All Tagged Up (Ye-Yeah)

Apparently while I was gone I was tagged by a couple of the Nip Clique girls in two separate memes. Hey, don't blame me; I was busy neglecting my blogging responsibilities and being all corporate and shit. I'm finally getting around to it now so my friends don't hate me forever. At least not for that.


Anyway, the first one comes from Harley at 1, b, Platypus, and the only reason I realized I should address this one first is because there are dates on everyone's posts. (I know, I know. I'm still getting guilt trips from everyone about my eight-month absence, but I only have so many booby shots to go around)


The second one is from Lor at Late to the Party. It's essentially the same, only the number of questions/tags is higher. Harley's has four for each step, and Lor's has 11. So I'll combine them both, and do seven for each. Yay for math skillz!


Here are the rules, and I WILL do all of them because Jewish guilt is a motherfucker:

1. Put the rules of this Tag on your blog.
2. Everyone tagged should tell 7 things about themselves, answer the 7 questions asked by the person who tagged you, tag 7 other people and ask them 7 different questions.
3. Let the people whom you tagged know you've done so.
4. Don't tag anyone who's been tagged before.
5. Really do tag 7 others, and don't go all "if you want to, take this tag".

OK, so Part One is done, and I didn't even have to do any work! Sweet. 

Part Two:

Seven Things About Me:

1) I 've had the same stuffed dog since I was a baby, so, pretty much my entire life. His name is Dave, and he goes everywhere with me. Literally. I mean, not literally- I don't take him out with my friends or anything, but I do bring him when I travel or go to my parent's houses and stuff like that. He was also a member of Sara's Virtual Wedding party. If my house were on fire, he's the first thing I would grab.

Oh, I lied- I did take him out a few times. He's been a real hit with the ladies; not so much with the dudes.

Dave LOVES carbs. Just like his mom.

He also sleeps with me, which means he's seen some incriminating stuff that he is WAY too young for. I'm sorry, Dave. <3

B) I was once asked how many action figures/robots I have in my collection. At the risk of losing my street cred, I counted, and came up with 16. If you'd like a full list, just ask. I am neither embarrassed nor ashamed. I also own a pretty impressive jumbo shark. 

He was actually named by Harley: TONY SHARK,
for the Marvel Comics character; or, if you wish, Robert Downey, Jr.

BABY LEMUR) One of my life's goals was to see Austin, TX; Chicago, IL and New Orleans, LA before I hit thirty. I accomplished that (!), most with the help of Nip Cliquers Sara and Lily.

DD) I kick ass at blackjack. Really, I am THAT good.

FAST FIVE) I had a pet frog as a kid. He was supposed to live for a month, and he lasted a year. I wish I had pics of him, but I don't. Sad.

SIX IS "SEX" IN NEW ZEALAND COUNTING) You know, I think I'll make that my fact. I'm running out of ideas.

AND UH, 7) I am terrified of bugs. All bugs; doesn't matter how big or what color. A few weeks ago there was one in my shower. I think it was a cockroach, just hanging out under my bathmat, waiting for me like a little evil Nazi. I kept going in there and checking on it but it was still alive. What if it was a girl bug, and it grew and gave birth to little bugs? Finally I turned the shower on and it drowned, and I killed it and it died. That's when I knew it was a boy bug, because it shriveled up and collapsed when it saw me naked, but no matter. IT WAS DEAD! 

I was so happy! I was a superhero!!!! I called all my friends and even my parents but they were all underwhelmed. Fascists. 

I swear this is what it was doing.

Seven questions I'm answering out of obligation, taken from both Harley and Lor:

1) What would you like your last meal to be? You can have as many courses as you like.

This is an easy one- since this is my very last meal, and carbs and/or fat content don't matter, I would call my mom and have her come over and cook for me. Then she would make me her Macaroni Casserole, which is an amazing pasta dish she's been making for me since I was a kid, and her mashed potatoes, which I've been trying but failing to replicate since I learned how to turn on a stove. I won't provide recipes here, since no one can duplicate them anyway.

2) And, keeping with the theme, what food will definitely be served in hell?

PICKLES. No question.

I remember when my family and I all used to go out to dinner and my brother used to put his pickles on my plate because he thought it was SO hilarious because I hate them THAT much. Pickles are so awful. They are the spawn of Satan. It's like, if puppies rode golf carts in Hell pickles would be the gas that drove said golf carts.

