Oh, Canada! (Nugs vs. Allison 2013 Edition: I Was Saying Boo-Urns)

The NHL postseason is over, and I have to admit to being wrong.

Allison and I have been recapping the Stanley Cup playoffs for you, going through every round and predicting who will advance. We also did this last year, and despite Allison being born and raised in Hockey Country, I won with so many points that even I felt bad for her. This year Allison got the gold star, so we've both been equally humiliated. 

This is a weird feeling, since I'm right about stuff practically all the time. I don't know what to do about this. 

You can see Allison's gloating on her blog, My Quarter-life Crisis.

NUGS' RECAP:

In calling this series, I definitely wanted Chicago to win. Like, really, really badly. I'm pretty positive that everybody hates the Bruins, unless you live in Boston and are therefore a totally obnoxious sports fan by default (except if you're Ginny- love you), but seeing as how they decimated the Rangers in the Semifinals, I was more than ready to see the Bruins go down. 

However, I had to be logical, and I truly believed that the Stupid Boo-urns were the more able team. I did predict a seven game series, and a lot of OT, but I assumed that the Bruins' massive size and physicality would lead them to their second Cup since 2011. 

Last night it seemed as if Boston would take the series into Game Seven- they dominated the Blackhawks and eventually scored. It remained 1-0 until Allison's boyfriend and Chicago captain Jonathan Toews tied it up in the second. 

FYI, Allison: You may want to let Toews in on the fact that you two are, in fact, together. Then again, I'm waiting to let Baby Goose know. It has to be just the right time- you know, after our second child is born.

Yeah...I don't...arms...I'm sorry, what?

Then the third period happened, and Boston scored again, making it 2-1. I breathed a little easier, thinking that I would have at least one more game to consider what sort of present I would request that Allison send me in the mail. Then came the last minute, and the Hawks scored again- twice. Center Dave Bolland's goal sealed the deal for Chicago and the Stanley Cup was theirs, for the second time in four years. I wish the Conn Smythe had been awarded to him instead of Patrick Kane, who admittedly is a fantastic player but sucks ass as a human being.

I am disappointed in my loss, but this does mean public humiliation for the Stupid Boo-urns. So really, I can't be that upset. Also, remember that Allison failed miserably last year, and she's the one that's Canadian. So you could sort of consider this a victory for America Junior, I guess. 

Also, keeping with the theme of "Nugs Looks Like a Dumbass," Iron Man called this series as well, down to the number of games. I should bring him to Vegas. Lily also said that the Hawks would win, but that's probably only because she's from Chicago and loves them. She's a Cubs fan, too, so I never really listen to her.

Because I apparently haven't learned anything from any of this, I'm calling it now: Rangers 2014. In 4.

ALLISON'S RECAP:

This wasn't easy, and there were a lot of doubters, but sticking by Chicago from the start was a wise move for me. Their series against Minnesota was fairly predictable, but the games against Detroit, LA and Boston weren't easy. I had faith in them because I knew they had the talent. I knew that a team can't have the kind of regular season record they did and go down without a fight. They fought hard and they won. I'll admit to having my doubts about them a few times, but I decided to be loyal to my choice and not flip flop. Throughout the playoffs many people questioned the abilities of some of  the players. Jonathan Toews wasn't scoring enough, Corey Crawford had a weak glove-side, blah blah blah. It seemed like the media just didn't want them to win. I found myself wanting to punch Don Cherry last night because of his bias towards Boston. Of course he wanted Boston to win, as a former coach of the organization, but as a sports reporter you need to talk about both teams' strengths and weaknesses. 

Obviously, I would be 100x more excited if the Habs had won the Cup (I would have called in sick today probably), but I've always had a lot of respect for the Blackhawks  - so I don't consider this a bandwagon jump. Leaf fans are, of course, making this victory all about them. As if Chicago beat Boston on their behalf. Newsflash, Chicago doesn't give a shit about your sad first round loss! This isn't about you!

Editor's Note: Agreed. This was clearly all for the Rangers fans.

For those of you who didn't watch last night's game, I'll give you a quick rundown. So in the first period Boston was all over us - outshooting us and eventually scoring. Cory Crawford played amazingly. With all those shots on net he did an fantastic job keeping it a one-goal game going into the second. 

Toews tied it up in the second and things stabilized for Chicago.

The third period was insane - probably one of the most exciting finals I've seen in a while. Boston came back and scored giving them a 2-1 lead. For most of the third period it seemed that a game 7 was likely,  but then it happened.

With just over a minute left Brian Bickell scored to tie up the game. Overtime seemed to be the most likely scenario. Then it happened again...Bolland scored with less than a minute left on the clock. The Chicago Blackhawks won Lord Stanley's Cup.

