YOU SNEAKY BITCHES

So there have been some changes around here.

The first thing you've all probably noticed is the new layout. My ADD kicked in and I got bored with the old look, so I decided to switch it up. The brilliant new tagline is a direct quote from Coyote Rose, and the new epic header was designed by Lor, who wouldn't let me near a Photoshop program by myself because I have no fucking clue what I'm doing.

I FINALLY have a webcam! I know, hello, 21st century; I'm only 11 years late. I got one of those Flip things about a week ago and almost threw it against a wall trying to open that front piece where you put the battery in. I called Bad Monkey, who besides being really, really hot is a total tech genius, and not only did she set up my Flip cam, but then showed me the built-in webcam that comes with every single Macbook. Free.

I fail at life.

Less noticeably, there's been a substantial change to my blogroll. Recently there was a thread posted on 20sb entitled "Ha! Skinny People Are Unsuccessful." The contributor was someone who always posts threads she believes are "controversial," when in fact, the topics just make her look like an uninformed idiot and are really just an attempt to gain followers.

The "Ha!" at the beginning was what really pissed me off. Look, I can't help being really fucking small. Those of you that have seen me eat know that I love me some food. (According to some of you that have "tried" some of the meals on my plate, I have the tendency to "fork-jab." Liars.) I'm far from the underachiever described in the posts, and I don't appreciate some bitter asshole making fun of me because she forgot to go the gym today- or all year. She also argued that as bloggers, we aren't responsible for our words, which is just a ludicrous claim. They may be just words, with no physical presence, but they DO have an impact, and they can be hurtful. Check out this winning smackdown:

"You ARE responsible for your words, standing up for them (hopefully, in a rational manner), explaining them, retracting them or simply ignoring your critics. Don't hide behind "I'm not socially correct! I'm a free thinker! I don't need to be responsible for what I say!"'


Nice job.

A shitload of my other friends at 20sb also weighed in to essentially call this girl a moron. My favorite quote came from Tsa at The Tsaritsa Sez:

"If I posted a thread with the title "Fat People are Unsuccessful, haha" I would expect to have my head bitten off by other 20SBers. I hope you get yours ripped off. What a pointless and mean thread."


I love you, Tsa. You are the wind beneath my wings (why the hell do I know the lyrics to that song? Shame).

The worst part is that not only have I hosted this retard on my blog before, but I was one of her followers and featured her on my blogroll. No more. She's been deleted. I refuse to give you guys her name because that would be letting her have all the publicity that she was gunning for, but I linked to the thread above, so you'll probably see it anyway.

To replace the one I took away, I've added one of my friends' links: Ms. Medium.

I've mentioned Ms. Medium before- I met her through Ginntastic a couple of years ago, and she's been blogging for a few months. The reason she's so amazing is because she writes even though she's had dyslexia since she was a kid, and she's uneasy about how her grammatical skills will be received. If you have a problem with that, go fuck yourself. I'm really proud of her for overcoming her disability and blogging for the general public. In fact, I may even ask her to do a guest post for me.

In other, less stabby news, the 20sb Annual Bootleg Award Finalists were announced this week. The nominations are pretty brutal- a lot of my friends are up against each other in most of the categories. I basically just covered my eyes and started clicking. Honestly, I couldn't even tell you who I voted for. I will say, however, that my campaign to pimp out Coyote for Sexiest Blogger is well on its way to becoming a reality.

I also noticed that in the "Most NSFW" category, enough of you made sure to throw my name in there, and I'm officially one of the finalists. I know I'm not going to win, because the other bloggers on the ballot are much filthier than I am, but it's nice to know that you all really do relish in my dirty mouth and fluent Brooklynese.

Because I have access to this new Flip, a bunch of you have gotten super excited because you assume this means I can finally do the Karaoke Ring of Death. Apparently Nips and Coyote are already planning my epic foray into the MP3 world of singing and dancing, and I've been clued in to the fact that I don't have a choice and can't back out. I guess I'll be subjecting you all to my angelic set of pipes and glassy redeye next month. Try to keep calm and you know, not jerk it too hard.

I totally hate you guys. You sneaky bitches.

