A Series of Unfortunate Events

Yesterday at around 3:00pm, there were two explosions in the middle of Boston.

I was in the living room, finishing up some work and answering emails. I had ESPN on in the background, and they had been discussing the impending NFL Draft all day. I was barely paying attention anymore. Suddenly the words "Breaking News" appeared at the bottom of the screen, and the story switched to the Boston Marathon and the two bombs that had gone off.

I'm not sure of the correct words to describe my reaction as I looked up at the TV. I'm not from the city itself, but it's the closest Metro Area to Manhattan, and I've visited multiple times. I went there with my family as a kid, and ever since I met Ginntastic and all her friends, I've made several trips there as a (chronological) adult. I've embarrassed myself at Fenway Park and pronounced all the stops wrong on the T. I've gotten drunk in at least ten different bars and then been molested by Ginny's cat. Boston sports fans are rabid, which is great for me but is also a major fail because they all love the Pats and the Bruins. I have so much respect for Boston, its culture, its people and its history, and yesterday's events hit me hard.

The bombing became ESPN's main story on Monday, probably due to it being sports-related. I remember hearing Ginny talk about this every year- Marathon Monday, a holiday in the Boston area, where everyone basically gets wasted and watches the runners cross the finish line. It's especially fun for her because she works right across the street. As soon as the story splashed across ESPN my first thought was "GINNY." I called her and her phone went to voice mail. Then I sent her a text and when she didn't answer me within five seconds I freaked. Luckily, thirty seconds later, she texted me back to reassure me that she was, in fact, OK, as were the rest of our friends. Ginny was stuck in her office due to closed streets and downed T lines, but she was fine. Maybe this makes me selfish, but that knowledge helped me relax just a little bit. Ginny and the rest of the Nip Clique are such a hugely important part of my life- it's even because of Gin that I started blogging. So you can all blame thank her for that.

Later that night I was on the phone with my brother- ironically, it was also his birthday yesterday- and we were discussing the rash of emotions that we were both experiencing. We were angry, yes, and sad, but my brother brought up an excellent observation: are we still at the point where we as people are shocked when these acts happen? Late night host Craig Ferguson, who usually opens his show with the line "It's a great day for America," chose instead to start the program with this monologue below:


Comedian Patton Oswalt also opted to make a strong statement, posting this on Facebook. Entertainment Weekly... well, they took to Twitter to advertise their new Man of Steel pictures. Not everyone can convey their sympathies in such a moving and poignant manner as one of the top selling magazines in the country.

When 9/11 occurred, I had just started college and my brothers were in high school. My father was in a meeting at the time, and I remember that what was supposed to be a short drive home to his family turned into a 5-hour excursion. Cell phones were down, so we had no idea how to reach him and when or if he was even coming home. My mom came over to sit with us and wait for my dad to walk through the door. I can't recall ever being so elated and relieved to see anybody, before or since.

The 9/ll attacks are the first incident that I really remember affecting myself, my family and my friends the way that they did; being so close in proximity and mentality. I can only imagine what Boston must be going through, especially after the third explosion. They're probably in the mindset that their city is a danger zone, set to go off at any moment.

My brother and I are pretty much in agreement with Craig Ferguson- he is not the only one who is sick of this shit. While a fatality number of three may not seem that high, keep in mind that that number still isn't zero. One of those three was an eight-year-old boy. There were families from Newtown in the VIP section who were no doubt still recovering from their own losses. It disturbs me to think that as a society, we are no longer stunned when these things happen. We know that they're horrible, and we cry, and feel disgusted, and devastated, but we're no longer surprised.

When the shootings in Newtown took place, I was in no shape to provide advice, but I did suggest attempting to go back to normalcy as soon as you were able. Spend time with the people you care about- see a movie, watch TV, work on your blog. I'm also going to say the same for this- do whatever you can to regain some sense of convention. I went for a run this morning, which is a natural occurrence for me in this type of Spring weather. However, it also seemed fitting in light of yesterday's tragedy. The burst of energy mixed with the familiarity of my iPod and the warmth of the sun on my back was just what I needed to lose myself, if only for a couple of hours.

I wish I could say that casualties like this won't ever show themselves again, but I can't, because they will. What I can tell everyone is that it helps to talk about these acts of violence, and to try to understand, and to let out our frustrations. We should also all remember that Boston is one of the most resilient cities in the country- they're not called Massholes for nothing. And have you seen those guys drink?

At any rate, we all need to stay safe and stay strong. Remember that we are better than this, and if all else fails, puppies are still adorable.

Use That Freedom

There are three types of bad movies.

The first type is one you watch to be entertained- you know that it's terrible, but you still expect that it will make you laugh, at the very least unintentionally. There will more than likely be attractive actors, usually in various stages of undress; ridiculous dialogue and a ludicrous plot. This type of film is the cornerstone of SMAC's lineup; what our very foundation is based upon (we will return soon, promise). Recent examples include The Mighty Ducks, ThanksKilling, Ed and any of the SyFy Channel movies (excluding Sharktopus, which is a finely crafted masterpiece and should always be regarded as such).

Highly recommended. Seriously.

The second type is so awful, so horrifically atrocious that you can't even get back the viewing hours that you have just spent. Getting through an entire film in this category makes you want to take up a nasty crack habit just so you have a less embarrassing "feat" to bring up at parties. A telling sign of any movie in this lexicon are the shakes, sweating, becoming pale and contemplating suicide a quarter of the way through. Movies in this genre include From Justin to Kelly, Valentine's Day and at least ninety percent of Nicolas Cage's arsenal.

The third and most hazardous type of bad movie is anything and everything Twilight. 

As hard as I tried, I could not avoid the fact that a new Twilight film opened last weekend. Sadly, I've actually been dragged to two of them in the theater, and collectively, they were the worst four hours of my life. A couple of my friends made me go see Blue Moon or whatever the fuck it was, and I hadn't read the books or seen the first movie, and I fell asleep for twenty minutes, and I was still able to follow the entire "plot" (spoiler: there are dogs or some shit). During one of the scenes the CGI was so bad that I actually started to laugh. The acting was so painful it was like burning. Kind of like that one time in college when- well, never mind.

