I'M LAZY

Hey Guys,

My laziness has reached new depths and I've decided to feature a guest poster today. I signed up for this new thing called Bloggerstock where you send in your blog url and are assigned someone to post on your site, and here's who I got. (You can read my post on Allison's blog. The topic was "What's Your Theme Song?")

Here's what you need to know about Alex:

Alex regularly posts at http://icewolf08.com/. Hobbies include photography, skiing and SCUBA diving. Pretty awesome. Alex went to Ithaca College and lives in Utah, and now collects cash from two jobs- as an electrician at a theatre company and as a photographer. So basically, I look like a slacker. Thanks a lot.

So here's Alex's guest post. Enjoy.

BLOGGERSTOCK: WHAT'S YOUR THEME SONG?

http:/bloggerstock.net

http://www.bloggerstock.net/Bloggerstock/Badges_files/bloggerstock2.jpg

I spent a lot of time putting off writing this post. Go figure, I procrastinate like that a lot. In all reality though, this was a tough prompt. Mostly on account of there is so much music in my life that just figuring on one theme song is not really that easy. I have been going through my music collection, playing the guitar, singing, whistling, humming, dancing, and cleaning my apartment trying to figure out what my theme song really is. I think that I have come to the conclusion that my theme song changes depending on many factors, but mostly time. On the other hand, there is some irony in the fact that every now and then I try to write a "Music on Monday" theme post, so this fills that concept.


When I originally started to think about this topic I really wanted to say that my theme song was some epic piece of music like something by John Williams or something from the soundtrack of Stardust or Pirates of the Caribbean. Music that I refer to as "epic driving music." I mean, I like to think that I have moments in my life that warrant a soundtrack like that.


From there I turned to the song that has been playing in my head for the past three years. This one is a real silly one, and you would never guess what it is. It got stuck in my head after a conversation at the theatre, and I have made it my mission to get it stuck in the heads of everyone around me. it sort of fits in the category of epic music, but not really. What song, you ask? The theme from the TV show Bonanza. Just doesn't really strike me as my theme song though.


Then there are the three songs that I will always return to and probably never forget on the guitar: "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd, "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls, and "The Freshmen" by The Verve Pipe. All three are great songs. "Freshman" is a great song and the most requested song all summer at camp (I still can't believe that the kids actually know it!), but it is also kind of depressing. I love Pink Floyd and the Indigo Girls, both of those songs will always be with me, "Closer to Fine" is actually pretty close to a song that I think could be my theme song. "The Best thing you've ever done for me, is to help me take my life less seriously. It's only life after all!" Words that I think I live by.


All things considered though, I think that my theme song may come from a seemingly unlikely place. When I really started to think about it, the song that I landed on is one by a great musician. I finally had the chance to see him live last summer in a great little intimate venue in the middle of nowhere in Maine. He has travelled the world researching the multi-cultural roots of his instrument, the banjo. If you can't guess who I am talking about by now, well I suppose I shall just have to tell you, Béla Fleck. The song: "Big Country."


"Big Country" is a song that I think no matter what the situation, it could always lighten my mood. It isn't epic, it isn't overly grand. In fact, most people probably have never heard it or Béla in general. It is a song that I think goes along with some of who I am like my enjoyment of the outdoors, the mountains and such. It is a free spirited song and I do my best to maintain a free spirit.


One of the really fun things about Béla and this song is that there are many different versions. Each version is very unique while still maintaining the feel of the original. Béla goes and seeks out mazing musicians from all over the world to perform and record with. Many are musicians that are not famous outside of their niche, but they are fantastic. No matter how this song is per-mutated though, I think that it always has the same effect.


So, for those who don't know the song, here is a live version:

http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/q50xzhDO9lI&hl=en_US&fs=1&

I hope that you enjoy the song as much as I do and that it has the same kind of pick-me-up effect. If you see me coming and want to make me smile, this song would certainly do the trick!


Enjoying bloggerstock? You can head over to my blog: IceWolf's Ramblings. To read another take on this topic try Susie Q from Out of the Ordinary. Who knows you may also like some of my other posts!

I WILL DESTROY YOU

I'm a stubborn a-hole. I get that from my dad. So last week when I started coughing and sniffling every five seconds, I still insisted to everyone that told me otherwise that it was "just allergies." Did I mention that I'm also an idiot?

At the urging of my mom, I went out to my local CVS and started myself on some Dayquil. Have you ever breathed that shit in? Jesus, it smells like it could start a car! It was nasty, and it did nothing. My dad, who was visiting and bunking on my couch, went out and got me some Vicks (I love when parents visit. You get to be eight years old again and your mom and dad do everything for you. It's awesome). It worked for a while; then started laughing in my face. By then my voice was totally gone, which a lot of people were probably thankful for. "Honey, please see a doctor," my mom begged me.

