not only bounce back this year, but return to form and  help lead the team to the AL Championship.

AL ROOKIE OF THE YEAR


JOHNNY SACKS: Jesus Montero: C New York Yankees

The Yankees prized prospect is expected to start the season as the back-up catcher in 2011.  When Russell Martin is inevitably is hitting .230 with two HR’s in June, Montero will take over the starting job. Montero will come in and help the Yankees make a playoff run just like another catching prospect, Buster Posey, did for the Giants last season.

NUGS: Jesus Montero, C New York Yankees
I can’t believe I’m giving another award to the Yankees, but this guy is only 21 and has all the calibers to be a stellar investment. Considering the Yankees didn’t do jack shit during the off-season, the fact that they went out and spent money on Montero probably means something.

NL MVP


JOHNNY SACKS: Troy Tulowitzki, SS Colorado Rockies

Tulowitzki had a ridiculous season a year ago, despite missing more than a month with a broken wrist.  The guy missed 40 games last season and still nearly hit 30 homers and drove in 100 runs.  Considering he plays a premium position, if he puts up numbers like that over the course of a full season then he’ll be a shoo-in for MVP.

NUGS: Prince Fielder, 1B Milwaukee Brewers

When the Brewers get to the NL Division Series, it will be largely in part to Fielder. As long as he can keep his attitude in check, he should be a lock for NL MVP.

NL ROOKIE OF THE YEAR


JOHNNY SACKS: Aroldis Chapman, RP Cincinnati Reds

The fire-baller from Cuba joined the Reds major league roster late in the season and did not disappoint.  His fastball reached 100 mph regularly and at times he looked dominant. Whether he starts or relieves in 2011 he should show be tough to hit.

NUGS: Aroldis Chapman, RP Cincinnati Reds
I wish I could be different and go with somebody else, but this kid is already being referred to as the “Cuban Missile.” He’s 22 and is already arguably the hardest-throwing pitcher in the history of Major League Baseball, and he’s been drafted by a team that is expected to get to the NL Championship Series. He’s what Charlie Sheen calls winning.

MOST IMPROVED


JOHNNY SACKS: Milwaukee Brewers

The Brewers went 77-85 a season ago.  I see them adding anywhere from 10-15 wins to that mark this season.   Prince Fielder is playing for a new contract and Zack Greinke should help their pitching staff.


NUGS: Milwaukee Brewers
The Brewers are definitely going to be baseball’s most improved house. Not only will they make the playoffs, but they’ll continue to rise and will dominate enough to possibly get to the 2012 World Series.


LEAST IMPROVED


JOHNNY SACKS: St. Louis Cardinals

The loss of Adam Wainwright is a killer for the Cardinals.  They won 86 games a year ago and without Wainwright, there is no way they crack the .500 mark.  I say 78 wins at the most for St. Louis.


NUGS: San Diego Padres

There is no way in Hell the Padres are going to win 90 games this season, especially not when they share a division with the Giants.


NUGS' SPECIAL CRYSTAL BALL FOR THE METS:
Not only will they continue to suck and make me cry, but the entire team will be fired and replaced by puppies and kitties in uniform. When that fails, a baby will be named as their ace, and I will be put in the outfield as well as a bunch of seventh graders. With that genius move, we will finally win more than 11 games and I will be named as manager, general manager and owner.

The winner will be announced a couple of days after the World Series, when I've had time to tally the points and collect my shame up off the floor perform my victory dance. I hope Sacks likes orange.

2 GIRLS, 1 CAM: NUGS' 100th POST

So it's come to this: post number 100.

Honestly, I never thought I would make it this far. When I started That Ain't Kosher, I figured maybe four people would be interested in what I had to say and I would give up after a few weeks and go back to watching old episodes of Stargate all day.

Well, too bad for you, because I'm a persistent little asshole. A few months ago a bunch of you voted that I should do a vlog, so I decided to celebrate my hundredth by gracing your screens with my drunken redeye majestic visage. It just so happened that this milestone fell during the weekend of Mandy Moore's epic birthday ridiculousness, so I got her wasted and tricked her into making a guest appearance. I know all of you are quivering with longing, so I'll shut up and get right to it.

So here goes my anonymity, shot to shit. Enjoy. Thanks to Mandy for relinquishing her dignity.