The next time was entirely my fault. I offered to take one of my girls who was nursing a break-up wound, on one condition: I was allowed three out-loud comments. I purchased our tickets online so as not to draw attention to myself and attempted to find a seat in the jam-packed theater (we were there opening night- sometimes I am such an amazing friend that I'm jealous of myself). I tried to sit next to some pre-teen Twitard until she threw her arm over the seat and glared at me. Yikes. Who was she saving this for, her imaginary boyfriend? At any rate, my friend and I sat down anyway and I reminded her of our pact. I definitely benefitted more from my makeshift MST3K than the audience did; I doubt they appreciated when I referred to the movie as "Twilight: Breaking Hymen." Also I really wanted to incorporate the drinking game that my brother and follow Nip Clique-ers had invented to get me through the evening but I was afraid that I would be dead within ten minutes.

This movie has been out for a week and has already made $362 million internationally. It doesn't matter that all the "films" in this franchise are known to be appallingly awful; apparently, eleven-year-olds (chronologically and otherwise) don't care. Watching the two that I saw was like coating my snatch with honey and then sending a personalized, highlighted E-vite to every bee in North America.

This way to insanity

The only reason that I have actually been anticipating Twilight: Breaking Hymen Part Jesus Fuck How Many of These Are There is that supposedly, this is the last one until everyone involved decides that they want more money. Until I hear otherwise, there are no more Twilights forever. We're free, everybody!

PS- +5 to whoever can name the movie that I shamelessly quoted this post title from.

Dead Space Vol. 2- BOOM! Panties Drop

That noise you heard on Sunday was the splatter of ovaries hitting televisions as they exploded in a sea of "HOLY GOD YES."

This week's The Walking Dead, "Say The Word," picked up right where "Killer Within" left off, with everyone being introduced to Rick (?) and Lori's daughter. Rick was too busy writhing around on the floor trying to win that well-deserved Emmy, so Daryl stepped up and held her and HOLY SHIT KITTENS AND MAGICAL RAINBOWS. Every time he asked the baby if she "liked that, Little Ass-kicker," not a woman on the planet did not respond in the affirmative. The only way the writers could have ensured more Defcon One-r levels of masturbating is if they would have cut to that video of Baby Goose singing the theme song from My Little Pony.



Top that off with Daryl putting flowers on Carol's grave and that's it. I'm done. Your move, other racists.

Apparently getting massively turned on by Daryl cooing to Lori's infant daughter does not make me a sociopath, judging by the Talking Dead that followed "Say The Word" (gotta say, that's a relief). I am, however, a little concerned about the tingly feelings that develop whenever the focus shifts to Batshit Rick (BRick? Let's make this a Thing).

For those of you familiar with the books, you know that Lori's death begins Rick's spiral into becoming completely and totally fucking insane. Also, for those of you familiar with the books, you know exactly who was on the other end of that phone call. I like how they're wasting zero time and not dragging that storyline out (it's AT&T, because Rick was too stupid to switch to Verizon).

Anyway.

I'm a little worried as to what it says about me that the more insane Rick (BRick) gets, the more I'm attracted to him. It can't be just me, right? I mean, his Crazy Face is pretty sexy, even if it's really bloody. Also if you think about it, all of this insane rage porn is to avenge the death of his wife, whether we all hated her or not, so it's kind of devoted and sweet. Kind of. Maybe. Also don't forget- British. He did this once:



I think I'm alone now.

Even The Governor also got in on some cute kid action, until we discovered that his daughter Penny is a zombie that he keeps in a closet, oh haaai.

Again, if you read the comics you knew some of that already, but the show has been deviating, so there's still that element of surprise.

It'll be interesting to see just how important a role Penny plays with all the characters, and just how closely the showrunners follow the books, if you get what I'm saying.

Wait- ew! Not like that. You perverts. She's like seven! I love you all so much.

At any rate, thank you, The Walking Dead, for no longer being a metaphor for my sex life. Between Daryl holding babies and BRick and his one-man zombie destroyer, after next week I'll most likely be pregnant.

Dead Space Vol. 1- All Dawgs Go To Heaven

I usually don't do reviews of things I actually enjoy because then I can't make fun of them. However, this week's episode of The Walking Dead, "Killer Within," was such a major sack-punch (if I had a sack) that I HAVE to discuss it. All my friends are talking about it so I would feel kind of left out if I didn't. So here's a new thing that I'm trying out. If it turns out to be wildly popular, this is Volume 1. If it doesn't, eh, I tried.

If you watch the show and/or are a fan of the books but haven't gotten this far yet, I would recommend that you not read this post, because then you'll know what happened and might think I'm a bitch, even more than you probably already do. If, like me, you witnessed the emotional fallout in real time, then cool. All systems go.

Being on the West Coast, I should really know to avoid Facebook on Sundays and Tuesdays, when my friends will unfailingly post about that night's respective episodes of TWD and/or Sons of Anarchy. I had shut off my laptop but unfortunately was too stupid to remember to turn off my phone, so while I was eating my dinner this alert popped up from Booyabobby:

Our wish finally came true! But damn that was heart breaking.

As an avid reader of the comics, I could only assume that he was referring to the anticipated and celebrated death of Lori Grimes, one of the worst and most reviled characters in the history of network television, although I was surprised that this was the episode that the event took place. Lilly, the character that shoots Lori in the books, hadn't even been introduced on the show, and Lori's baby had yet to be born (Also, fans of the show, is that the worst pregnant stomach ever, or what? What did they put in there, a NERF ball?).

Zombie Baby? Or BOOBIES?!?!?!

Then again, Carol was still around, so that whole Sophia deal was completely out of whack with the timeline as well.

BTW, thanks for forgetting that I'm three hours behind you, Bobby.

I decided to quit with the neurotic, Jew-y psychoanalysis and just watch the damn episode, already. It started out hilariously with Glenn and Maggie being caught boning in the tower and getting "yeah, man" looks from Rick and Daryl. That scene easily goes into my Top 20 Walking Dead moments. Everyone's reactions were totally realistic- Maggie was mortified; Glenn was like, "check me out- I just got laid"; the men were all up in that shit.