I still maintained that I didn't need to "see"anybody. My logic made sense- I'd gone out with my friends that weekend and not even the fact that I was wearing the shortest skirt ever created could hide the fact that I was omitting noises that made me sound like a poisonous snake. My decoy of an outfit didn't really work when I was hacking up internal organs into the faces of my crew. It was incredibly sexy- I bet all the guys in the room were beside themselves with how badly they wanted me. I defied anyone not to be 100% turned on.

After a week of this phlegm fiesta, I finally agreed to listen to my mother and went to the walk-in clinic because I'm too poor to have a GP (thank you, college!). Luckily, there was nobody else there and it only took them ten minutes to call my name; although it took the doctor half an hour to come in afterward. Figures. Three different nurses came in and asked me all the same questions. I got really impatient when the fourth guy finally came in and did nothing but shine a light in my eyes, ears and throat and declared that I had bronchitis. Fucking wonderful. He didn't even do that thing where he takes that stick and shoves it all the way down my tongue, which I hate anyway because I have a high gag reflex. So essentially I sat there for a half hour waiting for this jerkoff to basically blind me. Did I mention I hate doctors? Sorry Grandma, guess I'm going to have to turkey baster a lawyer instead. So much for being a good Jew.



I was told to "take it easy" for the next few days. I asked if I can go to the gym, and Doctor Incompetent looked at me like, "are you high?" and goes, "the gym? You need to be in bed for the next two days." I decided to make light of the situation and joked, "and not the fun kind of staying in bed, right?" He was not amused.

He also told me to call everyone I've spent any time with in the last week and let them know that I was contagious. This included my dad, my brother and any of my friends. "Everyone?" I asked him. "Jeez, it's not herpes." Again, wrong crowd.

Also, no dairy. What??? I LOVE cheese! I'm a cheese slut. If I could live in a cheese house, I would. This is blasphemy.

Anyway, the doctor wrote me a prescription for like nine different drugs, and when I picked them up at CVS I realized that one of the pills is HUGE. Like, a horse couldn't swallow that shit.

This is just some of what I'll be squirreling down my throat for the next week:



When I Googled pictures of it, the words "pregnancy" and "chlamydia" also came up. Um, excuse me? Thankfully, NO.



So now I have to get used to this bedrest thing. I never get sick so this is new territory for me. Luckily baseball is on this weekend and I have a bunch of SyFy Channel movies taped. I'm going to kick this thing's ass before it knows what's even going on. I'll be on my feet in two days.

I still wish I could eat some cheese, though.

PS- I'm starting a new column next month where I'll let you know what music I'm listening to. I know everyone respects my opinion (because why wouldn't you), so if you'd like to get in on it, send an email to thataintkosher83@gmail.com or leave a comment here. Let me know what you like.

BUT WHAT ABOUT VINCENT?

On Monday morning I woke up on my brothers' couch with the sad realization that I would actually need to get a life. A bunch of us had gone to their place last night for the final episode of Lost and were now met with the hard-hitting reality that our favorite show was no more. A couple of us got up yesterday, made hesitant eye contact and looked around the room with a "now what?" look on our faces. We were like infants taking our first steps- or the only survivors of a plane that crashed on a mysterious island (zing!).

I didn't know what to expect from the finale. This show seemed to have taken over the world- Obama had even rescheduled his State of the Union address so as not to preempt the season premiere. I had never been so invested in a television show before- my brothers and I spent more time bonding in the past six years than we did while we lived in the same house, and it was all thanks to Team Darlton. That would make a great tagline for a business- Cuse/Lindelof- Bringing Siblings Together Since...2004? 1977? Somewhere In The Middle? Who The Fuck Knows?

I cooked dinner for eight people and got to my brothers' place around 6:30. There was a 2-hour recap, followed by the finale itself from 9pm-11:30pm, and then a special Lost-centric episode of Jimmy Kimmel. Six hours of this shit! I was in nerd heaven. When I told my friends, most of whom don't watch the show, they thought I was exaggerating. Nope.

So, here are my final thoughts on the breathtaking phenomenon that was Lost. I'm warning you- it's pretty long, and spoiler-ific, so if you have somewhere to be, or haven't seen the finale, or are just an impatient douchebag, stop reading now.