Oh, PS- all of you NEED to be watching Archer. It's absolutely fucking hysterical. If you've never seen it, here's a link to the greatest clips from the show. The season premiere already aired, but FX replays all their shows 900 times.

PERSONAL FOUL

First of all, I don't want to hear any shit about how my football season is now over and how the Jets are an epic fail. We got further than you did, Pats fans, and we knocked you out anyway, so fuck off.

I spent NFL Championship Day with Bad Monkey and a bunch of her co-workers, bar hopping for 10 hours straight and hosting our own Sad Celebration in Hermosa Beach. All of the rest of my friends were rooting for the Bears, so at least I wasn't totally alone on my ledge, in theory.

Bad Monkey is the only acceptable companion I've found in SoCal. She's the only female within a hundred mile radius that didn't drop off the planet because of a sugar daddy boyfriend or care too much about how her fucking ankles look in Prada (read: phenomenal. She's 5'11, blond, thin and I HATE YOU).

Bad Monkey waitresses in Hermosa Beach, so I went to visit her at work and watch the Championship games. I had just dyed my hair the day before (oh yeah- I'm kind of a redhead now. You'll see it when I finally record my vlog, which I will do now that I bought a Flip), so I hadn't showered that morning. I was also coming off three hours of sleep, hadn't bothered with makeup and was wearing a football jersey. I had almost been vain enough to shave my legs, but since I would be wearing long pants, it was Winter Leg FTW. In short, I was a hot mess, minus the hot.

Almost immediately upon arrival I was assaulted by some  Moronasaurus who thought that by agreeing to speak to him, I was already freezing my eggs in order to create a 50% perfect hatchling (half-perfect because hello- it's my kid, yo).

I couldn't transform into full-on bitch mode because this was, after all, my friend's place of business, so I tried subtlety. I attempted to squirm out of his grasp a few times, but he was too stupid to figure out that I wasn't feeling it. He kept trying to rub me and give me massages and shit, and then he (HELL, NO!) drank from my straw. I wanted to whittle the top into a point and stab him in the throat. I thought that tossing said straw into the trash might make him go away, but then the Bears scored a touchdown and he got extra handsy. He also told me, unsolicited, how tall he was, consummated with the declaration, "I'm a man." I just laughed and advised him that generally, "men" don't sip daintily from a straw.

When he tried to follow me into the line for the bathroom, that was finally it. I went into the back to find Bad Monkey and let her know that if this asshole tried to kiss my forehead again I would rip off his balls and fashion them into a stylish coin purse. In between fits of laughter, she and her manager accosted some regular customers to be my bodyguards. This was going well until one of them started rubbing my back and calling me "babe." Even when Bad Monkey clocked out and met up with me, all of my future alimony checks decided to invite themselves along. Come on, man, what the fuck? I just want to scream obscenities about my sorry-ass losing team without having to worry about a marriage proposal.

His hanger-ons were also pretty annoying- at one point Bad Monkey and I were engaged in an intensely aggressive air hockey battle and the two dillholes kept trying to throw me off by knocking on the window. You've probably figured out by now that the fastest way to piss me off is to break my concentration, especially during a competitive event, so if any of these guys had a glimmer of a shot of seeing me naked (they did not), they basically blew it in those two minutes.

Despite having to fend off aging frat boys, the rest of the night was pretty awesome. Bad Monkey's co-workers are all just like my friends back home, and I fit into their group within five minutes. It was one of those nights where you wake up with bruises on your arms, beer in your hair, dirt between your toes and NO recollection of how anything got there, but you know you want to repeat it next weekend. No one was threatened by the fact that I'm a walking Wikipedia page of football trivia, although that could have been due to the fact that the drinking had started around lunchtime. The only major party foul? I'd forgotten my camera. OF COURSE. The only genuinely amazing night I've had in LA thus far and I have absolutely no documentation. I fail at life.

Fortunately, I hang with Bad Monkey pretty frequently, so these characters will more than likely make a few repeat appearances. Despite the Jets' depressing loss and some uninvited grabbiness, I managed to make some killer new acquaintances and discover exactly how much alcohol 10 people could pack away in a day (hint: A LOT). And as for the AFC Championships, well there's always next year- to fuck up again.