Gary Bettman (aka the Devil) presented the cup to Captain Serious (aka my boyfriend)...Jonathan Toews and he kissed the Cup for the second time in his career. But before that Patrick "The Mullet" Kane was awarded the Conn Smythe trophy for MVP of the playoffs. I would have given it to Crawford - but yeah, Kane did get a lot of goals.

POINTS: ALLISON

FINAL POINTS TALLY: 

NUGS 9, ALLISON 11

So that sucked. I don't do well with losing. At any rate, congratulations to Allison, and to the Blackhawks for their awesome and well-deserved conquest. Also congratulations to Chicago goalie Corey Crawford for being super hot. How come I never noticed that before?

Uh, hi.

Did you guys watch any of the Finals? Did you care who won? Do you read my sports posts at all? Or do you really want me to go back to posting pictures of SNAKES THAT CAN OPEN FUCKING DOORS?

Yeah. This is a thing.

Oh, Canada! (Nugs vs. Allison 2013 Edition: Stanley Cuppage)

Well, this blows.

If you're new here, Allison and I have been recapping the NHL postseason by guessing which teams emerge victorious in all four rounds. To make it interesting (and possibly less humiliating for Allison, who's Canadian and should know this stuff), we've been awarding each other one point for each correct prediction in the Quarter- and Semifinals, two for the Finals and three for the Stanley Cup. Whoever wins has to mail the loser a hockey-related gift. We also did this for 2012 and I forget what the actual score was, but I'm pretty positive that it was something like 20,000 to 2, me.  

This year was looking like it was going to probably be the same outcome- and then the Finals happened. I'll give myself a pass on the Western Conference, because I still maintain that that series could have gone either way (that's what she said). But the East? Where the hell did that come from? Now I'm still in the lead, but Allison is steadily approaching. If I get the Stanley Cup wrong, she receives a shiny new gift.

I'm a Jew- we like getting money, not giving it away.

Here's a recap of the Conference Finals round of the 2013 NHL postseason, where I receive no points. 

NUGS vs. ALLISON, ROUND 3:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

STUPID BOSTON BOO-URNS over PITTSBURGH PENGUINS

Not only did the Stupid Bruins win this round and advance to the Stanley Cup finals, but the one-seed Pens got totally swept. I mean, zero games. At all. I can't even explain this. I have no idea what happened. 

POINT: NEITHER

WESTERN CONFERENCE

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS over LOS ANGELES KINGS

To Iron Man's credit, he totally called this one. "Chicago is going to destroy LA. 5 games." Yeah, I look like a jackass. 

POINT: ALLISON

FINALS ROUND POINTS TALLY: 

NUGS 9, ALLISON 8

I don't like this. I don't like this one bit.



Now, to add to my incompetency, here are our prognostications for the Stanley Cup Final. You can also read Allison's version on her blog, My Quarter-life Crisis.

I fail at life.

BOSTON BRUINS vs. CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS

NUGS: STUPID BOSTON BOO-URNS over HAWKS in 7

That actually just happened.

I feel like Peter Parker when he discovers his first web-shooters, only much less awesome because what came out of my hands is that the BRUINS WILL WIN THE CUP (technically it was wrists with Spider-Man, not hands, but you get what I mean). 

There are so many reasons why everyone should hate the Bruins, even tiny puppies who love anyone and anything as long as it pets them and feeds them cookies:

1) Patrice Bergeron. Patrice is a girl's name. It has no business belonging to a hockey player. 

B) Team owner Jeremy Jacobs is an asshole. He was the head of the owner's group during the lockout and pretty much the reason why we had a shortened hockey season this year. NHL players can't stand him, either. So to give him the Cup would be like rewarding him for being a selfish billionaire. Well done. 

SNOW LEOPARD) Zdeno Chara is a worthless piece of shit. Observe:

DD) I have nothing against Tuukka Rask in particular, but he's on the Bruins, too. So I'm going to go with "he sucks." Also his name is stupid.

This is one time where I hope that I'm wrong and that Chicago wipes the floor with them and Chara cries. I really want to argue against the Bruins, who barely got out of a Quarterfinal series with the Leafs. (Really??? The Leafs???) They played seven games, including two that went into OT and two that were only decided by one goal. Then came the Semifinals, which we won't get into here in case I have a stroke.

The Finals were up next, against top-seeded Pittsburgh. Everyone put their money on the Crosby-Malkin combination and figured that Boston would get annihilated. Of course that didn't happen, since neither Crosby nor Malkin scored ANY points the entire series and the Pens were swept. One could make the case that the Bruins were just that good during the playoffs, or that both the Rangers and the Penguins played like total shit. I would say that it was probably both. 