OF LOVE AND LOSS

This post comes to you from Amishtown, PA. For those of you that don't know Mandy Moore or the shitstorm that's taking place in her life right now, I'll keep this brief by saying that she needed me this weekend, so I'm here.

My first few weeks back East have not gone exactly the way I expected them to. The day I arrived in New York, my mom sat me down and let me know that my grandmother would be taken off life support the next morning.

I don't have the kind of extended family that relishes in each others' company- Grandma was the peacekeeper, and I knew that after the service, there were some (a lot) of people that I would likely never see again. Luckily, my mother and my brothers made the situation a little smoother- we were all trying to be strong for each other, especially my mom, who had to host the funeral at the same place her father was buried. To make things more difficult for her, her cat was put to sleep just a few days later. I assisted in most of the arrangements, although my aunt later remarked that I was falling apart more than anyone else.

I was definitely not prepared for this, and what frightened me the most was that I had no idea how to deal. I've been fortunate enough to live this long without having to cope with tragedy or loss. I never knew my mother's father, and my grandfather on my dad's side had died almost fifteen years ago. I'd buried a few pets in my lifetime, but that didn't compare to this. My grandmother had been a very special part of my life- we were extremely close, and I considered her a friend. I took the news as well as one might expect- I sat in shock for a few minutes and then spent the next week acting like a complete asshole.

What hit me the hardest was when I went to the funeral home to schedule everything and make arrangements. The director asked my mother and my aunt who should be put down as the "Next of Kin," and I realized that someday, my brothers and I would go through this process ourselves. My mom grabbed my hand, and I was unable to squeeze back.

To make the situation worse, my friends back East are- how can I put this?- unresponsive. It took them all a few days to get back to me, and I haven't heard from them again after that. I understand that everyone has their own lives, and I respect that. However, if someone you care about loses a piece of themselves, would it take that much out of you to send a text every couple of days? Especially if you have the time to post pictures of your club-hopping on Facebook (I wasn't invited, BTW)? These are people I've known for years, and I am so disappointed in their reactions.

In order to cope with my swirling emotions, I posted a thread on 20sb. This isn't like me- I'm not one to whore out my sympathy on the Internet. I didn't post my grandmother's passing on Facebook, or Twitter, or send out a mass email, or ask any of my friends to attend the service. I did call Bad Monkey, my best friend in LA, who's been corresponding with me steadily, sent my family a card and is even coming to visit me next week. She was upset that she couldn't afford to fly out sooner, but just hearing her voice has been enough for me.

My 20sb posting wasn't to garner empathy for myself or to let people know what was going on. I just had never had to deal with a sadness this heavy and I was frightened and confused by its effect. This wasn't like sadness- that I knew how to cope with. I'm sad every time the Jets lose the AFC Championship, or when my brother eats the last spoonful of mashed potatoes. Grief is a mixture of depression, nausea and fear, and it was alien to me.

I didn't want to burden my mom, who was coping with her own feelings, and my friends who lived closest to me were of no help, so I turned to the next logical candidates.

The reaction I received was overwhelming. I knew that my blogoverse friends (I'm not going to distinguish you guys from "IRL" because, and let's be honest here, most of you have already crossed that line) would offer consolation, but I had no idea that your responses would leave this much of an impact. I was offered pages of advice on how to handle my dejection and mental anguish. People I'd never even spoken to or seen before posted their condolences. Coyote Tits started a "Worship Wednesday" thread where my friends wrote hilarious epic poems on my behalf (seriously, check this shit out. It is ridiculous). Shelly took over the posting of the Movie Review Blogring for the month because I didn't want to leave my family alone to find an Internet connection. Mandy offered to come to the funeral, and Sara Nips mailed me a bouquet of lilies and a card. When I called and left her a pussy, sobbing voice mail about what an amazing person she was, Nips told me later that my phone call made her cry. Are you serious, Nips? This is why everyone loves you. If I were any more butch (and weren't into penis), I would totally force Andy into a leprechaun narwhal fight. Winner take all- I'm chivalrous, yo.

The most valuable piece of advice that I've gotten from all of this came from a bunch of my friends on 20sb, and they all told me the the same thing. I was warned that grief is a real bitch. It's going to surface when I least expect it, and it might take weeks, months, or I don't even want to think about how long. This is really fucking with my head because I have yet to experience a complete mental breakdown. I haven't cried yet, at least not fully, and I can't figure out why. I hate that I have no idea when this is going to strike, or what the trigger is going to be. Vulnerability has never been an option for me, and this is not a change I'm willing to adapt to.