TEXAS T! (BUT SADLY, NO A)

Yeah, this post is a little late. Or a lot late. I was actually going to skip the New Year's recap altogether but under threat of searing, fiery pain (or loss of followers), I have to throw something up so you all feel like you were there with me. (Except you, Lor. Trees totally count.)

After my road-trip plans got quashed I made a frantic call to Riot in Dallas. I found a last-minute flight that wouldn't leave my bank account hemorraging pennies and was on my way to the birthplace of mechanical bulls within 48 hours.

The first place I went to was a "restaurant" called the Tap-In. I liked this place immediately because from far away it looked like "Tap That," AND they had Texas-style karaoke where some dude jumped around like an angry gorilla on meth.

I was also treated to the usual Dallas sight-seeing, which was largely uneventful except for when I managed to bedazzle security at Cowboys Stadium with my beauty and charm and sneak onto the field (read: they were distracted by DD Munchkins which are not at all delicious and I definitely do not follow on Twitter). Whatever. I still got to stand on the 50-yard line, which was totally awesome and one of the highlights of my life.

Would you guys believe me if I said I was at the Cotton Bowl? No? OK then.

Please. Only unbalanced mental patients go into the locker rooms.

I also got to run around Rangers Ballpark, but it was closed so I didn't make too much of an ass out of myself. I hope.

Of course, the most memorable portion of my Dallas excursion may have been when Riot and I found the 24-hour Walmart. I got super excited about the toy section. I mean we. We got super excited.

BTW, this is a doll that I found in Walmart. Note where the "Try Me" hole is located:

That's just fucked up. Not cool, Walmart. Not cool.

To infiltrate 2011, we decided to make the 5-hour drive to Austin armed with 4,000 calorie snacks, two sets of tunes from both of our iPods and Riot's baby, a 14-year-old, 4-pound shivery little diva named Chloe.

Whoever coined the phrase "getting there is half the fun" is a fucking genius, because between stopping for souvenirs, eating at a local (and creepy) Sonic and going through two sets of camera batteries, I don't think I even wanted to get to the hotel. There are some really hilarious pictures of us, including one of me wearing a cowboy hat, that will never make it onto this blog but you can see it on my FB page in all its humiliating glory.

BTW, I forget what hotel we stayed at (I think it was a Radisson or Westin or some shit), but Riot will probably leave a comment reminding me what the name of the hotel was. I'm pretty sure I'm way off. Anyway, we were supposed to get a suite, but we walked in to some kind of Carrie Underwear sing-along shitstorm-crap room with a living area and a fridge. In what kind of Lost-tastic alternate universe is this a suite?

I shelled out for this...

...not this bullshit.

OK, maybe that's an exaggeration, but you get what I mean.

I also made Riot drive me to the local comic book store (of course) where I spent almost half an hour gazing at Superman action figures and Buffy magazines. I knew I should probably get the hell out of there when I got into a lengthy discussion with the guy behind the counter about the upcoming Game of Thrones TV series.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZ5p18wIQEI&fs=1&hl=en_US]

I also managed to narrowly escape being kidnapped by a total freak of nature, who you guys will definitely be hearing about in a later post. Believe me when I tell you that this guy brings new meaning to the term "Holy Shit."

Our first twelve hours in Austin were spent at Elysium's lame-ass "80's night," where Riot and I made fun of the patrons who obviously did not know how to party like it was 1985. I did get hit on by one clueless loser, but after he made us buy our own drinks, we decided to totally fuck with him and scare him off by letting our true, utterly fantastic personalities break out in full force. Mission accomplished.

Riot has some friends in the area so the next night, they escorted us over to 6th Street, which is where all the live music venues are. I managed to take in a few of them, but there was one that really cemented itself as an epic win. For those of you in relationships, you know that exact moment when you realize that you want to poke holes in the condoms forever because this is it, and you're TOTALLY in love and nothing will ever change because you've found the one?

That's what happened to me at Emo's.

Emo's is a dirty rock bar that's kind of disgusting and is open every night until 2am. They sell cigarettes and serve all their booze in plastic cups, and their bartenders wear t-shirts that advertise Misfits and Suicidal Tendencies. There are two bars- one inside and one outside- and both of them featured loud, obnoxious punk acts. The guys wear more leather and eye-liner than the girls. I was instantly enthralled and I never wanted to leave.