In any case, the Bruins are on a high from a strong playoff run, and boast more massive players than Chicago. They're also bigger douchebags (save for the Hawks' Patrick Kane, who is a horrible human being), which makes for a very physical series. This will push Boston past Chicago, just barely, and the series will last seven games. I'm also predicting that at least two will go into overtime.

ALLISON: HAWKS over BRUINS

To sum up Round Three: Huh???

Nugs and I both picked Pittsburgh over Boston because....duh...they were the obvious choice. Little did we know that they would completely fall apart and get beat down in four pitiful games. Shit. Oh well - we both gained nothing from that. We're both losers!

The Chi/LA series also surprised me. I got the result I wanted but I was not that happy with how close some of the games were. Um, you were up 2-0 and you end up tied 3-3 by the end of the third period??? It went into double overtime! Way to give me a heart attack Chicago!

As much as I think Patrick Kane is the scum of the earth, he totally brought his 'A' game this series. Hopefully he keeps scoring against Boston.

I've said all along that if the Habs couldn't pull out a miraculous victory that Chicago would win the Stanley Cup this year. I stand by my original comment for two reasons:

1) The regular season record speaks for itself. They were virtually unstoppable during the shortened season. They are a talented and creative team.

2) Might be a risk, but my only shot at actually winning this bet.

So there they are. Our recaps, forecasts, and my slow descent into dismal failure. The first game was on last night, and Chicago has already won, so I'm looking forward into Allison being able to gleefully rip me apart. 

You can see a full schedule of the 2013 NHL Stanley Cup playoffs here.

Oh, Canada! (Nugs vs. Allison 2013 Edition: Round 2)

Round 1 of the NHL playoffs ended yesterday, and my Rangers are still around! Unfortunately for Allison, her Habs didn't make it, but that could be because she lives right near Toronto where she's not allowed to like the Habs. Canadians seem confused. 

Anyway, Round 2 starts tonight with Pittsburgh vs. Ottawa at 7:30 and San Jose vs. LA at 10:00, so our Semifinal picks are going up today. You can see Allison's version on her blog, My Quarter-Life Crisis. We're awarding each other one point for each correct guess in the first two rounds, two points for each in the Finals, and three for the Stanley Cup. Whoever comes out ahead (HAHAHAHA. "Ahead.") gets a hockey-related gift from the loser. So far, just like with last year, I'm winning again. 

Shame on you, Allison. Canada can't claim much, but at least you guys should have hockey. If not, you pretty much get flannel shirts. And Bieber.

Here's a recap of the Quarterfinals, pretending you guys care, and a roundup of our forecasts of the Semifinals. As always, Al is in blue; mine are in red.

NUGS vs. ALLISON, ROUND 1:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS over NEW YORK ISLANDERS 

While we both called this one, I can honestly say that watching the Isles play gave me serious doubts. This turned out to be one of the most entertaining series in the entire postseason. The Isles will definitely become a force next year, thanks to John Tavares and the rest of his line. The Islanders definitely earned some respect from their fans and their opponents, and they've become a team to look out for in the seasons to come.

POINT: BOTH

OTTAWA SENATORS over MONTREAL CANADIENS

Personally I don't give a shit about either of these teams because they're Canadian and I'm not, but everyone assumed that Montreal would take this and then they didn't. 

Canadians are weird. They're all nice and stuff and say "sorry" all the time and then when they play hockey they beat the living crap out of each other. Also sometimes they take themselves REALLY seriously.

POINT: NEITHER

NEW YORK RANGERS over WASHINGTON CAPITALS 

Oh, you mean the CRAPITALS????

Now that we're safely onto the Semis, I can move onto my next round of stress-inducing coronaries. So we won, but barely. I predicted six games, but we were again forced into 7. Fortunately, the seventh game barely registered and the Craps didn't even make it onto the board. It was quite sad, really. The Craps didn't even allow themselves to die with dignity- Ovechkin later had this to say about their elimination:

Ovi on refs: "Not saying there was a phone call, but they wanted Game 7. For ratings. You know, lockout, escrow, league must make profit"

I hope this year's MVP votes aren't already in. He should be traded to Philly. 

Anyway, the Blueshirts won, and that's what counts. I'll no longer have to look at Holtby's smug dick face every time he makes a save. Also on the plus side, Bobby and I can be friends again. 

RANGERS FOREVER.

POINT: BOTH

BOSTON BRUINS over TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS 

It's not so much that the Bruins won, but it's that the series ended the way that it did. Tabs actually cried when Toronto got knocked off, which I completely respect because this makes her a true fan. The Leafs played an entire round, bringing in a Game 7 that resulted in an OT win for Boston.

The question remains, though- was this a result of an incredible Quarterfinal show for the Leafs, or was Boston way off their game (no pun intended)? I'm going with the latter. I'd like to believe that Toronto is on their way to becoming more of a postseason mainstay, but somehow I think they just got hot at the right time and were met with a Bruins lineup that was a little shaken up.