OK, that made no sense. But you know what I mean.

3) If you could travel back in time, what time would you visit?

I would find out the exact day and time that Justin Bieber's parents met, down to the second, and stop that travesty from ever occurring so he would never be born.

No, wait- I would prevent his grandparents from ever crossing paths, just to be safe. 

4) If you could make one book/movie character real, and bring them into your life, who would it be?

This is tougher. There are so many books and movies that I love. Obviously any Ryan Gosling character, but only if he showed up at my door with no pants on.

Do comic books count? Because the apparent answer here would be Superman. I just hope his "faster than a speeding bullet" deal doesn't apply to ALL aspects of life, if you get what I'm sayin.

5) What keeps you awake at night?

My neighbors, having house parties at 1:00am. Really dudes, some of us DO work.

6) You can only watch one TV show for the rest of your lives. Which do you choose?

Game of Thrones. That show has so much badass in it I don't even know where to start.

And finally...

7) Dean Cain and I are going to grant you whatever super power you want. What do you choose?

This is where I again point out the fact that I am already a superhero.

OK, no, but Sara really wants me to talk about the time when we were in NOLA and some crazy-ass psycho bitch totally tried to follow us back to our hotel and I was all, ASPHINCTER SAYS WHAT? and she got scared of me and ran away. I totally saved our lives, yo. What is that bug from my bathroom doing now? That's what I thought.

Also Nicole drew this picture of me like, a year and a half ago:

That's Nicole being awesome in the background.

Nicole lives in Paris now, which is like, twelve hours ahead of me or something. So clearly, she can predict the future and knows what's up.

Seven Not-So-Innocent Victims I'm Tagging:

Jorge @ Every -ist and Every -ism (he named this post, BTW. You're welcome, all)

Jas @ Smile Big and Pretty

Natalie @ Awkward Sex and the City

Allison @ My Quarter-Life Crisis

Rio @ Good Music Bad Math

Penny Lane @ The Chronicles of a College Girl

Booya Bobby @ BooyaBobby

And here are your questions:

1) If you could only listen to one band or artist for the rest of your life, who would it be? (This may sound unoriginal or boring, but all of you probably know that I would give up all of my intact organs for a chance to see Radiohead live, so this question is extremely important to me. I have ended friendships over this.)

2) Who is the most vile celebrity on the planet right now? (No points for Bieber, because that's pretty evident) 

3) What was/is your college major? Would you have picked it again if you had the chance?

4) What's the most unintentionally hilarious movie you saw in the last five years?

5) Pork: Noun or verb?

6) Pick a type of chocolate to eat forever. (I bet you wish I'd tagged you back, don't you Lor?)

7) When was the last time you really had your heart broken? (It doesn't have to be relationship-wise. Like, this JUST happened to me when my brother told me that he'd cleared out his garage and all my stuff, that they'd been keeping in storage, was gone.)

Have fun! And if any of you I didn't tag want to answer these questions in the comments, feel free.

Don't Call It A Comeback

Or, call it what you want. Whatever. I've been gone for like eight months. Let's do this.

This is not an April Fool's Day joke, yo. I know what you're thinking.

I'm not going to be one of those bloggers that's all, "sorry I left," and then offers up a bunch of shit reasons as to why I haven't posted in almost a year. The truth is, you probably don't care, and after a few months weeks hours of checking to see whether or not I've been updating, you realized that I was probably too lazy and moved on to other blogs that more deserving of your time and effort.

Yeah, well, I am sorry. It turns out I do have a soul- or just a Jewish mother who practically took a class in guilt-tripping and was all like, "at least let your adoring public know that you're not dead." I tried to explain that I don't have an adoring public, just a few people who really wanted me to start writing again (one of them, my friend Jorge, is one of the new additions to my blogroll- more on that later. You can blame him and Coyote Tits for being the two who really got my ass in gear. Tits' definition of "loving text messages" are "I don't see a post from you yet, bitch." Disclaimer: we may both have been slightly hammered at the time.

So, right- the vanishing act that I pulled back in August. When I last left That Ain't Kosher I think I had just moved back to LA. I was still sponging off both of my parents, hoping for either a) that sweet unemployment check or b) that my extreme flexibility skills would finally come in handy in the job market ("able to put legs behind head" combined with "ninja napping" would have definitely worked if I took over HR, is all I'm saying). I'd been promised a new job in California but based on the stellar track record I'd experienced I was basically planning on hitting up all the local fast food chains I could think of.