I guess in order to prepare for all of this I'll have to realize that I can't prepare. I've finally decided to stop trying to "be strong" for everybody else and let myself go through the mourning process. I've spent a lot of time with my mom, looking through pictures and letting her tell stories. I spent a few nights at my brothers' house. I've been bequeathed with my grandmother's Chai, which I now wear as a charm around my neck.

I'm cognizant of the fact that grief will sneak up on me and slam my back against a wall, and when it happens, I won't argue. I'll see it as another connection to somebody everybody loved- even the maintenance men in her building, her pharmacist and her hairdresser wanted to be guests at the funeral.

I wrote this post not only as a form of therapy, but to express my gratitude to everybody who's helped me get through this past month. Thank you to those who I didn't mention by name, who took the time to leave me Facebook and Twitter messages, texts, emails, and however else you chose to convey your compassion (especially those of you who kept checking up on me for weeks after the fact). There were far too many of you to single out, and I feel terrible that I couldn't get to you all. But just know that whoever says that 20sb is not a community and that we all don't genuinely have each other's backs is getting a throat punch from me.

Thank you to those who still follow me, even though this blog fell by the wayside while I had the shit kicked out of me emotionally.

Thank you to my family, for obvious reasons. I'm a lot more solid because of your support.

And most importantly, thank you to my grandmother. She's the reason for this entire post, and she's also partly responsible for the entire foundation of my personality (Brooklynese, FTW!). Thanks Grandma, for everything I know about life, love, and most significantly, loss.

L'chaim.

AURAL SEX: MARCH 2011 EDITION

Good afternoon, my little Paperback Writers.

Well, it's morning for me. I like my sleepytime. But anyway.

I realized the other day that I'm always ranting about shitty movies and and celebrities that I'd like to pound with a tire iron, and I would just like to point out that I am in fact, rather well-read and actually did go to 
parties class. This is coupled with the fact that Justin Bieber was permitted to write his memoirs last month and it's now on the New York Times Bestseller List. I hate you, America.


Anyway, I actually do read sometimes, because looking at pictures is making my speaking English real good. So for this month's Aural Sex, I've given you guys a list of my favorite books that you can find in the music section at Barnes N' Noble. Or on the Kindle, because no one besides me seems to actually get a sexual high from the smell of the paper page anymore.

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE MUSIC BUSINESS 
DONALD S. PASSMAN

This is the first piece of literature I purchased when I decided that I wanted a career in the music business. As it turned out, I made the right choice- a few of my old bosses, coworkers and most of my friends all own it as well. This is practically a textbook for anyone who wants to get started in music management, marketing, promotion or jump-starting their band on the live performance circuit. I don't know this guy personally but he is a fucking genius.


My original copy had dog-eared pages, notes in the margins and sections highlighted in color code (I'm really anal). Sadly, I lost that one when I switched coasts, but I recently bought it again- in hard-cover, yo. I'm bad-ass.

PLEASE KILL ME: THE UNCENSORED ORAL HISTORY OF PUNK 
LEGS MCNEIL and GILLIAN MCCAIN

I own this in paperback, so I’m amazed that my copy is still intact. I’ve probably read it a good twenty times, and the spine is barely keeping it together.

Please Kill Me is a collection of interviews of almost everybody who was around during the New York City punk and New Wave scene that took place during the late 60’s, 70’s and 80’s. Collected by the founder of Punk (the original ‘zine) and a promoter of downtown poetry readings, the oral observations are pretty much what fans of the genre might expect- everyone was fucking everyone and consuming whatever illegal (and legal) substance just happened to be lying around. It’s a miracle that the book itself is more than three paragraphs long and that anyone remembers anything that took place at all.

The voices of Please Kill Me do for the punk movement what the Jews do for Moses. Everybody makes an appearance and tells their own story- musical legacies such as The Ramones, The Clash, The Sex Pistols and The Stooges to lesser-known acts like Television, Richard Hell and Johnny Thunders. You hear from famous “groupies,” wives and girlfriends, and even behind-the-scenes legends like Malcolm McLaren (one of my personal idols).

I could not put this down. Even if you don’t listen to punk rock, or weren’t alive during that era, you’ll be sucked into the candid debauchery and the shamelessness with which it all comes to life. My world is incredibly disappointing in comparison.

I never got the clap, though. So, yay.