That, of course, was short-lived because the generators all started blaring and the walkers began to pour in. The Atlanta Gang immediately commenced with the killing, slicing heads and stabbing all over the place.

Meanwhile, back in Mayberry- sorry, I meant Woodbury- Andrea continued to skank it up and try to get into the pants of both Merle and The Governor. He's who this election really needed, IMO. Imagine how awesome that would be.

This dude for President of Everything.

She and Michonne were, in fact, planning on taking Merle to find Daryl, but because The Governor spoke more than two words to her, Andrea wants to stay now. What the fuck happened to Andrea? She used to be cool, kind of. Then she jumped on Shane's dick and became a sniveling little twelve year old with floopy hands and whiny facial expressions.

I've also been expecting a lot more from Michonne this season. She's one of the most popular characters in the comics, and save for a bad-ass entrance at the end of last season, she hasn't done jack except stroll mopily around the house and tell Andrea why they can't trust people. I guess she did off her zombie pets, and that was kind of cool, but dude, if I had access to a katana blade I would use it to hand things to people. But anyway.

As Andrea attempted to slut it out in Mayberry, the Atlanta Gang was busy taking names in the prison. Fucking Andrew from episode 2 showed up while Rick was busy trying to save his friends. God, Andrew. Good timing. Fortunately Rick didn't have time for any of that shit and killed him.

PS- I found out at Comic-Con that Andrew Lincoln is actually super, super British. As if the weapon carrying and the copious ass-kicking weren't enough, he just got exponentially hotter, oh haaaai.




Wow, I am really fucked up.

Of course, as much I'd been reveling in how great this episode had been so far, I still remembered the spoiler (!!!!!!) Bobby had posted on my Facebook wall earlier and couldn't escape that nagging lump in my throat (that's what she said). TWD did not skimp on the brutal deaths this week. Carol is missing and we're not entirely sure whether she made it out. She never really had a clear purpose but still, that kind of sucks. The first gut-wrencher, however, came in the form of the episode's MVP, T-Dawg, who pushed Carol out of the way when the walkers had them cornered and ran directly into the line of fire, giving Carol a chance to escape or at least get a solid head start. I'd heard that T-Dawg would have a bigger role this season, having more than two lines and maybe even some character development. Guess not. RIP, T-Dawg. From what we could tell from your four syllables, you were pretty awesome.

Here's a clip of IronE Singleton on this week's Talking Dead. You can tell he's just as nice a guy as everyone says and I hope he books a ton more acting gigs after this.



Next up we had what Entertainment Weekly is referring is to as "that scene." Now, I've been on the Whore-y Grimes train ever since I discovered the books in 2010, but DAMN, Walking Dead.

Lori had the distinct attribute of being one of those characters that I absolutely despised up until the very minute that I realized they were a total goner. This is impressive considering that it's only been accomplished by very few others- Jack Shepard, Marissa Cooper, Daffy Duck.



I detested Lori the entire time and I had the same reaction to her passing that I had when Opie got killed off on Sons of Anarchy or when Jin and Sun drowned together on Lost, and those were all beloved television icons that I may never recover from.

While running from the walkers, Lori chose that exact moment to go into labor and ushered Maggie and Carl into the boiler room (finally! Carl "stays in the fucking house!"). Maggie was forced to play midwife until Lori started excessively bleeding, because she would of course probably have a zombie baby. Meanwhile Carl is off to the side like, "oh great, the first vagina I ever see and it's my mom's."

Lori realized that something was up with her kid and told Maggie she would have to cut her open and extract the baby from her stomach, most likely killing her in the process. The world went "YAY!" but then we had to watch her say goodbye to Carl. The scene is below, and it's heartbreaking.



The speech Lori gave to Carl when she told him he would have to take care of everyone, including his father, was handled with grace, sincerity and real emotion. It was one of the most realistic scenes I've watched on television since I can remember, and it was made even more difficult when Carl volunteered to shoot his own mother in the head so she wouldn't turn. Maggie left the room, we heard a gunshot and then Carl emerged, all stoic and Child of the Corn like. He's not an annoying, useless little shit anymore, and I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.

Both Sarah Wayne Callies (who played Lori) and writer Robert Kirkman claim that Lori is dead, gone and off the show completely, but Callies totally lied about her character's fate this season so as not to spoil fans, and we never actually witnessed Carl shooting her in the head, so you never know. I really hope we get to see Zombie Lori. That would be sweet.

Also, now that Lori is gone, we'll probably never find out whose baby it actually is, either, since the comics never tell us. My theories are as follows:

If the baby ever jumps directly into Andrea, it's Shane's. (Chris Hardwick suggested this on an episode of Talking Dead once. I think that was genius.)

If the baby won't stay in the fucking womb, it's Rick's. ("Baby! Stay in the fucking womb." "NO!" "Yup, it's mine.")

I think if you take an informal poll, you'll find that the scene where most people lost it is where Rick sees his daughter (not mentioned in the episode, but if you read the comics, you know) and figures out that his wife is dead. Andrew Lincoln deserves all the fucking awards. Just all of them. Emmy, Golden Globe, American Kennel Club, Award for Obscure Abbreviations, Jamy Toaster, whatever. Hell, just elect him President.



The moment was borderline "what's-in-the-box," but the dude's wife was just killed. Seriously. BTW, this marks a turning point in the books where Rick begins a spiral into becoming a complete fucking mental patient.

There's a reason The Walking Dead  is one of my favorite television shows, and it's episodes like "Killer Within" that I would probably force my friends to watch to prove my point. This show does not fuck around, and although "Killer Within" was a terrible idea when I am PMS'ing and the leftover Halloween candy was not within arms' length, I am so grateful for quality programming and not more crap like Honey Boo Boo.

This Is Incredible

I've spent a lot of the last 29 years of my life waiting. I waited for my boobs to grow (and now I wish I still hadn't crossed that bridge), I waited for college acceptance letters, I waited to turn 21 so I could- well, we all know how this story ends.