MY 5 WORST EPISODES:

5) ABANDONED (Season 2, Episode 6)

I was just ecstatic for an episode about Shannon, weren't you? Just when we thoughtshe couldn't get any more spoiled and/or lazy, it turned out we were all wrong. Remember when Boone thought that she died that horrible, mangly death and he said he was "relieved?" Tell me you weren't thinking the exact same thing. Thank God she gets shot at the end. This is the only time I actually liked Ana Lucia, even though it was technically an accident. Sayid, what the fuck were you thinking?

http://www.hulu.com/watch/90166/lost-abandoned

4) BORN TO RUN (Season 1, Episode 22)

Ugh, Kate. She sucked (more on that later), and most of her episodes did too. It was tough to pick the one that I hated the most, but seeing as how this one centered around a toy airplane, "Born To Run" eventually won out. Out of everything you can keep in a safe, seriously, a toy plane? Oh yeah, also, the guy it belonged to, the guy she "loved," died, also caused by her. Way to fuck things up again, Kate.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/86577/lost-born-to-run

3) ACROSS THE SEA (Season 6, Episode 15)

This episode was so disappointing because it was supposed to be a landmark hour of television- no series regulars were to be featured and the backstory of Jacob, MiB and the island itself were finally going to be revealed. However, what we got was a bunch of bullshit. Jacob was an idiot man-child who spouted clunky, cheesy dialogue, the child actors were horrendous and we got more questions than answers, all with two weeks until the series finale. Plus, the writers inserted a scene into the end of the episode that was borderline insulting. Not to mention- a magical cave? Really, Lost?

If you look up the general opinion for this episode, the results are basically the same: FAIL!

http://www.hulu.com/watch/148701/lost-across-the-sea

2) EXPOSE (Season 3, Episode 14)

Nikki and Paolo were so worthless that they only got a backstory so they could get killed off, never to be heard from again. They were even more hated than Shannon, if that's even possible. The only good thing about this episode is that it signified the end of two of the most unappealing characters in the history of the show.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/90205/lost-expose

1) STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND (Season 3, Episode 9)

Hey, remember when you spent an entire Lost viewing party debating the origin of Jack's tattoos? No. No, you don't. Because no one cared. And no one ever wanted to see Jack make out with someone as annoying as Bai Ling, either. Gross. However, on the flip side, this is the episode that spanked Team Darlton into realizing that they needed to come up with some answers, already. So at least there's one semi-redeeming quality for the episode widely regarded as the worst one ever.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/90202/lost-stranger-in-a-strange-land

MY 5 FAVORITE EPISODES:

5) AB AETERNO (Season 6, Episode 9)

Rabid fans like myself had been salivating for the chance to learn about Richard Alpert's backstory, and we finally got it in Season 6. It turned out to be amazing, with 95% of the focus on Nestor Carbonell's stellar acting and no sideways world, which up to this point had not been that well-received. "Across The Sea" should have taken notes- THIS is how a flashback is done. Nestor Carbonell FTW!

http://www.hulu.com/watch/145232/lost-ab-aeterno-enhanced

4) WALKABOUT (Season 1, Episode 4)

Largely considered one of, if not the best, episodes of Lost, this is the one that hooked me on the show in the first place. Remember when Locke was just a slightly creepy older dude in a wheelchair, kind of a loser who you rooted for, instead of the incarnation of evil? This is what started it all. Terry O'Quinn's performance is amazing. The second that it's revealed that Locke is in a wheelchair made my- and everybody's- head explode.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/86553/lost-walkabout

3) THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME (Season 4, Episode 9)

This is the one where Ben's "daughter," Alex, gets shot and killed in front of him, and we're drawn deeper into the convoluted layers of his character. He was never truly bad or good, and that's why everyone loved him. Michael Emerson's seamless performance garnered him two Emmy nominations and a win, and this episode was most likely one of the reasons why.

Wow, Lost- you don't fuck around.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/90200/lost-the-shape-of-things-to-come

2) THE PILOT (Season 1, Episode )

When I first saw this show, it was so retardedly action-packed that I thought it was a movie. There was a plane crash, explosions, gore, people running around screaming, a storm, a mysterious smoke cloud, a seriously cute dog and a bunch of hot dudes. I thought to myself, "I don't know what the fuck I'm watching, but I am never turning this off." The show got even better when a polar bear appeared on the (tropical) island and the castaways found a message being looped for 16 years. Then I found out it was a TV show, and I realized that I was about to give up my Wednesday nights. It was the most exciting pilot episode I had ever seen, and I knew that I had to keep my eyes glued. Six years later, it never let me down.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/151534/lost-pilot---enhanced

1) THE CONSTANT (Season 4, Episode 5)

OK, so sometimes I'm a secret sap. The phone call at the end of "The Constant" is one of the greatest and most emotional scenes in television history. When Desmond finally got through to Penny and they declared their love for each other, and Desmond finally got back to the present, that was it for me. This episode is on a bunch of top five lists, for good reason. It's flawless, and hints at what Lost is really all about (more in the finale recap). Too bad a talent like Sonya Walger is wasted on dreck like FlashForward.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/90196/lost-the-constant


TOP 5 CHARACTERS THAT SUCKED EXTRA HARD:

5) DOGEN/LENNON

Explain to me what purpose these two had. Their storyline was boring and pointless, and the temple itself looked like it was constructed for Universal Studios. They seemed to only be around to bring out Zombie Sayid, who was just weird and redeemed himself later anyway. I was so glad when these two got killed, like, five minutes later.