POINT: BOTH

WESTERN CONFERENCE

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS over MINNESOTA WILD

Honestly, I'm surprised Minnesota won one game. You can blame injuries all you want, but the fact remains that Chicago is the much better team. Not only would they probably have defeated any team they played in the first round, but they will more than likely win the Cup this year. The Wild, who lack effectiveness and experience, never had a chance.

POINT: BOTH

DETROIT REDWINGS over ANAHEIM DUCKS

I'm especially proud of this one because everyone thought I was clinically insane for predicting that the Wings would win. Essentially, my precognition was that Detroit's crazy power forwards would prevail over Anaheim's nasty goaltending, and that turned out to be accurate. It was a great series and an intense matchup- it went to Game 7, just like I suspected. 

POINT: ME

SAN JOSE SHARKS over VANCOUVER CANUCKS

What the fuck? Can anyone explain how this happened?

POINT: NEITHER

LOS ANGELES KINGS over ST. LOUIS BLUES

Honestly, this could have gone either way. The Blues were eliminated by LA last year, so I knew they would be out for blood this time around. After St. Louis took the first two in a row, I thought that Allison may have gotten this point. LA came back though, and the series went to six games. The Blues played well, and tied the series, but eventually Quick's intense goaltending skills and LA's overall defense led to their advancement. 

POINT: ME

QUARTERFINALS POINTS TALLY: 

NUGS 6, ALLISON 4

NUGS vs. ALLISON, ROUND 2:

EASTERN CONFERENCE

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS vs. OTTAWA SENATORS

NUGS: PENS over SENS in 6

I totally overestimated the Pens- or underestimated the Islanders- and had them demolishing their opponents in 5 games in the Quaterfinals. While the Pens ultimately won the first round, it was an uphill struggle, with the Isles definitely outplaying them in a couple of games. While the Pens' Crosby-Malkin line is still arguably the most formidable on the ice, Fleury proved to be less than stellar in the net once again and wound up getting pulled in favor of their back-up goalie. Meanwhile, John Tavares and his Isles struck a significant amount of fear into the Pens and their fans- look for them in many more postseasons to come. 

Many still seem to think that the Pens are on their way to what would be their second Stanley Cup in under 5 years. GM Ray Shero is making the correct moves, starting Vokoun in goal for tonight's first game at the Consol. 

The Sens, however, are a crapshoot- did they advance due to their own athletic abilities or because the Habs played like total shit? Sorry Allison- I know you love them, but I watched a few of those games. Except for that one matchup where everyone on the ice got in a fight, which was amazing, I really wasn't that impressed.

One thing the Sens do have in their corner is their goalie, Craig Anderson, who had a 1.49 GAA and is a Vezina Trophy finalist. Also it helps that when you add a letter to their name, "Sens" doesn't come out as "Penis."

Just sayin.

Also "Sens" and "Pens" rhyme and that's funny.

Based solely on my observations of both teams in the Quarterfinals, I'm going to give this to the Pens. However, it will go to a Game 6.

ALLISON: SENS over PENS

I'm basing this purely on my round one observations. The Pens did not destroy the Isles as I had originally predicted. Yeah, they won the series, but NYI really did put up a fight. The Sens were extremely determined during their series against my beloved Habs. They pretty much killed us. There was no mercy. Sens are coming off of a pretty awesome win, and Pittsburgh is coming off of a struggle - I'm giving this one to Ottawa.

NEW YORK RANGERS vs. BOSTON BRUINS

NUGS: MY BLUESHIRTS over STUPID BOO-URNS in 7

This is not a biased answer because I die for the Rangers and loathe the Bruins. It happens to be a formal, educated guess based on my knowledge of the sport and my observations of Round 1. 

And it's also a biased answer because I die for the Rangers and loathe the Bruins.

Boston could barely get out of a Quarterfinal round vs. the Leafs. I mean, really? Everyone was predicting a sweep and they went into an OT Game 7. The Bruins are generally very good but they almost fell to a team that hasn't won anything in almost 50 years and doesn't even realize that "Leafs" isn't even a real word. Well played, Boston. Well played.

Meanwhile, my boys succeeded in giving me another stroke this year by being forced into seven games again; fortunately Game 7 against the Craps barely even registered. We totally schooled Ovenchicken and his stupid Crapitals, and we're definitely ready to take on the Bruins. If they could hardly triumph over the Leafs, there's NO CHANCE they'll be victorious against us.

What concerns me about this matchup is that in Round 1, both of us struggled to defeat teams that we should have eclipsed in six games or less. This will make for a solid Round 2, and will cue a string of small heart attacks for me.