Not actual events.

Now that I've reached all the milestones that I can actually pass without wanting to sob profusely into a bottle of Captain, pretty much the only thing I'm anticipating retardedly is the new season of Game of Thrones. Just watching the opening of this show gives me major jazz hands.



For those of you that haven't been introduced to this cultural phenomenon, Game of Thrones has unseated Lost as the greatest television event ever since Darlton copped out with that bullshit ending. For those of you that don't have HBO (which I ordered solely to watch this show), I suggest Netflix or thepiratebay.org no! no! That's illegal and a horrible internet crime. I also recommend reading the books, which the series itself is based on. They're long, but if you have the patience, well worth the time and effort. If you don't like spoilers, though, only read the first two, since Season Three is coming in 2013. Almost a whole year!!! Seriously, HBO? NO.

I thought that my obsession with this show meant a surefire trip to the mental ward, but as it turns out, half of everyone I know is hooked on Game on Thrones, too. My friends and I watch it together on Facebook and both my brothers, who also love it, can discuss it on the phone with me for hours. As soon as I move back to the City (more on that in a future post), I'm anticipating Sunday night HBO viewing parties where I may or may not dress up as that crazy bitch Cersei Lannister, who I admit is a psycho but at least she gets to see Jaime naked OH HAAAAI.

That... is an awful big sword.

The persuasive powers of GoT are so hypnotic that they may have even convinced Coyote Tits, who has finally caved and has promised to check out Season One. I did have to agree, in return, to read the Harry Potter series, but it's a small price to pay to earn more GoT disciples.

Anyway, the guys at Topless Robot, an awesome site that clearly shares in my fanatic nerd-dom, apparently also can't wait for the third season of GoT. I check Topless Robot a few times a week, and when I went there today, this video came up:



There really isn't much else I can say besides this is the most incredible thing on the internet, ever. Words can't even describe how funny this is. It might be better than porn.

If I ever get a cat I'm naming it Tyrion.

Joy To The World!

Only one annual event has been known to bring out festive Christmas caroling even though I'm a Jew; my delighted jazz hands and (some may say) psychotic celebratory squeeing. It sure as Hell isn't my birthday anymore- in case you missed memos 1, B and MYSTICAL DIVING NARWHAL, Christ, I'm old.

No, the magical yearly occurrence that causes my unhinged tendencies to emerge in full force is the Discovery Channel's SHARK WEEK!, which I anticipate every year and become more and more breathlessly eager for, especially during the summer as the first day grows closer. I post about this every time it's on because I am not insane at all, in any way.

2012 is SHARK WEEK!'s 25th anniversary, so they are guaranteeing extra dance-worthy moments. Can you name any other television program that has stayed this consistently awesome for two and a half decades? No. You cannot. Law and Order was on for 20 years before it was canceled, and it was pretty cool, but that even started sucking after a while. To prove that SHARK WEEK! is truly the greatest event in TV history, I have teamed up with Trista from Tristachio to bring you the most excellent video you will ever find on the Internet, even counting porn. Enjoy.



PS- we're definitely thinking of making this Youtube deal a monthly Thing. Kittens BAM-POW'ing to Batman? Penguins waddling to Golden Girls? Let us know what you like- we're taking requests, and we're aware of what we just opened ourselves up to.

Haha. "Opened ourselves up."

This year's host of SHARK WEEK! is Philip DeFranco, who apparently is some dude from YouTube who I've never even heard of. Here's his Wikipedia, and I'm less than overwhelmed (so I guess I'm... whelmed?). Though I did just come across this bit of info, and now I can't wait:

"Philip DeFranco, of 'The Philip DeFranco Show' on Revision3 will host the nightly event, asking people to Tweet their votes using hashtags that will appear on the screen and to vote through a live poll on Facebook. The results will be tabulated and the item garnering the most votes that night will fall victim to the shark's 6" long razor-sharp teeth and crushed to bits for all the country to see."

However, everything else about SHARK WEEK! is super badass, as usual. I'm preparing for this like some women plan for their wedding, and I probably just found another reason why I'm single. I have an enormous shark pillow and an Air Swimmer.

 

Also, although I pleaded with everyone I know to buy me this dress, none of you assholes listened so I guess I'll just have to wait until next year.

Come on! It's a big birthday!

I also bought Shark Bites, like I do every year, only this time, I actually tricked some of my friends into sharing my insanity and they are coming over to enjoy the SHARK WEEK! Drinking Game with me. This Game is a highly celebrated phenomena which includes several steps to getting wasted within ten minutes, including changing the channel when you see those pussy-ass nurse sharks that don't eat people. I often like to add my own varieties such as chugging your drink when you see either a Great White or a Hammerhead, or downing a double shot when a shark attacks an animal or a baby. Bonus if that animal is a seal.

AHAHAHAHAHA YES!!!!!!!

PS- I may or may not have photoshopped a picture of myself, as a shark, with Chompie, the Discovery Channel's SHARK WEEK! mascot.

Guess which one.

Our children would be shark-cellent.

Just in case you guys are thinking of skipping this and watching, I don't know, like CNN or something, I am no longer accepting any of the excuses I got last year, such as:
"I don't have cable."
"I'm getting married that day."
"I'm in the emergency room."
"I'm in prison."
"I'm allergic to fun."

Here are some of the new episodes of SHARK WEEK! that will help you with your decision to call out to work with Ebola:

AIR JAWS APOCALYPSE Sunday, Aug. 12, 9pm
Two idiotic photographers try to get WAY too close to a hulking Great White named Colossus who apparently dominates- and eats- all other sharks in his path. This should be pretty funny.

SHARKZILLA Monday, Aug. 13, 9pm
This would be worth watching if only for the SyFy Channel-ish title alone. This is an entire hour dedicated to the Megalodon, which apparently is the largest shark ever (EVER!). I give it an over-under  of seven minutes until I'm completely shit-faced.
MYTHBUSTERS' JAWSOME SHARK SPECIAL Monday, Aug. 13, 10pm
Mythbusters AND sharks? Two of my favorite things on TV at the same time? Where do I sign?
SHARK FIGHT Wednesday, Aug 15, 9pm
There better be pillows and toenail painting, and not some sentimental crap about survivors or some bullshit.