CLAPTON: THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY 
ERIC CLAPTON

I’m not usually into biographies, but Clapton is a legend and he’s also one of my dad’s idols, so when he told me to check this out I had no winning argument. I was able to finish the entire book on the plane going from California to New York, so it’s an easy read for those of you with the attention span of a Jewish girl in a room full of shiny things. (OOH! A nickel!)

Clapton himself was pretty fucked up- you have to wonder how this dude is still around. Everything is covered in his bio- his early days in England, his friendship with George Harrison, the epic Derek and the Dominoes album, the death of his son and a shit-ton more stuff I’m leaving out because I really want you guys to read this.

PS- after you plow through Clapton, pick up Wonderful Tonight, written by Pattie Boyd about her relationships with both Clapton and Harrison.

HIGH FIDELITY 
NICK HORNBY

The only work of fiction to make this list, High Fidelity explores a record store owner’s life, loves and pop culture abhorrances through his obsession with depressing bands. While I am loathe to promote the writing of anyone that would publicly speak out against Radiohead, the main character is basically me with a penis so I had to put this on here.

The film adaptation, starring John Cusack, and its companion soundtrack are like music nerd porn. This is one of my most worshipped books, movies and compilations, and I recommend that you check out all three.

MASHED UP: MUSIC, TECHNOLOGY, AND THE RISE OF CONFIGURABLE CULTURE 
ARAM SINNREICH

Anyone that's interested in intellectual property, sampling, remixing and copyrighting needs to read this. The DJ culture is becoming more prevalent, and this book explores the business and legality behind it. One of the reviews on Amazon.com even recommends it as a textbook for music majors. While I find mash-ups annoying (especially if they include Journey, who should never be tampered with), they are a growing phenomenon, and this is definitely worth picking up.

LIFE 
KEITH RICHARDS

How the fuck is this guy still alive? I’m only a third of the way through Life, but holy crap. Is Keith Richards even human? Seriously, read this. You will not believe this shit. It is ridiculous.

GRUNGE IS DEAD: THE ORAL HISTORY OF SEATTLE ROCK MUSIC 
GREG PRATO

The grunge genre is largely considered the music of my generation. It really started to come up when I was in junior high, and most of my friends have at least one story about a band from this era that deeply impacted their lives.

This follows a similar format as Please Kill Me- it begins in the 1960's and spans all the way through the 90's. It features encounters with grunge icons such as Nirvana, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains as well as criminally underdiscovered acts such as Melvins and Screaming Trees. The most poignant interview is with Layne Staley's mother, years after her son's drug addiction and subsequent overdose. I still mourn the loss of Alice In Chains and have an entire playlist devoted to them, so this really resonated with me. (Note: supplying us with a different lead singer does not a new Alice In Chains make. Layne Staley is irreplaceable. Period.)

This is the Bible for anyone in my age group who grew up with grunge and has a copy of Nirvana's Nevermind. So, basically, anyone in my age group. I am so, so happy that we're the generation of Pearl Jam's Ten and not, like, Hilary Duff.

WOODSTOCK: THREE DAYS THAT ROCKED THE WORLD 
MIKE EVANS and PAUL KINGSBURY

I’m so pissed at my parents for not even knowing each other in the 60’s and therefore not giving birth to me like, 25 years earlier than they did. But then I’d be old and stuff, so no. Woodstock would most likely have been the greatest experience of my life and all I have now is my DVD player and fucking Disney Channel radio (this is an actual station; I heard it once).

TDTRTW includes a forward by Martin Scorsese and glossy photos of the bands, the fans and the booze that cemented Woodstock as an iconic pop culture celebration and always makes me wistful for a time that I will never get to be a part of unless I perfect my design for the Flux Capacitor.

CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP: A HISTORY OF THE HIP-HOP GENERATION 
JEFF CHANG

I don't like hip-hop. I'll go as far as to say that I think most of it blows. However, as a music maven and pop culture buff I can't argue the impact that hip-hop has had on my generation. Not to mention "Sabotage" belongs in some kind of museum for being awesome- probably the same one I'll be in when I'm deified later.



Can't Stop Won't Stop studies the influence of not only the musical movement, but of graffiti art, race riots, b-boys and street parties. With an introduction by DJ Kool Herc, Chang identifies hip-hop as groundbreaking American culture, not just the stupid crap it is now with made-up shit about clubs and vodka or whatever.