However, there had to be a last call, so my friends pried the last of my drink from my grasp and pulled me into the car. It's safe to say that I partied hard, and that there will be a next time.

So there's my New Year's post. I know that everyone else isn't a complete slacker and got theirs up like, two days after, but I've been really unmotivated and lazy lately. I'm sorry. Please don't leave me. I promise I'll be good.

OK, even I didn't believe that.

And hey, you guys, if you want to sign up for next month's movie review blogring (props to Christina for pimping this out like a fiend), you have until Thursday to email me at thataintkosher83@gmail.com. The list is already bigger than last time, and we're doing shitty rom-coms this month in honor of Valentine's Day. So quit being an asshole, and sign up. NOW.

AURAL SEX- BIRTHDAY! EDITION

This edition of Aural Sex is close to my  loins heart because a) it's the first music post of the new decade and b) my birthday is tomorrow! Let's just say I'll be 21...again...a few times over. No, just kidding. I'm really fucking old.

To celebrate the centennial of my birth, my brother flew in to keep me company and steal some of my cake. He actually came in from a trip to Vegas, and apparently had an awesome time since he kept forwarding me pictures of his weekend of debauchery. I totally would not have been surprised if he had shown up with a contract to direct porn. He's stealth like that.

The only good thing about being trapped on the Worst Coast for my birthday is that there are some relatively decent places to hang out, and they're all music venues. Since I'll be stuck out West, I figure that I can at least engage in an enjoyable activity. Since I'll be venue hopping all week, I'm devoting this month's Aural Sex to clubs all over the US that guarantee the most gratifying nights out- the ones that showcase the most talented (or at the very least, entertaining) artists, draw the most diversified and intriguing crowds, feature the best food and drink combinations, etc.

Rock On!

ATLANTA, GA


THE DRUNKEN UNICORN

I discovered this place when I was stuck in Atlanta due to a layover on the way to Florida. The "Hotlanta" music scene is generally known for hip-hop and rap, so I was a little hesitant to actively seek out a live show, but there were so many Braves fans at the Hartsfield-Jackson airport that I was ready to flip the fuck out. I had to get out of there.

I don't remember the name of the band that was playing, but the bar itself is a hole-in-the wall shithouse that's perfect for the indie acts it supports. There's no sign for the club, and they don't have a phone. I only found The DU because I got pizza right next door. The venue is like a little intimate garage that fills up really fast. The crowd is supportive and the artists are great. The DU is also very friendly to tours- this week alone they're hosting acts from Knoxville, TN and Boston, MA.

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Friday, January 14th. There's a band called 1880's Dance Party and another that defines themselves as "orchestral electronic." I'm intrigued.

AUSTIN, TX


This is straight-up one of the most amazing cities in the country, and probably the world, for live music. Not only does it host South by Southwest every year, but venues are packed until closing every night of the week, and there's something for fans of every single genre. Expect more on my Austin jaunt in a future post, but for now, I'll just give you the groundwork:

EMO'S

I fell in love with this place. If it were possible to marry and impregnate a building, I'd totally already be on that. I went on a Monday night and it was so full in there I could barely move. Then I ventured outside to the second stage and it was just as crowded.

Despite the name, Emo's is Austin's resident hardcore rock venue- when I went it happened to be a night featuring all punk, and the bartenders were dressed for the part. The drinks were in plastic cups and they were cheap, and there was an actual cigarette machine INSIDE THE BAR!

The best part about Austin's music scene is that there is no dress code- everyone was in leather, ripped jeans, sneakers and anything else that would give your relatives a heart attack if you wore it to your cousin's wedding. Don't get any ideas. The bands played until the 2am close, and even though I had to get up at 5:30am to catch my flight, I totally lost track of time and didn't even realize how late it was. Emo's is probably one of the most unpretentious venues I've ever been to. The next time I'm in Austin (and there WILL be a next time), I'm definitely going back.

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Friday, January 14th. It's the Girl Talk Official After Party with Javelin.