For a complete schedule of all things sharktastic, go to the Discovery Channels' SHARK WEEK! website:

http://dsc.discovery.com/tv/shark-week/

Old episodes of last year's SHARK WEEK! are going on right now on the Discovery Channel, but I'll forgive the fact that your TV isn't on because maybe you didn't know that. I'll be on my couch, all week, with my sharkalicious snacks and my flying remote control shark, already planning 2013's festivities.

Everything You Know Is Wrong Forever

Today is a tragic day in the history of children everywhere, chronologically and otherwise:

Baby Beluga has died.

For the three of you (or, perhaps, the foreigners) who are not aware of the existence of Baby Beluga, allow me to induct you into the heartwarming world of timeless stories and songs.

I, like many of my friends, was introduced to Baby Beluga by Raffi, the singer-songwriter who touched all our hearts with joy when he sang and strummed his guitar along to "Mr. Sun," "Down By The Bay," "Willoughby Wallaby Woo" and "Bananaphone." I must have made my parents take me to see Raffi in concert at least 37 times. I also used to act out his songs in their bedroom, except when he sang about the Spider on the Floor. That was kind of fucked up, Raffi. I hate spiders.

Anyway, this morning, when I went to Entertainment Weekly's website, I was unsuspectedly greeted by this horrendous shocker, which I immediately posted on Facebook and then forwarded to everyone I knew.

I feel like half of my life has been a lie, and I've been forced to re-evaluate everything I've learned in my formative years. Everyone, and I mean everyone, loved "Wheels on the Bus."



Will I find out tomorrow that that bus got towed? I was also really into "Frere Jacques" even though I had no idea what the fuck I was saying until a few years later when I found out you had to be French to know what the lyrics meant. But since I was like five and didn't know about this whole "discrimination" concept, I really didn't care. Raffi was amazing, and his songs were captivating. Get a load of his awe-inspiring three-disc miracle here.

I remember when I was in pre-school, Baby Beluga was the greatest form of musical composition ever created. I still remember all the lyrics, and also that it was directly responsible for a time period of about two to three years where I was obsessed with whales. I also recall REALLY wanting to be "older" so I could have a banana phone. I still want, one, actually. That would be badass.

This was a pretty depressing day for my childhood, so I'll probably sit around and watch cartoons for the rest of the night. I suggest you all make yourselves a nice PB&J with the crusts cut off, and I  will sign off with this:


Stay strong.

Twi-Hard... With A Vengeance

Usually I don't give a shit about "celebrities," unless I'm mocking them or imagining what they look like naked.

I'm easily distracted.

Recently, however, no one can get away from this whole obnoxious deal with Kristen Stewart, who apparently "cheated" on her "boyfriend" Robert Pattinson with some 80-year-old married dude or something. Personally I find this whole situation ridiculous, as I have a tough time believing that this whole "relationship" was even real to begin with. This would probably be where my mom launches into her rant about how I think everything is a bullshit marketing conspiracy, but seriously. If you think about it:

Nine thousand years ago, when the first Twilight movie was released, it didn't take long for the public to assume that the two stars were actually dating, justliketheircharactersomgnoway!!!!!!!! This seemed like a logical jump; most of the self-proclaimed "Twi-hards" (REALLY???) appeared to be unable to separate fiction from reality.

EXHIBITS A, B and C:



WOW. Holy shit.

Personally, I never got the whole obsession with any of these kids. That three year old that plays the dog or whatever looks like an alpaca and has the acting abilities of a mop tied to a two-by-four, and the other guy looks like an unwashed lesbian, although admittedly he has gotten a little better looking as he's gotten older.

The one I'm really trying to wrap my head around is Kristen Stewart herself. Admittedly, I'm more sexually attracted to waffle fries than I am to women (although I am, strangely, incredibly attracted to waffle fries), but I just don't get her. Supposedly her Twilight alter-ego has two guys ass-to-mouth in love with her; they couldn't cast somebody who at least has a pair of tits? And also more than one facial expression?

She also seems like she'd be a total cunt. I don't know her personally or anything, but I've seen her interviewed, and she always seems to crack out one sparkling gem after another. A couple of years ago she had the proverbial balls to compare being followed by the paparazzi to being violently raped.

What a class act.

Sadly, I got dragged to Breaking Hymen or whatever the fuck it was called and GOOD GOD was that the biggest piece of absolute shit I've ever seen in my life. Sitting in that theater was akin to birthing a malcontent adult sea lion through my ear canal. The one bright spot was when I fell asleep for ten minutes. Oh, and when I bequeathed unto the audience my own Rifftrax. I don't think they appreciated it nearly as much as I did, though.

Also, thanks to the Nip Clique and my brother, who provided me with my very own drinking game. Some highlights included:

Take a drink every time someone glances past the camera longingly at nothing
Take a drink every time someone acts with their nipples and/or hair
Take a drink every time you sense another member of the Nip Clique praying for you
Take a drink every time you think of another way to fake your own death
Fuck it, just take a drink

I don't know how I wasn't dead after five minutes.

Now that we're finally coming up on the last of the Shitlight movies out of what, 712 of them, the cast, despite failing miserably critically and commercially with all of their projects that haven't been part of this shamefully atrocious franchise, is probably desperate to distance themselves from anything having to do with these films. What better way to accomplish this than to "break up" the film series' "actual couple?"

Also, considering the recent announcement that Ho White and the Huntsman is getting the sequel treatment, this is pretty good timing for that franchise as well. Before this story broke, did you know anybody besides his family that could tell you the name of the guy who directed that movie? Well, you do now.


FYI, his wife is an "aspiring" actress. This is probably an awesome PR move for her, too.