So far, this work situation has been a relatively cush deal- I'm the right hand to the CEO at an indie film production company. When I'm not working from home (which means sleeping in!), I sometimes get to travel to cool places like London, and if I'm there long enough, I'll get to go to all the film festivals next year. I also get to read scripts before they're developed, and I spend a lot of time doing nerdy shit like research and designing spreadsheets, which is pretty much my sexual chocolate.

Someone please buy me a shirt that says this. I'll be yours forever. KTHNX. <3

Bonus: I never have to deal with actors, producers, directors and anyone else that would probably act like a complete asshole. My boss basically relies on me for everything, though, even things that he could do in two seconds, and never gives me any follow-up, so I'm pretty much ready to start looking for something else. We'll see how shit goes down.

Speaking of working from home, I'm finally back in my own place! My girls in the Nip Clique have been fostering my illegal obsession decorating skillz by sending me robot accessories and Gosling pictures, so keep coming back for news on that front.

Haha. "Coming."

Oh haaaai, future alimony check.

I don't think it's really necessary to get into the mind-blowingly miserable deal that is my social life. While again, I have the Nip Clique to keep me from going completely insane, there are only like two people here that bring my tolerance level up to eleven, and neither of them are of the penis variety. I spent the Fall and Winter taking leisurely escapes from LA and managed to hit Chicago with Lily (twice!), Missouri with Shelly and Nicole, and FINALLY got in that weekend in NOLA with Sara, where she got me loaded for my birthday. Yvonne, that freeloading bitch, came on all the trips with us and then ran away with all our cash and liquor. We have no idea where she is right now- last I heard she was on her way to Boston to steal a bunch of shit from Ginny. My next planned vacation is for the last two weekends in May when I embark on the Nugs East Coast Tour. If any of you are around, hit me up! We should totally hang.

Oh yeah, my birthday- so that happened. I have nine months left of my second decade. I'm turning thirty in January.

FUCK ME.

Anyway, I haven't been totally away from the blogging community. I've still been pretty active on 20sb, and I've even tricked some of you into thinking I deserved a Bootleg Award (technically, I wasn't a Last Chance Blogger yet, so I can take it again this year! I'm starting my campaign now. I have cookies). I'm also still 1/5 of the Snark Squad- we also won a Bootleg for Best Group Blog, which was truly awesome. You guys are the best.

So I'm back. I can't promise anything life-changing or even eloquently witty, because I am definitely not yet back in the game. I can, however, give you an updated TAK, like changes to the blogroll and a new layout (soon! I promise), SMAC and quite possibly Aural Sex, epic guest posters and the eventual return of my acerbic humor and inappropriate commentary. I promise I will never, ever leave all of you for this long again.

Transform and roll out.

SMAC: The Shellator Edition

A lot of you may be wondering what happened to this month’s edition of SMAC (I say “may” because we all know that really isn’t the case. Please just validate me).

The reason you didn’t see anything hilarious or painful on the 2^nd of this month is because we’ve all been busy concocting a mad scheme to humiliate celebrate everyone’s favorite Nip Cliquer (there was a poll), Shelly from Starting Over.

Her birthday is today, and in the grand Nip Tradition of forcing all of us to come to terms with the aging process, we decided to change the name of the anagram from Shitty Movie Awareness Club to Shelly Movie Awareness Club. You’re welcome, Shells. <3<3<3

For the last couple of months, there have been emails, spreadsheets (of course), smoke signals and carrier pigeons in order to get this party started. So not only did we manage to pull this off in time for The Shellator’s actual birthday, I’m totally impressed that we did this completely behind her back. And Shells, if you did actually figure this out, please just let us have this.

Not like I would have an issue with anyone I got paired up with, but I’m stoked to be posting for Rio. I also convinced Risha to add in some commentary, so it’s kind of like the best threesome in the history of blogging. If you feel like skipping the rest of this intro, you can scroll down and read Ginny’s review of Short Circuit, whenever she gets it to me. BTW, the entire Nip Clique have been campaigning for months to get Gin voted Featured Blogger, and it finally worked. Mob mentality FTW!