ALLISON: RANGERS over BRUINS

Now that the Bruins have embarrassed the Leafs successfully, I can go back to hating their stupid faces and throw this one to the Rangers.

Editor's Note: Strongly agree. I was saying Boo-Urns.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS vs. DETROIT REDWINGS

NUGS: HAWKS over WINGS in 6

Chicago is the team in the West that most NHL fans and analysts believe have a chance to take home the Cup. They lost 12 games all season and dominated Minnesota in the Quarterfinals. 

Now that they're matched against postseason stalwarts Detroit, expect at least 6 games in this series. Not only do the Redwings have a couple of unnerving forwards in Datsyuk and Zetterberg, but their defense is getting scarier as well. 

The Redwings are also very familiar with the NHL postseason, having made 22 consecutive appearances. Both teams are recent Cup winners- the Wings in '08 and the Hawks in '10- so they're both used to playing to win. This will be a very competitive series, but ultimately, the honor will go to the Hawks.

ALLISON: HAWKS over WINGS

Chicago will win the cup. P.S. Toews is hot. That is all.

Oh haaaai.

LOS ANGELES KINGS vs. SAN JOSE SHARKS

NUGS: KINGS over SHARKS in 5

I have no idea how the Sharks, perennial playoff chokers, totally swept the Canucks in the first round. That was probably a mistake. Maybe they'll win one game in San Jose, but there's no way they're advancing past the Semis.

ALLISON: KINGS over SHARKS

I have no effin' clue. I really didn't pay much attention to either of these teams much. Sure, let's go LA - why not?  Chicago will kill either of these teams in Round 3.

Keep in mind that there were a lot of upsets in the first round, so more than likely, we're totally wrong again. Let us know who you guys are rooting for in the comments below, and if you agree with our picks. Notice how I didn't say "disagree," because we don't care about that.

The More You Know

It's probably not news to anyone that at the time of this post, 26 people were murdered in a Newtown, Connecticut grade school yesterday morning. 20 of those people were little kids. One was a teacher trying to protect her students from the gunman.

http://www.cnn.com/2012/12/15/us/connecticut-school-shooting/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

The shooter, who I will not glorify any further by naming here, had forced his way into the school. He was a 20 year old kid. It was also reported that he killed his mother and, when he was satisfied with his handiwork, himself. His older brother had to disable his Facebook page when he was erroneously identified as the suspect.

News reports say that the gunman suffered from a personality disorder, which calls into question exactly how the fuck this 20-year-old deranged fucking lunatic was able to get his hands on a loaded murder weapon in the first place. There are extensive background checks for minimum wage jobs at McDonald's, yet this douchebag manages to score an assault rifle? I can't be the only one that sees the epic fail in this.

I found out about the events that occurred late yesterday morning when I logged onto Facebook. I was all set to post about how stoked I was to go see The Hobbit, but I was immediately flooded with status updates about Sandy Hook. Some of my friends admittedly went a little overboard- yes, it was a tragedy; yes, it was sick and senseless and disturbing and horrible; yes, it hit close to home for myself, my family and a lot of my friends (I went to high school about 20 minutes away from Newtown)- but posting news updates and photos and angry rants every five minutes is not going to make anything go away, and will only feed into what this nutjob would have wanted.

(I'm also looking at you, news anchors and media shitstorm. Interviewing parents and even worse, terrified and sobbing children, is probably the most disgusting ploy for ratings I can even imagine. No. Go home.)

One of the most awful parts of this is probably that while this asshole will inevitably be rewarded with a Movie of the Week/feature film/countless magazine covers, in a few weeks no one will remember the names of any of the victims, including the teachers that died shielding their students from bullets.

Some have said that it's too bad that the killer turned the gun on himself, since now none of the victims' families will have the chance to take him out themselves. I'm looking at it this way: I hope the worst is over, and as strange as this sounds, we as a country can look at this in a positive way. Call your friends and family and tell them you love them. Spend time with them if they're located in your vicinity. Do unexpected nice things for random strangers.

Yesterday, inspired by these events, I gave two dollars to a homeless guy and he acted like it was a check for a million bucks. Then, on the way to the movies, I stopped at a pharmacy to get snacks, and paid for the woman behind me since she only had two items in her hand. I didn't even tell her; just let the cashier know that the "next girl was taken care of" and left. I didn't say anything to my brother, either. Was it a huge gesture? No. Her total was like five dollars. However, I felt that with my actions I had just said a massive "fuck you" to a guy that had just murdered a bunch of little kids.

Also, maybe this will help improve the US as a whole, and force a tighter rein on gun control and a better healthcare system which recognizes mental disabilities. I'm not saying this could have been prevented with Healthcare- clearly this dude was severely unhinged- but at least steps could have been taken and at least he could have seen a shrink or something. Apparently there were "warning signs," although emailing people and saying "yo, I'm thinking of shooting up an elementary school tomorrow; don't tell anyone" probably doesn't count as a harbinger so much as a massive fucking RED FLAG. I'm not placing immediate blame on anyone but him; however, maybe if someone had paid closer attention to his distress calls this would never have occurred.