Kristen Stewart doesn't give a shit about how she comes off in all this. She's currently the highest-paid actress in Hollywood (sick, I know) with a bunch more projects lined up and already has a rep as a first-class bitch. This will change nothing for her. She could have just let this shit go but with all those stupid "public apologies" and statements this is really her fault that this isn't going away. If this were real at all she would have just focused on repairing her personal life instead of issuing a billionty statements to people who really don't care all that much.

Look, I don't actually know any of these people, nor do I give a fuck about what goes on in their lives. I could be way off base with all of this. But judging from the timing of everything, the whole thing seems a little too fabricated, and kind of makes it seem like the entertainment industry thinks that the general public is a bunch of idiots. This pisses me off, but at least I can take some consolation in the fact that there will definitely not be another Twilight movie ever again. EVER.

Probably. Maybe. Let's hope not.

Aural Sex: July 2011 Edition

As a music columnist (just go with it), I look for every opportunity to marry my two greatest loves- Ryan Gosling and chocolate.

Ha! No. Well, yes, but seriously- any chance I get to make a connection between the two worlds of comics and music, count me in. Considering the shitty films we've been subjected to this summer, that gives me all the more reason to look back on the most badass collaborations between superheroes, supernerds and supersavants- the Comic Book Movie Soundtrack.

Unfortunately for the Comic Book Movie, most of them have the distinction of being pretty fucking terrible. For every The Dark Knight, there's a Batman & Robin (I think I just got inspired for a new round of SMAC!). This was a particularly difficult list to compile because a lot of films in this genre are scored and don't use a lot of songs in general. However, the ones that do decide to go the soundtrack route usually make good use of their decision.

Qualifications include having both a major comic book or graphic novel arc and a killer soundtrack. This leaves out breathtakingly abysmal pieces of shit such as Green Lantern (sorry, Reynolds), The Green Hornet, Fantastic Four 1 AND 2, both Men In Blacks, Daredevil, Elektra and The Spirit. Unfortunately, this also invalidates Sin City, 300, Hellboy 1 and 2, Dick Tracy, A History of Violence, Road to Perdition, Ghost World, V for Vendetta, The Rocketeer (Fuck you! I like that movie!), and, somewhat to my dismay, all of the X-Men films, which have instrumental scores. Observe the list, laugh, cry, break shit, whatever.

CAUTION: There are some spoilers in this post if you haven't read the books or seen the movies. So if you still scroll down, don't get pissed at me or anything.

The BATMAN Franchise

Batman first made his appearance in DC Comics #27 in 1939 and has had six films made about him, the first being Tim Burton's Batman in 1989. Batman also holds the honor of having both the best and worst biopics on this list- while The Dark Knight is not only my favorite comic book movie but also one of the most finely crafted and well-casted films I've ever seen in general, Batman & Robin is one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies I recommend you not watch unless under threat of slow, searing gas pain.

The character of Batman is seriously screwed up. If you think about it, he's some dude with serious parental issues, running around in a cape thinking that he's solving everyone's issues when actually, people just want him to shut the fuck up with that annoying voice. That's not an original concept or anything- if you take away the costume, you just described all my exes.

Three of the six Batman movies were scored (Batman Returns, Batman Begins, and The Dark Knight), and three of them had soundtracks. We'll cover the soundtracked movies here, because even though they weren't that great, the albums are pretty kick-ass.

Batman, 1989

The soundtrack to 1989's Batman was written, produced and performed entirely by Prince, with some guest vocals. It sold three million copies domestically and was number one on the Billboard charts for six weeks. Even if the album sucked, which it totally didn't, it was still created by Prince, which is an automatic win.

Batman Forever, 1995

Batman Forever is one of the best music compilations I've ever heard. I still listen to most of these bands- I'm a HUGE fan of The Offspring and probably have half their catalog on my iPod. As it turns out, a lot of people agreed with me- it sold almost as much as Prince's Batman soundtrack and also reached #1 on the charts.

Too bad the movie sucked balls. I always feel kind of sorry for any film that's awful and is riding on the success of another media collaboration.

Here's a list of the most download-worthy tracks on the CD:

Smash- The Offspring

Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me- U2

Tell Me Now- Mazzy Star

There Is A Light- Nick Cave

The Passenger- Michael Hutchence

The Hunter Gets Captured By The Game- Massive Attack with Tracy Thorn

Kiss From A Rose- Seal (I'm not a huge fan of this one, but it won like a zillion Grammys, so I thought I would include it)

Also, here are some more artists featured on the album. I don't necessarily like all of them, but seeing as how this was the mid-nineties, these are all excellent choices for a collaborative CD.

Sunny Day Real Estate

Method Man

PJ Harvey

Brandy

The Flaming Lips

Batman & Robin, 1997

If it's possible, this one was even worse than Batman Forever. I remember that I actually saw this movie in theaters with the kid I was babysitting and even he wanted his money back. It was laughably, supremely awful. Another crime this film has committed: it makes me NOT want to look at George Clooney's rubber nipples. Shame on you, Batman & Robin.

If you insist on watching this movie, you should probably just fast forward to Uma Thurman's scenes as Poison Ivy. They are hilarious.

Youtube wouldn't let me embed this, but here's a brief preview:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xk_ZyEUR2Y

The soundtrack, however, is pretty decent. There's a few choice tracks on there, and some really popular artists- back in 1997. R.E.M. is one of my all-time favorites, and I've had a rebirth of ladywood for Smashing Pumpkins ever since I saw them live last summer.

Revolution- R.E.M.

Foolish Games- Jewel

The End Is The Beginning Is The End- Smashing Pumpkins

The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning- Smashing Pumpkins

Some artists that are featured on the soundtrack that I'm not totally into, but are worth mentioning as a lot of people were listening to them back then:

Goo Goo Dolls

R. Kelly (I would make a joke here, but everything's already been done, so I'll just let it go)

Bone Thugs-N-Harmony

Soul Coughing

THE CROW

I'm ignoring the sequels and intended remake because The Crow is such an amazing movie and graphic novel. I love Bradley Cooper, but he makes no sense for this franchise and I am so worried that this reboot is going to be really stupid. So I'll just console myself with Netflix.