Anyway, you can see the list of bloggers who worship The Shellator below, along with their choices of Shelly-based movies. We’re all waiting for her to pretend to be pissed off, but then be like, “Oh dear!” and be super embarrassed but also secretly laugh.

We love you, Shells- we hope this is your best birthday ever! And uh, please vlog your face when you read this post.

This Month’s SHELLY MOVIE AWARENESS CLUB Swap List:

GINNY with Short Circuit

NUGS and RISHA with Beauty and the Beast

RIO with Scooby Doo

LILY with Alice In Wonderland

COYOTE ROSE with 2009’s Star Trek

MANDY MOORE with Now & Then

TABS with Star Wars

LORRAINE, NICOLE SWEENEY and SARA NIPPLES with Susie Q

HARLEY with The Aristocats

And now- Ginny brings it.

This month for the shitty movie review ring we're mixing it up. First of

all it's Shelly birthday! Happy birthday Shelly! Second of all we picked movies to review that remind us of Shelly. Lastly, this is not a shitty movie and if you tell me you don't like this movie I'm going to think there is something wrong with you.

Editor’s note: I TOTALLY agree. This movie is awesome.

When I think of Shelly I think of cats and animals. If a live robot came to Shelly's house I have no doubt she would take it it in and have a little robot pet. That's not a very good hint to the movie I'm reviewing so I'll just tell you. In honor of Shelly I'm reviewing Short Circuit. Johnny Five is the original Wall-E!

In case you haven't seen this classic 80s movie this is what you need to know. There's a robot (number 5) that gets struck by lightning and becomes alive. He escapes from Nova and Nova wants their pricey robot back. Steve Guttenburg along with some random indian dude that has the best lines in the whole movie try to get the robot back since they created the robot and their boss is pissed.

Now Ally Sheedy takes in Number Five because her character Stephanie takes in every animal under the sun! She's got cats, skunks, dogs, bunnies, geese, kittens, and now a robot who she thinks is an alien. Yeah because my first impression when I see a robot is that it must be an alien. Stephanie is the reason why this movie reminds me of Shelly. How many cats can I have? Not enough. At least this is what I imagine Ally Sheedy says in this movie because this woman has a zoo in her house.

Now the Indian engineer sneaks in these lines that have me dying laughing.

"I am thinking she is a virgin, or at least she used to be."

"With excitement like this who is needing enemas?"

Driver: "He can't shoot us with that lazer can he?"

Ben: "I am not knowing!"

Driver: "Would he kill me if I stop?"

Ben: "Who is to say?"

Driver: "Will he kill me if I don't stop?"

Ben: "Again I am shrugging!"

At the end of this movie Steve Guttenberg invites Alley Sheedy to live him on some huge amount of land his family has in another state. She hesitates for five seconds and then asks him how he feels about animals. That's right Guttenberg, Ally Sheedy is taking all her animals with her and you can't stop her!  Shelly should be cast in the remake.

I'll Probably Die Alone. NBD.

My attention span blows today, so while I was supposed to be creating documents for work, I decided to screw around on the Internetz. There's this one website I always go to, Pajiba.com, because it's an excellent source of pop culture headlines, shirtless Ryan Gosling pics and general snarkiness.

 Actually, I should probably watch my surfing in case I get fired. Oh haaaai Employee of the Month.

Anyway, I'm constantly on Pajiba because they post a whole bunch of shit that's either current (movie/TV news), thought-provoking (promising actors that have since lost their relevancy) or include more sarcasm and witty commentary than an early episode of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.



But sometimes, there's paranoia-inducing, mind-blowing shit like the crap you see here.

The worst offender is Dustin, who's always writing about shit I definitely should not be subjecting my inner child to on a daily basis. I should have learned my lesson back in November when I clicked on a link for a commercial that he had dubbed awkward enough to cause arousal, yet also fear. I was so consumed with similar conflicting emotions that I decided to write a post on this anomaly and share it with the world. Um, you're welcome?

Last night, he posted this, which I made the mistake of clicking on right before bed:

http://www.pajiba.com/seriously_random_lists/its-midnight-on-the-east-coast-here-are-10-serene-cinematic-images-to-help-you-sleep-peacefully-tonight-.php

Do not be misled by the angelic title. This will fuck you up.