Basically what we have to do right now is pull through this together. Attempt to stay positive and not dwell on the past. Try to return to your normal lives. Eat, sleep, watch TV, go see The Hobbit. Let out your frustrations in any way you can, if you so choose- I've obviously done this in my writing, like so many of us (two excellent examples I've found in the blogosphere of people affected by this tragedy are Christopher from Mixed Drinks & Mixed Feelings and Rainey from A Rainey Day with a Chance of Sunshine- especially poignant because Sandy Hook was her elementary school). Be thankful for what and who you have with you right now, because honestly, they may not be there when you come home tonight.

And to make us feel (marginally) better, here is a basket of tiny puppies.

Use That Freedom

There are three types of bad movies.

The first type is one you watch to be entertained- you know that it's terrible, but you still expect that it will make you laugh, at the very least unintentionally. There will more than likely be attractive actors, usually in various stages of undress; ridiculous dialogue and a ludicrous plot. This type of film is the cornerstone of SMAC's lineup; what our very foundation is based upon (we will return soon, promise). Recent examples include The Mighty Ducks, ThanksKilling, Ed and any of the SyFy Channel movies (excluding Sharktopus, which is a finely crafted masterpiece and should always be regarded as such).

Highly recommended. Seriously.

The second type is so awful, so horrifically atrocious that you can't even get back the viewing hours that you have just spent. Getting through an entire film in this category makes you want to take up a nasty crack habit just so you have a less embarrassing "feat" to bring up at parties. A telling sign of any movie in this lexicon are the shakes, sweating, becoming pale and contemplating suicide a quarter of the way through. Movies in this genre include From Justin to Kelly, Valentine's Day and at least ninety percent of Nicolas Cage's arsenal.

The third and most hazardous type of bad movie is anything and everything Twilight. 

As hard as I tried, I could not avoid the fact that a new Twilight film opened last weekend. Sadly, I've actually been dragged to two of them in the theater, and collectively, they were the worst four hours of my life. A couple of my friends made me go see Blue Moon or whatever the fuck it was, and I hadn't read the books or seen the first movie, and I fell asleep for twenty minutes, and I was still able to follow the entire "plot" (spoiler: there are dogs or some shit). During one of the scenes the CGI was so bad that I actually started to laugh. The acting was so painful it was like burning. Kind of like that one time in college when- well, never mind.

The next time was entirely my fault. I offered to take one of my girls who was nursing a break-up wound, on one condition: I was allowed three out-loud comments. I purchased our tickets online so as not to draw attention to myself and attempted to find a seat in the jam-packed theater (we were there opening night- sometimes I am such an amazing friend that I'm jealous of myself). I tried to sit next to some pre-teen Twitard until she threw her arm over the seat and glared at me. Yikes. Who was she saving this for, her imaginary boyfriend? At any rate, my friend and I sat down anyway and I reminded her of our pact. I definitely benefitted more from my makeshift MST3K than the audience did; I doubt they appreciated when I referred to the movie as "Twilight: Breaking Hymen." Also I really wanted to incorporate the drinking game that my brother and follow Nip Clique-ers had invented to get me through the evening but I was afraid that I would be dead within ten minutes.

This movie has been out for a week and has already made $362 million internationally. It doesn't matter that all the "films" in this franchise are known to be appallingly awful; apparently, eleven-year-olds (chronologically and otherwise) don't care. Watching the two that I saw was like coating my snatch with honey and then sending a personalized, highlighted E-vite to every bee in North America.

This way to insanity

The only reason that I have actually been anticipating Twilight: Breaking Hymen Part Jesus Fuck How Many of These Are There is that supposedly, this is the last one until everyone involved decides that they want more money. Until I hear otherwise, there are no more Twilights forever. We're free, everybody!

PS- +5 to whoever can name the movie that I shamelessly quoted this post title from.

Rock You Like A... Sorry About That. Won't Happen Again.

I'm going to forego my usual Halloween post this year. I'll write stuff next week, when I can report on parties and debauchery, but there's a lot more serious shit happening right now.

Last night a state of disaster was declared in New York and New Jersey due to the massive pummeling the country faced from Hurricane Sandy. I was originally supposed to move back to Brooklyn this weekend, just in time for my favorite holiday, but the impending storm loomed so my family, who does in fact love me, preferred that I hold off on my decision. The hurricane blew through 14 different states, tropical venues and parts of the East Coast of Canada, so she's officially since been adopted by the Kardashians.