4) SHANNON

Shannon was a spoiled brat who wasn't even redeemed by getting her own backstory. She got her stepbrother to come save her from an abusive relationship and then repayed him by doing him in his hotel room. EW. Her only good quality was when she translated that French recording, but after that, no one cared about her except for Sayid, and no one can explain that one. I mean, what the fuck, Sayid? Everyone was thrilled when she got wasted by Ana Lucia.

This was pretty much her only purpose.

3) NIKKI/PAOLO

These two are so useless that they never even get mentioned separately. They randomly started appearing in season three episodes like they had always been there, and viewers just went, "what?" No one cared about them, they were stupid and boring, and they had to go. Both of them got an unceremonious death where they got buried alive, and we never saw them again. Whoops. Goodbye.

The only time viewers didn't mind them.

2) ANA LUCIA

The worst part about Ana Lucia was, as an ex-cop who was actually connected to a lot of the other characters, she had a lot of potential. However, she never actually developed into anything other than a massive bitch. Her pissy attitude started to grate on a lot of people's nerves and she never went anywhere, so Michael shot her.



1) KATE

Kate was seriously annoying. Her sole purpose on the island seemed to be ignoring what everyone else wanted her to do. If she was asked not to touch something, she touched it. If somebody told her not to go somewhere, she went there. Her teeth were enormous and horselike. She kept banging both Jack and Sawyer and fueled an intense feud between them which pissed fans off enormously for six seasons ("who does Kate end up with?" No one cares!) She stole Claire's baby and tried to pass him off as her own. She horned in on Sawyer and Juliet's tearful goodbye. She lasted six seasons and refused to die no matter how wounded she got. All her episodes sucked. I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. If there was ever an opposite of "fan favorite," it was Kate. EVERYONE wanted her to eat it hard. Her only redeeming quality was that guys thought she was hot.

Shut up, Kate! Nobody loves you!

TOP 5 CHARACTERS I FELL IN LOVE WITH:

5) HUGO "HURLEY" REYES

Hurley was the instant comic relief of the show, the lovable nerd who quoted Star Wars and drove the Scooby van. However, it turned out he was also the common sense; the one that told everyone to relax and trumpeted the importance of the golf course on the island. He was the one who everyone was rooting for, so it's really fitting that he finally got his happy ending.



4) SUN

Sun probably had the broadest transition of all the characters on Lost. In the span of six seasons, she went from meek, buttoned-up housewife to badass, gun-toting vigilante. One of the biggest mistakes made by Team Darlton was when they created the "vengeful Sun" storyline in Season Four, where she confronted both Charles Widmore and her dickhead father, and then seemed to just sort of forget about it and dropped the entire plot. She also had one of the first major reveals of the show, when it was discovered that she could speak English.

By the time the end of the show rolled around, Sun was her own character. The writers knew that she had become something of a fan favorite and rewarded us by giving her and Jin, who had reunited just the week before after a three year separation (not to mention a dozen Lost timelines), a ridiculously tragic death scene that left me practically in hysterics. Thanks a lot.



3) BEN

What makes Ben so awesome is that he started out as the "bad guy" of the show, but he became so intricate and complex that you just couldn't hate him. When "The Man Behind The Curtain" aired, and we found out about his twisted backstory, no one knew what to think because we were torn between hating his motives but also feeling sorry for him. Ben was one of the only characters to make it to the end of the show, probably because everyone who watched loved him and would have rioted if he had gotten snuffed.

He's still as creepy as he looks, though.

2) DESMOND

The big mystery of Season One was "what's in that damn hatch?", and it was resolved immediately at the start of the second season, with the big reveal of Desmond. At first he was just some guy from Scotland, but then the time travel kicked in and my mind was sufficiently blown. From then on the sci-fi elements never stopped coming- flashbacks, flash forwards, flash sideways, flashings (Desmond was half naked a lot), and Season Two earned Lost its place as the greatest genre show of the last decade, maybe of all time.

Desmond also has the distinction of being half of the second greatest TV couple ever. His scenes with Penny are so moving that "The Constant" is on practically every critic's Top 10 Episode list. If the phone call at the end doesn't make your heart stir just a little bit, you might be clinically dead.



1) JULIET/SAWYER (a tie)

Juliet was the most awesome female character on the show. Check this out: at one point she had Ben, Jack and Sawyer all ready to drop trou, and with almost no surgical supplies, she delivered a baby and performed an appendectomy. Plus she got in a catfight with Kate. Win.

Sawyer was hilarious right from the start- he insulted everyone and was a total asshole, not to mention he was hot and walked around shirtless a lot. It was like the writers were setting him up to be the "love-to-hate" guy, but I never really grew out of my bad boy phase, so that didn't work for me. Every girl I know that watched the show loved him, too.