At any rate, The Crow's musical compilation features a ton of bands that I love, some performing tracks written by even more bands that I love. The standout is definitely Nine Inch Nails' interpretation of Joy Division's "Dead Souls." It was the first time I ever experienced an eargasm, only I didn't know what it was because I was like, six or something.

Here are the most noteworthy tracks on the CD:

Dead Souls- Nine Inch Nails (originally performed by Joy Division)

Burn- The Cure

Darkness- Rage Against The Machine

Big Empty- Stone Temple Pilots

Ghostrider- Rollins Band

And as usual, a list of other artists featured on the album:

Pantera

Violent Femmes

Jesus and Mary Chain

The IRON MAN Franchise (Thanks to Shells for reminding me about this one)

I really dug the first Iron Man film. I could totally get into a comic book movie that was tailored to adults, yet still shamelessly exploited the wants and needs of little kids. Plus they could have turned the camera on Robert Downey, Jr. while he toured a box factory for two hours and I would have stood in line for three days and bought twelve tickets at retail price.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdBSCjG4yFM

The music featured in the first film was all scored by Ramin Djawadi, but the guitar pieces were done by Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave, so I was still superexcited.

The second movie, unfortunately, wasn't as enjoyable. It focused too much on Gwyneth Paltrow's unnaturally shiny legs and nasally indigestion voice. The soundtrack, however, was basically a showcase of my #mostfavoritestartistsEVER playlist, so it definitely makes my list. Some of the bands on the soundtrack include AC/DC, who are featured prominently throughout the movie, The Clash, Beastie Boys, Queen and Daft Punk.

And of course, if you hadn't figured this out by now, Ozzy's classic "Iron Man" plays in both films. The way it cuts into the ending of the first Iron Man is epic.

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD

I saw this movie opening day and immediately fell in love with it. I have no idea why it performed so poorly. I do have my theories, though.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is based on the second in a series of graphic novels released in 2004. The Scott Pilgrim movie is maybe the most exact description of the words "graphic novel film" that anyone has ever come up with.

The entire movie is like a giant video game. Enemies turn into coins, Scott Pilgrim has a scene where he fights the evil version of himself, and there's a pop culture reference every ten seconds. There was a character named Stephen Stills, and I was the ONLY ONE in the theater that laughed. I CAN'T be that nerdy. Or can I?

The music in the movie is not only great, it's fun. Scott Pilgrim is like the high schooler's Google Reader version of High Fidelity. Scott Pilgrim's band, The Sex Bob-ombs ( a Mario Bros. reference- and I was NOT the only one that caught that), performs music written by Beck, and the songs by their rivals, Crash and the Boys, are composed by Broken Social Scene. The band Clash at Demonhead, meanwhile, was inspired by Metric, who my friend E was listening to years ago, before anyone knew who they were. E, BTW, is chilling somewhere in the UK right now, that lucky bitch.

As if that weren't enough, some of the artists on the soundtrack are Frank Black, T-Rex, The Rolling Stones (with the classic track Under My Thumb), Dan The Automator, Kid Koala and Radiohead producer Nigel Godrich. Also, tying into its Comic-Con theme, genuine music from The Legend of Zelda can be heard in a dream sequence.

Through Universal Studios, a teaser trailer was released as part of Scott Pilgrim's marketing campaign featuring music from The Prodigy, The Tings Tings, Be Your Own Pet, Cornelius, Blood Red Shoes and LCD Soundsystem, who I'm still depressed about.

SPAWN

The Spawn soundtrack is pretty damn ace. Comprised solely of collaborations, all its tracks are in the electronica, industrial or hard rock genre. It debuted at #7 on Billboard and sat on the charts for 25 weeks, selling over 500,000 copies domestically.

Some of the most bad-ass tracks on the CD include:

(Can't You) Trip Like I Do- Filter & The Crystal Method

One Man Army- The Prodigy & Tom Morello

Long Hard Road Out of Hell- Marilyn Manson & Sneaker Pimps

Tiny Rubberband- Butthole Surfers & Moby

Torn Apart- Stabbing Westward & Wink

Familiar- Incubus & DJ Greyboy

T-4 Strain- Henry Rollins & Goldie

Kick the P.A.- Korn & The Dust Brothers

Spawn- Silverchair & Vitro

Other artists featured that are worth mentioning include Kirk Hammett, Metallica, Silverchair, Slayer, Atari Teenage Riot and Soul Coughing. Seriously, I just gave you almost the whole CD. Pick this shit up.

The SPIDER-MAN Franchise

Since 1962, Spider-Man (and that's the correct spelling, not Spiderman or Spider-man) has been releasing sticky crap out of his hands. Again, a blazing reminder of every guy I've ever dated.

Anyway, the companion albums to the Spider-Man films are perhaps the most accurate portrayals of the superhero identity crisis in general, especially the teenage angst part- there's rock, pop, and a shit-ton of emo.

The best tracks are as follows:

Spider-Man, 2002:

Learn To Crawl- Black Lab

Shelter- Greenwheel

When It Started- The Strokes

Hate To Say I Told You So- The Hives

The artists featured on the CD aren't bad either. The basset hound from Nickelback recorded the song "Hero" for the soundtrack, along with Josey Scott from Saliva, Tyler Connolly from Theory of a Deadman, Matt Cameron from Soundgarden and Pearl Jam and Mike Kroeger from Nickelback. I personally can't stand this song, but it went 4x platinum in the US and hit #3 on the Billboard Hot 10o, as well as #1 on the Modern Rock charts, becoming a massive cross-promotional hit.

Other bands on the soundtrack include Alien Ant Farm, Sum 41, Macy Gray and Pete Yorn, with the Spider-Man main title getting its own reboot by Aerosmith.

Spider-Man 2, 2004:

In my opinion, this is album that most fits the Spider-Man themes of teen angst, redemption and loss, especially with the inclusion of Dashboard Confessional and the track by Jet. I have the entire album downloaded, but here are the songs you should really be listening to:

Vindicated- Dashboard Confessional

Hold On- Jet

Give It Up- Midtown

The artists chosen to contribute to the CD were a general VH1 hotlist of 2002. Here's a list of who else you can find in the track listing:

Train

Maroon 5 (I'll accept them on mute because Adam Levine is hot)

Too bad your music blows.