Kim Kardashian: East coast in 15 mins is our fun Kardashian Special called Dishing it out! Tune into E! All of our footage that was too crazy to air!

This is an actual tweet from Kim Kardashian during the hurricane. 'Merica.

At the time of this post, there was a death toll of almost 40 with 18 of those in New York. 8 million people were left without power, possibly for weeks. People have lost their homes. Parts of Connecticut, New Jersey, Manhattan and Brooklyn are completely underwater. Hospitals and airports are flooded and public transportation is suspended until further notice. This storm may have caused more damage than 2011's Hurricane Irene and, some are speculating, may have been worse than Hurricane Katrina. They should have named this storm Hurricane A-Rod, because then it wouldn't have hit anything.

I'm currently still in LA, so I wasn't susceptible to any of the catastrophe that occurred. I was at my dad's all day yesterday, and in between phone calls from my brothers, we spent the day glued to CNN and MSNBC. A few times, the cameras cut to some idiots cavorting through the rain puddles like they were in summer camp. I refer to these douchebags as "natural selection."

I am still, of course, a New Yorker, and 90% of the people I love and care about were affected in some way by Hurricane Olivia Newton-John. We definitely should have seen this coming, as she does like to get physical. (If you were into that joke, it was all me. If you weren't, I shamelessly stole it from Lily.)

My brothers in Brooklyn were extremely lucky and didn't even lose power. My family on the Upper East Side and Queens barely experienced any casualties, either. One of my girls in Tribeca had her apartment flooded, but has somewhere to stay until her building is fixed. A few of my friends scattered along the East Coast just got a bunch of rain and a whole lot of wind. Kitty had a major scare when she couldn't reach her parents for a few hours, but that was assuaged fairly quickly. Everyone I know was extremely fortunate, so I can go back to making fun of Philadelphia and New Jersey, which is awesome, because that's like 1/4 of my arsenal. If this wasn't our punishment for giving fame and money to those worthless degenerates from Jersey Shore, I don't know what is.

For all of those I couldn't reach via cell yesterday, I got frequent Facebook updates from the rest of them. I'm "friends" with this one girl who's a model, and I know that you're all thinking, "right, middle-class escort," but she's actually been featured on some obscure magazine covers, done a few Fashion Weeks, appeared as a walk-on in some horrible sitcoms, etc. I've been considering putting her on hide because every single one of her status updates is either a shameless self-promo or a ludicrous proclamation about how God made it so that she could book some stupid gig. God must be pretty superficial, then. Yesterday she posted a status about how because of Hurricane Sandy, she was forced to cancel her flight to LA and therefore miss two "high-profile" red carpet events.

Wow, my heart fucking bleeds for you. Your life totally sucks. You definitely have worse luck than my family, who may not have heat, light and refrigeration for weeks. Or how about my friends, who have no way to get to their jobs and are already living paycheck to paycheck? And of course you are way worse off than those who have lost their place of residence, or are critically injured, or I don't know, have died? But yeah, let's focus on your fucking "red-carpet event." That's majorly important. Almost as bad as when you lost your phone last year and it was the "worst September 11th ever!" Every time this chick refers to herself as a "New Yorker" (with a hashtag!!!) I want to punch her in the vag, especially because she's lived there for like six months.

At any rate, if you live in the tri-state area and want to donate your time and efforts, I've included some lists of places to get you started. If you're not located near any of these, click on the links to find ways to make a difference anyway.  Stay safe, everybody.

The Classics
Smaller Non-Profits
For Your Pets
New York Cares (my personal favorite)

And, just because I should:

Twi-Hard... With A Vengeance

Usually I don't give a shit about "celebrities," unless I'm mocking them or imagining what they look like naked.

I'm easily distracted.

Recently, however, no one can get away from this whole obnoxious deal with Kristen Stewart, who apparently "cheated" on her "boyfriend" Robert Pattinson with some 80-year-old married dude or something. Personally I find this whole situation ridiculous, as I have a tough time believing that this whole "relationship" was even real to begin with. This would probably be where my mom launches into her rant about how I think everything is a bullshit marketing conspiracy, but seriously. If you think about it:

Nine thousand years ago, when the first Twilight movie was released, it didn't take long for the public to assume that the two stars were actually dating, justliketheircharactersomgnoway!!!!!!!! This seemed like a logical jump; most of the self-proclaimed "Twi-hards" (REALLY???) appeared to be unable to separate fiction from reality.

EXHIBITS A, B and C:



WOW. Holy shit.

Personally, I never got the whole obsession with any of these kids. That three year old that plays the dog or whatever looks like an alpaca and has the acting abilities of a mop tied to a two-by-four, and the other guy looks like an unwashed lesbian, although admittedly he has gotten a little better looking as he's gotten older.