Once those two hooked up, it was like a match made by the TV Gods. Sawyer and Juliet were a surprising couple, but it worked insanely well. They became the heart of the show for me, and every scene they were in together was emotional gold. Some of them were almost ruined by stupid Kate, but Juliet was so great that Kate was blocked out. I can't pick which moment of theirs affected me more-Juliet's death or their sideways meeting when they finally came together again. These two are going to go down as one of the classic TV couples.



Juliet/Sawyer reunion: http://www.hulu.com/watch/151649/lost-kiss

PS- I just watched that again and almost cried.

Honorable mention: VINCENT



Come on, he's fucking adorable.

MY THOUGHTS ON THE FINALE:

Science fiction shows are notorious for having stellar runs and then leaving their fans with less-than-electrifying finales. Lost is my favorite show of all time, followed by Party of Five (quiet, you!!!!), but I did have realistic expectations for its very last episode.

I was hoping the end wouldn't be something really retarded like "we're all dead and this is a weird purgatory" or some shit like that. As it turns out, the plane crash and the island were real, but the entirety of the Altverse actually was purgatory- they all had actually died over the course of the show, and couldn't move on until they all found each other and "accepted" the afterlife. Huh. OK then. Everybody had to remember everybody else, and when they did, there were a lot of tears, mostly from me. Everyone was paired together- Jack/Kate, Sun/Jin, Sawyer/Juliet (!!!!!), Desmond/Penny, Rose/Bernard, Charlie/Claire, Sayid/Shannon (BOO!!!), Hurley/Libby, Faraday/Charlotte, and, interestingly, Locke/Boone, who had a teacher/student type of relationship, in a non-denominational church where there was a lot of cheesy hugging and smiling.

Aw, everyone's happy!

Jack passed on his job as protector of the island to Hurley, which I totally saw coming, and in an outstanding moment of redemption, Hurley named Ben his Number Two. That was the perfect way to cap off Ben's character and give him the ending he deserved.

The best scene, by far, was Sawyer and Juliet's reunion, when they both finally remembered the other and realized that they were in love when they were both still alive. I got really emotional and when everyone in the room started making comments I threatened to smack all of them with my ring hand. Fuck off, all of you. I LOVE Sawyer and Juliet. I want a holiday card from them and all of their eventual gorgeous kids.

Now here are my beefs: Are we really supposed to believe that the love of Sayid's life is Shannon and not Nadia? I mean, seriously. Shannon? Go back and watch her episodes (or not). Shannon? Really?

And where was Locke's fiancee Helen in all of this? Shouldn't they have wound up together, especially since her character died a while ago?

Also, I can't believe we only got like, a millisecond of Desmond and Penny. That sucked.

Considering this is the last Lost ever, we didn't really get a lot of answers. Basically, we invested six years only to be told that while the island itself was important, the mysteries and scientific theories didn't really matter all that much. Walt and Aaron? Just random little kids. Electromagnetic forces? Pretty cool, but don't focus on that. The Others? Basically just a bunch of dicks. Egyptian heiroglyphs? Not a factor. So basically, we're left to contemplate character relationships, which were wrapped up resolutely and to my satisfaction. So while I am content with the ending, I do wish that they had given me more.

What I took away from the finale is that Lost's final message was this: Everyone deserves to be happy. Bam. Short, sweet, to the point. The Others took a bunch of fuck-ups, put them on a plane and let them redeem themselves. They gave them a do-over, and everyone wound up with who they wanted to be with.

So give me your opinions, guys. What did you think of the finale? Do you wish it had given you more answers? What did you think of who wound up with who? And does Sawyer look great without a shirt on or what?

I'm yours.

So now I actually have to find something else to do on Tuesday nights, and watching my Lost DVDs don't count. Maybe I'll be able to write more blogs. Time will tell.

As they say on the island, Namaste.

SATURDAY NIGHT FEMUR

If you care, my weekends usually go something like this: Thursday night karaoke-and-beer fest, Friday night randomness and Sometime Sunday kickback. Saturday nights are reserved for the amazing glory that is the SyFy Channel's original movies. And by "amazing," I mean deliciously awful.

I first discovered the SyFy movies from my dad. He called me one night and mentioned that he had seen a new instant classic. Some of Dad's favorites consist of the first Superman and The Natural, both of which I love, so I was immediately intrigued. I was then instructed to download the promisingly titled Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. This movie is definitely going to win an Oscar- it features Debbie Gibson doing it in a closet, not to mention the master thespian Lorenzo Lamas. The sets are perfection- you can't tell whether it was filmed on location or with construction paper.

As brilliantly shark-tastic as it looks.

It's hard to choose just what's the best part of the SyFy movies- the seamless editing, the flawless set design, the award-worthy performances- or maybe it's the way the characters decide to take off their tops for no reason other than that the script calls for it. One of the greatest SyFy moments is in Dinoshark, when the believable actress portraying the "marine biologist" decides to warn the other team members the shark is coming to eat them by wriggling out of her shirt- and then walking away without saying a word. I literally watched it and went, "What?" I would play you guys the clip, but they were all taken down. Sad. Here's a preview, though:

He's laughing at the script.