And hey, the American Book Award that's splashed across its cover probably means something pretty important, right?

SEX, DRUGS AND COCOA PUFFS: A LOW CULTURE MANIFESTO 
CHUCK KLOSTERMAN

Technically, this isn’t really about music. However, Klosterman is hilarious and a hipster God, and there are some really funny musical references in Cocoa Puffs. At one point some dumbasses compare their relationship to Sid and Nancy. Idiots. I hope it ends the same way, too.

Be warned- a lot of these books have big words in them, so while they definitely come with my stamp, they might make you feel all smart and stuff. If you do wind up trying out any of these, please give me your opinions. I'm anxious to know what you think.

By the way, I'm trying something different for next month's Aural Sex. I'm interested in what you guys are listening to, since you're always leaving comments up in here. So for April, I need ten of you to contribute your three favorite bands, and ten more of you to let me know your most anticipated album of the summer. Submissions can be sent by email to thataintkosher83@gmail.com by April 1st.

Oh shit, I forgot about the movies! If you want to be part of next month's Horrible Movie Review Blogring, send me an email for that, too. I need those by the 20th. I have no idea what the theme is yet, so if you think of one, I can pay you in cheese.

BLOGRING: TRAINWRECK MOVIE MASSACRE

It's that time of the month again (I wonder how many of us started our posts off that way. Gross.)- Horrible Movie Reviews! I still can't come up with a title for the 'ring, so I'm going to keep experimenting with different ones until I get enough positive feedback to pick a permanent. This one came from Tsa, who I forced to join in this month. Diplomacy FTW!

This time around I get to participate in the sexiest blog sandwich ever. Not only was I lucky enough to post for Risha (rhymes with Dish...ah!), but I get the honor of hosting Shelly. I swear to God I don't rig these things.

Anyway, the Shellator is totally adorable, even when reviewing shitty sports movies. I swear she's a secret dominatrix. It's always the quiet ones.

I love you, Shelly. I raise my nipple tassels in your honor.

And now, I give you the best and most accurate portrayal of Air Bud ever.  Take it, Shells. Take it hard.

Hi everyone! My name is Shelly and I'm frolicking over from Shelly Talks Too Much.  Please be sure to go over to my site and read about Ginny's movie.  She's pretty awesome, and I'm super excited she's gracing her presence on my blog.

When my dear Nuggette told me that we were doing sports movies, one movie came to mind.  I had to review it, I had to watch it...right...that...MOMENT! Some of you may have watched this movie when you were younger or maybe you've seen one of the many spinoffs of this movie.  I am talking about the movie Air Bud.

I was little, but I was sure it would be perfect.  And I knew it was about basketball.  There's one problem.  It wasn't terrible.  It was adorable.  Who doesn't love dogs who play basketball?  Really, now!  Okay, maybe it's just me.  I'm probably the only adult (obviously using that term loosely) who enjoyed sitting and watching Air Bud.  I can't help it.  I spend my days thinking about sparkles, Star Wars, kitties and puppies.

Anyway! I'm sorry! Back to Air Bud.  I had a hard time actually following the plot line because I was constantly calling Nick into the room saying "Watch what the dog does! Look at him! Look at him!"  And at the end being like "Awww puppy! Make the right choice! Make the right choice!"

Basically, Buddy the Dog is owned by an evil clown that drinks too much.  The weird thing is, the guy who plays the clown, I totally remember him on Murphy Brown.  So that was a little weird in itself.  The drunk clown is getting ready to ship Buddy off to the pound for being a bad boy when his kennel falls off the truck.  He then meets his best friend, Josh.  A new kid in town who has a dead dad.  His mom has a midlife crisis and they have to start over. Josh joins the basketball team, Buddy runs in on a game, causes a ruckus, and mayhem ensues!  But the crowd loves Buddy!  I mean, who couldn't?!  Look at that precious fuzzy face!  So Buddy becomes the mascot of the team. Dog becomes a local celebrity, kid rides Bud's coatTAIL (get it...because the dog has a tail!) and then drunk clown comes back saying "THAT'S MY DOG! YOU STOLE MY DOG!"  In the end, some guy suggests to let Buddy run to his rightful owner.  Obviously, Buddy chooses the boy, but not before attacking the scary drunk clown.  And suddenly, all is right in the world again!

So, even though I shouldn't recommend the movie...I'm going to.  It's just so gosh darn cute!