Taking Back Sunday

Yellowcard

The Ataris

There's also an awesome track from Queen guitarist Brian May. Can't go wrong with that!

Spider-Man 3, 2007

This movie needed to redeem itself from its deplorable reception. Luckily, its soundtrack is just as exceptional as the first two. Hit up your iTunes for these:

Signal Fire- Snow Patrol

Move Away- The Killers

Pleased To Meet You- Wolfmother

Red River- The Walkmen

Falling Star- Jet

Spider-Man 3's companion CD also contains tracks by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Flaming Lips, The Oohlas, and Chubby Checker.

It's also worth mentioning that the Spider-Man Theme was re-recorded by the Ramones as a hidden track on their 1995 album !Adios Amigos!. Their version was also included in one of their live performances and in various other projects.

The SUPERMAN Franchise

I don't think it's necessary for me to go on about how obsessed I am with anything and everything Superman. But in case you don't know, and aren't nervous about finding out, go here.

Superman first appeared in DC Comics' Action Comics #1 in 1938 and ever since then has been floating around in comics, books, magazines, five movies, at least five television series, and um, my dreams. Wait! I mean no. Let's just move on and get to the music part.

The first film, Superman, was released in 1978, and has since become a classic. Hearing the the Superman theme that accompanies the opening credits is like Pavlov's bell to most little kids and um, myself.

Superman Opening Credits

All the films are scored, so they won't be covered here, unfortunately. However, I will tell you guys that I recently watched the movie on AMC three nights in a row even though I own it on Blu-Ray.

My advice to those of you who have not yet familiarized yourself with the Superman franchise is to move to America. After that, watch Superman, Superman II and Superman II:The Richard Donner Cut and skip everything else. 

Superman Returns should never have been made and was a desperate attempt to cash in on all the comic books that are being exploited by Hollywood. This new Man of Steel that's being slowly unraveled by Zack Snyder right now makes me very uneasy and I hope that having Jonathan Nolan on board means that I won't cry through all of 2012. I plan on writing a post airing all my grievances on this later on, so be on the lookout for that. Or, check out now. Your call.

SMALLVILLE:

I never got into Smallville, even though I really, really wanted to, because it was boring and stupid, but I did look up the music used on the show for the sake of this post, and, like most of the shows on the CW, that turned out to be its only redeeming quality. The Smallville theme was "Save Me" by Remy Zero, which I actually have in my iTunes, and some of the artists heard in the episodes included Stabbing Westward, The Juliana Theory, Sia AND Zero 7, Unwritten Law, Interpol, The Cult, and Juliette and the Licks (SERIOUSLY??? OHMIGOD!!! Maybe I should have watched.)

I did not, however, appreciate seeing a season 7 episode listing that appeared to be a showcase for that dude from OneRepublic who's like a whore for tweenyboppers. Also, when I was scrolling through the music section of the website I was just waiting to see that awful "Superman" song by Five For Fighting, because wouldn't that just be predictable and cheesy, and yup, there it was.

Apparently the show released two soundtracks as well, both of which didn't impress me, save for the inclusion of Depeche Mode's "Precious" on Volume Two: Metropolis Mix.

So basically, watch the first two movies, and call it a day. And try not to picture me geeking out and fanning myself when the Superman theme comes on.

THOR

Seriously, have you seen this guy's arms?

Most of the music used in Thor is a score composed by Patrick Doyle. However, I had to include this movie because in one scene, and the closing credits, Foo Fighters' "Walk," from their latest LP, Wasting Light, is used as the only non-instrumental piece deemed worthy enough to make it into the film. Dave Grohl's god-like awesomeness strikes again.

WATCHMEN

The Watchmen series was released in 1986, and is the only graphic novel before or since to make TIME's 100 All-TIME Greatest Novels list (in 2005). It was also featured at number 13 on Entertainment Weekly's list of 50 best novels in the last 25 years. Getting the feature film to finally hit theaters was a decades-long struggle that left fans salivating for a movie worthy of its caliber. Watchmen finally came out in 2009 from Warner Bros. Pictures.

While the movie wasn't a complete failure, fans of the book weren't exactly high on it as a whole. First of all, no matter how hot Billy Crudup is (and he is), no one wants to look at a big, blue schlong in our face for four hours- or, for that matter, for two minutes. Speaking of, what was up with that runtime? I've had relationships that were shorter than that. It's also a Zack Snyder movie all the way- he's not completely faithful to the novel, which again, makes me very, very apprehensive about Man of Steel.

However, the movie is memorable for the opening scene set to Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changin'", which shows what our society has and will become. It does trick you into thinking that you just spent nine bucks on the Watchmen film you always wanted to see, but it's a mesmerizing scene nonetheless.

The soundtrack is a music buff's college term paper, with the aforementioned Dylan track plus classics by Hendrix and Janis Joplin. Also included is the closing credits title, an energizing effort from, surprisingly, My Chemical Romance, who usually annoy the shit out of me. They are covering a song originally performed by Bob Dylan, though, so maybe that explains it. Leonard Cohen's oft-interpreted "Hallelujah" also appears, both on the soundtrack and in the film (I remember that it played during a particularly disturbing sex scene between Silk Spectre II and Nite Owl II, which almost ruined it for me). Here's a complete listing of the best tracks from the movie:

Desolation Row- My Chemical Romance

Hallelujah- Leonard Cohen

All Along the Watchtower- Jimi Hendrix

The Times They Are A-Changin'- Bob Dylan

Me And Bobby McGee- Janis Joplin

The film also features two songs that are mentioned in the novel- "Hallelujah" and Simon & Garfunkel's "The Sounds of Silence."

As always, feel free to weigh in with your opinions below. I realize with every post that I write about comics I lose more and more street cred, but keep in mind that I weigh like fourteen pounds and look like I'm 12 anyway, so really, this is not hurting anything and you're all bound to find out anyway.