You'd think that would be enough to convince me to stay away, but I am an idiot. Dustin's newest article was seemingly a progress report on the post-Harry Potter career of actor Daniel Radcliffe, so I figured there was nothing that could possibly cause me to lose any sleep or to send me to any kind of soundproof, padded room. Well, guess again. Instead it contained a trailer for his new movie:




A few weeks ago I made a promise to a few of my friends that I would finally check out the Harry Potter franchise, seeing as how I had never read any of the books or seen any of the films.

Yeah, no. That's not happening.

Dolls are terrifying. Look at their faces. They're waiting for me to die so they can steal my soul and that's how people go to Hell. Unless of course the clapping monkeys kill you first. That's how they roll, yo. None of this "inanimate object" BS. Don't be fooled.

I can't be the only one who is probably going to be really fucked up by this trailer. Who writes shit like this? Who walks around thinking this is OK? What the- no. Just no.

I hate you so much.

Do You Hear What I Hear? (Probably Not)

Today marks an incredibly important day in the history of ever:

It's SHARK WEEK 2011!

I am super excited- one might perhaps even say I am... shark-cited?

For those of you who don't know about my unnatural obsession curious fascination with sharks (i.e. missed the post I wrote last year commanding you all to watch the Discovery Channel), let me defend myself by reminding you that Dude! It's SHARKS. They probably know they're awesome and jump around all, "yeah, I'm a shark. What's up motherfucker? Time to get eaten."

AHAHAHAHA!

Also in 2006 there was an episode that aired called 10 Deadliest Sharks where the mako shark was "teased and baited with chum."

That sounds sexy.

My birthday is in 6 months. Just putting that out there.

Anyway, I prepare for Shark Week! every year. I announce its arrival to everyone who I'm 95% sure won't have me committed, sometimes even weeks in advance, whether it be through phone calls, emails, or bouncing around excitedly like a retarded chihuahua on speed. I mark the impending date on all three of my calendars. I hit up the local supermarket for shark-related snacks. I even have a drinking game prepared, courtesy of tv.com, which is extra-frightening considering I'll be watching most of the shows by myself (thanks a lot, assholes). I also invented a new activity, where the word "shark" is incorporated into everyone's every day lexicon, a la the Smurfs, only less eye-gougingly irritating. For example:

"What the shark?"

"Shark, yeah!"

"That's shark-tastic!"

"Please pass the shark."

This year Shark Week! is hosted by SNL's Andy Samberg (of "Dick In A Box" and "I Just Had Sex" fame). He's usually pretty funny so I definitely approve of this pairing. The new line-up for 2011 promises to be just as shark-sational as last year, and I've provided a schedule for you guys so you know when exactly to call out sick to work. 

Some of the highlights include:

ROGUE SHARKS- premiering Monday, August 1st, 9pm

Basically this is Jaws, but on TV and with multiple attacks by multiple sharks. I can't wait to see a bunch of douchebags in swimming trunks get eaten. This is gonna be sweet.

KILLER SHARKS- premiering Tuesday, August 2nd, 9pm

Keeping with the theme of "sharks rule," this documentary focuses on unsuspecting travelers in the 50's that are all, "lala, we'll go on vacation and ignore the fact that there are SHARKS IN THE WATER." Dumbasses.

SHARK CITY- premiering Thursday, August 4th, 9pm

With what is decidedly the coolest name for a show ever, this portion of Shark Week! focuses on a handful of our subjects as individuals as they hunt, eat and size each other up. Look for the special interview where the head shark is like, "yeah, I've been a shark for about four years now. My hobbies include swimming around, chilling with my wife and baby sharks and chewing on peoples' legs. My favorite band is Radiohead."

Personally, I would also like to see a guest appearance by Sharktopus, but one can only dream.

Old episodes of Shark Week! are going on right now so the fact that your TV isn't on is inherently disturbing. I myself am parked in front of the Discovery Channel with my Shark Bites, pausing only to alert you all by writing this post. 

Breakfast of Champions

If you do decide to partake in the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, let me know how it goes, and what your favorite experience (or six) was. 

See you all in a week.

Oh, Canada: A Rebuttal (Emphasis On BUTT)

Last week I wrote a post about my failed hookup with a slab of Canadian Bacon. I honestly didn't think my story-telling skills were that terrible, but they were obviously bad enough to turn off three of my followers. I have no idea why they chose to quit reading That Ain't Kosher, and at first I figured that they were disgusted by my PG-13 re-telling of my non-existent sex life.  Seriously, though, that's pretty pathetic, seeing as how my details weren't even that graphic. A couple of my friends read it, including those of the hardcore Christian variety, and their response was to laugh their ass off and tell me I was "full of win," so whatever.