HOLE IN THE WALL

Not just a clever name. Hole In The Wall is an alt-rock/country bar with food until midnight and free music during the week. They close at 3, so it's a great after-party stop once you're winding down after your 57th beer at Emo's.

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Saturday, January 15th. Three killer bands are playing and the cover is only 5 big ones.

BOSTON, MA


There are so many stellar rock venues in the Boston area that I don't even know where to start. The only drawback with most of these places is that since Boston has about 1,000 colleges and universities, the crowd is super young. However, it could be really fun to watch 19-year-olds get their ID's taken away, then stumble around looking for another place to drunkenly grope each other.

Here's a list of my favorite venues in the Boston area. Keep in mind I don't remember much about actually being there.

GREAT SCOTT

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Thursday, January 13th. Bear Hands is playing!

LIZARD LOUNGE

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Wednesday, January 12th. Because it's my birthday, and I need to live vicariously through you guys.

THE MIDDLE EAST 

There are four separate rooms, each with their own calendar. It's impossible to get bored here, unless you're a whiny bitch.


MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Sunday, January 16th. Cracker performs. CRACKER. I'll let that sink in as I go play the entire "Kerosene Hat" album on my iPod.

O'BRIEN'S PUB

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Get over there tonight. There's a band called Zip-Tie Handcuffs (Best. Name. Ever.)  performing their rendition of Green Day's Dookie.

PARADISE ROCK CLUB

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Just go to the website and pick a day to come in this week- every show they have sounds epic.

TOAD

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Sunday, January 16th. If you have a vinyl collection, show up at 3pm and share your records with the other rockoholics.

TT THE BEAR'S

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Pick any day this week- you'll get a good dose of underdiscovered rock.

THE SQUEALING PIG 

The best thing about The Squealing Pig is that their rock bands perform on Saturdays, so touring artists really have a shot here. PS- it's free!


MAKE AN APPEARANCE: They don't have their calendar up, so just go there, hang out and listen to whoever's on stage.

TOMMY DOYLE'S

All their drink specials are named after classic rock singles. I recommend the Pretty Vacant.


MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Thursday, January 13th. It's their 5-year Anniversary Party. Try to ignore all the college students running around. (Remember, that was you once!)

*Special thanks to Ginntastic for providing me with even more knowledge- and hydration- about the Boston music scene. I guess it pays to have "Gin" in your name.

CHICAGO, IL


THE EMPTY BOTTLE

The Empty Bottle has an adorable picture of a puppy at the top of its home page, but that's not why I chose to feature this place. OK, that's not the only reason. This is a fantastic venue that regularly showcases criminally under-appreciated artists of every genre. If you're a fan of jazz, you can also check out their Festival of Jazz and Improvised Music every spring.

The Empty Bottle has a cafe that stays open relatively late and offers a diverse menu that I would normally stay away from because the food is pretty healthy, but they do have mac and cheese, which guarantees that I'll be eating there. Obesity FTW!

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Saturday, January 15th. My friends in Color Radio play their first show of the new decade, and maybe if you mention how much you worship my blog, they may drop one of the tracks from their upcoming LP.

LOS ANGELES, CA


I begrudgingly include LA in here because it IS one of the music capitals of the world. There are some OK places to get your band booked, so I guess I have to throw it in. Most of the shows here are pretty expensive though- a lot of them fall into the $12-$15 range.


THE VIPER ROOM

The Viper Room isn't just the place that used to be partially owned by Johnny Depp and where River Phoenix OD'd back in the 80's. It's still one of the country's premier rock clubs. The interior is almost all black and the drinks are strong, which lends to the ambience.


Bonus for dudes: The cocktail waitresses are all dressed pretty skanky, so there's that, if you go for that kind of thing.


MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Wednesday, January 12th. I'll probably be there at some point. I have a couple of friends that work there, and they'll give me the lowdown.


THE TROUBADOUR

The Troub is my favorite of all the music venues in the LA area. They book the most talented artists, have the best tasting food, and no one there will give you crabs just from looking at them. I don't think. The seating is comfortable, too, so you're not shifting ass cheeks every five minutes.


MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Sunday, January 16th. Two of my favorite local bands, The Ruby Friedman Orchestra and Eastern Conference Champions, are performing for free. Together. Happy birthday to me!