The one I'm really trying to wrap my head around is Kristen Stewart herself. Admittedly, I'm more sexually attracted to waffle fries than I am to women (although I am, strangely, incredibly attracted to waffle fries), but I just don't get her. Supposedly her Twilight alter-ego has two guys ass-to-mouth in love with her; they couldn't cast somebody who at least has a pair of tits? And also more than one facial expression?

She also seems like she'd be a total cunt. I don't know her personally or anything, but I've seen her interviewed, and she always seems to crack out one sparkling gem after another. A couple of years ago she had the proverbial balls to compare being followed by the paparazzi to being violently raped.

What a class act.

Sadly, I got dragged to Breaking Hymen or whatever the fuck it was called and GOOD GOD was that the biggest piece of absolute shit I've ever seen in my life. Sitting in that theater was akin to birthing a malcontent adult sea lion through my ear canal. The one bright spot was when I fell asleep for ten minutes. Oh, and when I bequeathed unto the audience my own Rifftrax. I don't think they appreciated it nearly as much as I did, though.

Also, thanks to the Nip Clique and my brother, who provided me with my very own drinking game. Some highlights included:

Take a drink every time someone glances past the camera longingly at nothing
Take a drink every time someone acts with their nipples and/or hair
Take a drink every time you sense another member of the Nip Clique praying for you
Take a drink every time you think of another way to fake your own death
Fuck it, just take a drink

I don't know how I wasn't dead after five minutes.

Now that we're finally coming up on the last of the Shitlight movies out of what, 712 of them, the cast, despite failing miserably critically and commercially with all of their projects that haven't been part of this shamefully atrocious franchise, is probably desperate to distance themselves from anything having to do with these films. What better way to accomplish this than to "break up" the film series' "actual couple?"

Also, considering the recent announcement that Ho White and the Huntsman is getting the sequel treatment, this is pretty good timing for that franchise as well. Before this story broke, did you know anybody besides his family that could tell you the name of the guy who directed that movie? Well, you do now.


FYI, his wife is an "aspiring" actress. This is probably an awesome PR move for her, too.

Kristen Stewart doesn't give a shit about how she comes off in all this. She's currently the highest-paid actress in Hollywood (sick, I know) with a bunch more projects lined up and already has a rep as a first-class bitch. This will change nothing for her. She could have just let this shit go but with all those stupid "public apologies" and statements this is really her fault that this isn't going away. If this were real at all she would have just focused on repairing her personal life instead of issuing a billionty statements to people who really don't care all that much.

Look, I don't actually know any of these people, nor do I give a fuck about what goes on in their lives. I could be way off base with all of this. But judging from the timing of everything, the whole thing seems a little too fabricated, and kind of makes it seem like the entertainment industry thinks that the general public is a bunch of idiots. This pisses me off, but at least I can take some consolation in the fact that there will definitely not be another Twilight movie ever again. EVER.

Probably. Maybe. Let's hope not.

All Apologies

I got really bored at work today, because it's a day that ends in "Y" and therefore I have nothing to do but sit around, look up asinine shit and harass Coyote Tits on Facebook. I was perusing the celebrity gossip sites, pretending it's "for research" (hey, I work for a film company!), when I found this on Dlisted.com. It's a screen capture of some idiot tweenybopper's (let's hope) Twitter feed, and frighteningly, I actually think whoever wrote it is 100% serious:

Welcome to our future, ladies and... well, clearly not ladies. And also, no gentlemen, either. So... toddlers? Chihuahuas? Fans of the Alabama Crimson Tide? (Fuck those guys! Go Gators!) Miley Cyrus?

Sounds about right.

Upon closer inspection of this mystical revelation posted by "Amanda Bieber" (I'm guessing not written on her birth certificate), I realized that her tweet did not, in fact, make me mentally implode as much as I expected it to. Now, before you're all like, "What the fuck?"; just hear me out, and draw your own conclusions:

1)  Read it over again: this girl's logic may be exponentially flawed, but her grammar and spelling are impeccable. So at least, you know, there's that. Yay, education?

B) This incredibly discomforting Twitter post just proves that Kurt Cobain, who I grew up rocking out to even after his death, really did predict the future with his words. Observe some lyrics from Nirvana's massive classic hit "Smells Like Teen Spirit":

Load up on guns, bring your friends 
It's fun to lose and to pretend 
She's overboard and self-assured 
Oh, no, I know a dirty word 


With the lights out, it's less dangerous 
Here we are now, entertain us 
I feel stupid and contagious 
Here we are now, entertain us 


Almost twenty years later, we have "Amanda Bieber." I think I'm done here.


PS- shit, I'm old.


SHARKTOPUS) We can all rest assured that one day, this delusional moron will eventually die. Also, so will Justin Bieber. 


You can all check out Dlisted's original post here.