So I have determined that those few pansy-asses jumped ship due to my denouncing of the Canadian persuasion. Really, guys? Considering you're solely responsible for unleashing the Satanic horde that is Bieber Fever onto this Earth, I'd say I went pretty light on your asses. That's reason enough alone to to detach your entire country from this continent. I mean, before, Canada was one of those places everyone wondered about but never went to, like Narnia, with big closets and a secret language and a talking fucking magical lion. Now you're famous for Bieber, so, uh, congratulations.

Look at the devil eyes. I fucking knew it!

At any rate, the fact that I lost three followers is mildly unsettling- as much as I like to talk shit about the border, I will admit that it has its redeeming qualities as well. So here is my attempt to call off the maple leaf-wielding masses with my official list of Canadian Things That Don't Suck, Kind Of.

1) MY BEST BLOGGITY FRIENDS

Believe it or not (probably not), three of the most awesome people I've ever met are all located in Ontario. Two of my favorite bloggers, Tabs and Allison, both call the province home, and, in an honorable mention, Amber Lee of AmberPeace, has 51 COUSINS in the city of Windsor.

Not only do I have some amazing girlfriends I can crash with (uh, did I not mention my special invites? OH HAAAAI), but my oldest friend, who's put up with me since we were both in high school, coincidentally also lives in Windsor. This guy has been with me all through my adult life, and now that he's pushing thirty (AHAHAHAHA) I'm planning a Toronto vacation next year for the big birthday. We're like brother and sister- you guys can blame him for my football obsession, and I definitely wouldn't have passed high school chem if it weren't for his "tutoring" (or the fact that I emailed him all my assignments- I am still anonymous, right?). He's in med school now, which I can't even believe when I think that I met him when I wasn't even legal driving age. He knows who he is, so I'll just say thanks.

B) HOCKEY

I went to my first NHL game when I was probably around eight years old, and I've been hooked ever since. Hockey players are hands down the toughest athletes in pro sports- you try getting back up when your throat's been slashed by a skate blade and moving around the rink with masses of pounds of padding strapped onto your body. For those of you that haven't put it together yet, I'm an obsessive Rangers fan, which means that while I don't have any active extreme rivalry with any of the Canadian teams, Montreal is fucking awesome and they share our conference, so they're fun to root against.

When I first went to hockey games with my brothers, who are hardcore hockey fans, the players were rougher and the fights were way more frequent and totally Jerry Springer-esque. I remember seeing two players smash each other up against the glass right in front of me at a Kings game (I saw Wayne Gretzky play live, FYI). Now the violence is toned down somewhat but the action is just as intense. I seriously recommend going to at least one NHL game in your lifetime- even if your home team blows (what up, Isles?).

PYGMY MARMOSET) WILLIAM SHATNER

The Shat is one of the coolest celebrities EVER. Even if you don't think that Star Trek could actually happen (and um, I so don't), you have to admit that his Priceline ads are hilarious. William Shatner is not only awesome because he's synonymous with Captain Kirk, but he also isn't afraid to make fun of himself- he voiced a version of himself on Family Guy and was in the forgettable misfire $#*! My Dad Says. I actually saw about ten minutes of one episode, and WOW.

He's also a Jew, so all is forgiven. Shatner rules.

DD) RYAN REYNOLDS

Ryan Reynolds is shirtless in every single movie, probably because most of his movies suck. That's OK, though: just look at him.

You could bounce coins off of that shit. There's a reason the Canadian police have the word "mount" in their title.

AND FINALLY:

RYAN GOSLING.

I still refuse to see The Notebook, because it looks sappy and retarded, but Good Lord. I'm a Toys R Us kid.

And if that's not enough for you (although why wouldn't it be):

Steve Carrell better move his goddamn head.

Now I'm not saying that if I am ever alone with him in a room there definitely will be assault charges. I'm just saying that there definitely will be assault charges.

So I guess Canada can be pretty cool. I also hear Toronto is really nice, and hopefully I'll be there in February for my friend's thirtieth blowout. Just a heads up, Ryan Gosling, so you can escape while you have the chance.