(Thanks to Ruby for being my unpaid publicist, BTW. Do you accept payment in cookies? Or unicorns?)


NASHVILLE, TN


THE EXIT/IN

The Exit/In is awesome. If you just look at their events calendar, the names of the bands they book make it worth the trip, even if said bands are actually terrible (I like "Sore Eyes"). The Exit/In is so beloved by people in Nashville that when it was forced to close due to the recession, it was immediately repurchased by a new owner. The club has been around for 40 years and is still the premier rock club of Nashville.


MAKE AN APPEARANCE: There are a bunch of great shows to check out this week. I would say the best one is on Saturday, January 15th, when The Walkmen take the stage.


NEW ORLEANS, LA


Writing about NOLA makes me sad because I keep promising Nips that I'll come hang out with her and I haven't done it yet. I'm sorry, Nips. I swear I'm not a bitch. I hope you'll give me my pants back now (or not).


Anyway, I've never been there, so this comes recommended by four out of five doctors. And by doctors, I mean friends who went to NOLA years ago and got so hammered I'm shocked they could even tell me the name of this place.


THE HOWLIN' WOLF

Apparently, my friends went to New Orleans and got wasted looking for a bar that played really good rock music, and this was it. It also has a $5 dollar comedy night on Thursdays.


MAKE AN APPEARANCE: For the Comedy Gumbeaux on Thursday, January 13th. If you happen to see a really tall, blond guy wearing an Orioles hat and making an ass of himself (although I think the two are probably mutually exclusive), that's my friend Dan. He's probably into his fifth beer. Be sure to trip him, then laugh.


NEW YORK CITY, NY


At this point in my life I've probably been to every single music venue in New York City. I won't bore you by declaring my adoration for NYC again, and I honestly can't pick a favorite, so I'll just list the ones I love best here.


ARLENE'S GROCERY

Ask for Alex at the door. He knows what's going down. I should also let you know that the venue is also only a couple of blocks away from Rosario's, the second-best pizza place in NYC, and it's right near Katz's Deli, home of the most delicious kugel known to man.


MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Monday, January 17th. Every Monday, Arlene's Grocery has free admission AND Rock and Roll Karaoke.


THE BOWERY BALLROOM

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Sunday, January 16th. It's the only night that's not sold out- that's how cool this place is.


THE BOWERY ELECTRIC

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Wednesday, January 12th, when the venue spotlights up-and-coming singer/songwriters in their Light of Day showcase. It starts at 6:30pm, so there's plenty of time to catch some other shit afterwards, too.


BROOKLYN BOWL 

Live music, bowling AND fried chicken? Is that even legal? PS- check out their dessert menu.


MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Um, you did hear me say fried chicken, right? There are a lot of awesome shows this week, but the best (and cheapest) is probably Chris Keating from Yeasayer performing his live DJ set on Saturday, January 15th.


CAKE SHOP 

Cake Shop is really supportive of their artists- they'll sell their merchandise and even have a record label.


MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Come on Thursday, January 13th, when Grandfather and I'm In You both show up.


CRASH MANSION 

Recently voted NYC's "Best Rock Venue," and with good reason. When you get there, ask for Andre- he knows what's up.


MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Friday, January 14th, for the "Black and Blue Bash." Dress for the theme and get shots for a dollar.


FONTANA'S

There are three levels with three bars. So if you get cut off at one, just go to the next level. Hahaha... you drunk.

I'm practically a regular at this place. If you ever go here, ask for Jasper. He books the talent, and he'll tell you who's good.


MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Saturday, January 15th. They're bringing in a DJ for a "London Club Night" and playing only UK "kill yourself" tunes.


HIGHLINE BALLROOM

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Friday, January 14th. Cracker is playing. I know I already mentioned them back when I was shilling for Boston, but if I could see them play, I would.


THE KNITTING FACTORY

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Right now. There's a local band showcase going on, and supporting unsigned, hard working talent gets babies into Heaven.


LE POISSON ROUGE

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Thursday, January 13. Wakey!Wakey! is playing.


THE MERCURY LOUNGE

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: There's a free show tonight by a band I've never heard of. It doesn't cost anything, so you may as well check it out.