Or perhaps you would be more satisfied with the epic Mega Piranha, which showcases Tiffany (yes, that Tiffany) and some karate guy with a machine gun delivering roundhouse kicks to mutated fish that rocket-launched themselves through the roof of a house. It's as wonderful as it sounds. I kept waiting for Tiffany to tell the piranha, "I think we're alone now," but no dice. Check this baby out:

PS- Greg Brady plays a senator or something. I KNOW.

The production team at the SyFy Channel obviously can't be bothered with minute details such as plot, dialogue or acting skills. They're much more concerned with the real questions, such as:

-Which washed-up '80's and '90's stars can we hire that are desperate and/or broke enough to land direct-to-DVD roles?

-How many synonyms are there for the word "big?"

-How can we waste our budget on flying body parts instead of actual sets, costumes or non-recycled footage?

-Why are we so turned on by altered sea creatures?

Just in case I haven't convinced you to give up a Saturday to ice cream and Sea Snakes (another gem, this time starring Luke Perry as Dylan dressed like a naval officer), SyFy released a press release warning us to watch out for what promises to be the greatest movie of all time: Sharktopus. I don't know when this is supposed to come out, but based on the title alone, I'm there. They even have a poster to whet everyone's appetite. Observe:

Oh, yes.

The best part is that most of the SyFy Channel masterpieces are brought to life by Oscar-winning producer Roger Corman. Yes, I did just say Oscar-winning. I couldn't believe it, either.

With Lost coming to an end next week, I'm going to need some good sci-fi programming to tide me over. V blows, and while Supernatural is pretty great, it really doesn't qualify as science fiction, although it does have Jacob and MiB. This is why I'm so obsessed with these cinematic achievements- not only are they unintentionally hilarious, but some of them are available on Netflix. I suggest you check out every single one of them.

BIRDS! BEES! BOOZE!

So I have this friend; we'll call her "V," because I looked for a random letter on my keyboard and that's what I typed. V and I met because we both have media-related jobs that are mostly male-dominated, so we bonded pretty quickly. V is definitely my rock in this shitty economical turn of events- she's snarky and cynical and we mock all the same pop culture abhorrences. Whenever I'm having a crappy day I text her and command that she "say something funny-" and she does.

Recently V and I had dinner right before one of her events. We exchanged stories about all the usual life crap- family, work, the latest episode of Chuck- and then the conversation turned to various coworkers on both our parts. V confessed to me that she worked with one guy who she had a mad crush on- it was now to the point where every time she saw him she did a Conan-style "If They Mated" in her head. FYI, she did inform me that their kids would be stunningly beautiful.

It started out small- she just used to think he was kind of hot. Then it escalated- apparently, this guy is kind of a slut, and every time he brought around a girl (or six), V would get insanely jealous. Now it's to the point where she's actually imagined herself living in his apartment with a ring on her finger. I know her, and this is not normal.

V is really level-headed, and she usually stays away from guys that scream "player!" However, she swears that sometimes it seems like he really is hitting on her, and other times it's like they're engaged in a normal conversation. She has no idea what to think, and it's killing her.

At my old job, there was a girl who hooked up with both members of a firm that we represented. The team actually broke up because of it, we lost the client, and the girl got fired. My boss immediately implemented a pants-down policy: get caught, get canned. I also have a friend who's employed by a major corporation and has no problem fucking everyone with a penis that walks past her cubicle- clients, coworkers, whoever- and posts all her exploits on Facebook, pictures and all. Obviously her bosses don't mind; as she's still working there. I myself have never gone the distance with anyone I've worked with- yeah, I like dudes, but I like having an income more. Everyone probably does it, but I'm not very stealth and I would definitely get busted.



That's not to say I haven't come close, though. I've worked with a bunch of really attractive guys, and in a co-ed environment, the temptation is always there, unless said environment is the nursery section of a hospital. A lot of companies have anti-fraternization policies, and even if they don't, business-place hook-ups generally don't conclude with weddings and kids. From what I've seen, most of them end in awkward water-cooler avoidances and evil stares over the copy machine.

Sexual tension? Probably not.

It's not just us, either. I watch all those nature specials- I really don't want to quote that heinous Bloodhound Gang song, but they do have a point.

Those sluts.

So what do you guys think? Should my friend go for it? Is it really that awful to get with someone at work? She'd really appreciate some advice, probably so she can blame someone else if anything gets really fucked up.

I told her to adopt a couple of bunnies and live vicariously through them.

IT TURNS OUT I DO HAVE FEELINGS. DON'T TELL ANYONE.

OK, what the fuck, Lost?

Let's discuss last night's episode and how it toyed with my emotions- it turns out that yes, I do have them. Every Tuesday I either get together with my brother or we text each other back and forth about what to expect when we turn on ABC at 9pm. I usually stay away from the spoiler boards and he doesn't, so he tries to avoid giving shit away before it happens. He did, however, let me know that some "major deaths" were coming up.

I knew I should expect a body count, because there were four episodes left of the series, but seeing how well I took Juliet's demise (read: not very; she was my favorite female character along with Sun and I am still a Sawyer-Juliet 'shipper), I was really dreading The Candidate. When Juliet died I was in a room full of people, though- at least I would be watching this one alone so I wouldn't totally humiliate myself.

I got really excited at one point when I thought Kate might eat it hard, but instead everyone rushed to save her when she got shot. Ugh. So annoying. Go away, Kate. No one gives a shit about you. Literally- there have been a few characters this season who have made a point out of telling everyone that Kate has no purpose and they don't care about her. Haha! Everyone who watches this show is going to be so happy when she finally gets killed.

After it became pretty obvious that Kate wasn't going to get offed, I started to get really nervous. That left all the characters I actually liked. I had already ruled out Jack, because everyone figures that he's probably sticking around until the end. I was already praying that Sun and Jin would make it out, but since I love them, I knew they had to go. I had no idea about anyone else.

When Sayid blew himself up I didn't cry so much as stare at my TV with my jaw on the floor and think, "they did NOT!" It definitely took a few seconds to process and when it did, it hit hard. I've always been a Sayid fan, even during that ill-advised Shannon phase. At least now this means she probably won't be back.

That's just the way it is.

Then Frank got smashed by that door. That was sad. I never really got too into him, but I didn't exactly wish that for him, either.

RIP, Lapidus. You were pretty awesome.

The worst part of the whole episode was definitely Jin and Sun. They had a long, painful, drawn-out death that left me blubbering like the biggest little bitch on the planet. At around 10:10 I even got a text from my friend that read, "you're crying, aren't you?" I replied, "No." He called me out with, "Lies." I had no recourse. That a-hole.

I hadn't even gotten over the shock of losing my favorite TV couple before ABC cut to a stupid local law firm ad. The music just randomly cut out! What the hell! I just sat there with teary eyes with the image of two illuminated Kwon hands still in my head, the Jin/Sun theme from Season One playing in my brain.

Seeing this picture just made me tear up again. Damn you, Lost writers!

The floodgates didn't really open until the rest of the characters started sobbing hysterically. Even Jack started crying, and that was when I lost it. Goddammit, writers! Why must you do this to me? Was I really mean to you in high school or something?

I feel your pain, guys.

How dare you, Darlton. How dare you introduce me to these people, let me hang out with them for six years and brutally snatch them away from me. How dare you leave little Ji-Yeon an orphan. How dare you make Jack a total tool for five years and then make me like him when there's only three weeks left. How dare you not make Jack give Sawyer mouth-to-mouth? (I was really looking forward to some homoerotic porn.) And how dare you develop a TV show that would make me discover emotions I never knew I had? That scares the shit out of me, Darlton, and it's all your fault.

I'm so obsessed with this show. It's really pathetic.

CHIVALRY ISN'T DEAD; IT'S JUST PASSED OUT AT THE BAR

Well, I had quite an interesting weekend. The most fun I had was when I stayed home on Saturday night to watch the SyFy Channel werewolf movie marathon and two old episodes of Lost. I wound up going to bed around midnight because my allergies were rampant- news reports say that this is going to be the worst season for pollen on record. Awesome. Can't wait!

On Friday night I went to see my friend's band play at this bar downtown that I used to go to all the time like, five years ago, but now I avoid it because it's a total sorority show. I was especially weirded out because all my friends hate that place, too, so I was there alone. I stood there uncomfortably while I watched all the underage alcoholics grind against each other and promised I would give my friend at least twenty minutes before I booked it.

I'm over it.

Ten minutes after I got there some howler monkey asked me why I wasn't dancing. I wanted to tell him that it was because I was a paraplegic and I forgot my wheelchair, but I figured it was too early for blatant bitchery. I said I wasn't in the mood yet, so he grabbed my hand and tried to twirl me. I can't stand when people I don't know randomly try to touch me, so this didn't go over well. Then he commanded me to smile, which I hate even more, and then he topped it off with a finger on my cheek like he was trying to make a dimple on my face. Excuse me, NO. I glared at him and he got scared and backed off.

It couldn't have been fifteen minutes before some other assclown frat boy came over and asked if I was really watching the Mets game. No, I was just trying to find a way to spark up a conversation with someone like you. Mission accomplished! I actually did say yes, though, and when he told me he was also a Mets fan, I figured he might not be so bad. I talked to him for about ten minutes before he told me he was 23 and lived with his parents. OK, so maybe I didn't have to marry him. Whatever.