SULLIVAN HALL

Sullivan Hall has one of the better sound systems in the West Village and is one of the most popular spots for charity events and benefits. They're also one of the only venues in NYC that cater to cover/tribute acts as well as original bands and artists. Ask for Jen at the door.


MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Friday, January 14th. There's a No Doubt tribute band set to go on, and as long as they stick to Tragic Kingdom and Return of Saturn, you should be golden.


TERMINAL 5

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: It's too bad next week's Broken Social Scene is sold out, because they are insane live and everyone should go see them. Other than that, the venue doesn't have their shows listed, but they're pretty expensive anyway.


WEBSTER HALL

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: I LOATHE their stupid song almost as much as I hate Miley Cyrus, but I guess I should mention that Neon Trees is playing on Friday, January 14th.


OK, let's move on.


PHILADELPHIA, PA

Philly is probably second only to New York City in terms of places I won't shut up about for its live music scene. Philadelphia is a lot like NYC, but with a more intimate setting, and generally a younger crowd. I could definitely live there, if I didn't want to set fire to their sports teams. Here are my top picks:

THE FIRE

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Wednesday, January 12. Because it's my birthday, and I would be there if I could.

KUNG FU NECKTIE

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Tonight. There are two kick-ass acts going on (Crills Wilson and Venice Sunlight), and anyone who's brave enough to get pummeled by snow to see them play gets drinks on the bands' bar tabs. HAHAHA! Just kidding, guys.

I'm SO getting my ass kicked.

NORTH STAR BAR

The food here is pretty epic. They have a regular bar menu, but with a twist. The prices are pretty decent, too.


MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Saturday, January 15th, and check out Amnesia Star Hotel. They have a classic rock vibe and I predict that you'll be hearing a lot more from them.

WORLD CAFE LIVE

There's an upstairs and a downstairs at the venue, and the food is really good. Like, REALLY good. I recommend the lobster mac and cheese or the fries.


MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Friday, January 14th. The Smithereens? Holy shit.


SAN FRANCISCO, CA


BOTTOM OF THE HILL

Bottom of the Hill was one of the highlights of my Bay Area visit a few years ago. I'd just come from AT&T Park and I was hungry, tired, sweaty and wanted at all costs to avoid the club scene.

This is a straight-up rock club- there's a smoking patio and a full bar, and the food I had was pretty decent, too. There were a bunch of loud, obnoxious idiots in Niners regalia- I felt like I was in a frat house. An AWESOME frat house. Definitely go here. It's Nugs-approved.

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: Friday, January 14th. Two of the bands playing are called Filthy, Thieving Bastards and The Fucking Buckaroos. At any rate, you'll have an interesting time describing the night to your parents.

SEATTLE, WA


THE FUNHOUSE

The only beef I have with this place is that they seem to have a real jones for clowns (there's a massive clown head outside), and circus stuff scares the shit out of me. Other than that, the fact that this venue is devoted to punk rock makes me happy in the pants. I have a soft spot for Seattle, having grown up listening to grunge, so basically anything The Funhouse does sits right with me.

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: On Sunday, January, 16th, The Funhouse hosts a band called Sex Offender. That's so fucked up that I have to give it my blessing.

WASHINGTON, DC


The nation's capital and the surrounding area has an impressive live music community due to its sizable college scene. I've gone venue-hopping in DC a few times, and I've never been let down. Here's where I'm ordering you to go:

9:30 CLUB

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: The Virginia Coalition is playing early on Saturday, January 15th, so you'll be able to see them perform and catch another show afterward.

BLACK CAT 

One of DC's preeminent rock clubs, Black Cat is rumored to be partially owned by Dave Grohl (!!!!). There's also a vegan- and vegetarian-friendly cafe.

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: There's a "TV Party" on Wednesday, January 12th, and the promo for this on the website has a picture of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer cast.  Do they know it's my birthday???

DC9

MAKE AN APPEARANCE: There's not enough show info on their website, but I'm sure you can figure something out.

I believe in you.

If there are any other places that you think I missed, as always, feel free to rail into me below. And if any of you have been to any of these venues, please send NSFW photos my way.

PS- If you guys were looking forward to shameful New Year's details, don't worry, those are coming. Eventually.