Then I told him my age, and he goes, "Wow, I can't believe you're still going out to bars and stuff. That's pretty awesome. I can't even imagine being older than 25. You must be freaking out and thinking about babies." Then he asked for my number. I almost laughed in his face. FAIL!

I managed to stay until my friend finished the set, hung out with him during his break, and was home in time for Craig Ferguson.

On Thursday I went to karaoke with my friends like I usually do. I never sing, because no one wants to be subjected to that, but I always cheer on the people in my group (i.e. "bring the camera"). For some reason I actually decided to put some thought into my personal appearance that night and straightened my hair, put the girls on display and wore a skirt. I was walking into the bar with a guy friend and, because of all this, I walked past the Subscription. And, he totally didn't see me. Of course. On the bright side though, he looked like total shit. I have no idea why I used to be so into him.

Anyway, my friend and I got to the bar and met up with our other friends, this couple that's there every week. I do like this girl, but she's 20 years old and has this habit of giving me advice on how to pick up guys, despite the fact that everyone, including her, knows that her boyfriend cheats on her all the time. She claims it's her mission to "get me laid," even though I'm there to have fun with my friends and don't really give a crap. This is getting real old real fast, as it happens every week. For your consideration:

WEEK 1: Bathroom March 1, where she informed me that a whole table of guys checked me out. I said that I didn't care, because there were no hot guys there. She told me it didn't matter- the point was to flirt with guys I wasn't attracted to and then refuse to give them my number. I told her I don't play games. She said that was stupid.

WEEK 2: Bathroom March 2, where this time I got flirting lessons. Apparently the way to get guys is to wear low-cut shirts and then "smirk" at them.

WEEK 3: This Thursday, I actually met some guys that started talking to me about the game that I was watching on the bar TV. I wound up talking to one of them for awhile and found that he was actually pretty cool. My friend called me over and informed me that if I liked any of these guys, I should write my number on a napkin and give it to him. "He already asked for my number," I assured her, "I got this." "You have to make sure he'll call you." She told me. I finally reminded her that I've been doing this a hell of a lot longer than her, that I didn't really give a shit whether he calls me or not, and that again, I GOT THIS. That shut her up.

I know my friend means well, but I'm tired of this whole "single = alone" mentality. I happen to really enjoy being single. I can take off for the weekend without answering to anyone, or stay home on a Saturday night because I feel like it. I can talk about sports without some guy feeling threatened, and I can hang out with my friends as often as I want. I'm not saying I would turn down the right guy if I met him, but let's put it this way: Would I like to find someone? Yeah, eventually. Am I desperately on the hunt? Hell, no- and I don't need someone barely out of high school demanding that I change my lifestyle, or worse, teaching me how.

MY PERFECT SATURDAY NIGHT:

I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK

Here's another sign of the impending apocalypse: My tiny blog that no one cares about has been given a BLOG AWARD! My friend Annabelle over at I'll Tell You Anyway thinks I'm funny enough to reward me with some kind of recognition on her site.

Since I haven't really received any kind of accolade since fifth grade, I'm not totally sure how this works, but I think I'm supposed to pass this on to other blogs that I feel are deserving of the same praise. So here I go:

THE THAT AIN'T KOSHER  "STUFF I ACTUALLY LIKE " AWARD 2010

1) GINNTASTIC Ginny spills everything about herself- her cat, her apartment, her weekend, the music she loves- and has pictures. She also includes serious medical stuff. This chick is pretty ballsy, considering I'm going for the "completely anonymous" deal.

Also, I actually know Ginny and she's a total sweetheart. I love you, Ginntastic! I'm totally planning that Boston trip!

My Favorite Post: OMG IT'S NICK JONAS!!!!

2) LIVING WITH BALLS

Even though this guy is a Yankees fan, I still like him because he's hilarious. We're both New Yorkers who love Lost, so he's got that going for him. Anyway, just read his blog. He's got so much random funny shit on there that it'll keep you busy through at least one conference call.

My Favorite Post: RAP LYRICS TRANSLATED FOR WHITE PEOPLE

3) GETTING IN THERE

Wynn Wygal is awesome. She might even be more sarcastic than I am, if that's possible. Most of her blog is about being in college, so it's pretty much about drinking and sex. Trust me, you'll love it.

My Favorite Post: 25 CRAZY-HOT SEX MOVES, REVISITED

4) I'LL TELL YOU ANYWAY

Like I said, I'm not totally sure how this works, and I know that Annabelle gave me the award in the first place so she might be exempt, but fuck it, it's my blog and I make my own rules. "I'll Tell You Anyway" is great. Half the time when I go to her blog her new post is exactly the subject that I was planning to write about. It's like she's hiding in my head or something. It's too bad she lives really far away from me because we would totally hang out all the time.

My Favorite Post: THE DATE. OH MY GOD.

So there are my awards. I might make this an annual thing. Rock on, guys! And thanks again, Annabelle- you're totally amazing.

PS- View my award here.